Just Another Day At The Orifice

Every once in a while my job in the ER allows for me to sit on my butt and chat with my fellow co-workers. I will say that it is somewhat rare as there are some 12 hour shifts where I barely have time to sit my ass on the toilet to urinate, but I digress.

So one night I was having a conversation with some of the peeps that I work with. I think we were talking about our patients and how we would rather kill ourselves before we ended up like any of them... even the ones that were relatively healthy but were incessant whiners. So I asked my cohorts if they were to "off themselves" how would they do it. Co-worker A. said that he would overdose himself with insulin. "Hmm, not too shabby.." I thought. Co-worker B. said that she would cut her jugular opting to then bleed out at a hopefully fast rate. Probably not my method of choice as I don't think I would have the gonads to cut myself.

"So, how would YOU do it?" My co-workers then asked me. Not even skipping a beat I said ..

"I would stick a banana in my tailpipe"

This is the part where you hear crickets and shit chirping in the background

Then I realized that they couldn't really read my mind so I knew at that point further explanation was going to be necessary. You see, I didn't want to kill myself by sticking fruit up my ass you silly people! What I really meant was that I would put my car in the garage, lower the garage door, stick the fruit up my CARS tailpipe and then inhale poisonous carbon monoxide exhaust until I fell asleep and then croaked.

I thought it was a fairly good way for me to off myself if I were going to do it. Apparently that was humorous to everyone else. You know what I find humorous even if it doesn't really relate to this post? The picture below. Apparently this guy enjoys sticking his banana up tailpipes. I also like the way he went above and beyond by romancing his vehicle with his snazzy choice of attire. . .

I suppose I could give this guy a call if I ever decided to go through with my plan and felt guilty about wasting perfectly good fruit.

I Get The Best Wife EVER Award!

I was fumbling through my extensive archive of old digital photos and almost peed myself when I came across a few in particular. Then I came to the conclusion rather quickly that I'm lucky to still be alive. You see, I'm somewhat of a practical jokester. Most of which are carried out on my unsuspecting husband. He is a great subject as he's not very vindictive like I would be if some of the following situations had been reversed. Case in point, the night I decided it would be fun to hide in the bathroom and smear shaving cream all over his face as he walked in. Hey, I thought it was a good idea. . .



He thought it was funny as well. At first anyway..



Um, now not so much.

I wish you all could see the full picture. The hilarity of it all is greatly increased when you can visualize that he's sitting there pissed off with shaving cream all over his head while sporting his underwear.

These pictures forced myself to think of other situations when I was less than kind. Fortunately for Brent only a few come to mind. Like the time the Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking on the door to ask me if I wanted to talk about my relationship with the Lord, for example. I lied and told them that I was about to leave, but if they wanted to come back around 6:30 that would be awesome. Perfect timing for me since I would actually be gone at that time and Brent would be home. If you knew Brent and how he LOVES to talk about his relationship with the LOR-DUH (said in my best TV Evangelist voice) then you would also see the hilarity in this as well. When I did get back home I was greeted at the door with this

"I hope your happy with yourself." He said smugly

"Why is that?" I asked

"Because you just made those aholes ride on their bikes all the way back across town to get here in 100 degree heat to have the door shut in their faces."

He apparently didn't find that nearly as funny as I did.

Then there was the time I wanted to make sure our dog's barking collar was fully functional prior to placing it on the dog. So I snuck up behind Brent and placed the prongs on the collar on his leg and fired away. Judging by the loud manly yelp and the cursing thereafter I figured it worked just fine. I thought that was just hysterical, but once again Brent failed to see the humor in that.

Brent also has the luxury of working from home. From time to time I apparently fail to understand that working from home means he actually has to "work" from home. I tend to get bored so I usually go in his office and try to entertain myself. You know, have pleasant conversation and what not. The problem is that I have competition from various men and women that he has on speaker phone in all of these "important" conference calls. He has learned very quickly that it's vital to use the mute button when he's not actively speaking in these important meetings and I happen to be anywhere within earshot of those in the meeting. There have been times in the not so distant past where I have enjoyed yelling out certain things when the mute button is off, somewhat like a person with Tourette's Syndrome would.

"Okay, you're out!" he says as though he's talking to one of our kids

"Hmf" I muttered as I walked out of the office

Oh, and the time I distracted Brent while I took the avocado out of his sushi roll and replaced it with a big green blob of wasabi was quite funny. He didn't realize what I was up to until it was too late and then spent the next 30 minutes coughing, sputtering and blowing his nose until he recovered.

I even asked Brent if he could think of any other funny little shenanigans that I've pulled over our almost 10 yr union. His response was..

"Probably a good thing I don't keep a running list like you apparently do or you would be finding your ass being kicked on a regular basis."

I now refer you back to the 2 pictures with shaving cream smeared all over his face and head that way you can see what a real bad ass he is.

Show Me The Money

Let me start this off by saying that I DO have a green thumb, okay? I can buy plants, place them gently in this earth and watch them flourish. In fact, my yard in Virginia was brimming with greenery and beautiful blooming flowers. I got yard of the month a few months in a row in fact. Yep, that's called talent. Actually the whole yard of the month thing didn't happen, but in my mind I had it in the bag!

So we move back to the great state of Texas and I spent some money improving the aesthetics of the front yard. Some gerber daisy's here. . some verbena over there.. some big random purple flowering thing by the front door, etc etc. . Perfect right? Well apparently I missed the memo that you actually have to water them for their survival. Brent noticed that as well.

"I like your plant jerky in the urn by the door" he says

It's hot here. Very hot. Stifling hot. It's also humid some days. It's conditions such as these that prevent me from going outside to see the light of day, so as you might imagine going outside to water flowers isn't high on my priority list. It's also conditions such as these that sap the very life out of my flowers turning them into "plant jerky".

So about a month or so ago I decide that it's time for round 2. I wanted to purchase a few potted plants to now add to the aesthetics of my back yard since that bright idea had worked so well for the front yard. After a few sarcastic comments from Brent we loaded up the family and off to Home Depot we went. I had no trouble finding exactly what I was looking for. I excitedly asked Brent for his input on the array of different pots that I would be putting my new plants in.

"Ooooh, how about this one? No wait!! How about THIS one right here?" I asked

"That'll work. Does it really matter what pot you get? A dead plant will look the same in all of them." he said with a smirk.

Ignoring him, I continued to load more flowers into the basket that he was pushing and suddenly I hear "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.." "What the hell are you doing?" I asked "Just preparing them (them being the flowers!) for what is surely to come." He said

At that point it was on. I felt challenged. The horticulturist inside me was reborn people! So I placed a little wager on my new green friends. The bet is that I could keep my flowers alive for 2 months, and if they are still alive an kickin' at the end of those 2 months I will be given $200 for my trouble. First I had to get his definition of alive just to make sure I had some wiggle room. A little yellow leaf here and there doesn't count in my mind. So after going back and forth on what ALIVE really meant, I then felt comfortable going through with the bet. You see, if my flowers don't make it then I have to pay Brent $200.

I never knew that I could be motivated by a little money. Actually, that's a lie. I find money to be a very motivating factor which is why I'm happy to say that I've watered my flowers daily since I purchased them. They even look pretty much like they did the day I bought them. Brent even pointed out that I was watering them too much because they weren't looking too healthy. Then I realized it was sabotage on his part. As if he knows anything about flowers! So on Sept 26th I should have my money. I pointed out the other day that my plants are loooookin pretty good and that he should prepare to lose the bet. He responded nonchalantly with "There's still time."

I noticed he even has the date marked on his calendar. Check dead plants in back yard

I will prevail!!

More on this in about a month. . .

My "Baby" Goes To Kindergarten

He now gets to fly out of the nest 5 days a week, hop on a yellow school bus (his favorite part thus far) and enjoy a full day of Kindergarten. I imagine all of the cool things he will learn. I also cringe at the family stories he will most likely loudly confess to his teacher and his fellow classmates. 5 year olds really have no filter...

As you can see in the above picture, I really think he will enjoy his seating arrangement.
"Cute girl in front of me.. check! Cute girl immediately to my right check!"

"Cute girl's really really cute MOM!! Check, check, check, check, check!"

"Wow, I have a feeling that this is going to be a really awesome year"

I will say that even the Kindergarten teachers have come a long way since I went to kindergarten. If you scroll back up to the first and second picture and click on it, you will notice Aidan's teacher Mrs. Funk. (Yes, that's her real name) She is the one dressed in pink with her head chopped off in both photos. If her head weren't chopped off, you would be able to see that she's a fairly attractive woman. I don't remember any of my teachers being that attractive. All I recall is overly teased old lady hair, hairy chins and boobs that hung at approximately waist level.

At any rate, I think Aidan will be hot for teacher.

Best Invention Ever

I would love to shake the hand of the person who invented this little gem. How did I ever watch TV prior to Tivo/DVR coming on the market? Angrily, that's how. Not because of the commercials though. I can handle all of the penis enhancement advertisements any channel can throw at me.

