Learned something new today. Flies drop deuces. Who knew?

I love it when my kids teach me new things. Things that I typically would never EVER think about. Like flies taking a shit, for example.

The other day I posted a video of that terrible moment in time when "we" killed the spider in the window. Remember that? I was horribly embarrassed when I lifted the blinds for the first time in 2 1/2 years and saw the carnage that was on the window sill. I was actually taken aback enough during my arachnophobic freak out that I noticed how dirty it was. let me put this in perspective for you, there was a spider in the window the size of a baby giraffe, and I still noticed.

Seriously? I keep a clean house people, but if you viewed that video you would probably think that we live in some filthy environment, and we most likely just squat in the corner to take a piss. Well, that's not too far off where Aidan is concerned to be honest, but still.

So today I made it my mission in life to vacuum all of the damn window sills. Talk about a shit job, man. In fact, I thought about calling Mike Rowe over here to do a segment for his TV show "Dirtiest Jobs". Probably would be his most popular episode yet!

I'm actually not opposed to doing all of the normal cleaning around here. In fact, some would probably say that I'm pretty anal (I'm going to regret this later...) about keeping my house clean. A characteristic that I get from my mother, no doubt. However, windows, blinds, baseboards, and the rest of that kind of crap is why I had a housekeeping service at one point. Unfortunately I fired them because they didn't clean up to my expectations. They kept moving my decor around and they didn't put it back in the right place. It was annoying. Oh, and I thought they would steal all of my jewelry, too. Their cleaning supplies also didn't smell as good as mine, but you know, whatever.

So anyway, I was chatting with my darling daughter today, and I told her that I was about to vacuum the window sills. Then she pointed out that I should pay close attention to the ones in the dining room because they have fly poop on them.

THE FUCK?

Fly poop? Oh hell nawl! Wait a second! Do flies really take shits? I mean, I've never really thought about it before, but OH.MY.GOD maybe they do! But do they leave evidence? They are LITTLE flies after all! If they did take a shit, wouldn't it just evaporate into the thin air?

So I went back and forth with Taylor about how she was wrong about the fly poop.

Taylor- They do too POOP!

Me- They do not!

Taylor- Yes they do!

Me- They SOOOO do not!!

Let me tell you, it was a real mature conversation.

So then I started to freak out a little bit. Sweet baby Jesus, what if she's right!? So I lifted the blinds and I saw lots of dust and a few black dots. She stated that the black dots were indeed the fly poop in question. Now how little flies can remain airborne with a little fly colon full of shit that size, I have no idea. We must have some healthy flies in these parts. Some serious fiber loving flies!

Then I hear Taylor scream...

Taylor- SEE!!!!! I told you! Fly poop!! HA!

Me- OH MY GOD!!! BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!!

Now you know that I had to get a third opinion on this shit. So I just asked Brent straight up if flies crap. Unfortunately for me his answer was yes. He also verified that what was on the window sill was indeed fly shit, because in addition to being a know-it-all at life in general, he's apparently also an fucking entomologist now.

So a million things began to run through my mind. It's not like we even have many flies in our house. I mean, they do come in when the kids leave the door opened from time to time, and I suppose they DO find their way inside of the blinds. I specifically remember hearing them buzzing around in there on a few occasions, thinking they were too stupid to find their way out. Then I would begin to feel sorry for them because I knew they were going to be fried to a crisp soon enough, but not sorry enough to let them fly free. I guess while I was having my PETI moment, they were all busy dropping deuces on my window sill as their last hurrah. So you know what? Screw them!

But wait! With this new found knowledge I realized one thing. We have been breathing fly dook into our precious lungs for no telling how long! My God, what kind of Mother lets their kids breathe in fly shit exhaust? Seriously? Here I am allowing us all to live in squander, with fly turds hanging out on window sills, and killer spiders in the window... It's just horrible. *GASP* OHMYGOD! What if we catch the Hantavirus? I mean, it's possible right? Fly shit, mice shit. What's the damn difference?

So I busted out with the trusty Electrolux. The part of it that is still functioning, that is, and I got all the shit off of every window sill in the house. No more dust. No more fly caca. No more freaking spider webs. The best news is that I was so distraught about the fly feces that I wasn't even worried about seeing more spiders when I raised the blinds.

I'm cured!!

So anyway, tell the truth. Who is about to go and lift their blinds to inspect for fly shit?

Don't lie! I won't judge you, you filthy bastard.

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My Halloween observations. Feel free to add your own.

1. As a parent, if you find yourself dragging a cooler on wheels while you accompany your little one trick or treating, it might be time to admit you have a problem. Or maybe I'm just jealous.

2. I'm planning to start a group called POLA in my spare time. That stands for Parents Of Little Assholes. Allow me to explain. If your a big asshole with no manners, then odds are you will raise yourself a little asshole with no manners. If your kid comes up to my door and just grabs a metric assload of MY candy without saying trick-or-treat, Happy Halloween, thank you, or even so much as a kiss my ass, then you (the parents) should automatically get kicked in the balls, or the vagina, respectively. Teach your little shit some manners, people!

3. I'm apparently not creative at all when it comes to helping my kids pick out their Halloween costumes. I saw some pretty impressive costumes tonight. One little kid was Al Pacino. Had a white shirt, leather jacket, slicked back hair, and an AK-47 hanging from his belt loop.

Obviously Aidan is a scary skeleton.

