How you know when you should just call it a damn day
Have you ever had one of those days where you said to yourself "Self, is it bedtime yet? Because if it doesn't come soon, you will surely fuck something up in a serious kind of way." It's one of THOSE days for me. I'm afraid if I'm not sound asleep in my bed soon I will either burn the house down, shit myself, have a heart attack, give someone else a heart attack, injure or maim one of the animals, scar my kids for life, break a bone, or throw up. Not exactly in that order. Let me explain.
It all started at Wal-Mart and went downhill after that. My trip to Wal-Mart was actually a pleasant one, so no bitching from me there. The issue happened in the parking lot as I was putting my groceries away. I opened the back of my SUV and reached in to put my things away when IT happened. I looked up and saw a gigantic freaking spider headed towards me at warp speed all Little Miss Muffet style. He had web shooting out of his ass like nobody's business. He was apparently on a mission. (please forgive me if spiders do not actually shoot webs out of their asses. You may remember that I'm terrified of them, so I do not have vast physiological knowledge about this particular insect)It was at this point when my screams broke the sound barrier and I began to do the "HOLY FUCKING SHIT I THINK A SPIDER IS IN MY HAIR" dance. I ripped the clip from my hair and did my best cheesy 80's hair band moshing impression. Oh, and by the way, I'm still screaming all while I'm doing this. A real sight to behold, I'm sure. At some point my spastic dance must have gotten a little out of control because I turned my ankle, and the pain from that quickly made me focus my attention to something else other than the tarantula that may or may not have been nesting in my hair. After all the hoopla I looked up I saw at least 5 other people all standing around their vehicles just staring at me like I was a freaking lunatic. The looks on their faces were priceless. You could also hear crickets in the background. There was no are you okay? Do you need help? Did you forget to take your medication? or anything! Long story short, I'm the asshole they will be blogging about tonight.
So after gaining my composure, I had to stop by Blockbuster to return some movies. I went to use the night drop box and noticed a little bit too late that I had tossed a personal DVD in the slot. Then I had to walk around inside the store for 15 minutes to find an employee to help me get my Schlong in the City DVD back. Okay, so it wasn't Schlong In The City, but still I had to get the damn thing back. Note to self.. Pay afreakingtention!
Anyway, I came home and began to cook a 5 star dinner for the kids. It was a Macaroni kind of night. Don't hate. It was Kraft and everything. Okay fine, it was the damn Wal-Mart knock off version. Personally, I think it's much better than the Kraft stuff. Anyway, I put the noodles on to boil. Didn't manage to screw that part up or anything being that it's not exactly and arduous task. I DID, however, manage to fall asleep on the couch and was eventually rudely awakened to popping noises coming from the kitchen. I then realized that the noodles were a little past al dente. Never fear, they were salvageable and the kids ate it just fine. I rock! Then about 45 minutes later I realized that I, in fact, did NOT rock because I left the stove burner on. The indication of that was the blue flame shooting from the burner. I've said it before, I'm a firefighter's wet dream. I'm also a complete idiot. I admit it.
Next on the agenda of Candice blows at life today, is my homemade pizza cooking experiment. I was browning my ground meat and all was well in the world right up until it was time to add the seasonings. I grabbed my Costco size jug of Italian seasoning and realized that I opened the wrong fucking side of the lid. That was pretty apparent because I essentially tossed a metric ass load of the contents of the bottle on top of my meat! I was pissed! It looked as though I had a giant pile of fucking lawn clippings with a small side of meat. I used a spoon to try and scoop the majority of that crap off, but it wasn't going well. then I figured that maybe the Italian seasoning would be less noticeable ON the pizza itself since the other flavors would possibly cover up the overwhelming taste of the lawn clippings. Well, I started this post after I put my pizza in the oven. Things must cook really fast at 450 degrees, or I take too damn long to blog because my pizza is a little on extra crispy side. So NOW maybe the burnt pizza taste will cover up the massive amount of Italian seasoning on my pizza. Then again, Domino's might be able to help out with that as well.
Good news. It's time to tuck the kids in to bed for the night. I'm almost to the point where I can tuck myself in and hopefully wake up tomorrow less stupid. It remains to be seen!