I'm not going to climatically lead up to the main idea of this post in a slow teasing fashion. Rather, I will simply state the obvious. I FUCKING HATE FOOTBALL and I can't wait until it's over.
I'm not sure where my hatred of the game came from. Perhaps it was because that's all my dad watched as I was growing up. It didn't matter what game was on and if he was a fan or not. He watched ALL the games. Actually, he didn't always watch. He took a nap through most of them and when I tried to pry the remote from his clutched hands to watch something worth a shit he would wake up and explain that "he was just resting his eyes". So needless to say I was in hell until about middle school when I was blessed with my own TV in my room. It was my football free sanctuary and I loved it. Everyone else could kiss my ass and in order to do that they could find me in MY room watching MY TV that didn't have some lame ass football game on.
The years passed by and I obtained a boyfriend who also enjoyed football. Then I wondered if penises and football automatically went together and if it was something I was just going to have to put up with. Like, maybe it was my destiny or something. Then I wondered if the penis itself was covered in pig skin like a football and perhaps THAT was the connection. P.S I eventually found out the truth about that. The penis, was in fact, NOT covered in pig skin. Then I told myself that I would have to either deal with it or become a lesbian. I was smart enough to realize that even being a lesbian wouldn't guarantee that I would be free from the curse of football, because I knew chicks that were football fans as well.
So more years passed and I remember having a very specific conversation with my mother. I told her that I had some criteria for my future husband and if he didn't meet my expectations then "it" wasn't going to happen... I won't list them all because I don't typically like to make myself out to be a giant douche bag 100% of the time.. Here are a few for you, however.
1. My future husband would NOT be into sports. (CHECK!!!!! Totally hit the jackpot with this one!! All you ladies stuck with husbands that would rather sit on the couch and scream at the TV while watching men hop on one another in tights... or spend all day with ESPN on the big screen, allow me to offer you my condolences. It must suck to be you!)
2. My future husband would pay all the bills since I'm not so good at that sort of thing.. (CHECK CHECK CHECK!! Now this will bite me in the ass if Brent ever gets hit by a bus because I haven't really been paying attention to our online bill payment classes that baby daddy attempts to hold from time to time. I figure I will search out a financial advisor next go around if that run over by a bus scenario ever plays out.)
3. I also told my mom that I would marry either a lawyer or doctor.. ha to be young and stupid again (Anyway, not so much. Hindsight is a funny thing because I don't think I'd marry a doctor OR lawyer if they lined up outside my house right now asking for my hand in marriage AND looked like Jeffery Donovan. I'd probably have sex with them and require some type of stipend for my awesome services but that's where that would end....) ;)
Anyway, I guess you might be wondering what my beef is with football if my husband doesn't watch it, right? Well, it's on TV that's why! It's jacking with my ability to watch quality TV, that's why! It also screws with my dvr timers that I have set up to record other quality TV programming.. that's why!
And for Christ's sake why in the hell does it take so long to play a stupid game? I swear that it's nothing but a tease! I'll turn the TV on to a game and then try to be thankful that they only have 5 minutes left before something worth a damn will come on, but what you may not know is that 5 minutes is actually an HOUR in football minutes. All the flags, time outs, commercials, play reviews, and random jacking off will cause you to grow old and actually die before the game finally ends.
Finally, my last gripe about the game is all of the showboating that they do when they score a touchdown. You know what I think? I think they are fucking morons with all of the little dancing manuvers that they do in the end zone. Alright Mr. NFL player, I'm talking to you now.. First of all, your ass is basically wearing tights (that's right... just like Peter freaking Pan) so you look like a fucking fairy doing your celebratory chicken dance jig. Secondly, the typical NFL salary is roughly 1.4 million dollars a year. Trust me, I did my research. So the fact that you are getting all overly excited about scoring a touchdown, which is essentially doing something you are being grossly overpaid to do is just insulting. Frankly, it makes me want to shove that football up your ass sideways. Don't worry.. I'll use some Icy Hot as lube.
So it's at this point that I would like to thank my husband for not being a completely football crazed jackass because if you were I would SO make you pay. I even asked Brent if he knew how rare it is to find a man that doesn't like sports. Thankfully he said he doesn't know because if he did we would have a whole other set of issues to deal with.
Rant over!
Humor-Blogs.com
I'm not sure where my hatred of the game came from. Perhaps it was because that's all my dad watched as I was growing up. It didn't matter what game was on and if he was a fan or not. He watched ALL the games. Actually, he didn't always watch. He took a nap through most of them and when I tried to pry the remote from his clutched hands to watch something worth a shit he would wake up and explain that "he was just resting his eyes". So needless to say I was in hell until about middle school when I was blessed with my own TV in my room. It was my football free sanctuary and I loved it. Everyone else could kiss my ass and in order to do that they could find me in MY room watching MY TV that didn't have some lame ass football game on.
