Something is rotten in Denmark

So as you may or may not know, it's the final day to vote for me (if you so choose to do so) over at Kucklehead's blog for the Blog off competition that he is hosting.

Apparently Mikey boy and his fan base have been holding out on us week after week during this entire competition since dude drew in over 100 votes in like a 2 hour period yesterday. Rather impressive show of support if you ask me. Way to come from behind Mike!

However, never one to give up, I'm rallying the troops in order to get back on top. That's really my favorite place to be anyway....

So please, do what you have to do. Tell your friends, your Grandma, and your neighbors. Tweet this shit, facebook the hell out of it, BLOG ABOUT IT, vote from every available computer that you have access to. I really don't care. The gloves are off, and competitive Candice has come out to play.

Although, I will say that if I lose, I will do so in a classy and dignified manner because that's just how I roll.

(bullshit alert!)

Vote! Vote! Vote!! Knuckleheadhumor.com

Voting ends 2/10 6 pm pacific time.

Killer crabs exist, and I'm not talking about the kind that live between Paris Hilton's legs either. . .

I made the long journey upstairs to check on the kids one last time before I decided to turn in for the night. I think this ritual comes pretty much standard with motherhood since I've done this almost nightly since both of my children were babies.

I made it to the second floor and I saw a soft glow coming from Aidan's room. Scratch that. I saw his reading lamp that was attached to his bed 2 inches from his face, bright as fuck by the way, searing his retinas as he slept. If it weren't for my motherly instincts checking on her young and whatnot, he would have surely sustained a 15 degree burn by morning. Or at the very least, he would have developed a bitchin' case of melanoma due to the fact that his father apparently thinks it's appropriate to place a 900 watt light bulb in his reading lamp. Seriously, I could grill chicken on that thing!

So anyway, I began to admire what amazing DNA that I evidently posses as I gazed at my adorable sleeping child. I turned off his BBQ lamp, and then I kissed him goodnight on his soft cheek. I also verified that he was in fact still breathing, because I'm sort of neurotic like that even though he bypassed the SIDS high risk window like 6 years ago.

Eventually, I made my way down the hall to Taylor's room. She had managed to cover herself in 5 comforters, one throw blanket, 1 sheet, and 2 fat ass cats who seem annoyed that I was disturbing their sleep. I looked at the cats and gave them a glare that let them know without a shadow of a doubt that they could feel free to suck it if they were that put out by my presence. I removed the 321 layers in order to find my sleeping beauty, I smelled her clean damp hair, and then kissed her goodnight on her sweet freckled cheek.

All was well in my world until out of the corner of my eye, I glanced over at the hermit crab habitat. What. The. Fuck????? Oh hell no! (cue creepy music here) I walked slowly towards the dresser where Taylor kept Mr. Crabs. I could feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

Terrification set in. I'm fairly certain that I just made up a word. I really do kick ass... Anyway, I saw that the shell that the crab once called his home was flipped upside down, and this THING was in the sand next to it. It was dark in the room, so I wasn't sure exactly what I was seeing, but I knew it was evil. I immediately flipped on the light, proceeded to scream, and then I woke Taylor up to ask her if she knew what the hell was going on with her crab.

Nevermind that it was midnight, I needed to know exactly what we were dealing with here.

Me- "OH MY GOD!!! Taylor!!! Wake up!"

Taylor- "The light! It burrrrns!"

Me- "Have you seen this!? What the heck is going on with Mr. Crabs?"

Taylor- "What?"

Me- "He's freaking me out! He's out of his shell, and he looks all cyanotic and evil. He doesn't look at all what I envisioned a crab to look like. We've got to do something about this."

Taylor- "He's MOLTING Mommy!"

Me- "I think he's dead, or worse......"

Taylor- "Whatever."

So I calmed myself down and went back downstairs to bed. Well, not really... I decided that it was time to wake up Brent to tell him the latest development with the crab. (shaking Brent violently) "Houston! We have a problem." I said matter-of-factly as I pulled the blankets off of him. "We've reached the danger zone with the crab thing, and frankly I don't feel comfortable with it living in this house any longer."

After meaningless banter back and forth, I was able to (threaten him with his life) get him to march his ass upstairs to go and see exactly what I was talking about. This thing was vicious, and if left to its own devices, there was no telling what this crab was capable of. I had to convince Brent of this.

