Road Rage... It's an ugly phenomenon

So we had a lovely Thanksgiving weekend with the folks in Louisiana, but as is traditional all good things must come to and end. That means that it was time to make the fantastic 5 1/2 hour trip home. By the way, for most folks this trip would be 7 hours because they would most likely drive the speed limit which I don't, and they would also stop to urinate, stretch their legs, let their kids run wild, etc but I also do not do that. Yes, I'm -that- parent.

"Alright children load 'em up! It's time to hit the road. I hope you went to the bathroom before you got in the car because it's going to be a looooong trip if not. If you failed to do so, feel free to take a whiz or crap in your depends diaper. Brent that goes for you too. As for me, I've been on strict I's and O's so using the bathroom will not be necessary as I'm totally dehydrated. As a matter of fact, if I piss anything it will be dust."

Okay, so I'm slightly exaggerating... Kind of. I do hate to stop if I don't REALLY have to. Once I have a destination in mind there should be no stopping until we get there. Luckily I have kids that travel really well. Not to mention they are totally captivated by the DVD player and other random crap that I pack for them to keep them occupied. Most trips I barely hear a peep out of them. The headphones that they wear to watch TV also comes in handy for my road rage moments. They learn less cool new words that way.

When we travel I'm the designated driver. The reason for this is simple. Brent doesn't drive worth a shit and I value my life and that of my offspring far too much to sit back and watch him kill us because he drives like a jackass. He also has learned a long time ago that it's much easier for ME to drive than to sit and listen to me bitch about his driving. It's really a win win for us all I think.

I think I'm the better driver for various reasons.. here are a few.

1. I can get us to our destination quickly and safely. This typically involves going between 80-90mph assuming traffic will allow for that.

2 I also have this uncanny ability to know when a cop is in the area. I go by gut instinct and not some fancy radar equipment.

3. While I'm on the subject of cops, I've also got a pretty good record of getting OUT of speeding tickets when that internal radar breaks down. The last 3 times I've been pulled over.. WARNING. WARNING. WARNING

4. I don't tailgate.

5. I have quick reaction time. Cat like reflexes and all...

Anyway, all of the above doesn't mean shit when you've got some douchebag f*cking up the flow of traffic like the fool that I had the pleasure of following for 200 miles today. I'm fairly certain that I had steam shooting out of my ears like the cartoon characters do. Brent would look at me and then just look away and shake his head. I began brainstorming ideas of new technology that I think should be installed into every vehicle. It would be a dashboard telephone and you could dial the license plate number to be able to talk to the person that (you want to curse out) you want to get in touch with and it would be as easy as that. I would have loved to have dialed up the son of a bitch that I was trapped behind today. I think that conversation would have went a little something like this....

Me- dialing QST376.... ringing....

slow driving bastard (SDB) hick music playing in the background Hello?

Me- Uh, hello. Yeah, my name is Candice. I'm the person that's been riding your ass for the past 2 1/2 hours. Is there a reason that you are driving like an elderly man on acid in the fast lane?

SDB- I'm sorry, what did you say your name was again?

Me- Dude! Immaterial. Have you bothered to LOOK in your rear view mirror lately? You've got a fucking caravan of at least 100 pissed off people in this lane. We can't pass because you are single handedly screwing up the flow of traffic! Could you do us all a favor and MOVE over to the right lane. You know, where the slower traffic is!?!?

SDB- Why are you in such a hurry lady? This is the Thanksgiving holiday after all. You should be more thankful about the bigger things in your life.

Me- Okay, well let me address the reason why I'm in a hurry. Number 1. Hold on a minute... EAR MUFFS KIDS! Anyway, my ass is totally numb! and B. I've got to take a leak and I've still got 2 hours before I'm home and I'm not stopping! I'm also pretty thankful that I don't have a concealed weapon at this point because I'd totally like to bust a cap in your ass right now. No, I'm really thankful that the images that I've been conjuring up in my head won't become a reality because if you really want to know the truth I've been wishing that I was driving a James Bondmobile, and the truly horrific thing is that I wish I could press a button right now that would make my front license plate flip up and then a fucking bazooka launcher would be pointing at the ass end of your truck. Then I would press the red LAUNCH button and pass through the fiery carnage going about 95 mph so that I could make up some of the time that I've lost due to following behind your slow ass!

SDB- Wow lady, you've got some real anger issues there.

Brent- Don't mind her she's really all talk.

Me- Shut it Brent! I think I would be alot less angry if I didn't feel as though I needed a deep tissue massage on my numb ass right now.

Brent- how deep exactly?

SDB- HAHAHA.. I like that fella. he's pretty damn funny.

Me- EAR MUFFS KIDS!!!

Luckily I was eventually able to pass SDB and we made it home in one piece. If I'm thankful for anything it's that.

Humor-Blogs.com

Just give me some space!

Okay, so I have this little issue with personal space. My issue with personal space requires that all strangers give me at least an arms length of distance unless I invite you closer or unless you look like this guy..

If you just so happen to look like Jeffery Donovan then you can feel free to stand as close to me as you'd like. While you're there you can also feel free to *explicit content... explicit content.... explicit content... explicit content....explicit content.. explicit content... OMG VERY EXPLICIT CONTENT....* and I would be totally down with that as well. Just name the time and place.

However, the above rarely ever happens but I will tell you what happened to me yesterday. I was at Wal-Mart. Ah yes, it's another tragic Wal-Mart story. I know what you're thinking. "Why in the hell do you continue to go to Wal-Mart when all you do is bitch about it all of the time?" Well, my son was having Lego withdrawals here in Louisiana and my dear Mother needed to go to Wal-Mart instead of Target so once again that's where I found myself. It wasn't even that crowded for Black Friday which was sort of surprising, but the distressing part was when I began to check out. I was in the "express" lane. You know, the lane for the people that have less than 20 items to check out? Yeah, express my ass! I practically grew old and died right there in Wal-Mart. Then the stinky Cajun hillbilly family came and stood right behind me. When I say RIGHT BEHIND ME, that's exactly what I mean.

Every time this woman spoke I could feel her breath on my neck. I was sufficiently grossed out. I took a step up to get away from this person that obviously does NOT have personal space issues and every step I took forward she matched me with a step up as well. I began to get pissed. Not only that but this family smelled like musty, molded, mildewed ass. I envisioned the whole damn family putting on their clothes straight from the washing machine full of laundry that had sat there for a week before someone noticed that they didn't put the load of laundry in the dryer. "Oh well, it's dry now. Let's wear it!" That's the exact scenario I had in my mind. My nose also agreed with my scenario.

I took another step forward because I knew that if I stayed in their funk cloud long enough that I would begin to smell like them. What did they all do? Of course they stepped up as well. At this point I turned around to give them a look to let them know that I wasn't pleased with this invasion of my personal space. I also typically don't like to enter my pin number for my debit card with 5 fucking people staring over my shoulder. So like a bitch I totally covered the number pad and gave them another look that said "Go to hell, but first get some Zest on aisle 9 you stinky bastards!"

Humor-Blogs.com

What I've done with my day..

So the plan was to be in Louisiana right now but I worked last night and didn't get to sleep until 4:00 am so I ended up sleeping in a little longer today than I intended to. Guess we will be travelling on Thanksgiving instead. Fun.



Anyway, what have I done in the hours that I have been awake you ask? Well I'll tell you. I worked out and I've spent the rest of the afternoon looking for naked Jeffery Donovan pictures on the Internet. Unfortunately I was unable to locate any, but I did find this turkey pecking at George's bush.






And lets face it folks, that's damn near as good as seeing naked pictures of this guy.




SIGH....


Humor-Blogs.com

It's going to be a Cajun kind of Thanksgiving

Yes, I'm going "home" for the holidays. Good ol' Lake Charles here we come! I love seeing my family because I know I will have a wealth of material to blog about once I return home. Not to mention the L' Auberge casino kicks ass and I'm totally going to be going home with their money. The drive through daiquiri shops are a nice touch as well.