Have you ever tried watching TV with someone and they always had to throw in random commentary during important parts of the program? I'm married to one of those people. He's worse than a damn sports commentator some days. Always jibber jabbering (I pity da fool) during the most intricate parts of the plot, screwing up my story line. . . I mean, if you miss one single conversation on Survivor or Big Brother then you are just lost.

*SIGH* "What did she just say?"

"Hell if I know."

"My point exactly. Please shut up!"

Prior to the DVR I would miss those important conversations while Brent was incessantly pointing out fake breasts, horse teeth, lack of acting ability, etc. Now I can at least rewind to the part of the program that I missed. Actually, I use the pause button quite frequently. All it takes is a glare and a touch of the pause button to get my point across.

"If you have anything you want to say, you have approximately 8.23 seconds to say it because that's how long it will take me to fast forward through these commercials."

However, I do take full advantage of any opportunity to get him back when he's watching shows that I don't particularly care for such as Psych, Monk and Debbie Does Dallas. I turn my "offensive music" up as loudly as I possibly can. Some days I stand directly in front of the TV and do a little jig to said offensive music. You know.. shake the ol money maker as it were. My dancing skills are quite impressive, let me tell you. It gets a good laugh from the kids. Sometimes they even join in on the fun. Brent loves it as well. His reaction? Pause button activated..

"Are you done yet?"

"Not.. even.. close.. bud" I answer back :)

Goin Solo

After my lip hanging, excitement containing, bra wearing shopping trip with the kids the other day, I decided that I was going to do the shoe shopping portion of the trip alone.

How do you shop for shoes for your kids without them along for the ride you ask? You do what any mother that is desperate to shop solo would do of course. You outline their feet on a piece of paper so that you can line the shoe up with the outline of their foot to see if they will fit! Simple!

The best part is that the paper doesn't ask for Lego's or candy. The paper doesn't have to ask to go to the bathroom 5 minutes after we enter the store even though I TOLD the paper to use the bathroom prior to our departure. The paper doesn't hit his brother and consequently, the paper doesn't whine "SEE! I told you she doesn't love me anymore!" I don't have to then spend time consoling the paper and telling the paper "Of course she loves you. She just thinks you're being annoying right now. Give her some space for a few minutes." The paper is quiet and folds up neatly in my purse.

I thought it was a decent enough idea, so I enter the shoe aisle and search for the perfect pair of shoes that my daughter will probably only wear once, if that. I take in my surroundings and thank my lucky stars that my kids aren't with me running around like their butts are on fire like the children of the lady standing next to me. I whip out my children's foot prints from my purse and place the shoe against what would be Taylor's foot and to my delight I was able to find 5 pair that fit perfectly! That would have never happened if she were shopping with me.

"They're too tight!"
"They're too big!"
"They feel funny"
"What about those flip flops?"

Unfortunately I was unable to find any shoes for Aidan since his foot is about the width of a tennis racket.

I'll keep my paper for another day. . .

Rehab

I figure if I say this out loud then I will have to be held accountable. Now then. Ahem... Hi, my name is Candice and I'm an addict. I've got this little problem with ice cream, specifically Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. Even though the picture is somewhat misleading as I do eat the light version! I know I know, an addict will always try to justify their actions, but that's not what I'm doing.

To be honest this isn't my fault. It's Brent's fault. I'm fairly certain he's the one that first introduced me to this stuff. With all of its chocolaty and marshmallowey goodness.. Oooey gooey caramel, and those scrumptious little chocolate fish! I don't even like marshmallow cream or caramel alone, but in this combination? Well, it's pure fabulosity.

However, my habit is growing out of control. Instead of only eating MY ice cream I've also been eating the kids' ice cream some nights after they go to bed. Let me clarify that I don't do this all of the time, but it's been known to happen. Just recently Taylor put a post it note on her ice cream to deter me from touching it. I'm afraid I'm going to turn her into a binge eater. "Hey Aidan, you better eat it all now because it's probably not going to be there in the morning" I overheard her telling her brother. Then I began to feel horribly guilty. Not because I was stealing my kids ice cream mind you, but rather because I knew that at the rate I was going my ass would triple in size by the end of September. I mean, that will really make you dig deep and think about the decisions you make. The new fall fashions are coming out and I really don't want to buy new jeans installed with a beeping noise for those times I have to back that thing up.

This all started as a youngster. My Mom kept the house stockpiled with ice cream. Even to this day she's got at least 2 gallons in the freezer at the ready. My dad likes to recall "the ice cream story" roughly every time I see him. Long story short, I single-handedly ate a gallon of ice cream as a child in about 2 days.. Okay, it was in one day. He was singing the ice cream you scream we all scream for ice cream song as he made his way to the freezer "Hey Candice, want some ice cream, gal?" "Uh, nooooo thanks...." I heard rustling around in the freezer. "Hey Candice, what did you do with the ice cream?" approximately 30 seconds later.. "Hey girl! Did you eat all that damn ice cream?!?" I peeked around the corner "Oh, that ice cream? Sure did" :) "Well I'll be damned!" Oh yes, still haven't lived that one down after all of these years.

I don't keep ice cream around the house like my mom does. For good reason as my ass wouldn't fit through the door. I'd be the lady that the fire department had to come and break down an entire wall to remove me from my house with an industrial sized crane. So what I'm vowing today is that I will not eat anymore ice cream for at least 2 months. What I really need to do is go on Phase 1 of the South Beach diet. That usually gets rid of those evil cravings. So that's my plan. There will be a no ice cream in the house rule for at least 2 months. *sigh* I can feel the calcium leeching from my bones and teeth as I type this.. :( Not even a sugar free fudge pop. It all starts with a damn fudge pop and goes down the shitter from there folks, trust me. So if the kids want ice cream I will have to take them to Cold Stone and watch them eat their treat as I drool like a dog.

Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy!

Never a dull moment with my children. That's what I always say. Even a little back to school shopping can turn highly embarrassing if they are left to their own devices. Let's back up and talk about my horrible procrastination habits and why in the world I chose the day before school to take my kids shopping. I don't LOVE to shop. I like to shop, but I don't LOOOOVE to shop. I specifically don't love to shop with my 2 kids along for the ride. I've got one hanging her lip because she had to go on said shopping excursion and the other one is bouncing around the store as if he just finished tossing back a highly caffeinated Rock Star beverage.

Meanwhile all I want to do is toss clothes in a basket and keep on moving. Always one to stay on task, I've got to keep the crew on the move. "Focus children! Look, do you want to make it home in time to eat dinner or what?" " I know you hate shopping Taylor, the sooner we try this hoochie mama outfit on the sooner we get to go home. Comprede?" Aidan had no trouble trying things on. Imagine my horror when I was going through a rack of clothes and I hear laughter from various strangers in the background. I turn around to this...



I had to use the full name on this one. "Aidan Michael! Take that bra off right now!"

Taylor was throwing her own verbal insults at her cross dressing brother "Aaa-dan-uhhh!! My Gosh you are so weird!"

Meanwhile he showed that he really gave a shit what we thought by quoting Barnacle Boy from SpongeBob Squarepants "I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!"

Luckily before I died of embarrassment I was able to snap this photo because I will have it as proof for A.) when he comes out the closet OR B.) when he becomes engaged. Either way, it will come in handy for sure.

Twas The Night Before The First Day Of School

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, well, I take that back. . . My two lovely children who were supposed to be asleep because they had to get up at the butt crack of dawn to catch the bus, but were wide awake coming up with new fashion designs thanks to Taylor were. Check out what you are sure to see on the fall racks for 2008.


Taylor has reinvented the use of the common everyday shirt and turned it upside down so that her legs are actually going through the arm holes. Enjoy it while you can still fit your legs through the arm holes girl! Aidan, on the other hand has put his butt through the neck hole making the perfect man skirt. I'm sure I will also wonder why he's rocking the 80's Flash Dance off the shoulder look in a few weeks when he wears it again. I'll refer back to this blog...

Here is a close up of what is sure to be the next big thing.. Especially if you like the "I just took a shit in my shirt shorts look"

This versatile attire even allows for a quick round of gymnastics!

You can also move with ease. This picture of Taylor kicking Aidan in his butt proves that.

We can't leave out the ho down dance. Rednecks, you too can sport this look!

August 24, 2008 My Mother Joined The 21st Century

Hey, guess what? My mom now knows how to text? Cool right? Wrong! At first she didn't get that she only needed to text my cell phone. My land line got some texting action too. I had no idea that you could even text land lines, but apparently you can. One day I answered my phone and I was notified by what sounded like a constipated female robot that "I have a text mess-age fr-om Haz-el Son-ni-er" Great... My first thought was wow, you can actually send texts to land lines?? interesting. Second thought was no telling how much this little f up is going to cost me. Lastly, I hoped this wasn't going to be some kind of emergency. Priorities clearly set straight...