I initially thought Taylor was a witch when we first purchased this outfit. After she put it on, I decided that it didn't look witchy at all. She looked more like an angst filled teenager to me.

4. If you are old enough to shave, sport wood, and drink legally, you might be too freaking old to trick or treat. Get the hell off my porch before I give you a prostate exam with the tip of my shoe.

5. Next year random accessories that do NOT match the costume will NOT be purchased. All they are good for is to poke someone's eye out. Or worse.

6. People around these parts need to use more birth control. It's pretty pathetic when you go through 100 bucks worth of candy in 2 hours. I had to bust out my own personal blow pop stash, and to be honest, I'm pretty pissed about it.

7. Come on now, you didn't think Bailey was going to get away without dressing up, did you? Very wrong you would be, sucka!


8. Just in case you were wondering, Yoda enjoys being entertained by only the finest of reading material. Don't get it twisted...

9. People really need to learn how to take a hint. When ALL of the lights are out, that means you shouldn't come and knock on my door and ring the doorbell over and over again. It annoys the piss out of me. Lights out is a good indication that THERE IS NO MORE CANDY! I know someone who needs to attend a POLA meeting!

10. I think the kids are finally asleep. Since I'm all out of candy to devour, it looks like I'll have to go and raid theirs. Like they will notice anyway.

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The hit on Larry was finally carried out. I have videographic evidence, and skid marks in my drawers. You're welcome.

He finally did it. Today Brent came home from work bearing gifts of great joy, which mainly consisted of a can of Raid, some cupcakes, and Halloween candy. Now typically I would have made an immediate move towards the cupcakes, however, today the most important item was the Raid.

I knew Larry was about to go down. I was going to be free of his ass once and for all.

Just a few observations before I post this video.

1. I suck at recording videos

2. Editing blows.

3. It's long as hell. This spider killing went on for about 25 minutes, and I was able to edit it down to less than 8. I take back what I said earlier. I fucking rock!

4. Aidan was holding the can of Raid, but he never actually participated in the killing, nor would I have let him. Unless Brent was out of town or something, in that case I would have given him extra allowance to kill the damn thing.

5. I apologize for the language... sort of. I mean, I do feel guilty for my verbal diarrhea, especailly since Aidan was around. To be honest, I was so freaked out that if the Pope would have been in my house, the same F-bombs would have flown freely. I'll say some Our Father's tonight. It's all good.

6. My throat hurts. You'll see why.

7. I'm calling the housekeeping service that we have used in the past, and I'm setting up and appointment tomorrow. You'll also see why.

8. I'm scared of spiders.

9. I need help.

That is all.





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It doesn't happen very often, but perhaps I was wrong ...

As you may remember in my last post, we recently made a family trip to the Halloween (YO, why don't you stare at my ample tits) store to get costumes for the rug rats. What I failed to mention is that I also got a costume for myself.

Yes, I know it's ridiculous for an adult to buy a costume, right? I would have thought so before I moved to this neighborhood as well. I mean, we were in Va for 8 yrs and I never saw the parents dress up. However, when we moved back to the great state of Texas, I observed an alarming trend. The parental units dress up when they take their kids trick or treating. I thought this was pathetic as hell until I realized what was really going on. Those sly aholes were drunk! That's right. Apes, clowns, sexy vampires, cops, etc.... walking around my "hood" with booze, just sipping on gin and juice while little Timmy walked up to the door and took my precious chocolate like a thief in the night.

So while we were picking out costumes for the kids, I began to reach deep down into my inner child, and I figured what the hell, if you can't beat 'em, drink with 'em! I will say that it was very difficult to find an adult costume that was child appropriate. Just about all of those that I really liked would have gotten my ass kicked up and down my block, and CPS would have most likely gotten involved as well.

So what did I do? I settled. That's what I did.

I went with something soft and sensual. Something erotic. Something that screamed sex appeal in the nicest, most child friendly way. I really hope that my neighbors aren't going to be jealous when they see me prancing around in my hot outfit, but they probably will be. I mean, I would totally be jealous if I were them, but whatever. I guess they will just have to deal with their insecurities on their own, because I'm not going to let it cramp my style. Basically, if they can't handle all of this sexiness, tough shit!

Got one word for ya....

Fierce!

So fierce in fact, I changed my mind about dressing up. I wasn't sure if I should show all of that action off in my neighborhood. Especially without a mask being involved to cover up my face. So I called Brent and we had the following conversation.

Me- I need the receipt for my Halloween costume.

Brent- Why?

Me- Because I just do. I'm fairly certain that I've changed my mind about dressing up. I don't think we have enough booze that would lower my inhibitions enough to make me put that damn thing on and not feel like a complete jackass. Plus, I seriously doubt the kids are going to want to be seen in public with me with my udders all poking out and whatnot.

Brent- Too late.

Me- Why is that?

Brent- Because what you failed to notice that day at the registers, you know, while you were looking at Miss Wonder Tits and all, was the SIGNAGE that read, due to the seasonal nature of the merchandise, NO RETURNS ALLOWED.

Me- Oh.... Well damn!

Brent- Yeah... damn. So it looks like you're stuck being a bovine after all. I'll hit the liquor store before Saturday and stock up on some tasty libations.

Me- Asshole!

Brent- Moo-Hoo.

So perhaps instead of looking at the titty factory that day, he really was doing more important things, like reading fine print.

In closing, I must ask you all one thing.

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