I also love the way I gain 5 pounds while I'm home. Too much boudin perhaps? Or was it all of the rice and gravy? Maybe it was the gumbo. Regardless I'm bringing the stretchy pants and spandex so that I can expand in comfort.

I think this trip will be less exciting than when we got together for the 4th of July. When I get together with my siblings we tend to regress back to when we were kids and our judgement and good sense all go out the window.

For example, my brother and I thought it would be a good idea to buy fireworks that require you to have a pyrotechnician present in order to light. Not only that but we had our buzz on as well. Yeah, talk about a good combination, right? Oh, my parents also live in a quiet neighborhood along a lovely golf course where it is illegal to do such activity. I could tell my dad wasn't thrilled with our plan of entertaining the kids with our special Sonnier fireworks extravaganza.

"Someone could get hurt"

"Gdammit that's too loud!"

"You sure you know what you're doing?"

Were only some of the things that he repeated over and over. Finally once we got to the big fireworks at the end of the show we decided to double up. These Excalibur fireworks were AWESOME! They were just as cool as the toothless woman that sold them to us said they would be. So John and I decided to light 2 at a time and we built this makeshift firework launcher that would allow us to do just that. We unfortunately didn't factor in that I would light mine a few seconds too soon and my large explosion would cause HIS to tilt towards the house barely clearing the roof before exploding over the whole neighborhood. So it went something like this..

Ooooooooooooooooh.... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!! Run for your liiiivvvveeeeessss......

My brother and I immediately looked at each other like this isn't going to end well. The kids all scattered like roaches and were screaming. My dad was inventing new curse words and was working himself up to "the big one". My brother and I went to the front of the house to make sure the neighbors roof wasn't on fire. Luckily it exploded in the street. At least that's where a huge black mark was. That did nothing to stop my Dad's pacing inside of the house. He was waiting for the popo to show up and I was about to piss myself because I was laughing so hard. John wanted to go back outside and light the rest of them before the popo showed up because he's smart like that. My Dad was working himself into a frenzy again and my mother was saying things like this

"Oh Keith, you know you did things like that to have fun when you were a kid."

Then I pointed out that my brother is like 37 and I'm 32 so technically we weren't "kids" anymore..

But thankfully the nurse in me kicked in and I decided to check the ol' blood pressure that way I would be able to know approximately how high it could get before a stroke would occur.





Luckily all was fine and the PoPo never showed up and my Dad didn't stroke out. I don't even think my parents got a letter from their HOA or anything. Talk about a let down..

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be off finding some type of trouble to get myself into but never fear as I will blog about it eventually.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!


Humor-Blogs.com

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it..

I just love the message of this fine tune. Beyonce is sending out a big ol' FU to all the guys that were too slow, too stupid, or just plain unaware of what a great catch she is. Now it's a wee bit too late as she's married to music mogul Jay Z. Now I'm also fairly certain that there is a hidden message within the song where Beyonce lets her lost love/loves' know that she hopes that they live a long life full of misery and regret for being a complete idiot... Such is life. Should have put a ring on it.

Anyway, as you might imagine when Beyonce did her performance of this song on the AMA's last night I was super excited to see it/hear it. I had to jump out of bed and give Aidan a show. It was our snuggle time before bed and I figured he needed a good old fashion performance prior to drifting off to sleep. All of the hip gyrating and erratic movements didn't really impress him. If fact the dog seemed to get more out of it than Aidan did because he at least barked and howled. I did all that for what? A pulled muscle and not even one laugh? It's a hard crowd some days...

As I was finding my Beyonce video I also found this lovely jewel doing his interpretation of the same song...

This guy is pretty entertaining I must admit. Perfect jazz hands and everything. I will say that I was a bit concerned that his nads were going to fall out of his leotard but luckily the man meat stayed in place. Thank you God.

Oh and if you had any seismic activity in your area recently this might be why.

Humor-Blogs.com

My version of Deck the Halls..

Alright, so it's that time of the year again. It's Christmastime and that means we get to put out all of this random shit in and around the house for approximately a month before we have to clean it up and lug it back into the attic. Okay, so WE might be a bit of a stretch.. I watch while Brent does it. Fine, I'll admit it. I do oversee the whole process and make sure it doesn't look like crap. That's a pretty important job. Oh, and I also "fluff" the Christmas tree and the garland that is wrapped around the staircase, which I might add is a total shit job. In fact I think I need to add it to my shitwork list that I have. I hate fluffing but I do it so that we don't end up looking like we've got a 12 foot anorexic tree and a staircase wrapped in limp moss. You know, it's the little things. Anyway, on to my song Deck the Halls life according to Candice style, with accomplanying picture illustrations...

singing...

Deck the halls with a big ass Christmas tree....

FA RA RA RA RA - RA RA RA RA...

Tis the season to be Jolly (ahem.. I said JOLLY Brent)

Fa RA RA RA RA- RA RA RA RA

The lights don't work..

and Brent's a jerk

Fa RA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA..

Uh, and now we don some gay apparel... (that mommy will later throw in the trash because that's exactly where it beeeelllllooooongggss)

See the blazing blah blah blah blah... I'm almost done

FA RA RA RA RA.... RA RA... RA .. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

In other news....

My furry feline friends are still gay..

AND

Brent has a bad case of the blue balls. Oddly enough one is even shaped like a snowflake. How lucky am I?

Humor-Blogs.com

You know your screwed when your kids say....

I've learned some things about my kids over the years. I've also learned that my gut instincts are typically right on. This leads me to my next point... You know when you're screwed when your kids say. . .

1. Please don't be mad but....

2. UH.... Oooooooooh....

3. It was just an accident, but....

4. Taylor screaming AAAA-DUN-UH!!!

5. How fast does hair grow back?

6. Or you hear a loud noise that sounds just like your house was hit by a large vehicle and then your children fall quiet when normally they are never quiet.... That never yields positive results people.. never.

7. Was (enter random object here) expensive to buy? <------ that means that I will totally have to buy another one.

8. Mommy, please don't be mad but...

9. You need to come up here quick! (this was the time Taylor left the water on in her sink and flooded her room. I ended up with her water in my closet and bathroom downstairs.. It was so nice of her to share.

10. You yell upstairs for your son but instead you are told by your daughter and her two friends that are sleeping over that he's in the room with them "getting a massage". At the same time you also realize that it must be why it smells like a Bath and Body whore house as you walk up the stairs.

By the way for a brief moment I thought it was nice of them to include Aidan in their sleepover festivities, but then I remembered that every time I have ever received a massage I didn't have a shred of clothing on, so I sprinted upstairs to have a look see for myself. I was even stealthy about it because the girls never knew I was up there. I overheard the following conversation.. Oh, and yes Aidan was fully clothed. He was sitting on the edge of the bed getting lotion rubbed on his lower legs and feet with a huge smile on his face.

Taylor- You have hair on your legs Aidan..

Aidan- Well so do you!

Taylor's friend Erin- Boys are supposed to have hairy legs. It's actually attractive

WTF?!?!?!

I noticed Taylor had a look of disgust on her face after Erin's comment..

good girl Taylor... Good girl!!

Taylor's other friend- Your legs are totally moisturized now.

Aidan- Sweet!

So tell me, what are some things that your kids have said to you that made you realize that you were screwed?

Humor-Blogs.com

Dear Diary...

Well, I made it through 2 more nights of work unscathed, dear diary. Fortunately I was only driven to excessive cursing only once. That must have been the time I had to clean up poop. Lots and lots of poop. The old drunk guy that was driving while shitfaced out of his mind was lucky enough to NOT kill someone else or himself (yes, in that order) but unlucky enough to completely piss and crap all over himself. I knew I was in trouble when a tech walked up to me after I had just finished eating my dinner. He wanted to tell me the good news about Mr. blitzed and how he had just totally had a code brown. I could tell that he wanted help cleaning him up. I still had food travelling down my esophagus, dear freaking diary! Come ON! Could the timing have BEEN any better?