Oh, but emergency it was. In fact had I not known that Hobby Lobby was running a 50% off sale on all home decor I would have probably killed myself. So I texted my mom back to remind her to only text my CELL PHONE. Now she gets it. In fact, she gets it all too well. I get texts and pictures from her at all hours of the day. She knows I work nights and even on my nights off I stay up late, so why she feels the need to text me at 7am to tell me mundane things is beyond me. She wakes me up all of the time and I feel as though I'm regressing back to childhood. You know, back when she HAD to wake me up for school. Only problem is I'm not going to school and I still want to be asleep. I still even get enraged like back in the good ol days. I find myself wanting to rip the hairs right off her... Wait, what I actually want to do is take my phone and shove it... No no.. I really just visualize taking my pillow and gently placing it over her..

So anyway, I've let her in on some texting rules and regulations as far as I'm concerned. Don't text me before, oh let's say, noonish. That's actually the most important one. So far so good.

I love my mom! :)

August 23, 2008 Why Does My Bathroom Smell Like A Nursing Home?!?!

The subject line is the exact words I yelled to my kids as I walked into my bathroom. "What's a nursing home?" They asked "It's a place you go to live when you're old and it stinks like Pee! Pretty much exactly like my bathroom does right now! Only problem is that I'm not old and I don't pee on the floor, so why does MY bathroom smell like pee?" I exclaimed.

One child came directly to mind as I went to examine the damage... Aidan. Why does every blog dealing with urine have his name directly involved? You may remember he peed in my bottle of conditioner not too long ago. I really am beginning to wonder about that kid. . .

I walk into the area where the "throne" is and notice exactly why it smells of piss in my bathroom. Primarily because my son pissed everywhere OTHER than where you typically expect urine to go, mind you. I don't know if he had to pee so bad that he had some geyser moment where he sprayed everywhere uncontrollably or what. There was pee on the toilet seat that he neglected to lift up AGAIN. Pee underneath the seat. Pee on the floor and pee on the baseboard by the toilet.

I also forgot to tell you that I had just cleaned my bathroom 15 minutes prior. It was all sparkly and clean and smelled fanfreakingtastic. I also failed to mention that he's done this once before in the hallway bathroom.

His excuse you ask? "It" got stuck. He's only 5. Is the typical male hung like a horse mentality already setting in? What does a 5 yr old penis get "stuck" on exactly? Anyway, that was all of the explanation I got. Well, he got a tad bit more of a response from me, but I will not mention that as to avoid the meeting with CPS (KIDDING) So we had a how to pee in the toilet correctly 101 class all over again.

1. TURN ON THE LIGHT! This isn't the early 1800's. We've got electricity so use it! Aiming is an important key to getting the stream in the big bowl there.

2. Strip down for Christ's sake. Do whatever you can so that "it" doesn't get stuck anymore, because if you pee all over my bathroom again you may not be working with much anymore so spraying won't be an issue. Then you will be sitting to use the bathroom, much like a girl does. "Sweet!" Not the desired response..

3. Lift the toilet seat if you know what's good for ya!

4. Use your hand to aim. Don't just thrust your hips forward like you're too cool to wield your sword.

5. Finish urinating COMPLETELY before getting yourself dressed again.

6. Flush and then wash hands!

7. Assume that if you pee on the floor and the toilet and the wall that I will notice. I'm no canine, but I do have a decent sense of smell, so it would behoove you to let me know when you hose my bathroom down like a darn sprinkler!

Boys are gross!

August 22, 2008 My Witty Daughter

My lovely daughter is doomed to be a sarcastic individual since she is unfortunately being raised by two sarcastic adults. It's only logical right? She comes out with all sorts of comical things, mostly all having to do with her "annoying brother". Here is a snippet of what she said yesterday during her dr's office visit.

Taylor- "What's that brown thing"? (pointing to a blood clot on one of those cool stroke information posters hanging on the back of the door)

Me- "It's a blood clot that's blocking the vital blood flow and oxygen that the brain needs blah blah blah"...

Taylor- Tilts her head sideways as in deep thought. "So it makes you dumb?"

Me- "Uh. I guess you could say that. Among other things." trying not to laugh...

Taylor- "Well, I guess we know what Aidan's problem is then!"

Aidan- "What problem?!?"

Me and Taylor- laughter ensues

June 1, 2008 Another Kid Blog. This Time Starring Aidan

So if you have kids you may be able to relate to me when I say that there are times every now and again in which my kids will do something to make me want to shove them back into my uterus. Given their current size, I'd imagine it would hurt like a mo fo, but sometimes all logic gets thrown out the window. I also want to state that I knowingly put this blog under the category of "pets and animals" and after you are done reading this you will know why.

Ah, my little boy precious in every way. So cute with his blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and adorable dimples. He's also very charming and just loveable in general. I don't go a day where I don't laugh at something he says or does. Well, yesterday I was quite annoyed, but later even found his grotesque act quite funny. Have you ever wondered what in the hell goes through their little minds before they do some of the things they do? Sometimes I'm not even sure if anything goes through their minds. I think they have moments or even days, perhaps, when the inside of their head is like some empty barren wasteland. It's almost as though hey are devoid of any type of logic or thought process whatsoever. This must be what happened to Aidan at some point yesterday.

Let's rewind to the moment when I knew that something wasn't quite right. I was in the shower (enter mind in gutter here) enjoying a nice hot shower that could probably poach a egg but that's neither here nor there. I go to wash my hair with my coveted shampoo and conditioner that EVERYONE in the family knows to stay away from because it's mine! It's also $45 bucks a bottle.. Anway, that goes well. You know, typical lather, rinse, repeat bs. Get to my favorite part which would be the conditioner. Apply a huge blob and immediately notice that the fragrance left something to be desired. You see, one handfull of nasty ass conditioner wasn't enough, so I got more just to see if my olfactory senses were really intact. I take a big whiff. Um yeah, why in the hell does my conditioner smell like piss?!?! I pick the bottle up and squeeze it repeatedly by my nose just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. Surely not! WTF?!?! Oh My God... Somebody pissed into my bottle of conditioner! No people, this isn't the story of three bears. I know the act seems awfully animalistic and to be quite honest, I was in denial. Surely no kid of mine would do this! I open the lid and notice that my white conditioner or at least what USED to be my white conditioner has a somewhat yellow tinge and the consistency was no longer the same. Denial over.

Okay, so who done it? Taylor doesn't have the equipment to piss into a bottle that size. I know I know,you may remember in the previous blog she and her friend were threatening to kick each other in the nuts, but trust me when I say that she couldn't have done it.. Brent, well I could scratch him off the list right away. he doesn't have the equipment either. haha.. bad joke. So the culprit had to be my sweet boy. He's never done anything like this before. As a matter of fact, it seems as the older he gets the more dumb his actions become. Pissing in MY bottle of conditioner as a 5 year old for example. I couldn't wait for morning so I could confront him.

So I wake up this morning and before I jump to conclusions I ask Brent to come in the bathroom and asked him to smell my conditioner. Let me just point out that he isn't sick, he doesn't have a cold, stuffy nose or any other condition that would mess up his sense of smell to the point that he wouldn't be able to wiff my rancid piss conditioner. I take the lid off, put it under his nose and tell him to inhale. What do I get? "What? It smells like conditioner to me." Jeee-sus... You have got to be kidding right? I rewashed my hair 5 times after I used this last night! "You mean to tell me that you don't smell the PISS IN MY CONDITIONER!?!?" Hello! Some validation would be nice.

So we both yell in unison for Aidan to come into the bathroom. I tell him up front to be very careful how he answers this question because if he lies to me, then it's on. Okay now, Aidan, did you pee in Mommy's coveted bottle of conditioner? He looks at me with no hesitation and answers "Yes". At this point I have to hold back because I don't want to teach the kid any new and interesting words that will be forever a part of his vocabulary, especially prior to going to Kindergarten.. I asked him why he decided to urinate in MY conditioner bottle and he stated that he did it because he was mad at his dad. Nice. Good to know he can follow your typical male standards at his young age by not making a bit of damn sense at all. Way to go buddy! Live up to that expectation..

Maybe the joke is on me. My son could be the next great inventor or entra-Pee-neur. Maybe 5 year old boy pee is the secret ingredient to having those beautiful and flowing locks that I crave. I'll see you bitches on QVC once I figure out how to market my new conditioner. First I have to fix the whole fragrance issue!

Stay tuned!

May 9, 2008 Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

If you have kids you already know that they can say some interesting things. There have been many times when I had to leave the room so that my kids couldn't see me laughing at the goofy stuff they come up with. Case in point, Aidan wakes up crying one night and it was very difficult to get him to go back to sleep. The next morning I inquired as to why he was so sad the night before. Turns out he had a dream about David Hasselhoff and "He had red eyes and he was trying to kill my stuffed animals!" First of all, where in the hell did he come up with David Hasselhoff for Christ's sake? Seriously? Secondly, I wanted to point out that the Hoff is a complete douche and he's certainly nothing to be afraid of even with red eyes. I also had to refrain from telling him that his STUFFED animals weren't really alive in the first place. ;)

Now Taylor is my child through and through, so she can come up with some funny, odd and sometimes bizarre shit. The latest was during a playdate at our house no less. Brent comes up to me and proceeds to ask me if I want to know what "MY daughter" and her friend are out in the front yard yelling during their light saber fight. Oh great.... this is going to be good, I think to myself. Sure, hit me with it. What is she saying? Uh, well, she was yelling this so I'm pretty sure she said IM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!

