School is in session. Now where’s my gift?

Well, summer is drawing near and you know what that means. If you have kids, they will soon be out of school and at home annoying the living shit out of you. Most people would find that to be somewhat of a depressing thought. However, I’m fucking ecstatic about it, and I’m about to tell you why.

First of all, let me state for the record that I love teachers… most of them. I have friends who are teachers, and I have family members who are teachers. Fundamentally, I think what they do for a living is hard work. I say that because when I attempt to explain something to my kids, and they don’t get it the first or second time around, I have have a notion to get really snippy and somewhat short. Hard to believe, I know…

Teaching is an extremely noble profession that I highly respect, and I’m thankful that there are people out there that can teach my children what I can’t. Even when I used to play teacher as a little kid, I sucked at it. I chastised this make believe kid, Henry for being such a tool on a daily basis.  Henry hated me, and I hated him because he was stupid and never understood my lessons. Not to mention he always talked without raising his hand, and he disrupted the class often. Looking back, he probably had ADHD and just needed to be medicated.  His parents were also assholes because they never brought me teachers gifts.

Which oddly enough, brings me to my main complaint. I’m not sure if it’s the location in which we live, or if times are a changin’, but I’m considering pimping Brent out to help cushion the yearly teacher gift giving fund around here.

You see, every year it happens. There is this one persistent and annoying room Mom that gains access to your email address, and then she will continue to suck you absolutely dry of all your money throughout the year for various things.

“It’s Thanksgiving!! Let’s show so and so how thankful we are she’s teaching our kids.”

“It’s Christmas- Let’s make so and so feel special because it’s baby Jesus’s birthday!”

“Hey, it’s Valentines! Throw so and so some dolla dolla bills, y’all! We LOOOOOVE her!”

“Okay folks, it’s veterans day. So and so isn’t a veteran, but fuck it, seems like a legit excuse to give her a gift anyway!

“Hey, it’s so and so’s birthday next month. If you would like to pitch in on buying her a gift just let me know! I’ll reach out to you all again every 1.5 days until you fucking crack open that wallet, bitch”

“Oh hey there, we know you already paid for your child’s school supplies at the beginning of the year, but if you can pitch in and purchase these 50 things so we can re-stock the classroom, that would be great!”

“Hey, it’s teachers appreciation WEEK!!! You know what that means. . .  $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$“

“Hi again, Mrs. so and so has been constipated lately, and consequently her asshole is the size of a manhole cover. Can we all pitch in to buy her some tucks pads, proctofoam, a Block Buster rental card, and a gift card to Whole Foods so that she can buy organic greens to increase the roughage in her diet? Anything you can contribute over $50 would be greatly appreciated”

“Hi everyone. End of the year is drawing near, and I think it would be nice to get so and so a gift  for her to enjoy during her entire fucking paid summer off. How about it?”

I think you all get my point.

I clearly went in the wrong line of work, even given the fact that I have zero patience with most children, but more importantly, “challenging” children. I find that most children who aren’t MINE to be challenging, by the way.

Even so, I’m beginning to think that I could fake it for all the free shit I could accrue throughout the school year. I figure 23 kids per class, equal a lot of  decent shit even with the few Mom’s that strictly bring in failed homemade Pinterest el’ cheapo gifts that I would automatically throw in the trash.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a frugal person who’s opposed to doing nice gestures for someone who’s educating my children, but as we near the end of the year my thoughts on the subject are enough is enough. All of this tomfoolery is cutting into my god damned nail polish fund! more on that later

Anybody remember that old movie where the kid is riding around on his bike while stalking the same people, saying “I want my two dollars!!” Well, that’s essentially how I see the room mom. If summer means never hearing from her ass again, then bring it on!

Technorati Tags: school,teachers,teachers gifts,debt,pimped out by the room mom,broke and shit,ranting

Helpful life tips from my darling daughter

Every now and then as a parent you come across something that is a potential gold mind for future use against your kids. My offspring love to write in journals and draw, especially Taylor. Imagine my excitement when Aidan let it be known that he had stumbled across one of Taylor’s book of tips.

I immediately grabbed the small leather bound book and began reading intently as if it were a New York Times best seller, or midget porn. To my surprise, this girl is a regular Dear Abby! If I ever had any lingering doubts if I was raising my daughter to be a bright, independent, and self-assured young lady, I could rest assured that I was.

Since I’m a giving kind of gal, I fully intend on sharing a few of Taylor’s tips with you all. Feel free to share them with your friends, because we all have a few friends that need a tip or two.

There were over 30 tips in her book, from everything to hair care, to skin care, to health care. I’ve only chosen to showcase four of the most important tips here on the blog today. Judging from her handwriting, these tips were not written recently, however, they will be applicable for years to come.

Here we have tip number 7. “Make-up is supposed to ENHANCE your features, not give you new ones. Wear natural colors.” 

Now this is a fine tip that I wish she would share with some of her middle school peers. Some days when I drop Taylor off at school, I witness several girls channeling their inner drag queen. I’ve never seen so much glitter, eyeliner, and contouring in my life.

Tip number 12 is also very wise. “Don’t shave unless you know how. You’ll end up ripping off your skin.”

