Murphy's Law

The definition of this law is as follows...

"Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way".

I don't really know who this Murphy guy is exactly, but he must have been one unlucky SOB. At any rate I feel his pain and it's clear that his law is in effect around this household this morning.

First of all, let me inform you that Brent has been walking around with a permanent hard on for the past 2 days due to the fact that we now have AT&T UVERSE. This allows us to have HDTV on all TVs (sproing....), better channels (sproing sproing...), faster Internet connection (uh, oh... getting hot in here...), and some other shit that I totally tuned out all in one package. What this all means to ME is that it's now a pain in the ass to watch TV. I don't know how to work the damn remote and all of "my channels" are completely jacked up to the point that I have to look at a damn TV guide to figure out where E entertainment and CBS is. "Oh, and by the way, the channel you want is HERE, but if you want to view it in HDTV then you need to press this number instead." WTF???

Are you freaking kidding me? This is what he's been stiffing over? It's inconvenient and a pain in my ass. Wow, now I can see individual eyebrows on the newscasting knob instead of a blob of color. Please hold while I go and rub one out from all of the excitement. Give me a break! I'm sure I will be placing numerous calls to baby daddy while he's away asking him how to turn the TV on, how to get to my recordings and I'll probably curse him out while I'm at it. The kids will probably jump right on in with me because they had all of their channels memorized, knew how to set up timers to record, etc. Now they are as clueless as I am.

Thanks Daddy!!

So in addition to all of the TV fun Brent flies off into the sunrise and I'm left with a kitchen sink (disposal side) that doesn't work. The following conversation took place via text messaging between myself and "Bob Villa".

Me- (after bitching about the tv and inquiring as to where I could find the TV channel guide I add...) "By the way, the kitchen sink is stopped up. Thanks a fing lot!"

Bob- "like I did anything to it??"

Me- "Well how the fuck do you fix it?"

Bob- "Run the disposal if you haven't (gee thanks for that spectacular piece of advice) Run the hot water. Look down and see if anything is in it, or if it's in the pipes.

I can see now that this is going to be a giant waste of time...

Me- "I tried to run the disposal and it doesn't work."

Bob- "Completely dead or does it hum?"

I TOTALLY pass the opportunity by to joke about our disposal giving hummers because I'm annoyed...

Me- "It hums, just doesn't dispose. This has happened before. How do I fix it?"

Bob- "Check the utensil drawer for the wrench - little bar about as long as your hand with slightly bent ends."

I decide not to point out that I'm not a complete drooling retard. I do know how to distinguish a wrench from a cooking utensil.

Me- "Now what? Stick it up my ass?"

Bob- "Haven't you spent enough time in the ER this week?"

Hmm, he's got a point

Me- "I can't go a week without a functioning sink. Quit fing around and tell me what to do please. I asked nicely and everything."

Bob- "On the bottom of the disposal, exactly in the middle, you'll find a hole for the wrench. Stick it in and turn it one way or the other - it's stuck on something that fell down the drain."

Me- Being completely logical I say.."I hope I don't eff it up. Shit isn't going to pour out is it?"

I decide to take my chances, stick the wrench in the hole and turn it like I was instructed to do. Then I turned the disposal on to see if my roto-rootering had worked...

Me- Sweet Jesus! You didn't tell me that I had to remove the wrench prior to turning the damn disposal back on!! I'm lucky I still have all of my fingers!

Bob- "Uh, it spins. Sorry about that. Any luck on the drain problem?"

Me- "Fuck no. Next bright idea Bob Villa?"

Bob- "Can you see into the disposal or is it a sink full of water?"

Me- "Sink full of water, but I stuck my hand down in there (with my latex glove on of course) and there isn't shit stuck."

Finally Bob placed a call to me since going back and forth via text messaging was getting us no where fast. I know we've had this problem in the past, but unfortunately it looks as though I'm not going to be able to fix it. I draw the line at sticking wrenches in holes and damn near chopping my fingers off. So I guess I will have to place a call into a local plumber and (take it up the ass monetarily speaking) have them fix this simple issue that Mr. Bob Villa could have fixed prior to his departure. Had he cleaned the kitchen last night after dinner he would have discovered the stopped up sink on his own. Therefore it's really HIS fault.

In the meantime my kitchen will continue to look like crap since I can't run my dishwasher. Yes, I do the dishes when Brent isn't here. What the hell is wrong with you people! ;)

~~~~~~~~~~UPDATE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This brilliant reader http://mycatatemybrain.blogspot.com/ gave me a tip on how to fix my sink and I'm pleased to say that it worked! WOO HOO! Now I'm back in business. So much for Bob Villa and his trusty advice. Thanks Chris!

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