Hmm, my first thought was great, my neighbors are going to think my daughter and her friend are transsexuals. My second thought was that I must've done a pretty piss poor job in our anatomy lesson a few years back. So after the playdate was over I had a chat with Taylor and asked her what it was she was yelling out in the front yard. Naturally, it wasn't she who was yelling that she was going to kick her friend in the nuts, rather it was her friend saying that she was going to kick Taylor in her nuts. Suuuuure. I've never been 8 before and I'm a complete drooling retard so I fell for that one completely.

Turns out she didn't know what "nuts" meant so once I clued her in that they were in fact testicles, a part that she doesn't really have because she has a vagina and Oh, by the way, it still isn't acceptable to go out in the front yard and yell that she was going to kick her friend in the va-jay-jay either... we were cool after that. Turns out Nathan, a boy in her class does alot of nut kicking in his spare time or at least verbalizes his desire to kick people at school in the nuts.

As I left the house yesterday to go and run some errands Taylor asked me where I was going and what I was going to get. I told her that Costco was running a sell on testicles and that I was going to get her a pair because if I ever heard her yelling that or anything similar in the front yard again then I would kick her in hers.

Yes, I contributed a significant amount of money in her therapy account for later. I'm sure it will come into good use some day.

April 22, 2008 It's A Banner Day For Men Everywhere

What's that sound you hear? That, my friends, is the sound of Jergens and Kleenex flying off the shelves of the grocery store at a high rate of speed. Men everywhere are rejoicing now that they have an official reason to wax on and wax off on a regular basis. They are saving their own lives by doing so. Apparently regular masturbation (if you happen to have a prostate) can reduce your risk of prostate cancer. Read for yourself http://www.thesop.org/index.php?id=10849

Why is it that we never get good news like this as women? How sweet would an article like this be? "Scientists have discovered that regular masturbation in women leads to a substantially LARGER bank account?" or "Regular masturbation in women can burn fat and increase lean muscle mass more effectively than regular exercise alone." Is that really too much to ask?

Men have all the luck. . . Anyway boys, sharpen that pencil of yours with reckless abandon and try not to reduce your member to a mere nub in the process. Know at the same time that you are doing it for a good cause this time. Lucky bastards...

December 6, 2007 Some Things You Should Know Prior To Coming To The ER

I've only been an ER nurse for 6 months but I feel I'm justified in posting this. So read carefully and get your education on. . .

1. When I ask you what brings you in today, I don't really need the run down of every ache and pain you've had since you were born. Your really bad case of the crabs in 2003 has jack nor shit to do with your abdominal pain today. Get to the point because I've likely got 5 other patients that need to be coddled, er, tended to in addition to your long winded ass.

2. If you've got penile discharge and painful urination, don't even bother hitting on me. Fact of the matter is that you had a 0000.00000000000001 % chance of your pathetic come on to actually work in the first place. I am a married woman after all. Now that I know you will dart anything with a vagina means that your chance went down to zero, zip, zilch!

3. I'll make this short and sweet. TIC TAC. All patients should be given them as they walk through the ER door. I'm going to try and lobby that to be a new law. I get to smell all kinds of lovely odors as a nurse, I shouldn't be exposed to breath that could make a grown man cry. It's just not right.

4. To all of you parents out there without a clue, get some Tylenol and Motrin for your kids and give that shit to them if they run a temp. You don't necessarily need to come to the ER for a low grade temp and then look astonished when I ask you if you medicated them prior to your arrival. Not EVERYTHING needs to be seen in the ER.

5. I've seen this alot lately. . . Ladies, I don't care what culture you call your own, but in America we like to use this neat little thing called a Gillette razor. It will cut through that impenetrable thick mane that is growing on your legs and your feet. Besides, the Big Foot look is so 1970's. While you are at the store purchasing your new Gillette, get some deodorant as well. :)

6. If you come in with a hang nail and then get pissed when you aren't seen immediately you are a freaking dumb ass. In the ER we tend to serve the folks that are bleeding out, can't breathe or are in the process of dying FIRST. Get over yourself!

7. I'm a pretty open minded person. I realize that people are into different things. If you like to shove random things up your ass, that's your perogative. However, I think you would be better suited to go to a "toy" store and buy something made of a soft flexible material such as plastic or rubber that is intended for ass usage. I clearly don't have any personal experience in this. I'm merely aware that these things exist. Anyway, I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but your wife's big cylindrical GLASS bottle of perfume probably wasn't the wisest choice to "relieve your impaction" Yeeeeeeeah..... By the way, I'm blonde but I'm not stupid.

8. You people with chronic pain that come into the ER 5 times a week should really learn to pronounce dilaudid. It's not that difficult.

That's all for now. I'm sure I will get more material for future postings.

November 3, 2007 Everyone Has A Downside To Their Job

Here is just one of mine...

So most, if not all, of you know that I'm a nurse that just so happens to work in the ER. Yes it's busy, chaotic, interesting, fun, gross, intimidating, etc etc. Most days I really enjoy what I do. However, there are those days at the end of my 12 hour shift that I want to run through the door and go and find the nearest cozy plastic surgeon's office to work in. My main motivation would be the fact that I could sit on my ass and eventually get discounts on a few procedures in the future.

You know there are those specific moments in your job where you think to yourself "Self... this job fucking sucks. What in the hell were you thinking when you signed on for this?" I had one of those moments recently and here is a not so brief synopsis about it. If you are eating or drinking and you happen to have a vivid imagination, I would stop at this point..

So I come on my shift and take over my patients. A lovely group of people as usual. You can always count that at least ONE of them will try and monopolize all of your time with mundane tasks as if you have nothing else to do with your time but service all of their requests. This one lady in particular that I will call Bertha as to protect her identity (ha) was the ONE in question. Can you get me more blankets? Sure, you have 3 already but I will get you more. Oh, and can I get another pillow? Absofukinglutely. Keeping in mind that finding a pillow in the ER is like finding the perfect man. RARE!Can I get some water? Yes Ma'am. Will this bottled water work? Can I get a straw? GRRRRRRRRRR Oh Candice, I need to go to the bathroom.... It was at this point that I knew I was screwed. One particular detail that I've failed to mention is that this woman.. Oh, Bertha it was, is about 500 lbs if not more. She said she was 375lbs but she clearly hadn't stepped on the scale lately. Perhaps she was 375lbs at conception. Bertha also was unable to walk and lord knows we don't carry titanium reinforced bedpans in the ER, so I knew I was going to have to place a Foley catheter. For all my friends that aren't medically inclined, a Foley catheter is basically a long tube that is inserted into the bladder through the urethra for continuous emptying of the bladder. Now, don't you feel all edjumacated?

Now picture a 500lb woman and the area I was going to have to literally divide and conquer to get a Foley placed and you may have some idea where I'm going with this. I knew this was not a one person job so I gather all of my supplies and ask another nurse to help "hold". I explain what was about to go down (pardon the pun) and ask the patient to place her legs in such a position so that I could get to the "goods" as it were.. Now I don't plan on going into all of the gross details, but let me say that once you get above a certain size, it's apparently incredibly hard to get certain areas clean. In other words, Bertha wasn't feeling fresh down there, and I was getting nauseous. I had visions of getting a non-rebreather and attaching it to my face so that I could carry out this task without passing out. Anyway, after trying to insert the damn Foley unsuccessfully it was apparent that we needed yet another nurse to help "hold". Who knew that it could take one individual to hold a labia back?

Anyway, so we sucker another nurse into the room and suddenly Bertha warns us that she needs to pass gas. Well I'll be damned! I'm thinking that it's already gamey enough in the room and now she's about to blow ass! So I run towards the door like she's about to launch a missile from her butt. BACK BLAST AREA ALL CLEAR!! Then she warns us that she's finished. What?!? but I didn't feel a vibration and certainly didn't hear any noise. Surely she was mistaken... Not 20 seconds later I began to notice the paint peeling from the walls. Let me tell you something folks, there are chemists out there that are busy whipping up weapons of mass destruction, but I've got the ass that will cause plenty of damage! Well, Bertha has the ass, but you get my point. It was rank. There really isn't much else to say about that. The other nurses and myself were trying to keep our faces straight so as to not express our disdain of the foul air we were breathing into our precious lungs. They say smoking is bad for you, but I really wonder if inhaling noxious ass fumes could have the same implication? Is there a warning label that the Surgeon General can tattoo to some peoples' asses to warn poor unsuspecting nurses? Come on, help a girl out!

At this point it was getting kind of funny. I get that way when the stress level reaches a certain point. If I don't laugh then I will cry. And really what's not funny about having to place a Foley in a 500lb woman that hasn't bathed in God knows how long, who suddenly decides she has to fart? I forgot to mention that at this point I'm starting to "glisten" because it's hot as hell in the room and frankly, I've had milder 1 hour sweat sessions at the gym...