So as I'm walking down the hall I'm imagining myself puking up my barely digested Healthy Choice meal all over this guy's business. I also realized that his family must be really be put off by poop too, because they were waiting out in the hallway with their faces all scrunched up like they had smelled a rotting corpse. The annoying and extremely demanding wife was gesturing at me to hurry up and get in there to clean the crap off her drunk husbands ass, legs, feet, etc. I began to realize that this woman was most likely the cause of her husband's excessive drinking. At that point I began daydreaming about alcohol as well. I was also wishing that SHE had received the 20mg of Geodon and 2mg of Ativan that her poopy husband had upon arrival. That would have made my life much easier.

Dear diary, I have told you that I don't get paid enough to do what I do some days, right? Okay... good. I won't repeat myself then.

But not all patient experiences are bad, dear diary.. Last night I had the pleasure of taking care of a sweet little old lady that I will refer to as Ethel. Ethel told me many fascinating stories about her friend and how she suffered with back pain for 2 years before she had found out that she was dying with cancer. She had gone to 33 doctors before she found ONE that "knew their ass from their elbow" and finally told her that she was dying of Multiple Myeloma. I'm assuming that Ethel was skeptical about her own hip pain and how all of the tests that we had ran in the ER were negative. On the bright side she did not crap herself and she had the added bonus of being hilarious. So much so that I wanted to take her home with me. It had nothing to do with the fact that she also told me that I needed to get out of nursing and become a "movie star or a model". In fact she was certain that I haven't been "discovered" yet. Wasn't that sweet of her to say dear diary?

I overlooked the fact that she was almost 90 and had Macular Degeneration.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be discovered soon.

Until next time.

Humor-Blogs.com

How you know when you're a lazy piece of crap.

I had a pretty good indication that I was a lazy piece of crap when I found myself lying in bed watching The Biggest Loser while eating enough food to kill a large cow. In fact, the only time I moved was when I had to place my index finger over the fast forward button on the remote during those pesky commercials. Well I take that back. My elbow and my mouth was moving quite a bit as well. Oddly enough every time my elbow was bent my mouth was opening. Weird how that works. . . I was totally aware of the irony of stuffing my face in a somewhat recumbent position while watching obese people sweat their asses off. I felt guilty about it too. I thought to myself "Self, this is about as bad as snorting a line of coke and downing a pint of whiskey as you watch Intervention on A&E. You are a pathetic piece of shit!"

Now I normally pride myself on being a fairly active individual. I THOUGHT that once I cut back my hours at work that I would hit the gym more. You know, become that gym rat that everyone would recognize because I would be there twice a day. I wanted the women to look at me and think "Here comes that skinny bitch again." and I wanted the men to look at me and think "Oh damn, how do I hide the fact that I'm sporting wood while wearing spandex?" No such luck... I'm guessing neither of the two have even been a thought since I haven't been to the gym that much lately. I do workout at home, but it's just not the same.

I was slightly motivated for a while when Brent and I had our weight challenge. Initial post, Week One, Week three. It used to be a weekly post of mine until I gained weight one week and decided that it was a complete waste of time. So that lasted all of three weeks. Now I'm sure my weight gain was because it was that time of the month. You know, water weight and all. It probably had nothing to do with me eating out more, working out less, drinking more alkihall and eating a metric ass load of Halloween candy. No way.

So now I guess it shouldn't be any surprise when my jeans begin to go on strike. My Gap Long and Lean jeans looked at me the other day and said "Oh hell no bitch. Look at my tag. It says LONG and LEAN not LONG and MASSIVE. Keep on moving. Ain't nuthin to see here." Jeans fitting tighter is where I draw that proverbial line so it's time to get off my ass and get serious before I find a closet full of shit from Big Girls R Us.

I'm also planning on participating in a MARATHON in Va this coming March so I've got to get my affairs in order. You know, up the ol' life insurance policy and whatnot. I know at this point I would surely die if I tried any kind of strenuous activity like that. It's a hefty goal and I plan on succeeding. Not to mention if I say it out loud then I kind of have to follow through, right? Ahem...

Time to go workout.

Humor-Blogs.com

Okay kids... Tampons and vodka? Seriously??

Okay people... I damn near choked on my cookie when I saw the following video so if you are eating, drinking, need to pass gas, urinate OR take a dook, please do what you've gotta do and then come back and join me. (How's that for a warning Jay?) I can NOT be responsible for anything that might happen if you read this or observe the video while needing to do any of the above.



I mean, I knew kids were stupid. Hell, they were pretty effing stupid when I was a kid... Yes, myself included. Seems like they've taken it to a whole new level these days.

I can promise you if one of my girlfriends said "Hey Candice, wanna get drunk tonight?" I'd be all like "Hells yeah!" and then she would say "Sweet, you bring the maximum absorbency tampons and I'll steal the vodka from my parent's bar, okay?" and then I'd say "Tampons?!! What the fuck dude?" and then she'd reply with "Uh, yeah! We are totally going to shove these up our asses man. You can even toss a few up the ol' Vag if you feel so inclined! We're gonna get tore up baby, yeah!" and then I'd punch her in the mouth for being a freaking stupid dirty whore.

Now then, lets get to the video and talk about the quack Dr masterson.. She's theoretically a well educated gynecologist that can't even pronounce the correct term for vaginal lining. WTF did she refer to it as? "Vaginal Material??" Does she have felt, polyester or silk lining her junk? Uh, I don't know about you, but I don't be havin' no vaginal MATERIAL woman! I've got a vaginal VAULT with rugal folds that contribute to the elasticity. :) There is mucosa, submucosa, the muscularis and serosa. Where in the shit did you get your education woman? Who is your target audience that watches this show? The retarded or possibly even 4 year olds? I can promise you if a patient came into the ER and upon asking why she was visiting us today said "Um, yeah I'm here because my vagina material is burning and itching somewhat." I would probably have to leave the room very quickly and laugh into a pillow.... for a long time. Then I would have to get another nurse to go into the room to finish the assessment.

Anyway, moving on... Let's talk about the beer bong up the ass thing. I'd totally be down with that. Give me some KY, perhaps a nice big vibrating tube that the warm beer would flow down and it would be on til the break of dawn YO! NOT Jesus children! What the hell is wrong with the traditional way of getting shit faced? You know, through your pie holes? Now you all are resorting to sticking beer up your asses? You weird little bastards!

This trend better be long gone before I have to worry about that with my 9 and 5 yr old because I can promise you, there will be no straight faces when I have to warn my kids against the dangers of sticking vodka soaked tampons up their orifices and downing beer up their butts. Or would that be upping beer down their asses? Oh what the the hell.. That little convo will totally be passed on to their Dad. I'm guessing he won't have an easy time with that either. It would probably start out a little something like this "Now I know you both aren't stupid enough to do this, but if I find either one of you stealing your mother's tampons you had better be bleeding or it's your ass! No wait, the tampon does NOT go up your ass. Anyway, Aidan I realize you are somewhat exempt from this conversation but just know that you have absolutely NO need for cotton on a string. Oh, and stay the hell away from the Vodka! Do you have any questions?"

Well, talk amongst yaselves! Can I just say how difficult it is to type while doing a handstand? I'm testing out the validity of this whole booty beer bong thing.

I'll let you all know how that works out. whoooo hoooooooo!!!

Humor-Blogs.com

I relinquish my Mom of the year award and give it to....

Disclaimer- The above child is NOT mine and I am in no way kin to this child in any way, shape, or form so please do to not send CPS in my direction. I do not even know the parents of this child. I also do not condone the wasteful use of the duct tape or the dreadful display of animal cruelty in the above picture. My name is Candice, and I approve this message.