The years passed by and I obtained a boyfriend who also enjoyed football. Then I wondered if penises and football automatically went together and if it was something I was just going to have to put up with. Like, maybe it was my destiny or something. Then I wondered if the penis itself was covered in pig skin like a football and perhaps THAT was the connection. P.S I eventually found out the truth about that. The penis, was in fact, NOT covered in pig skin. Then I told myself that I would have to either deal with it or become a lesbian. I was smart enough to realize that even being a lesbian wouldn't guarantee that I would be free from the curse of football, because I knew chicks that were football fans as well.
So more years passed and I remember having a very specific conversation with my mother. I told her that I had some criteria for my future husband and if he didn't meet my expectations then "it" wasn't going to happen... I won't list them all because I don't typically like to make myself out to be a giant douche bag 100% of the time.. Here are a few for you, however.
1. My future husband would NOT be into sports. (CHECK!!!!! Totally hit the jackpot with this one!! All you ladies stuck with husbands that would rather sit on the couch and scream at the TV while watching men hop on one another in tights... or spend all day with ESPN on the big screen, allow me to offer you my condolences. It must suck to be you!)
2. My future husband would pay all the bills since I'm not so good at that sort of thing.. (CHECK CHECK CHECK!! Now this will bite me in the ass if Brent ever gets hit by a bus because I haven't really been paying attention to our online bill payment classes that baby daddy attempts to hold from time to time. I figure I will search out a financial advisor next go around if that run over by a bus scenario ever plays out.)
3. I also told my mom that I would marry either a lawyer or doctor.. ha to be young and stupid again (Anyway, not so much. Hindsight is a funny thing because I don't think I'd marry a doctor OR lawyer if they lined up outside my house right now asking for my hand in marriage AND looked like Jeffery Donovan. I'd probably have sex with them and require some type of stipend for my awesome services but that's where that would end....) ;)
Anyway, I guess you might be wondering what my beef is with football if my husband doesn't watch it, right? Well, it's on TV that's why! It's jacking with my ability to watch quality TV, that's why! It also screws with my dvr timers that I have set up to record other quality TV programming.. that's why!
And for Christ's sake why in the hell does it take so long to play a stupid game? I swear that it's nothing but a tease! I'll turn the TV on to a game and then try to be thankful that they only have 5 minutes left before something worth a damn will come on, but what you may not know is that 5 minutes is actually an HOUR in football minutes. All the flags, time outs, commercials, play reviews, and random jacking off will cause you to grow old and actually die before the game finally ends.
Finally, my last gripe about the game is all of the showboating that they do when they score a touchdown. You know what I think? I think they are fucking morons with all of the little dancing manuvers that they do in the end zone. Alright Mr. NFL player, I'm talking to you now.. First of all, your ass is basically wearing tights (that's right... just like Peter freaking Pan) so you look like a fucking fairy doing your celebratory chicken dance jig. Secondly, the typical NFL salary is roughly 1.4 million dollars a year. Trust me, I did my research. So the fact that you are getting all overly excited about scoring a touchdown, which is essentially doing something you are being grossly overpaid to do is just insulting. Frankly, it makes me want to shove that football up your ass sideways. Don't worry.. I'll use some Icy Hot as lube.
So it's at this point that I would like to thank my husband for not being a completely football crazed jackass because if you were I would SO make you pay. I even asked Brent if he knew how rare it is to find a man that doesn't like sports. Thankfully he said he doesn't know because if he did we would have a whole other set of issues to deal with.
Rant over!
Humor-Blogs.com
9 comments:
Wow...cant believe how much your hubby and I have in common...
right up till the doctor or lawyer thing rears its head...then I get discarded into the dumbass pile.
That being said...
FUCK football.
You ROCK, sista...rant on.
Now then... you aren't a dumbass. I never said that. ;)
Anyway, what kind of lawyer are you? Never know when I may need your services. I'm not exactly a law abiding citizen 100% of the time. ;)
Great blog! Check out mine sometime ;-)
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ha..funny i'm reading this as my hubby is hogging the tv for the giants game. bored out of my mind. hate football sooo much. its one thing when its a day game, i can shop or something but this 7:00 thing is not working.
Melissa- You did say you bought the new Lancome mascara didn't you? That's really all you need. ;)
That football crazed jackass that you speak of...yeah that's my husband. Ugh.
Well not really cause I just whine until he changes the channel. And with 7 TVs in the house, Yes I could just go to another but it's annoying just to hear it from the other room.
I do enjoy football although the psychologist in me wonders what the attraction is with seeing a bunch of overgrown men knocking each other around over a pigskin.
We have a saying "My wife left me because I watched too much football. I'm really going to miss her". Above all else, a 60 minute game does take way too long these days. High school football is the purest form of the game unless you want to count the little ones.
No, not a lawyer...I meant I am not smart enough to be in those professions...you might guess that what I am good at is BS'ing.
That makes me a pharma rep.
Smart enough for one disease state, but that's it. Maybe two.
Brandy- I'm so sorry. I know you are looking forward to January, or whenever it is that marks the end of football season. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Chris- I actually enjoyed going to the high school football games. Of course I went drunk. That's probably why.
Jay- Sweet! You've got drugs.. That's even better. Whatcha got? You wouldn't happen to push Detrol LA would you? I have to get up way too many times at night to pee and it's quite annoying..
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