Finally mission impossible was achieved and Foley number 2 is in place. We were all free to leave the room and get some o2 that wasn't polluted by various secretions and excretions.
Luckily every day is a new day and in the ER you never have the same patient for long. At least not usually.. If I'm thankful for one thing, it's that!

June 21, 2007 Urgent.. I'm Trying To Save A Life ... Or A Reproductive Organ here!

I would feel horrible if any of my girl friends fell ill and I didn't forewarn. Heck, I guess I shouldn't leave my guy friends out as I know you are a bunch of damn freaks anyway!
Read the following article. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19333870/

They say that we can't eat red meat or veggies that aren't organic or smoke and drink without the fear of getting cancer. Hell, at this point we are bored as shit, so all we wanna do in our abundant spare time is have a little fun with our plastic friends. NOW they say that's going to kill us too!! What in the hell is this world coming to?

Actually, I'm not all that worried , but I do know that some of my friends have close and personal relationships with their 'toys'. In fact, a couple of them are probably just a giant walking phthalate.

So back slowly away from the nighstand drawer with your hands in the air.

April 6, 2007 Update On The Blog Below

So the Texas trip was one crazy blur. We found our house literally at the last minute. We went to put an offer on one house only to find that it was yanked out from under us. Sotherby can kiss my white ass!

Anyway, I think it was for the best because the house we ultimately found is great and I think my kids will have a ton of compadres in the neighborhood to play with.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I was all stressed about the job interviews for no reason at all apparently. I got both job offers, but I decided that I wanted to go with the ER internship, so that's where I will be working. Should be crazy and fun, I hope!
Wish me luck!!!

PS... I don't know how long I will survive once we do move to Texas. I think Brent will kill me within the first 2 weeks for sure. During our trip (sans kids mind you) I woke up at 5am EVERY FREAKING DAY!!! Keep in mind that it is 6am my time in Va and that's typically when I get up in the am. Isn't that the way it goes? I could have slept in until at least 8 or 9, but NOOOOO.

March 28, 2007 Stress? What's that??

A pain in my ass! Tomorrow I'm flying to Texas to interview for 2 jobs. The interview process is totally stressing me out! What if they ask me some crazy behavioral type questions and I freeze?

I'm really not all that good at yanking things out my butt, contrary to what some of you might believe! ;)

After the interviews, I will spend the rest of the weekend trying to find a new house. You know, this type of thing can easily be done in a single weekend, right?

My best bud is coming to stay with Aidan and Taylor, so at least I know they will be in good hands. (LOVE YOU NAKIA!!!)

Then on the flight back I get to study for a test that I have the very next day.

ONLY 27 MORE DAYS UNTIL I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!! I will survive!

December 28, 2006 Some Of My Resolutions For The New Year

I make resolutions every year, however I'm not sure why. I don't think I've ever kept one for the entire year. Frankly I think it's impossible to do anything drastic for that length of time, but I like to set myself up for failure so I do it anyway. At any rate, I've got a few that I'm going to TRY to adhere to this year, so we shall see how it all works out. Here they are in no particular order.

1. I'm going to try to give it up more often. My husband will appreciate that, I think.

2. Since I'm going to be giving it up more often, I fully intend on doing more shopping. Once I saw a Dr. Phil episode where this woman got her husband to pay her according to what "favors" she did in bed. At first I thought it was disgusting, then I thought that she was one smart bitch. Ain't nothing free baby!

3. I'm going to try to curse less in the new year because I realize that it's not very becoming.... Nah... fuck that.

4. I'm giving up chocolate for good! I'm not a crack whore or a meth whore. I'm a chocolate whore. Not so much candy bars, but I looves me some frozen chocolate brownie yogurt. Oh, and I like Jr. Mints too! As a matter of fact I'm jonesin for some right now. This one is going to be a toughie, but I will do it! Actually, I think I need to add anything gummy to this list as well. Gummy worms, gummy bears, gummy life savers, gummy.. well, you get the picture.

5. I resolve to be a more positive person in the new year. It's been pointed out to me that I'm not a very optimistic individual at times. I like to think of myself as a realist, but unfortunately this tends to come off as negativity. I happen to believe that this prepares me to not be let down when someone fucks something up that shouldn't have been fucked up. The best part is that I can then walk around and tell you I told you so while simultaneously giving you a block of instruction on how far you can shove that glass half full up your ass.

6. While I'm at it, I think I need to not have this burning desire to always be right in 2007.

7. I'm going to be a better role model in front of my kids while driving in the car. Road rage is ugly people... Very ugly! ha!

8. I'm rethinking number 1 already. . . Do I really like Nordstrom that much? Hmmm

9. I've been a lazy slacker over the past month with the whole working out thing. I need to get back to two-a-days. I WILL keep that goal!

10. Last but not least, I vow to fully appreciate everything that I've got in my life. I'm blessed. :)

November 15, 2006 I Walked Away Unscathed!

I was feeling pretty adventurous yesterday, so I made a trip to Wal-Mart. I freaking hate Wal-Mart. In fact, there isn't a time I go that I don't ask myself why in the hell did I come to this shit hole. Regardless, I always go back for more. I'm a masochist like that, I suppose.

This time I decided to go fairly early in the morning after my trip to the gym. It's less of a cluster fuck that way. When I say less of a cluster fuck, I mean there are fewer 500 lb people clogging up the food aisles in their hover-round type devices. I mean no disrespect to the people who are actually handicapped that have to use those types of devices as means of transportation. It's the lazy people who take those things around the store for a ride, because God forbid they actually walk and burn a few calories in the process of shopping for their HoHo's and cheesy poofs.

Anyway, the problem you then run into at this time of the day, is that there is only 3 registers open in the whole damn store. So I put my things in the cart. I forgot to mention that 75% of the things in the cart are items that I really don't need, but I buy them anyway because it's just this thing I do when I go to Wal-Mart. Then I choose between 3 open registers by my eenie meenie miney moe method. What! It's tried and true I tell ya! So I wait in line as I read Glamour magazine. Sandra Bullock has a really cute new haircut btw.. Finally, I get up to the register and realize that I'm about to get mobbed by the 80 senior citizens that are lined up behind me. They are seriously giving me the eye. "What the hell are you old douche bags glaring at!" is pretty much what I was thinking to myself, and then I realized that I was at the 10 items or less aisle. GASP!!!

Holy shit! I didn't have a cart so full of stuff that I had to look around the sides to navigate, but it was well over 10 items, and most likely well over 20. I really hate it when people do what I did, so I did profusely apologize for being a jack ass and then I watched over my shoulder as I was leaving because I just knew some old lady was going to beat me with her cane or strangle me with her panty hose.

Needless to say I made it home safe and sound. I still freaking hate Wal-Mart though!

October 18, 2006 To My Nursing Friends

The New Call Light System

Coming soon to a hospital near you. WE WISH!!

A selective call bell system..for example, when the call bell rings, they have an automated choice....

Enter 1 if you are calling to say you have to shit AGAIN.

Enter 2 if you are calling to say you have already shit (this a totallydifferent problem).

Enter 3 if you are a drug seeking asshole and are requesting morphine.

Enter 4 if your crazy family is here and they want to speak with me.

Enter 5 if you feel like complaining and think I give a shit.

Enter 6 if you dropped your tissue box again and think I am coming inanytime soon to pick it up.

Enter 7 if you think I am a fucking waitress and will get you the meal youactually ordered.

Enter 8 if your IV is beeping again because you just can't seem to remember to keep your friggin arm straight no matter how many times we tell you.

Enter 9 if you think Nurses walk on water, you haven't called since you have come in, you hate to bother me, your family is normal, you ARE having crushing chest pain and think you are going to die....I'll be right there.

Do not hit 9 when you meant to hit 2. You will wish you did die!

Maybe if we pass this around to all of our nurse friends somebody willeventually invent it!! I'm giving it a shot!

October 15, 2006 Are You A Psycho Bitch From Hell?

If you have ever been considered an "ex", then most likely you are.

Over the years I've heard this term over and over again. My husband has a psycho bitch from hell. Almost all of my male friends have a few psycho bitches from hell. Why is that? Are all women that they used to go out with by default psycho, or are the men delusional and clueless to the point that they can't see the one common denominator in the equation... THEMSELVES!? Trust me, I know that there are some fucked up women in this world, and sometimes they do go a bit overboard in relationships to the point that they are deserving of the PBFH title. I just wish that more guys could realize that perhaps their ignorant asses were the main contributing factor that led their significant other to go "psycho" on them. I've pointed that out over the years and have only ever gotten a weird look that led me to believe that the guy across from me was severely constipated or retarded... Perhaps even both. It was as though that thought had never crossed his mind. Probably because it hadn't.

I guess this touches a nerve because this obviously means that I, myself am a psycho bitch from hell by default since I have an ex or two. Frankly I thought I was a damn good girlfriend in my relationships. Sure, I may have had my bitchy moments, but that was only because I was provoked into becoming a bitch, therefore it was warranted. Then again, there was that one guy who is now unfortunately missing his left testicle and is sporting a glass eye, but that technically wasn't my fault. Merely a downside to wearing stilettos. ;)

To be fair, I suppose this whole thing is a two way street. We may be psycho bitches from hell, but us women folk can come up with a few good titles for our ex's as well. Luckily we are more creative than 99% of the men out there because we don't all use the same term.
So, do any of my girls out there want to share what they've called their ex??