I'm not even sure where to start. I'm going to go ahead and visualize a scenario. My visualization includes a Dad named Bubba, a couple of cases of Olympia Beer, lots of Marlboro's, a plethora of duct tape and nothing but time on his hands. Mama is hard at work at Wal-Mart thus the reason Bubba had to "babysit". Bubba got a call from Jim Bob with an important message that there is a brand new dancer at their local hang out "The Pole". Not only does she dance "good" but she's got a mouth full of teef (all 9 of them!) as opposed to the regular dancers that they always see.




Aint she purty?

It was at this point that Bubba had to put his thinking cap on. He knew that he couldn't count on anyone else to watch his baby since they were either out playing bingo or mud bogging. Decisions, decisions... "Well, I do got all that extra duct tape out back from when my winder in my truck busted out" he thought to himself..

Viola! Baby duct tape snuggli. Brilliant!

Now as Bubba's wife I would have some serious problems with the above picture.

1. That's an awful lot of wasted duct tape.
2. Can you imagine how the removal of said duct tape with ruin the paint job on the wall? I mean really, is that necessary?
3. I can't believe Hank the duck is being totally strangled! WTF??

Now let me just mention that I would be pleased with the crisscross pattern of duct tape in the groin area. That was done to even out that weight distribution wasn't it Bubba? You so smart!

I love yew so much. You are the bomb diggity father. I'm fixin' to go all out and prepare your favorite meal for dinner. Dinty Moore and spam straight from the can. Oh, and I stole some of that fancy linger-ray from the intimates department from work. You like?




Humor-Blogs.com

Ghetto shopping cart rides again!

Luckily it wasn't ME this time. I just got a phone call from my husband who just so happens to be at Wal-Mart at the present time(unfortunate bastard) that went a little something like this...

Brent- CLANK CLANK CLANK.. Hello! CLANK CLANK CLANK

Me- Hey, what's up?

Brent- CLANK CLANK I decided to come to Wal-Mart after stopping by Lowe's. CLANK CLANK... I'm here in the pharmacy section looking for shampoo and body wash for the kids.. CLANK CLANK CLANK Can you think of anything else we might need? CLANK CLANK CLANK

Me- I rattle off approximately 50 things that we don't have on the list but he can go ahead and get since he's there anyway..

Brent- CLANK CLANK CLANK I clearly have found the loud ghetto cart again by the way.. CLANK CLANK CLANK

Me- No shit? Why didn't you get another one? I would be totally embarrassed if I were you..

Brent- CLANK CLANK CLICKITY CLANK Because they all suck, that's why. CLANK CLANK CLANK

After looking for kid bodywash for 90 minutes he asks....

Brent - So what flavor should I get for Taylor? CLANK CLANK CLANK

Me- She's coming downstairs now. Ask her.

conversing ensues..

Taylor- Well, I like both cucumbers and melon so let's go with cucumber melon. Uh, daddy what's that CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK noise?

Me- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HAA HA!




Humor-Blogs.com

Pay it forward.. No wait, DON'T!

Now surely I'm not alone in this. Please tell me that I'm not the only one that has those few family and friends that actually believe that if you don't follow through and forward some lame ass email around within 15 minutes that you will

1. Die or someone in your family will die.
2. have bad luck for 20 years and you will eventually wish you were dead.
3. God will have his feelings hurt because he will think that you don't believe in him.
4. Your in-laws will move in with you and you will once again wish you were dead.
5. Your penis will decrease in size by 73%.
6. Aliens will come down from Mars and give you an anal probe in your sleep.

See where I'm going with this? It's ridiculous! I continue to get these emails. I used to get them non-stop from my mother but I finally told her enough was enough and I may have threatened her with some type of bodily harm but I can't remember for sure.

Most of the forward emails I get these days are the ones that say if you forward it off to so many people you will get (insert store or restaurant gift card here) What's odd is that the people I get these chain emails from aren't "slow" or retarded in any way, so the fact that they believe that by forwarding an email they are going to magically get money in the mail is beyond me. That's like saying forward this email to 10 people and by noon tomorrow you will spontaneously begin to shit 100 dollar bills out of your arse. Uh, probably not likely. Just like getting a $500 Macy's gift card for hitting a forward button also isn't likely. However, sign me up if it's true! Baby needs a new pair of shoes and a hole patched in her wall...

Humor-Blogs.com

I gots to get me some of THAT!

There is a Sushi place close to our house that I just so happen to LOVE! Brent made it a point to get their menu and bring it home for future referencing. I heard laughter coming from his office and then he walks up to me with the menu and says..

"I'm guessing your probably not going to be a big fan of the crapmeat wraps."

"Say what?" I asked

Then I was instructed to look at the menu a little more closely. I have it marked for your convenience...



I'm guessing what they really meant was CRAB meat (at least I hope so!), but that's okay. They are much better at preparing Sushi than they are with their spellcheck and I'm totally fine with that.


Humor-Blogs.com

You just wait til your Daddy gets home!

Ah yes, I love it when I have to say that. I try not to do it very often because I don't want my kids to think I can't throw down in the punishment arena because I do very well actually. I'm just short on nerves today and I need a stiff one. A stiff drink you pervert.. I was planning on getting my buzz on because Brent is coming home after being out of town this week. However, being the responsible adult that I am, I was waiting to get wasted closer to when his flight would be landing just in case the kids needed adult supervision. ;) Turns out he's just now in Atlanta after a flight delay so fuck it, it's mojito time.

So, would you like to know why I had to say the above statement in the blog title? Okay, I'll tell you.

The kids were upstairs in the game room playing, running around, laughing their asses off, etc. I always know that this period will be short lived before one or both of them run downstairs bitching, moaning, complaining or crying that the other one did something to cause them some type of mental, physical, or emotional distress. It's totally predictable and happens all the time. You don't even have to be Miss Cleo to have that psychic prediction. Turns out there was a period of total silence after the incessant cackling and goofing around... I hypothesize that this must have been the time when they were working out the details of which one of them would be the bearer of bad news to tell me that there is now a FUCKING HOLE in my wall!

Turns out Taylor was either trying to install a glory hole in our wall or her hand stand wasn't much of a success. I'm going to go with the latter... After her verbal lashing she went to her room but luckily Aidan was more than happy to point out the lovely new hole in the wall. After closer inspection I have realized that Sheetrock isn't very thick. I think that wall could have been farted on and it still would have collapsed in. What the hell kind of construction is that anyway? I remember back in the day when houses were carved from stone and shit. They were indestructible. Those days are apparently history.

Mojito # 2 and it's almost beddie bye for the kids. Awwww yeah!

Humor-Blogs.com

Headline: World's tallest man becomes a proud papa

Hmm, want to know what I think when I see this picture?

1. Holy shit that dude is tall.

2. His pimp cane is as tall as his wife.

3. I hope he hasn't had anything to eat that could make him gassy or else his wife is going to get blown to kingdom come as she is in the direct line of fire.

4. No really.... this guy is freakishly tall!

5. I wonder what size shoe he wears?

6. Speaking of shoe size, how is it that he didn't split that woman in half with his manhood?? I bet it's roughly about the size of a fence post. There is no way that could have been an enjoyable experience.

7. I've always wanted to spend a romantic love making session staring into my significant others belly button while doing the deed. Yeah baby, yeah!

and last but not least...

8. I would bet my life that she has a "tip only" rule. That's the only reason she's still alive today. Do I really need to elaborate on this????

Humor-Blogs.com

The unthinkable has happened

Well, I have gone and done it now. I have been awarded with the Super Mom/Mother of the Year Award! I'm pretty stoked, but to be honest I've gotten this prestigious award before. It's been a while and my other awards have been collecting dust in the garage, but they are there. Promise.. Let's talk about my actions that led up to my past and present awards.

