Have you ever had one of those days where you said to yourself "Self, is it bedtime yet? Because if it doesn't come soon, you will surely fuck something up in a serious kind of way." It's one of THOSE days for me. I'm afraid if I'm not sound asleep in my bed soon I will either burn the house down, shit myself, have a heart attack, give someone else a heart attack, injure or maim one of the animals, scar my kids for life, break a bone, or throw up. Not exactly in that order. Let me explain.
It all started at Wal-Mart and went downhill after that. My trip to Wal-Mart was actually a pleasant one, so no bitching from me there. The issue happened in the parking lot as I was putting my groceries away. I opened the back of my SUV and reached in to put my things away when IT happened. I looked up and saw a gigantic freaking spider headed towards me at warp speed all Little Miss Muffet style. He had web shooting out of his ass like nobody's business. He was apparently on a mission. (please forgive me if spiders do not actually shoot webs out of their asses. You may remember that I'm terrified of them, so I do not have vast physiological knowledge about this particular insect)It was at this point when my screams broke the sound barrier and I began to do the "HOLY FUCKING SHIT I THINK A SPIDER IS IN MY HAIR" dance. I ripped the clip from my hair and did my best cheesy 80's hair band moshing impression. Oh, and by the way, I'm still screaming all while I'm doing this. A real sight to behold, I'm sure. At some point my spastic dance must have gotten a little out of control because I turned my ankle, and the pain from that quickly made me focus my attention to something else other than the tarantula that may or may not have been nesting in my hair. After all the hoopla I looked up I saw at least 5 other people all standing around their vehicles just staring at me like I was a freaking lunatic. The looks on their faces were priceless. You could also hear crickets in the background. There was no are you okay? Do you need help? Did you forget to take your medication? or anything! Long story short, I'm the asshole they will be blogging about tonight.
So after gaining my composure, I had to stop by Blockbuster to return some movies. I went to use the night drop box and noticed a little bit too late that I had tossed a personal DVD in the slot. Then I had to walk around inside the store for 15 minutes to find an employee to help me get my Schlong in the City DVD back. Okay, so it wasn't Schlong In The City, but still I had to get the damn thing back. Note to self.. Pay afreakingtention!
Anyway, I came home and began to cook a 5 star dinner for the kids. It was a Macaroni kind of night. Don't hate. It was Kraft and everything. Okay fine, it was the damn Wal-Mart knock off version. Personally, I think it's much better than the Kraft stuff. Anyway, I put the noodles on to boil. Didn't manage to screw that part up or anything being that it's not exactly and arduous task. I DID, however, manage to fall asleep on the couch and was eventually rudely awakened to popping noises coming from the kitchen. I then realized that the noodles were a little past al dente. Never fear, they were salvageable and the kids ate it just fine. I rock! Then about 45 minutes later I realized that I, in fact, did NOT rock because I left the stove burner on. The indication of that was the blue flame shooting from the burner. I've said it before, I'm a firefighter's wet dream. I'm also a complete idiot. I admit it.
Next on the agenda of Candice blows at life today, is my homemade pizza cooking experiment. I was browning my ground meat and all was well in the world right up until it was time to add the seasonings. I grabbed my Costco size jug of Italian seasoning and realized that I opened the wrong fucking side of the lid. That was pretty apparent because I essentially tossed a metric ass load of the contents of the bottle on top of my meat! I was pissed! It looked as though I had a giant pile of fucking lawn clippings with a small side of meat. I used a spoon to try and scoop the majority of that crap off, but it wasn't going well. then I figured that maybe the Italian seasoning would be less noticeable ON the pizza itself since the other flavors would possibly cover up the overwhelming taste of the lawn clippings. Well, I started this post after I put my pizza in the oven. Things must cook really fast at 450 degrees, or I take too damn long to blog because my pizza is a little on extra crispy side. So NOW maybe the burnt pizza taste will cover up the massive amount of Italian seasoning on my pizza. Then again, Domino's might be able to help out with that as well.
Good news. It's time to tuck the kids in to bed for the night. I'm almost to the point where I can tuck myself in and hopefully wake up tomorrow less stupid. It remains to be seen!
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17 comments:
Blockbuster?
Are they still in business?