Bastard, asshole, prick, douchebag, limp dick, mama's boy, and 2 minute man don't count, by the way.

September 30, 2006 You're Being Watched

You're being watched...

When you're driving around in your car that is. Yep, that's right. That tint that's on your windows isn't some type of magical force field that is keeping the rest of us from seeing you with your fingers knuckle deep inside your nostril. I've seen this countless times and I really don't get it. My 7 year old daughter has even noticed some nasty old fart picking his nose at a stop light the other day. I hear "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" coming from the back seat, so I asked her what was the matter. "That man over there is digging for gold!" I look over and sure enough, he was going to town, and I didn't see any sign of him slowing down. Thank God the light changed so I could drive off before I threw up in my mouth.

I have also recently seen a woman popping her zits while looking in the rear view mirror. That was pretty nasty and also a tad bit dangerous since she was doing it while going down the highway.

My husband saw something interesting a couple of days ago as he was driving in to work. He thought it was funny enough that it warranted a phone call to me. Fortunately I wasn't around so I got the lovely voice mail of him describing in detail what he was seeing as he was stopped at a red light. Apparently there was a woman shaving her chin with one of those nifty electric razors... in her car.... while stopped at a stop light. Now, most women would be embarrassed to admit that we had hair on our chin, much less shave the shit, at a stop light nonetheless! Which also leads me to ask, if you have enough hair on your chin that you have to shave it with an electric razor..... Well, I would recommend electrolysis

I thought it was funny considering that I will get my groove on and sing in my car, but when I'm stopped at a stop light I will act all composed and stop singing. You see, I am aware that people can see me making a fool out of myself. So as you can see, picking my nose and shaving my chin is going to be completely out of the question.

What I want to know is, are the people who do these types of things really that oblivious to the rest of us looking at them while they do it, or do they just not give a damn?? Hmmmmmm

September 19, 2006 I need ample cheese with this whine

Have you ever been so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted that you just wanted to say "screw this" and give up? Well, that's about right where I'm at right now. I'M SO FREAKING TIRED OF SCHOOL AND I'M SO OVER IT!!!!

I once knew a girl who was in nursing school and decided to quit with one class left to go before graduating. I remember thinking how stupid that was. How could she quit when she was so close? What's that sound you ask? Oh, that's just karma taking a big bite out of my ass right now. It makes total sense why she quit. Well, she actually took a sabbatical because she did eventually go back to school to finish that class, and she's now a practicing RN. My point is that I'm sure she felt much like I do now.... like a sedated robotic psychopath. It all makes total sense now. I feel like I've been eating, sleeping and breathing this shit since 2004 and I just need a break.

Actually, I would settle for a month long nap. It would be great. We could hire a nanny to watch the kids and I could remain comatose in bed. I take that back.. I would finish watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy and then I would become comatose. Hey, I need something good to dream about while I'm out! I would even catheterize myself so that I wouldn't have to get up to take a piss. How's that for laziness?

There would be no reading boring text books and looking at gross pictures of someone's anal fissures, decubitus ulcers or lovely penile discharge. There would be no going to class or clinical for 8 hours at a time, no projects due, and certainly no tests to take. For once in 2 years I would have some damn energy and I could play with my kids without having anxiety about X, Y and Z that is due the next day.

I have no plans on quitting. That is merely just a fantasy. Trust me, I want this over with as quickly and as painlessly as possible. In the grand scheme of things 8 months is just a drop in the hat and will be here before I know it. I would lean on my nursing buddies, but they are crazed out of their minds just like I am. At least I'm not alone.

For now I will quit procrastinating and continue studying for a test that I have tomorrow. This blows!

August 22, 2006 One down.. 4 more to go

Well, it's official. Today was my last day of psych class and I sort of have mixed feelings about it. I actually enjoyed clinicals and interacting with those who had varying degrees of mental illness. Okay, so I'll call it what it was. . There are some fucking crazy ass people hanging out in the metro Richmond area. I was lucky enough to find myself doing this particular rotation at a hospital in the hood, so that made things even more interesting.

I wasn't sure how I was going to like it since we weren't able to pass meds or give actual patient care. What did we do, you ask? We sat around in the day room playing card games, board games (I'm still suffering from getting my butt handed to me in a game of scrabble) and my all time favorite, Battleship with the patients. Oh yes, we also asked plenty of open ended questions in order to facilitate discussion, such as "What brought you into the hospital?" and "Can you tell me other things that will help you cope with your anxieties instead of beating the shit out of your roommate and snorting coke?" and the best one of all "So how did that make you feel?"

I think we all have these preconceived notions when we think of crazy people. Especially about their appearance. Maybe you think they might look like this






Or perhaps you had this in mind....

Let's just say that you would be correct in your assumptions. :)

I know I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head about how a psych patient would look. When I walked into the hospital I could tell from 100 yards away that the majority of them were out there, but the rest looked like you and me. Well, not me. I am as crazy as I look. I'm honest. ;)

After this experience, I'm actually a little bit scared. I can't tell you the number of patients that were released from the hospital still nutty as a fruit cake. So there they are out in the general public doing whatever it is that they do, just waiting for the wrong person to flip their switch. It has really helped me where my road rage is concerned. God forbid I honk the horn at the wrong person and set them off.

On the other hand, I had some really nice experiences. I met God on three separate occasions. They were even three different individuals. How lucky am I? I bet you didn't know this, but Condoleezza Rice just so happens to be a very interesting person to talk to. I also spoke with a women who claimed she was Sgt. Mumford. In addition to her psychosis, she had a reverse anorexia problem because she was a good 350 lbs and claimed to be 85 lbs. Finally, if I ever decide to leave my husband, I know that there is a nice woman in a nearby jail that is waiting for a date. Awww yeah, baby! ;)

All interesting experiences, but now it's time to move on. I'm finally a SENIOR now and May 10th can't come fast enough!

August 16, 2006 My first thought as I woke up this morning

Holy crap! How in the world did that happen??? I'm 30 already???

I've been trying to prepare myself for this day for over 5 years. Once I tuned 25 I became increasingly aware that 30 was fast approaching. Back then I was actually bothered by that quite a bit. Thirty seemed so damn old to me. Almost as if it was the end of an era or something. I would no longer be a 20 something... :( Well, when I woke up today I wasn't depressed about it at all. It was much worse than that. I was in full on denial! Yes, that's right. Denial. I thought to myself, surely this isn't right. I miscalculated some where along the way and I'm really 28 or 29. So I did the math in my head. 2006 - 1976... Then I realized that I was too damn old to do math in my head anymore. I continued to think about it more and I realized that I've never been able to do math in my head and age didn't have shit to do with it, so I broke out the pen and paper. 2006 - 1976... 30. Whatevah! I've never been that good in math. Let me check my work by using this calculator. 2006 - 1976... 30

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I pulled myself together and realized that it could be worse. I could be 40(j/k). 30 isn't so bad, right? Isn't 30 like the new 15 or something? Brentis 36 so I'm basically kiddie porn if I look at things like that. :)

I'm actually in a pretty good place in my life. I've got a great family, great friends, AND I'm going to graduate this year. So what if it took me 12 years to get a 2 year degree? I had a damn good time doing it! I've come to realize that life isn't over at 30. It's only really just begun. (I know... only old farts say that) So here's to hoping that the next decade of life is even better than the last.

Oh, and one last thing before I go. I've noticed some of my old acquaintances from back in the day (high school) aren't being as honest about their ages as they should be. Yeah enemabag, I'm talking to you! You know exactly who you are. You're the jack ass that graduated 2-3 years before me and you're claiming that you're only 28! I thought that maybe you forgot to update your age or something, but I noticed that MY age updated automatically. I didn't think guys were that caught up about getting older?? Very interesting.

By the way, enemabag is the new douchebag. You better hop on board because it's going to be the blazin' new insult that sweeps America. ;)

August 15, 2006 Paranoia

I think we all have had moments in our life when we felt really paranoid about something. If you're one of the lucky ones who doesn't give a shit enough to be paranoid, then please bear with me on this one.

Brent always gives me a ration of crap over the "little things" that I obsess about, so I will list a few of my paranoias here in hopes that I will get a little bit of commiseration from someone.

My number one paranoia is probably one that many share. It's the dreaded hunk of food that likes to hang out in the teef area after a good meal. I believe that I was scarred some where along the way. Maybe when I was a little girl some douchebag never told me that I had half a burger stuck in between my teeth and I eventually repressed it. I really don't know why it's such a big deal to me. Well, that's not entirely true. Since I've been married for over 7 years, it's really not that big of a deal if I have a little somethin' somethin' in my teeth and Brent happens to notice. Don't get me wrong, I would still rush to the bathroom to get whatever it is out so that OTHERS wouldn't see. At this point we have a pretty effective ritual that we go through. I finish my meal. I smile at Brent. He nods yea or nay as to whether or not I've got food in my "grill" and we move on. He doesn't smile back because he doesn't give a shit. Go figure. Back in the dating stage of the game I would have never done that. I would have mumbled "excuse me" like a damn ventriloquist and I would have sprinted to the bathroom to make sure my teeth had the all clear.