Let's see... I taught my first born the importance of the middle finger at a very early age. She knew from the start that form and technique were the key to a good bird flipping. So what's she flipping ME off for? Because she's hair challenged that's why.

It was also my job to make sure that Taylor followed in my footsteps to become an extreme animal lover. Look at my future PETA member in all of her glory.

Love the Kitty Taylor...


No baby. Mommy said LOVE the kitty!!



Now for the following scenario, I not only got mother of the year for putting some random nasty ass germ infested sombrero on myself and my baby, but I also received runner up for douchebag of the year for wearing overalls. Oy! I've since learned that overalls should be kept on the farm.



Once my baby girl grew some hair, I also made it be known that proper hair presentation should be paid close attention to. Apparently she missed the memo that one bow at a time would have been sufficient. I let her go out in public like this...




I also recall a moment that Taylor and I shared in a public Kohl's bathroom when she was about the same age as she was in the picture above. The bathroom was packed full of people and it was quiet. Well, it was quiet until Taylor decided to pipe up and say "REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU STUCK THAT THING UP MY BUTT AND SQUEEZED MY BUTT FULL OF WATER? WHY YOU DID THAT?"

Aww, shit!

I can only imagine what the old ladies were thinking. I stick things up my kids ass!?! How dare I do such a thing! I bet they thought about calling CPS! What they didn't realize is that I had to give my kid an enema (per drs orders) because she was full of shit. Literally.... She clearly was traumatized by the event and so was I.

Now it's Aidan's turn..

I know you are confused, but no this isn't Hitler as a baby. It's my second born spawn. Unfortunately, I had a pretty good time making fun of him for looking like Hitler. He comes complete with identical hand motion and chocolate stashe.



See the resemblance?



I thought it was important to get digital proof of Aidan getting in touch with his feminine side and I fully plan on showing this to his first girlfriend.




And this...





Oh, and this one too... Who says white boys can't dance?



Now for my current MOTY award. Can you guess what the following picture is?




Give up? It's my kids burnt to a crisp Poptarts that they were to enjoy before school yesterday. Unfortunately I didn't snap a picture of the burnt waffles that I made last week. Anyway, the burnt-tarts were ruined in the toaster oven as I was typing up a blog. Apparently I took a little longer than I expected. I did notice that they were frying before they actually caught fire so that was a plus. See what I do for the sake of entertainment? As you might imagine, the blackened Poptarts didn't really get a very warm reception by the kiddos so I tossed them outside for the dog to eat where he displayed a similar reaction.












Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who made this award possible. It's such an honor and a pleasure to call it my own. I aspire to be the best super mom that I can be, and I know that I will receive many more awards in the future.

By the way, I do have a substantial therapy account started for both of my kids as I know it will come in handy for them some day.

Humor-Blogs.com

New use for your dirty underwear.. besides just crapping in them

Thanks to my friend Peg, I was turned on to these lovely things. Yes, they look like your regular crapped in underwear but OH NO they are NOT! My friends, behold your new safe keeping shit stained underwear. Oh yes, tired of going to hotels and having the housekeeping staff steal your stuff? Are you worried about a home invasion robbery? No worries because these aren't your average dooked in underwear. You can hide things where the frank and beans typically reside in the snazzy velcro-closing fly. Put your money, jewels, and any important documents in that bad boy and you are good to go. Pretty good idea, no? If you were going to steal something would you think to rummage around in some shitty skivvies?

This actually made me thinking of other ways shit stained underwear could come in handy. Let's say you have an oversexed mate and you are ready for some rest. Why not walk around naked in these?

Not only are these underwear roughly the size of a California King sized sheet, but they have that sexy skid mark in them. Nice! I'm guessing any man is sure to get turned off by one or the other. Then again, there are some freaks out there that might find this to be a turn on. If that's the case you are in need of a new mate.

Now I know that my no nookie underwear will catch on like wildfire so I believe I will sell them for $20 bucks a shot. Skid mark included. I think it's a bargain!

Do I have any takers?

Humor-Blogs.com

Note to self: Cooking oil and Botox are NOT created equal

I saw a news story where a Korean woman thought it would be cool to fix her unsightly wrinkles by injecting her face with cooking oil. That's right, cooking oil. At what point do you think to yourself, "Self, I believe it's time that we INJECT our face with a tad bit cooking oil! Ah yes, that Wesson oil will suffice. It certainly must be like that silicone stuff they use in the Dr's office. There we go.. 2 ounces in the face. Beautiful! Now then, how about 7 ounces in the neck. Perfect. Aww crap... Now I don't have enough oil to fry my Dak Nal ke Jo Rim. Holy shit, why is my face blowing up like a balloon and melting off my head? Ain't this some bullshit?! I knew I should have went with the crisco!"


Hey lady? Here's your sign..



See the story with the disgusting picture of her face here. http://news.aol.com/health/article/woman-injects-cooking-oil-into-face/245927?icid=100214839x1212918871x1200806679

Alright kids, what's our lesson of the day? Cooking oil stays in the kitchen and the kitchen only, right? Well I can think of one other place it might belong but I'm going to just end it right here and tell you to leave it in the kitchen.

Humor-Blogs.com

Want to live longer? Give up the booty.

And by "give up the booty" I don't mean dispense ass at random. I mean give it up LITERALLY as in abstain from sex for the rest... of... your... life. Nope. You can't even masturbate. So there!

Hey, those aren't my rules. See my old lady hugging on her penis over there? Okay, so yes, I admit that added the giant penis in myself which I'm guessing is the reason for the downtrodden look Clara is displaying. Then again, maybe she just had some bad gas and she's not a fan big fan of digested prunes and coffee. Regardless, this is the 105 year old woman that states that the secret to her longevity has been due to remaining a virgin all of her long ass life. Here is a copy and paste of the article that I read on the subject with a few of my interjections thrown in for good measure.

Clara Meadmore, a retired secretary, who still has her own hair, teeth, and sharp wit, never had time for a family and lived alone until going into care.

You still have your own teeth? Aw hell, no man would want you anyway. You see, that is the ultimate goal for many men. They live for the day that their woman will eventually lose her teeth. You are 105 yrs old and still have all of yours? How in the hell did you manage to pull that off. You are British and everything! Hell, I don't even have all of MY teeth and I'm 32.

She said: "I've always had lots of platonic friendships with men but never felt the need to go further than that or marry."

So what you're really saying is that all of your male friends had tic-tac sized penises and were total douchebags? Ah, I get it now...

Miss Meadmore, who was born in Glasgow, and lived in Canada and New Zealand, before settling in Cornwall 40 years ago, also added that she had never had any interest in sex.

Liar...

"I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved and I have always been busy doing other things," she said.

Oh yes, alot of hassle involved. You are correct indeed. So what sort of "other things" were you busy with exactly? Playing bingo? cutting coupons? dying your hair blue? Please share... Did you know that sex really isn't that time consuming of a pastime with the majority of men? Most could have been in, out and on with their lives in 5 minutes flat.

"When I was a girl you only had sex with your husband and I never married. I grew up in an era where little girls were to be seen and not heard so I had to learn to stand up for myself and earn my own living.

My oh my how times have changed. I'm guessing that you did NOT dabble in prostitution.

"Some men don't like that in a woman and before long I was too old to marry anyway."

I always say it's amazing how fast the years fly by. All ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE OF THEM!

Miss Meadmore has never owned a television, but she enjoys the radio, and is a particular fan of the BBC Radio 4 Woman's Hour programme. She also enjoys cooking, gardening and reading.

So what this really means is in addition to not getting any D all her life, she's also a very boring person. Noted...

She saved up her salary and spent the money going on walking tours in many parts of Britain in the 1920s and 1930s, and she still has the diaries of the trips.

See above comment as it also applies here. I wonder what those journal entries looked like. They were most likely written on scroll...

Day 1. We walked today. My feet hurt.