Unfortunately Taylor learned this tip the hard way. She shaved off about a pound and a half of skin from her shin when she took it upon herself to shave without consulting me first. She evidently learned her lesson by later shaving off half of her eyebrow this past summer. I’m pretty sure I blogged about that as well.

My absolute favorite tip out of the whole book would be tip number 20.

“Don’t wear low-cut shirts or super short shorts. Dress in a not wh**e-like fashion.”

Dressing like a whore is a big no no in this house. I often have little chats with Taylor about dressing and acting like a lady. I know it’s hard to imagine that shit going on around here, but I want to attempt to give her the best start at life. Walking around with her crotch hanging out of her shorts isn’t something that’s going to help her achieve her life goals, Unless her goal is to be a little hooker, which thankfully it’s not at this point. I’m just glad to see that it sunk in.

Let’s move on to our final tip. Tip number 31.

“Don’t hang out with people just to be popular. When you’re older you would much rather have memories of good friends. You can be friends with them just don’t hang out with them to be popular.”

Now this is some wise shit right here. It’s so wise I don’t even need to expound on it.

Now I’m going to give all of you parents a tip. Just the tip, so don’t be scared.

Don’t EVER throw this kind of stuff away. Keep it until your kids are much older so that you can all look back and laugh. This kind of stuff is priceless!

Technorati Tags: Life tips,just the tip,kids,makeup,Taylor,shaving advice,dear abby,shit my kid says

An asshole’s guide to Valentine’s Day

I’ve always had a strong disinclination towards Valentine’s Day. I can easily recall my Middle School years, but most importantly, my High School years during this dreadful “holiday”.

All of the girls would rush in between classes out to the long table that was placed in front of the principle’s office, to see if anything had been delivered for them during class. It was like a sea of half dead wilted roses, and obnoxious large mylar balloons, with some Dollar Store looking teddy bears thrown in for good measure.

If you were patient enough, you could very easily witness every range of emotion in front of the table on that day. Elation, desperation, contentment, jealousy and my favorite, anger.   It was all very laughable to me, because in my mind that table was just a very blatant clue of who was fucking whom. Or who was about to be fucking whom.

I had imagined those who got the $50 dollar flower bouquets were probably into anal. The girls who got the biggest heart shaped balloon with the additional heart shaped balloon stuffed inside were probably really being encouraged to use less teeth, if you know what I mean. And you don’t even want to know what my take on the single carnation eluded to.

Has my hardened heart gotten any softer over the years?

Nope.

I still think it’s a shitty excuse for a holiday.

What happens in a nutshell is this. I typically end up eating all of the Aidan’s candy that was supposed to go on some shitty ass Pinterest project I roped myself into doing, because I wanted his Valentine’s to be different and unique.  Not to mention, I could also possibly to look like a Mom who just might give a shit for once, instead of going to Wal-mart at midnight the day before the school party, only to end up with the last pack of Justin Bieber cards that Aidan would refuse to take anyway. So basically, in this scenario, Valentine’s Day makes you a compulsive candy eating fatass.

Then when my husband comes home with roses for me out of the goodness of his heart, the first thought that runs through my mind is this.

1.  Fuck. Now I have to brave the thorns in order to put them in a goddamned vase.

or

2.  Fuck. This is going to require a blowjob isn’t it? Because really, don’t all acts of kindness require blowjobs?

So in this scenario I’m required to do manual labor, and nobody likes manual labor. Especially me, when thorns are involved.

If you have kids, some might feel obligated to make them feel special on this holiday.

I don’t, but you might, and that sucks for you. I’m sorry.

Frankly, I think Brent hit the jackpot when he met me. I don’t expect him to take me out for a romantic night on the town on Valentine’s Day. I don’t want flowers, because frankly, they are a waste of money.  I don’t want chocolate, probably because I ate all of Aidan’s classmates chocolate. I  also don’t want an expensive meal or jewelry. Although jewelry would probably increase Bj’s exponentially. Mental note…

I just want to be left the fuck alone so I can watch my Bad Girls marathon in peace and quiet. And the only sweet nothing I want him to whisper in my ear is “Rest. I’ve got all the shitty diapers today, baby.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, assholes.

Technorati Tags: valentine's day,love,chocolate,assholes,anal

Anatomy lesson with blake

I think that it’s innate as a parent that one of the very first things we do is teach our baby/toddler the names of their adorable little facial features. I’m unsure as to why that’s really important, but we all do it for whatever reason.

That being said, It’s almost a given that if you have children, at some point you sat around repeatedly asking your small child where their nose was, as they sat on your lap with a blank stare on their face while drooling and shitting their pants simultaneously. 

I’ve been doing this since Bake was about 2 weeks old. He’s not even 2 yet, and he answers with “Pipe the fuck down! I know where my nose is!”

He’s advanced.

He also refers to his male parts as “junk”. I’m not kidding. Ever since he started trying to rip it off during diaper changes, I explained how he shouldn’t try to rip his junk off. I guess it stuck.

Anyway, Blake is always down for our daily anatomy lesson, unless I try to record it of course. Then I get a deer in the headlights look. However, there is always one particular part that he’s always willing to prove that he knows.

This is no doubt, how he will get the ladies in the future.

Crazy eyes

Technorati Tags: toddler,eyebrows,anatomy lesson,blake,groucho marx