Next paranoia would be not knowing whether or not there is "a bat stuck in the cave". Luckily this doesn't happen to me that often because I don't produce snot or boogers. I'm lucky like that. I also don't produce feces just in case you were wondering... only urine. How humiliating is it to be talking to people all day, and then look at the mirror in horror at this little thing dangling inside your nose? Let me tell you, it doesn't matter how beautiful or well put together you are. At the end of the day your still a sucka with a booger in your nose. After you get over the sheer shock of what just went down, only then can you think about beating someone's ass for not being kind enough to let you know. I will say that I'm sort of a hypocrite as far as that's concerned though. There have been numerous occasions where I've seen strangers or even people I know with "a bat in the cave" and I do nothing but hope silently that it doesn't detach in a deep exhalation and fly off on me. I'm going to really work on a proper way of letting someone know. There really is no good way of telling someone that they have something in their nose. It' s almost always going to be embarrassing for all involved. I should take some lessons from my friend, Allison. She will yell at you from across the room and tell you that you've got something in your nose. She's discreet, that one.

Have you ever walked into a room full of people and then laughter ensues? Well I have and it always makes me paranoid. Then a barrage of thoughts begin to flow through my head.. Do I have a bat stuck in the cave? Is there something in my teeth? Are my underwear showing through these pants? Did I forget to shave? Maybe it's my hair... Did I forget to put on a bra before I left the house?? Haha, like that would ever happen. I've always heard that no one thinks about you as much as you do. I need to keep that in mind.

Of course I've always been somewhat medically paranoid. Nursing school doesn't help with that much. So far I've been worried that I have renal failure, heart issues, scleroderma (damn dry winter skin), ovarian cancer, breast cancer, brain tumor, colon cancer and the one that I worry about the most you ask? Prostate cancer! Bad joke, I know... I'm just now wrapping up my psych rotation and I've also thought that I might be afflicted with some mental issues as well. The jury is still out on that as of now.

This is getting way too long, so I will stop at this last one for now. I love getting manicures and pedicures. Unfortunately I'm convinced that those bitches are talking about me the whole time I'm there. I can't say for sure since I'm not Vietnamese. Their scope of the English language seems to be as follows.. "He-yo. Ha ca I hep u? Okay. Pick cula." I've briefly thought about learning the language so I can go in there and just say a few sentences just to scare them into thinking I know what the hell they're talking about. I imagine there would be a lot less talking going on then. One time I went in and was in a feisty mood. The nail techs started their chitter chatter and then they began laughing. I looked right at them and started laughing with them. One lady looked like she dropped a load and then muttered out "Oh, u speak Vietnamese?" I didn't answer purposely to make them wonder. They seem really nice and they're great at what they do, which is why I go back often and put up with my paranoia. What's hilarious is that all of the women in there getting their nails done are all glancing around at each other, trying to figure out if they are the only paranoid one in the room. Luckily I'm not alone.

August 13, 2006 They're my spawn and I love them, but they're nucking futs

Kids - They're so cute and loveable when they're not being a pain in the butt. At least mine are. They're also honest. Somewhere along the line as adults we lose that kind of honesty, but imagine if we didn't? The world would be a pretty funny place, no? Can you imagine asking your friend or significant other the following questions and getting kid type honesty?

"Do you think these jeans make my ass look big?"

"You're kidding right? You mean you can't tell by looking in the mirror that your ass looks big? Frankly, I'm unsure of any type of clothing that would make that thing look small. Do you own a tarp?"

"So baby, how was I last night?"

"You quite possibly were the worst sex that I've ever had.... Even if you had more than a tic-tac size appendage, I can't imagine that it would have been any better. However, If things had lasted longer than 14 seconds I might be a better judge of your performance, or lack thereof."

I also love how my kids think all of the shit jobs in the world are cool. In fact my daughter wants to be a "grocery booper" when she gets big. What's a grocery booper, you ask? A grocery cashier of course. She gets booper from the noise they make as they scan merchandise. I acted as though being a grocery booper would be a great thing to do, while in the back of my mind I was envisioning her living with us until the end of time. To be honest I hope she tends to shoot a little higher for her future as she ages, but as of now we will have no such luck. In fact, as of last week she's mentioned that she no longer wants to be a grocery booper.... Now she wants to be the grocery bagger. Downgrade!!!

Let me touch on my son for a while. He's currently 3 and is as cute as ever. Too bad I can't take him in public anymore. You know how kids have their very own little speech impediment issues? Well, Aidan has that. He says F in place of his T's and as if that's not enough he doesn't really pronounce his R's. For example, truck = fuck. Imagine my horror when we go to the store and he screams out "I want a fuck mommy!" "Pease get me a fuck!" He's a big Thomas the Train fan so he often asks for the foublesome fucks. He also has issues pronouncing his L's. Needless to say I steer cleer of any conversations having to do with clocks in public. It's happened before. . . Trust me.

Oh, and God forbid I go down the aisle where the tampons are located. "You need some of dose tempawns, Mommy? He's somewhat of a tampon freak and I'm sort of worried. I walked into my bathroom one day and realized that he ruined a whole box. He ripped them all open, disassembled them, and then lined them up and began pushing them around the floor as though they were trains. I swear to God we buy him toys! He's got tons of real trains to play with, but for some reason he was feeling the need to play with cotton. So be it. On a different occasion I found him swinging two tampons around by their strings as though they were nunchucks. As you can see, his kung fu is weak!

Even on their worst days, they are pure entertainment.

August 6, 2006 Men.. Such Simple Minded Little Creatures

A little background info.. Brent, my dear husband, is usually good about starting and finishing projects around the house. However, there is one project that has remained unfinished for the past 5 months. The dreaded hallway bathroom. Back in March, I decided that it was time to take the hideous wallpaper off the walls that was put up by the prior owners of this house. I think they were schizophrenic or maybe they were just fucking nuts because the stuff is tacky as hell. Anyway, it was apparently put up with a hot glue gun because it comes down in postage stamp size pieces. IE.. giant pain in the ass.

Truth be told, I feel sort of guilty talking about unfinished projects since I've got one of my own. You see, I started a stenciling project when I was pregnant with Aidan. He turned 3 in March and it's still a little over half way done. You do the math. I will finish it! I just haven't been inspired lately, that's all. Anyway, enough about that. Lets get back to the topic at hand.

So today I tell Brent that he needs to get upstairs and try to get the rest of the wallpaper down because it's been so long, blah blah blah. He made a few smart ass comments about my project that has remained unfinished for over, ahem, 3 years and went on to tell me that he didn't feel like doing the wall paper removal today. Fine. It didn't look as though my verbal prompting was going to work, so I decided to place a little bet. I told him that I could get up there and get it down myself in 30 minutes, and if I was successful then I wanted a 3 stone diamond ring. Hey, my birthday is coming up anyway so I thought it was a good deal. He's a chump, or so I thought, so he took me up on my offer. He gave me 2 minutes to gather up my supplies. I concocted a mixture of vinegar, liquid fabric softener and water and put it in a spray bottle... off I went. Oh, and just in case you were unaware, vinegar and liquid fabric sofenter are both supposed to make wallpaper removal easier. At least that's what "they" say. I've never mixed the two together, but I figured it would work. Let me tell you, I just knew I was going to strip that stuff off the wall in 30 minutes. I'm a fierce competitor, a winner... I'm also delusional from time to time.

I run upstairs and roll my little scouring wall paper thingy around and spray my concoction like a mad woman... After 5 minutes I was completely over that shit. Not even a 3 stone diamond ring on the line would keep me in that bathroom. Brent was laughing at me while talking huge amounts of smack. I was getting high on what smelled like a douche and a field of flowers. My pride was hurt, but I was done. Finito. Finished.

So I played the poor me, defeated role and I played it well. So well that Brent has been in the bathroom for the past 3 hours pulling wall paper off the wall and he doesn't plan on stopping until it's finished. Suckka!!!!

The moral of this story is to never give up when you don't automatically get what you want. There are many other ways to go about it. Now if I can just get him to offer me that 3 stone diamond ring in exchange for finishing that stenciling project, then I will be all set! Bwaa haaa haaa haaa! ;)

Note the lovely little finger gesture that Brent is displaying. Doesn't he look thrilled that his project is almost complete???

August 5, 2006 Family Fun

So we decided to break the weekend monotony and take the kidlets to a local water park for some fun in the sun. It was hot as a mutha and the kids had a great time. Hopefully they will become comatose at an early hour this evening and sleep in past 8:00 tomorrow morning. If that's the case, then mission accomplished!