Day 2. More walking.. Feet still hurt. I have a blister in between my 3rd and 4th toe. It sucks.. Shoe quality in this era can only be described as SHIT. Actually, the sandals Jesus wore are still in style and I admit that they are not really the best "walking shoe" but I will carry on regardless.

Day 3. A man tried to talk to me today. I walked faster.

A friend, Jose Harvey, who has known her for 30 years, said: "She was fiercely independent and believed in doing things her own way, and that allowed her to live a long life.
"She has kept a great interest in what is going on in the world and she is a wonderful source of information."

What he also said that never made it into the article was.. "I also tried to tag that ass on numerous occasions but to no avail. When I say "fiercely independent" what I really mean is that the bitch was stubborn with the cho-cha. I thought for sure she would become demented eventually and I would be able to take advantage of her at that point but it's not looking too good as she's already 105 FREAKING YEARS OLD!! To be honest I really don't know if I want any part of her va-jay jay anyway. The other day as she hobbled down the hall I heard it creeeeeeeek. I'm fairly certain that the janitor also had to follow behind her to sweep up the dust and cobwebs that fell from her nether region. I'm guessing that could chafe my boys and that's just not cool."

Miss Meadmore is due to celebrate her 105th birthday on Saturday at a party at the Perran Bay nursing home in Perranporth, Cornwall.

No men will be allowed to attend the party. Sorry boys.

Humor-Blogs.com

More fun with language barriers. No I'm not making this shit up

Remember the Subway post where I tried to get Maria, my non-English speaking sandwich maker to toss my super cool 6 incher that Sparky the Wonder Fly had waltzed all over? After 10 minutes and some extra help from random stranger participation I was able to get a new sandwich... Remember that? Yeah, well I think I met Maria's sister at Kroger in the baking department.

Let me just start this off by saying ...

1. I was running late for work

2. The road I normally take to work was closed and I had about a 10 minute detour and everyone else was taking the same detour as I was..

3. I began to strap on my green muscles and become enraged at the cluster fuck traffic jam.

4. I also had to stop by the store to purchase a farewell cake for "Don" a fellow co-worker of mine that was moving away.

Now then, once I made it to Kroger I quickly picked out his cake. I peered behind the baking counter and noticed Juanita, Dora (da da da da da Dora) Gloria and some random old white lady that looked too busy to be bothered. The following conversation took place.

Juanita- "Ches? Hello can I help u?"

Aw shit... here we go.

Me- "Yes, hi. I just need to you write Good Luck Don on this cake if you could."

Juanita- Smacking her chicle and looking at me sideways "Oh okay"

She took the lid off of the cake and asked..

Juanita- " unintelligible ..ock dom?

what the hell did she just say??

Me- "No. DOOOOON. DON. GOOD LUCK DON. Yes?"

Juanita- "Si.. ches. Okay"

this is going to be interesting

Now I know that many of you are probably wondering why I didn't just write down what I wanted so she could have a visual to go by. Well I didn't have time for that crap. Oh, and I sort of assumed that people around here could speak some freaking engles! Not to mention aren't bakers typically able to write simple messages on edible creations that they make? I mean, that's sort of a given right? Apparently not in these parts. It wasn't difficult. I didn't want her to write anything overly complex on the cake. "GOOD LUCK DON". That's it.

Anyway, she begins to write the message and after asking once again if it was DOM I wanted to wish "unintelligible ... ock dom" to, I once again reminded her that it was GOOD LUCK DON.

Moron ended up writing "GON LUCK DON"

Son of a bitch! that doesn't even make sense!

Me- "Uh, no. GOOD not GON. Can you just change the N to and O and add the other O and D to it. I don't care if it's messy at this point. It just needs to say good. Okay?"

Juanita- hehe "Oh ches. So sorry"

Okay folks. This is what I ended up with.

GOD LUCK DON? Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I thought to myself. I took my God cake and walked away as fast as I could because I didn't want to catch the stupid that the woman was emitting from her pores.

How do you say stick it up your ass in Spanish?

Humor-Blogs.com

I got your Veteran right here! Bootcamp edition

Yes, I'm apparently a Veteran. I was reminded of this as my daughter came home from school the other day asking for a picture of me when I was in the Army. When I inquired as to why I needed to drudge up some horrible picture of myself, I was asked "Well, you ARE a Veteran aren't you? I have a school project that I need to do for Veteran's Day and I need a picture of you" I had to think about whether or not I was a Veteran for a moment.

Technically I was in the Army, but I certainly don't feel like a real veteran. You see, I joined up back in the day before the shit hit the fan in the Middle East. I also got OUT of the Army right before the shit hit the fan in the Middle East so I don't really feel like I contributed much. I'm lucky and I'm also a giant pansy ass so it ended up working out very well for me.

Many people actually think I'm lying to them if the subject of my days in the military come up. I suppose I don't seem like the Army type. What is the Army type you ask? Heck, I want to know too.

Were you thinking something along those lines? Maybe you were wondering as to WHY I decided to join the Army. Well, I'm going to be honest. It wasn't because I had this insatiable desire to protect my country, although that sounds lovely in theory. I was 19 at the time, and the fact of the matter is that I had been to four different colleges in two years and I had absofreakinglutely NO idea as to what I was going to do with my life. I began to feel guilty that I was being a nomadic college student all on my parents tab so I thought "Hey, might as well risk life and limb (even though I wasn't aware of it at the time) and join on up!"

I was also thinking how cool it would be to find myself surrounded by men in uniform. I could get my student loans paid off. I would get to travel the world and meet new people and see new things. I would also have to work out every day and that would be a guaranteed way to stay in shape. See, clearly I had realistic priorities and they were all in order. Fortunately after asking around my other Army buddies they had the exact same priorities so there was no need for me to feel bad about mine. Except they really didn't care about men in uniform or staying in shape. Not one of them said "I joined up because I want to protect my country".. Sad. I even admit it.

So finally the day arrived when I was shipped off to dreaded boot camp. I was primed and ready to go. I already had my mind made up that I would not be broken no matter what! I knew that the drill sergeants would be yelling obscene things in my face and I wasn't going to care. I was going to remain an unknown name and be very very quiet. I was also hoping that they would be cute because it was going to be a long and tortuous 8 weeks if not.

Turns out I did have a hot Drill Sergeant. I would like to take this time to thank Drill Sergeant Clayton. It was a pleasure staring at your ass for 8 weeks.

Oh, and I definitely was NOT broken, but I also didn't remain quietly in the background even though I tried with all my might. Once they stripped us of all of our precious belongings (no cute underwear, no regular clothes, no MAKE-UP, no candy, no anything!) I think it became apparent to the people around me what I missed most. That was #1 candy and #2 Makeup. That order was subject to change depending on my mood. So as punishment the above a-hole made me get up in front of the whole platoon which was co-ed by the way, and they used my mug as an example as how to apply camo face paint. Apparently they overheard me bitching about not having my make-up and wanted teach me a lesson. Whatever. Anyway, I was slightly embarrassed because I looked alot like this.. Not cute!

But I made the most of it. I actually used the black paint in my camo compact as makeshift mascara so as to not look like a dude for the full 8 weeks. Nobody noticed, but I felt better so that's all that matters. Then for our sexual education/safety class that involved several platoons (yes we had a sex ed class.. and yes people found a way to get their groove on even in basic training anyway) all of the Drill Sergeants chose ME to get up in front of hundreds of people to slip a freaking condom on a banana. What are the odds, really?

"Isn't this sexual harassment?" I asked half assed jokingly

"What did you say PRIVATE!?" they yelled at me

"Okay.." I said as I grabbed my banana and condom

So I had to endure that humiliation as well. Luckily the banana was aroused enough for me to slip the jimmy hat on and everyone was able to have such an educational experience. Just imagine all of the unwanted pregnancies that I was able to prevent with my vast fruit and latex knowledge...