You know, to look at your hair, I wouldn't picture it for an infestation, but hey. I'm not here to judge.
Wait. Yes I am.
You know, I sit here and try to imagine what you must be like as a nurse, and I cant do it. I guess my wife does the same thing...just acts like she isnt a castrating control freak, and just focuses on the patient.
Im willing to bet that you are a sweetheart when your blogger audience isnt listening...but then again, I thought Enron was a pretty fucking good buy.
I hear you with the pasta from Walmart - cheaper and better. and I've done the same thing with the macaroni, but I don't see how it was salvagable. Every time I burn it to the bottom of the pan (yes, I do it nearly weekly) it's done for. No amount of water will fix it and I usually just resort to PB & J for the kids at that point... ;)
Remind me to tell you about the time the mouse at school tried to attack me. I still have nightmares.
Hopefully, you got some spider-free sleep. It is already a new day. Please screw it up so that you'll have something to post. You are so damn funny!
Jay- Yep, Blockbuster is still open. I keep them open with my late fees.
I'm a total sweetheart (except for when I'm not) and I'm practically Florence Nightingale at work. By reading my stuff here you wouldn't know that, but I figure you have to vent some place, right? ;)
RaBT- Well, the noodles weren't really "burned"to the bottom of the pan, but were definitely STUCK. They also resembled those big ass swimming pool noodles more than anything. We went from elbow pasta to Ziti. It's amazing what those bad boys can do when you boil them for an hour.
Beth- Attack mice at your school? The shit that you put up with... You poor thing. ;)
You and Wal-Mart just do not get along. Is there any Targets in your area?
My dad is also terrified of spiders. If there is anything I fear, it is politicians. But only in the sense that they keep trying to screw with our lives when they are not screwing with themselves and each other.
I think there needs to be a new square on WalMart Bingo...
Siren is that you?
Seriously, you need to have a film crew follow you around for some of this stuff. Did your parents have any kids that lived? ;)
Oh shit...I would have paid to be in the WM parking lot at that instance. I mean...are you okay?
And I had one of those evenings too...ever try to clean raw egg off the floor? Why is it that it doesn't seem to be nearly that much in the eggshell but it expands VERY quickly once it's dumped on the floor?
It would have been easier to bring the dog in and risk him getting salmonella.
No stare from me in WalMart, you would have heard
"See kids, THIS is why there are soo many drug commercials on TV"
LOL...
Those kind of days are the ones where you crawl back in bed and try to start over - even if you fake it.
Chris- Yes, there is a Target in my area as well but it's not as convenient to get to. It takes less than 5 minutes for me to get to WM, so that's why I tend to go there more and put up with the lower echelon of the gene pool. On my less than tolerant days, I definitely go to Target. It's safer for all involved.
Peg- No shit.
Human- Yep. I have a brother and a sister that are still alive and kicking. (knock on wood)
Brandy- My dog LOVES eggs. ;)
Average- Thanks. ha! I love to be a good example for others.
Days like the one you describe don't happen very often, but when they do, it makes going to the dentist sound like a picnic. It's amazing that you can be SO FUNNY about it. Latent stupidity grips us all from time to time... just usually not as much all at once. Have a glass of wine - no three - for me.
Sophia- I'd hate to imagine the carnage that I'd leave behind if I were tipsy on days like that. I would need supervision for sure. My husband has been out of town this week, so drinking has been out. I don't trust myself. ;)
Had a some what similar WM incident right before Christmas. We pulled into the parking space and as I was getting out of the car one of those WM parking lot pigeons came out from under the car next to me. It apparently wasn't expecting me to be there so it freaked and flew up at me. I screamed (like a big ol' baby) and tried to jump out of his way only to hit my freaking face on the car door. This caused me to go to my knees. My loving mother hearing the scream and seeing the commotion walked around the car to LAUGH at me. Sadly the parking lot was full of people who were all to happy to laugh at my stupid ass wallowing around in the parking lot.
Cassie- That's hilarious! I'm pretty sure beating your own ass (prompted by the pigeon of course) was yet another sight to behold. At least your mother was with you to comfort you. ;)
im sorry..that sounded funny :) we all have our moments. yours just scared half the kids in the surrounding areas. :)
Melissa- Yeah, just a typical day in my world. Scarring the youth of America one kid at a time.
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