After doing some major people watching today, I've got a little secret and I'm planning on sharing it. I'm willing to give it up so that you, too, can benefit from all life has to offer. So here is my advice.. Walk, no, run as fast as you can and purchase some stock in Hostess, Frito Lay, Pepsi Co, and Fatback Inc. Lord knows these companies will be around until the end of time because there are millions of people keeping them in GOOD business.

Let me just say that I had no idea that bikini's could be made so freaking big. This one girl was roughly the size of Jabba the Hutt and she was sporting a bikini. Her bottoms literally looked about the size of a king size (California King...) sheet with leg holes cut in it. I thought briefly about taking a picture just for proof, but my POS camera doesn't zoom out that far... I don't claim to be the fittest person ever. Hell, I didn't even put on a bathing suit today because I'm not comfortable in doing so. Of course, after leaving there today I could have easily worn one and looked damn good in it in comparison. However, that's not saying a whole lot.

I had to ask myself, what in the world are these people thinking? I mean, they had to go to a store and try that big ol thing on.. Then they had to look at themselves in a mirror and say "Yeah, my butt looks nice in this bikini. THIS is the one." I wish I had an ounce of their self-esteem or whatever it is that they have that allowed them to step out in public like that, I really do. I need more don't give a shit in my life, I think.

I'm not totally heartless and cruel. I'm not sitting around staring at people thinking what a disgusting piece of shit they are. Quite the opposite, actually. I honestly feel horrible for them. What's worse is realizing that the majority of the kids running around that place were obese for their ages. Hell, many of the young boys running around had bigger boobs than I do. That IS saying alot. I remember being a kid and playing outside from sun up to sun down. Running all over the place and getting in trouble etc, etc. Those days are gone for the majority of the kids today. If it doesn't involve a twinkie, some coca cola, a couch and a game cube then they're not doing it. Talk about being screwed from the get go. Especially in a culture that focuses so much on appearances.

Oh well, this is all something you're all familiar with, I'm sure. You can get a good glimpse of it every day as you stroll though your local Wal-Mart. Just be glad people don't sport swim wear there! Well, at least the majority of them don't.

July 6, 2006 Gym Etiquette

I've been sort of a gym rat for the past several years and I've seen, heard and smelled some pretty atrocious things. My plan is just to hit on some of the more important ones that are probably pretty obvious to you and me and the rest of us that have at least 25 brain cells.. There are many things that you SHOULD do and you SHOULD NOT do at the gym. Enjoy..

1. If you're a woman with a "weight issue" and you can't see your feet when you walk, you might want to reconsider those spandex leggings and the sports bra for gym attire. <----- I'm still partially blind in one eye from such an incident.

2. Personally I think there should be a mandatory law that states you can't enter a gym without popping a tic-tac or chewing a piece of gym. I can't tell you the number of times I've hopped on a treadmill, stair master, elliptical, etc right next to or in front of someone only to have my hair blown back by their breath. It really isn't the hard breathing that bothers me. Okay, so it really does. Actually, it annoys the shit out of me. However, the bad breath is what's really the killer. I'm astounded how someone can have breath so bad that they could knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon, yet they can't manage to smell it themselves. For Christ's sake your nose is right above that thing you call a mouth. To me it smells like a dead carcass, but it's really a mouth and I can recognize that.

3. I love America, I really do. We're so lucky to live in a great country and have access to all of the wonderful things we have access to. Such as stores that sell DEODORANT! This is a big one because it happens often. Apparently there is a huge portion of the population that isn't aware of deodorant or even where to put it. Not to be sexist, but it's usually men that reek the worst. Although, there have been some women that could give the guys a run for their money. Here's a little tip for you. When you notice the paint peeling off the walls and people around you dropping like flies, it might be time to apply something to the pits.. Or perhaps a nice shower would suffice. I know it would help my nose. It's been singed beyond belief on several occasions. Again, I don't really get how you can't smell yourself when it gets to that point. I'm not perfect.. There have been one or two times in my life when I haven't been as fresh as I could have been. Did I notice? Hell yes! Apparently my nose has super powers or something.

4. Alright ladies, if you haven't jumped on the thong bandwagon yet, then you need to get with the program. Most gym attire consists of lycra, spandex, etc. You know, the really form fitting stuff. Your granny panties that you've been wearing are extremely apparent. In fact, you may as well have a neon sign above your ass blinking CHECK OUT MY PARACHUTE PANTY LINES!! Ain't pretty.

5. This will be short and sweet. If you are experiencing gas, please don't even think about going to a yoga or pilates class. The music isn't loud enough to muffle the sound, not to mention it will really fuck with my concentration. It's kind of hard to focus on my breathing when I'm trying my best not to laugh out loud at your farting ass.

6. If you tend to sweat like a whore in church when you workout, please bring a towel to wipe down with. I enjoy showers, I really do. I tend to like them more if I'm being showered with good 'ol H20 and not your perspiration. Thanks..

7. Let's go back to the thong. I'm a total proponent of the thong as you may have seen in number 4. I love thongs. I think they make America a better place. However, the low rise leggings, shorts, etc are pretty popular right now. Once I spent 45 minutes in a spin class staring at a girl's lovely black thong and half of her bare ass. Now I'm sure the guys totally enjoyed it. In fact, I would lay pretty good odds that there was plenty of wood sported that day, which probably made riding a spin bike sort of difficult, but that's neither here nor there. My point is that they make low rise thongs now. BUY THEM!

8. To all my ladies that are members of the itty bitty titty committee, don't be fooled by those cute tops that have the built in shelf-bras. Even your AAA's aren't getting enough support and they're shaking around like a tiny bowl of jello. I'm sure someone in the gym might be turned on, but I speak for the heterosexual women of the gym, and we aren't impressed. 2 words. Sports bra! Oh, if you're one of the women that are still wearing granny panties, then you might want to pick yourself up a pack of thongs as well. :)

9. You know what I really love? I love it when a guy grunts, groans and moans when he lifts weights. Isn't that really impressive as hell? NO, actually it's not. Nobody is impressed with the 50 lbs that you're trying with all of your might to lift. Get off the stage and keep the moaning for the bedroom.

10. Thankfully I don't see this much anymore, but every now and then a guy will have a brief moment of insanity where he thinks it's cool to wear spandex tights. Nothing like having your little bits and pieces on display for the whole world to see. It's really pretty gross. Leave something to the imagination. Now everyone knows you're hung like a light switch. Congratulations. Probably not what you were going for, but that's what you get.

Those are the main ones that come right off the top of my head. Trust me, there are many more, but they'll have to wait for another time.

June 25, 2006 Early Morning Ramblings

DISCLAIMER: I'll start off by saying that if you're looking for my deep, innermost personal thoughts in this blog then you might want to hit the back button, because you won't find that here. Think more along the lines of superficial and random....

Which brings me to my first random rant about my inability to be able to sleep in anymore. I've come to the conclusion that my days of sleeping in past 8:00 am are looooong gone. You see, once you have kids you learn to live with many things... Constant state of confusion (due to not getting enough damn sleep!), messy house, stretch marks, sagging breasts (hey, gotta mop the floors with something right??), etc etc All of those things I can take, but I mourn for the days when I could sleep in until noon.

The really crazy thing is that I have ample opportunities TO sleep in thanks to Brent. We tend to compromise on that. I let him sleep in, he lets me sleep in. Even when I don't let him sleep in he still lets me sleep in.. You get the idea. The irony of it all is that regardless of all of that, I have this freaking internal alarm clock that won't let me sleep in past 8:00 am. Lately I've been waking up wide eyed at 7:00 am. No matter what time I go to sleep and what condition I'm in when my head hits the pillow, it's always the same outcome. . .

I remember back in the day when I was high school I was the queen. No... the MASTER or sleeping in. I don't even know if what I did back then would even qualify as sleeping in or merely being comatose. I would now like to take this opportunity to thank the Reynolds Wrap folks for making the best invention ever.. freaking aluminum foil! They say it's versatile, and that's no lie people! Yes, I had that shit plastered on all of my windows and not even a ray of sunshine shone into my room. It was heavenly bliss! I have no idea what my parents were thinking when they let me do that. I'm sure it looked quite ghetto from the outside of the house since my room was in the front of the house and visible from the street, but I digress.... The longest I was able to sleep in was 3:30 pm. My mom had the audacity to come in my room to make sure I was still breathing.

Those are nice memories, but they're long gone. Trust me, I've thought about busting out with the foil again for old times sake. That would probably screw with the aesthetics of the home and I'm sure the neighbors wouldn't approve, so that's sort of a futile thought. Not that it would matter anyway since I would look like like a strung out wide awake crack ho amid the darkness.
So remember this all of my childless friends, for you too will feel my pain some day. Enjoy it while you can suckkas!!!

No longer a virgin

It's my first blogspot blog! I've been blogging on myspace for a couple of years but I've decided to let my friends and family who haven't yet jumped on the myspace bandwagon to join in on the fun and witness my trials, tribulations and daily shenanigans that I get myself into. Of course there are plenty of stories about my family and work related issues as well as other mundane topics. That's life right? I'll post my old blogs from myspace here so that there is some sort of continuity. I know you were concerned about the continuity. ;)