I mentioned earlier that my other vice that I had to go without was candy. I love gummy bears, gummy worms, sour worms, gummy bugs, skittles, sweet tarts, sprees etc etc etc. There was no way I could go 8 weeks without some substantial glucose. So when we were able to go to the PX (Think Army Wal-Mart except with no obese people on scooters) I bought 3 large bottles of vitamin C and ate ALL of them within a week. It was probably more like 3 1/2 days if I'm being honest. People let me tell you, if vitamin C was wrong then I didn't want to be right! It was orgasmic. I'm not sure if I endured any long term health effects due to my large vitamin C consumption, but it was well worth it if I did.

Eventually we were also able to get packages from our family about half way through our training. I instructed my mother to send me "the goods" and she came through. One day a huge package arrived and everyone watched me open it with anticipation. To everyone's dismay my huge box contained all of my Victoria's Secret lotion, shampoo and conditioner, and I then became the best smelling bitch in the bay. It was heaven. Trust me, there were some foul smelling broads that I had to share a living space with. I will admit that it was very odd being forced to be herded like cattle into the shower area and be butt ass naked in front of complete strangers. I was mortified when I first found out what our showering arrangement was. "Uh, where are the fing shower curtains?" was my first thought and "what the f*ck are you looking at?" was my second thought. I got over my shower fright fairly quickly as the days wore on. Unfortunately others did not. Some ladies decided to get clean via a method that I dubbed the "bird bath" method. This is where they basically got "clean" by washing off in the sink. I use the term washing off loosely by the way. One particular crazy girl would stand naked in front of the sink, prop her leg up on the HIGH sink ledge and shave her legs with all of her lady business hanging out in the open for everyone to see. I never looked at it as I feared it would turn me to stone somewhat like starting at the face of Medusa. I also avoided that particular sink like the plaque when I brushed my teeth for obvious reasons. Needless to say this lady also didn't have many friends due to the fact that she was batshit crazy, but I'm sure you probably could figure that out on your own. Most normal people don't stand naked in front of a sink and shave their legs all propped up on said sink with their labia on display, but I digress...

Now at the end of our basic training experience we were forced to hike 10 miles with a heavy ass rucksack, M16 at the ready, and in full BDU's. BDU's would be battle dress uniform for all of you uneducated civilians.. Did I mention that it was hot and humid as hell in Ft. Jackson South Carolina in the summer? We were also told that we had to dig a trench in the hard ground and sleep in it over night. SAY WHAT??

To add insult to injury we were also told that we needed to be alert because we were supposed to have a simulated attack and we could be gassed, so it was wise to sleep with our gas masks on. All I could say is that it was a damn good thing I brought my Victoria's Secret lotion and shampoo/conditioner along for the ride because I could get a little gamey with all of this trench digging sleeping outside while being gassed nonsense. This time I was the best smelling bitch in the woods.

Luckily I made it through unscathed and I was able to graduate and go on to bigger and better things. I know you now feel so comfortable knowing that I was one of the many that was protecting the great USA. Here I am after graduation with no make-up on. I'm with my nephew and my newborn niece that I'm just letting dangle in my lap because I care. Babies with no neck control? Ah, screw em and just them them lie limp in your lap. It's all good!

I would seriously like to take this time to thank all of the veterans that really have gone above and beyond to protect our country. I salute you. I think I still know how to do that anyway... :)

Humor-Blogs.com

A letter from Bailey the dog

To who dis may concern, (Candass)

Look, I appreciate the fact that I was rescued from that shit hole (SPCA) a couple of years ago and was welcomed into your home. I've really enjoyed all of the attention that I've been given, and all of the frequent meals... even the ones that give me a bit of gas and diarrhea. Oh and by the way, yes I hear you bitching about my "deadly foul ass" and I do feel badly about it. Just be thankful that I left your room to blow ass in home boy's office. I sort of figured you would see how I got yo back, but I guess not.

I've also really enjoyed the sheer lap of luxury that I've been living in compared to my old life. I was stuck in that cage with all of those other mutts. Bark Bark Bark... that's all I heard. Scratching my own ass became the highlight of my day. I would have said licking my own nuts was the highlight of my day but the SPCA CUT THEM OFF! Not that I'm still bitter or feel less of a man or anything.. I even managed to read The Shawshank Redemption over time. I borrowed it from Roco the Boxer dog. Dude had the mange and halitosis somethin fierce! Anyway, I had the perfect escape plan, but then you came along to save me.

Now my days are spent (as you well know) lying around in either my bed or yours... all damn day. It's heaven. I never knew I could have it so good. I've even enjoyed snuggling with that little dude. He's pretty cool except for when he's not. I will say that it really pisses me off when he pretends that I'm a mini horse and tries to take me for a ride. Luckily I'm not a mean dog or I would have chewed his damn nose off by now. You might want to clue a brotha in on the fact that I may not always be nice and if he doesn't want to look like ..

then he better recognize! I don't want to be bitter towards little dude. We've had some good memories too. Remember that day we spent that afternoon singing WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.. WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO!!

Yeeah, those were some good times. Little homie has some groove in him for a white boy. I know he gets that from you, Candass. Cause you got it goin on. I've seen that Brent guy try to dance and I totally agree with you. He needs to NEVER do that again.

Now this is where the tone of the letter changes, home girl. My life hasn't always been good since I've joined the family and you need to be aware of that. My main bone of contention.. ahem, you like how I incorporated BONE in there? That's no accident woman, that's a hint. I need more bones. You used to give me those massive bones on a weekly basis, and now I'm lucky to get boned once a month. Hook it up or else I will chew on the furniture. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my main bone of contention.. The cats. Those furry bastards think they are running things around here don't they? I don't care that they were here before I was, yo. I'm tired of getting treated like a second class citizen. Frankly, I think they are racist if you really want the truth. Are they scared of the black dog? Afraid of what the black dog is capable of? Don't trust the black dog? If anyone is untrustworthy it's them.

I hear you talking to those cats and I'm aware of their rules. You know how you have the no cats on the table or counter top rule because all you can think of are their aholes getting suction cupped to the surface area? Well I don't blame you. That shit be wack, yo! You do know that as soon as you walk out that door to leave the house, those cats jump right up where they aren't supposed to be and have a suction cup party? No wait, they go and take a crap and THEN hop on the counter for their suction cup party. Pretty foul right? Hell Yeeeeeah. I think so too.

Now that isn't even the worst part. . . Want to know the BIG kicker? Those cats be gay. Now I know you are tolerant of that and you believe in peace, love, harmony and all that bullshit, but this is some tomfoolery! I came from the SPCA where unspeakable things happened to me so please excuse my behavior towards your homosexual cats. I just get tired of their relationship being thrown in my face all day.. Check this shit out

Gayness in the bathroom

And the bathroom gayness continues..


I almost busted a cap in his ass for tying to show me his sack!

This type of crap makes me want to go back to the SPCA

So does this...

Caught in the act and orange cat ain't happy about it!

Now to be honest, I could probably tolerate the cats' and their homosexual behavior, but then they had to try and get me involved. They wanted me to do some kinky shit, yo. They wanted me to pretend that I was back in the SPCA all caged up and shit. They wanted to do unspeakable things to each other while I watched. Then they wanted me to join in. Here is the proof!

Bastards! I still feel violated :(

That orange cat is the worst one of the two of them. He tries to get me to look at him in compromising situations and what not. It's disgusting, yo!

AWW HELL NO!

Please know that if this shit is allowed to continue, I will walk my black ass out of this house in search for a better life. Then again, I doubt it will be better as you have provided for me in ways that I can't even begin to thank you for. However, I draw the line at gay cats. Sorry. I'm propositioned daily and at this point it's worse than what I went through at the SPCA. I woke up last night to the black and white cat sniffing my booty. I mean, I sleep pretty heavily so I may have had an anal probe and just was not aware of it.