So he looked into the crab shack and turned around to me and says "Yep. It's a crab. This is what you called me up here for? You woke me up for this??"

"Look at it! It's totally out of its shell, and it's WHITE for Christ's sake! Just yesterday he was a completely different color! So I guess we have the Sammy Sosa's of hermit crabs, and that's all of the sudden normal to you? Look, this is not what I signed up for. Frankly, I find it disturbing as hell. And just look at it! It doesn't look like any crab I've ever seen. Those assholes at Petco went and sold me some defective, psycho freak crab."

So to prove me wrong, Brent came up with the brilliant idea to poke it with a pencil to see if it would show signs of life by moving it's legs. I'm really not sure of the outcome of his plan since I ran off in the opposite direction screaming like a bitch, but needless to say, it was fun for the whole family.

So we decided to go back downstairs to get some sleep, and then about 4 minutes later Taylor came busting through our door with a look of fear on her face. She automatically climbed in our bed and got between us while staring intently at the ceiling.

Me- "What do you think you're doing?

Taylor- "I'm going to sleep."

Me- "Uh, not down here you're not. This king size bed is barely big enough for me given that I like to sleep like a capital X. Nevermind you, your father, and the dog. . . "

Taylor- "But I'm scared?"

Brent- "Good job, Mommy!"

Me- "What?!?! Taylor, you're scared of your crab? Seriously?"

Taylor- "But I looked at him and you were right. He does look evil." she beings to cry

Brent- "Way to go. Now she's terrified of her own pet. . . "

Me- "What?!? Stop looking at me like I'm Hannibal Lecter. That crab is rather disturbing. I was only stating the facts. Plus, I think it's dead anyway. "

Taylor- "I think it is too. Because DADDY was poking it with a pencil!!"

Me- "Ha!!! Yes, Daddy WAS poking it with a pencil wasn't he?"

Long story longer, Brent was forced to go back upstairs, duct tape the lid on the crab's habitat just in case the body blows with the pencil weren't enough to do him in, and he finally transported Mr. Crabs to an alternate locale called the guest bathroom on the opposite side of the house.

Surely this would keep us all safe.

Or would it?

Stay tuned for part 2 whenever I get around to posting it.

Oh, and please don't forget to vote for your girl over at Knucklehead. Voting ends on Wednesday!!

The Times They Are A-Changin' (Blogger Idol finale)

Guess what? We (as in me and you) have finally made it to the last round of Knucklehead's Blogger Idol. Thank you all so much for sticking with me and voting week after week. I can never thank you enough. By the way, my competitor is under the impression that I'm honestly going to post naked pictures of myself if I win. I'm fairly certain that my readers are smart enough to know a joke when they see one, so let me just state for the record that I will NOT be posting naked pictures of.... myself.

Moving on.

Today's topic will be writer's choice, so lets do this thing, shall we?

---------------------------------------------------------

There comes a time in your life when you know that you're ready to embark on "the journey". This grand journey that I speak of is indeed life altering, and it is one that has abundant highs and lows, and many times, while very rewarding, can seem never ending.

That being said, this journey is most certainly not meant for everyone. It's especially not meant for those of a selfish nature, or for the faint of heart. Oh, and if you are the type of person who enjoys a full night's sleep?? Fagettaboutit!

What am I talking about?

Now I don't particularly have the time to get into all of the ways that having children will rob you of your youth and beauty, steal your soul, financially ruin you, make your ass wider, your feet bigger, your boobs drag to the floor, and make you say things that essentially turn you into your Mother, consequently making you want to reach into your throat and rip your very own larynx out.

However, I will touch on the one thing that WILL inevitably happen to you once you have chosen to hop on the offspring bandwagon. Many times it starts out innocently enough. You have your beautiful child (at least YOU think so) sitting next to you on the couch. You're emotionally barren, hungry, completely fucking exhausted, and if you have to listen to that loud, obnoxious, deafening noise that is emitting from the ginormous pie hole of that thing you call a child for one more minute, you will surely hang yourself with your very own milk stained nursing bra.

Then it happens. As you mindlessly flip through the television channels, you accidentally land on something that catches your little monster's eye.

Then?

Silence. . .

No seriously, it's as if you have installed a MUTE button on that kid of yours, and they're just sitting there not making a sound. They seem to be completely and totally mesmerized by the characters bouncing around before them on television.

