I want to give you a little background info on me. I fucking HATE spiders. They freak the holy hell out of me. If you want to see me run around like a spaz while screaming like someone is ripping me limb from limb, then put a spider in my general area and that's all it will take. Walking through a spider web will also cause the above scenario complete with random seizing type motions for a good 3-4 minutes after contact.
I remember when Taylor was totally into Stanley when she was younger. It's a cartoon about a boy who loves animals for those who don't know. I bought her The Great Big Book Of Everything and we both learned about animals together. To my dismay they also have everything you wanted to know about insects as well. And if that weren't enough I turned the page and saw every kind of gross and disgusting spider that I cared to see. With REAL pictures all close up and everything. You could even see their eyes. All 8 of them. *shudder* You could also even visualize the hair on their gross ass legs for the species that actually had hair on their spider legs. Okay, lets not talk about that anymore. I'm getting freaked out again.. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I screamed an explicative and ran out of the room with my heart pounding into my throat. From then on out Taylor knew that we couldn't go past a certain page, because if we did then bedtime festivities were cut short.
I also recall a time when my mother was visiting me in Virginia. We had a huge back yard full of trees. We were out back doing some yard work and just enjoying the day. I happened to look up at the tree in front of me and almost passed out when I saw a fucking BLACK WIDOW. Oh my GAWD!! My life was over...
"We've got those little bastards on our property!?!?! Oh my god!! Aren't those indigenous to Africa or some shit?!?! How could they possibly be here?!?"
I ran inside the house to arm myself properly and emerged from the house with my brand new can of Hot Shot. That bitch was going down! I figured I could stand at least 10 ft away and still douse the spider with my lethal spray. I told my mom to get the hell out the way because "it was about to be on". Only problem is when my spray hit the spider, it started to move which totally freaked me out. I began running around the back yard like a maniac, but I felt that I had to keep spraying or else it would get away and I would have a pissed off rogue black widow spider in my back yard poised for revenge, and I would never be able to step foot back there again. My kids would no long be able to play back there as well because lets face it, I only had ONE black widow back there... So after my mini freak out sessions I would run back to the tree and commence my attack. Finally when my mom stopped laughing at my antics, she walked right up to the tree and took her shoe off and killed it with one good whack. The end. "I suppose that will work too." I said with my hoarse voice from all of the blood curdling screaming that I was doing. That pine tree had a Hot Shot spray stain on it for a good 6 months. One whole can will do that I guess...
Then there was the time (in Virgina again) where I walked outside on our deck one evening and almost walked through an intricately woven spider web with not ONE but TWO huge orb spiders on it. Now can I just say that ALL spiders freak me out, but the ones with the large round backs and long skinny legs really set me off. I screamed so loud that Brent ran outside to what he surely thought would be a murder scene. He got rid of the spiders some how and we both waited for the police to arrive. Turns out nobody called the cops due to my screaming, but I'm sure the neighbors thought that I was getting the shit beat out of me.
I'm almost of the point of my post, I swear.. first I want to have a little chat with the producers of Survivor. I love the show. I've been a huge fan since season one. However, I have a little problem with the show. Why in the FUCK do you insist on showing little clips of ginormous spiders typically on their webs moving their gross legs or eating some random unfortunate bug in between scenes? I mean, is that strictly necessary? You're giving me mini-heart attacks damn near every episode. Please find something else to shoot for random footage. A monkey's ass. A cute little lizard. A snake biting into Jeff Probst's nuts. ANYTHING but SPIDERS.. Thank you.
Anyway, so why all of this spider talk? Well, I'll tell you. I've got a little friend who has decided to set up shop on the ceiling in my fucking pantry. I noticed it after Brent went out of town. Why is it every time he leaves I need him for something? He's my exterminator and he was gone! WTF?? What has he done for me lately? Anyway, I've lost 15 pounds this week because I'm too terrified to go in the pantry for food. At first I was pissed that Mr. long legs picked the ceiling in the pantry to hang his sedentary ass, because really, what kind of bounty will that moron find in the pantry?? Does he think that we've got other insects in the pantry? Stupid d-bag. Whatever, now I'm thankful he's there. Frankly, all I need is a spider in the fridge and freezer and I figure I'll be looking damn good for 2009.
9 comments:
Spiders don't bother me. Nor do snakes. LOL. My dad on the other hand hates spiders. My mom hates snakes.
You are so funny! I can't stand spiders either. I have my husband and/or my oldest son get them. I also can't stand palmetto bugs. I become a banshee around them...you'd think I was having a vocal seizure or possibly Tourrete Syndrome coupled with a seizure.
Chris- I don't think I'd want to get up close and personal with a snake, but I can look at pictures and see one on TV without freaking out. Spiders? Not so much.
br8eyes- Tourette's Syndrome could also be used to explain my behavior once I come in close contact with a spider. It's hard to run around at a high rate of speed, scream explicative's while simultaneously shitting myself, and yell all at once, but I know that's what I do. I can also promise you if I had the great black widow killing spree on video that I would be 10,000 dollars richer right now. Well, probably not right NOW as I would have blown through it already because that was a few years ago, but I digress...
I remember being in south Missouri for a family reunion. We were driving around the lake when I swore I saw something big creeping across the road. Stepdad backed the car up, and sure enough, a brown tarantula was making tracks for the ditch. I wanted to collect it in a jar (because you don't see these kind of spiders in that area very often, but they are there), but my stepdad just backed the car up a little more, and ran over the little guy.
Spiders don't really bother me, unless they are the brown recluse variety.
Heather- You wanted to KEEP a t-t-t-tranttttula? You need help.;)
Actually, I grew up in a small town in West Texas and one day I happened upon a tarantula in our yard. Apparently my fear of spiders wasn't that great at that time because I was able to stand close enough to it to drench it in gasoline. I did not, however, set it ablaze. If I were to stumble upon one of those bad boys today? Well, the only thing *I* would be drenched in is feces.
I live in VA so you know we got spiders everywhere. As long as they stay outside I'm cool. But let one of the mf'ers come inside and invade my personal space...it gets smooshed, sprayed or swatted.
Brandy- Yes, it seemed like the fall was the worst time for me there. I loved the change in foliage and what not, but those orb spiders liked to come out of hiding and spin their gross webs on our front porch, deck, in the bushes etc. Nasty little creatures.
oh candice spiders arent that bad they have lots of protien and can be a good filler inbetween snak times. in fact ....
um,
candice,
whats that on your shoulder..
Nooter- I'll get my protein from other sources, thanks. :)
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