What I'm really saying is that I think it's time for the cats to go.

Love,

Bailey the (STRAIGHT) dog (aka Big Pimpin, Blacky Lawless, Jigga Man, B Dawg, Stank Ass, Fart Master, B Dizzie)

Humor-Blogs.com

This could get ugly

No this has absolutely nothing to do with the result of last night's presidential election. As a matter of fact I could care less about that right now. What I'm really concerned about is the health of my GI tract. Let me explain.

You know it's a good day when your main concern is trying to figure out what you are hungry for at lunchtime. The house is immaculate, the laundry is done. . . I just need to eat. Okay then, what do I want? Hmm, soup doesn't sound good. I'm tired of chili... I ate a burned pizza yesterday so I will pass on that for today. I'm unsure as to when I purchased that untouched POUND of Boar's Head turkey meat in the fridge, so I should probably just toss that. Bummer.. Wait! What's this? Ah, yes Tuna Helper could be a distinct possibility." I think to myself

I dance over to the stove with my box in hand. I'm dancing because I've got the Bose blaring some "shit music" according to my husband AND I'm alone. That automatically requires me to act a damn fool. I think the -I'm about to eat Tuna dance- was actually quite inspiring. Whatever. Anyway, I prepare the tuna helper quickly because that's the point of crappy boxed meals. Then I eat. It's not a 5 star meal by a long shot but it will work because I'm lazy. Now that I'm finished dining I begin to pick up after myself and put the milk away. You were aware that Tuna Helper calls for 1 cup of milk right? Now at this point I do a triple take and probably look somewhat like this...

Then I think this to myself..

"What the F*ck is this sludge on the inside of the milk carton??"

Aww HELL NO!! Please don't tell me.. I look frantically for the expiration date Best if used by Nov 11th. JESUS!! What's the date?!?! Oh, yes it's the 5th. Too bad that date verification did nothing to ease my fears about he sludge on the inside of the carton. It's brand new milk?!? WTF?!?

Then I did the tried and true sniff test. It smelled like nothing which is a damn good thing at this point. I occluded one nare to make sure that my sinuses weren't stuffed up and tricking me into thinking the milk was good when in fact it really smelled like curdled ass. CHECK Then I occluded the other one. CHECK All clear. Phew...

Now what? I've already ingested the possible contaminated Tuna Helper so it's somewhat pointless to freak out, but I am. I begin feeling flushed with a tinge of nausea thrown in. I'm also pissed. The carton says BEST USED BY NOV 11th! If I waited any longer to use this milk I would have been cooking with fresh freaking yogurt! ASSHOLES!

So now I'm deciding whether or not I should run to the bathroom to stick my finger down my throat or just hold off and anticipate the gastrointestinal distress that is sure to come. I'm screwed either way it seems. . . I'm also considering just getting my milk straight from the source next time to ensure there is no date mix up. Somewhat like the lady below is doing.

Unfortunately that will never happen because I prefer my milk to be pasteurized and fully watered down. According to my family I don't drink "REAL MILK". I drink white water. You probably cant get skim milk out of those teets huh?

I guess I'll go and wait for my bowels to explode now.

Humor-Blogs.com

President Obama's Balls has a special announcement for Jessie Jackson

So dude wins the presidency and now he's too big for his britches. His balls are all like "Hey, I've got a voice now and I've got shit to say, yo!"

I will add that Barack's nads are pretty witty but boy do they have a mouth on them! I'm actually blushing right now. I'm also uncomfortable with the racial slurs that the testicles spew forth (pun intended), but I figure hey, they are BARACK'S BALLS after all.

Now damnit I'm a Republican, but I think Barack's nuts are cute and very well groomed. Speaking as a woman, I can appreciate that. One thing I am disappointed in is his nuts choice of attire. Dude, get Michelle to hook you up with some new duds. You look like you haven't changed outfits since the 1960s. I would imagine that you reek of must and mothBALLS. One more thing, can someone clear up as to why the family jewels need a cane? Is his sack handicapped or disabled in some way? Thank God health care reform is on its way...

Anyway, thank your Mr. President for your humorous balls. I hope we see them more often.


Humor-Blogs.com

Rock the vote!

Well ladies and gents, I wasn't going to exercise my right to vote today because I've got a full load on my plate.

• Go to gym at 8:30 for "bootcamp" class where instructor has personal vendetta against you and will try to break you by making you do all kinds of random shit that will make your heart beat at a rate so fast that you think you will croak on site.

• Go home and eat breakfast, do laundry, bathroom cleaning, kitchen cleaning, vacuum the whole damn house, fold laundry, eat Halloween candy, put away laundry, eat more Halloween candy, and decide what you will cook later for dinner.

• Look up numbers for another housekeeping service because doing it solo blows. Not all of them will suck like the last group of ladies that you used, and even if they do so what?

• Make sure there is enough liquor in the house for tonight as you have a feeling you might need it.

• Eat the crispy ass Southbeach pizza that you almost burned for lunch... or just hit the Halloween candy again. Your choice..

As you can see, it's been a pretty rough day so far and I wasn't sure if I would have time to wait in line to cast my vote.



Then I saw the above clip and figured that I needed to go and cast my vote to try and cancel out at least one vote of the idiots that actually believe this shit.

Oh and just in case there are undecided douche bag voters like the lady in the above clip in the DFW area, I just want to let you know that they are giving free hand jobs, blow jobs and cunnilingus to all of those voting Republican at the voting location of 3568 areyouafuckingidiot Ln in Dallas Tx.

See you there!

Humor-Blogs.com

Apparently there is a reason dogs shouldn't eat Mexican food

Last night I went to our favorite Mexican food place to bring back some grub to feast on. Combo fajitas, chips and queso for Brent and myself and a burrito something or other for the kiddos, just in case you were wondering.

Bailey the dog typically will come and sit by me because he knows I will give up the goods if he's patient enough. This involves him doing subtle tricks like "waving" with both paws and looking pathetic until I give him a tortilla or two or three. I don't usually eat them anyway, so I figure what the hell. I also don't eat the beans and rice (because it sucks ass) so it ends up getting thrown away.

Last night, however, I was feeling sorry for the dog. He looked hungry for beans and rice so I stopped Brent before he dumped it all in the trash.

"Just give bailey that food. Why waste it?" I said

"What do you want me to do with the rest of this queso? Do you want it?" Brent asked

"Pour it on Bailey's food. He will eat it." I told him

"He's got DOG FOOD." he said in a smart assed tone

"How would you like to eat the same boring shit day in and day out?" I pointed out

"You are going to regret this." He said as he poured the food in the dog bowl.

Naturally Bailey jumped up to devour his food as soon as Brent was finished pouring it into his bowl.

Now then, let's skip to this afternoon. I walked into Brent's office to make some random comment and it was at that point that I noticed a green haze in the air and smelled something that could only be described as decaying ass. I was making mental deductions in my mind as to WHOS ass said funk came from. Brent looked at me and must have seen the foul look on my face and before I even said any kind of smart assed remark he blurted....

"Your dog is over here blowing ass thanks to all of that Mexican food YOU wanted to give him."
"Woah... you are just sitting here breathing that in? Put his ass outside! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It was your idea...." He said as though the dog farting in HIS office was hurting me in any way. Frankly I was afraid that he was going to let one loose and end up shitting on the rug. The dog.. not Brent. I would have for sure had an issue at that point.

I was also alerted by the kids that Bailey has had a bout of diarrhea in the back yard as well. Aidan took me out to look at it but luckily it was too dark, and there was no way I was going to step in ANY part of the grass to look for a puddle of dog shit in the dark and risk stepping in it.

I was left with this comment on the subject by Brent..

"The next time you have the bright idea to feed the dog Mexican food, I will shut you both in the bedroom and nail the door shut so that you can get the full experience of the dog's ass."

And this is what the dog said...

Humor-Blogs.com