Now I absolutely remember being a naysayer before I had my children. I recall my sister letting her boys watch Barney, and the ration of shit I gave her because of it. "Are you serious?" I would ask. "This is the best you can do? A homosexual, purple dinosaur with a lisp? Really??? You should be ashamed of yourself. Craig and Dylan are SO going to get their asses whooped!"

Well guess what, kids? Now I get it. I totally do. I eventually went on to have my own children, and I caved to the likes of Sesame Street, Stanley, Dora The Explorer, The Wiggles, Lazy Town, Thomas and Friends, and The goddamed DoodleBops just to name a few.

While I was somewhat forced to watch these ridiculous programs with my children, I will say that they weren't all bad. However, Sesame Street did annoy the hell out of me. As you well know, they like to focus on diversity, which I'm totally down with. Unfortunately, when my kids began pointing out that the only white kids on the show were either mentally challenged, parentless, in wheelchairs, or blowing Oscar the grouch for spare change behind his trash can, I began to steer them towards other programming.

Stanley, on the other hand, was pretty cool. I learned all about animals from his great big book of everything, and his talking pet gold fish was a total smart ass, which I could relate to. Dora The Explorer, while being left alone to her own devices given that her parents were rarely around, was also not the worst possible thing to watch. Truth be told, I learned more Espanol from that bitch than I ever thought about learning in both of my Spanish classes in high school. Oh, and The Wiggles? Totally lame, but one of the guys was half way attractive and didn't come across as a pedophile. Besides, who am I to judge someone for singing "Toot toot chugga chugga big red car"?

Then time went on, and things began to get just plain weird. Thanks to some jack offs in Iceland and Canada, educational programs like Lazy Town and The Doodlebops came on scene. Perhaps some of you are familiar with this crap, and if you are, I'm so sorry. For those of you lucky enough to have missed out on them, please familiarize yourself by viewing YouTube videos or googling them. Only then will you appreciate my disdain for the crackheads who came up with this high quality television programming for children.

Luckily my kids are of the ages where these types of shows are no longer a concern of mine, and if they do have momentary lapses in good judgement, I simply send them to another area of the house out of my eyesight and earshot in which to view them.

As fate would have it, the other day as I was flipping through the channels, I accidentally happened on one of the best kids shows EVER! All I could do was sit on the couch in a catatonic state, unable to believe what I was seeing. It was essentially a one eyed ribbed for her pleasure vibrator, a cute little butt plug, and a hopelessly flamboyant DJ that was clearly a dildo of some sort, dancing around on the screen singing songs to the little children of the world and whatnot.

One eyed ribbed for her pleasure vibrator

A cute little butt plug

The hopelessly flamboyant DJ lance

I think it was called Yo Grabba Dildo, Yo Gabba Gabba or something equally lame. I really can't remember. All I know is Nick Jr has some major issues.

Then again, I do have to ask myself this question. If my kids were young enough to be mesmerized by such crap, would I let them in the name of peace and quiet, my sanity, and all that is zen and harmonious???

You bet your sweet ass I would!

Oh, and now that I think about it, I do have one more question. Can these Yo Gabba Gabba things be purchased in stores? Preferably with AA batteries included? I mean, for the kids of course...
-----------------------------------------------------------

Alright! This is my last entry for Knucklehead's blogger idol. It's just me and Mike fighting it out for the title. Don't let me down, please vote vote vote (for me!!) Spread the word to all of your family and friends with internet access! ;)

6 year old question of the day

Aidan- "What's a ho?"

Brent- "What?!"

Me- "EXCUSE ME?!?!"

Aidan- spelling it out for us this time "What are H - O - S?"

Me- "They are helpful tools that you use in the garden! Why do you ask?"

Aidan- "Well David said that ho's were naked girls. He's a 5th grader, so he must know what they are."

Me- "Well be sure and tell "David" that your father and I appreciate his insight on the subject. Oh, look over there! Something shiny!"

Aidan- "So ho's really are naked girls?"

Brent- "Possibly. However, they are also tasty snacks."

Aidan- "Oooh, can we get some?!?"

Me- "NO!"

----------------------------------------------------------

By the way, the voting is close this week for Blogger Idol. If you haven't already, please stop by Knucklehead's site and VOTE (for me) . ;)

Me love you long time!