Uh, yeah. Not so much. I mean, from the neck up I've pretty much met my goal, but since Brent isn't going to be carrying around my head on the beach, I've got some serious fucking work to do. So I've got this new totally attainable goal to lose roughly 102 pounds in the next 43 days.I'm so motivated to make this happen, I managed to get myself to the gym this morning for a little workout. Spin class specifically. Yes, I do think I'm a glutton for punishment, and I figured a little bike seat wedged in my ass cutting off the circulation to all of my "action", while I simultaneously rode this little stationary bike so hard that my heart was going to explode, would be the perfect way to start my day and eventually meet my goal.
So I walked into the room to quickly find a bike. I notice that I have two options left. Sit by the lady who had pretty bad body odor before the class even fucking started, OR sit by the hot dude in the corner.
Would you like to take a guess at what I chose? Okay, take a minute. I'll wait......
Cue the Jeopardy music.
"Who is Mrs. Funky, Alex?"
"Oooooh, no sorry. She chose the hot dude in the corner."
I know, I know. Patrick Swayze always said, "nobody puts baby in a corner", but it was a no-brainer really. To the corner I went. Unfortunately, I figured out that I definitely chose the wrong bike about 5 minutes into the hour long class
WHAT A NEANDERTHAL that dude was! Seriously, I've never heard so much groaning, moaning, and grunting in all of my life!
"UGH. UGH. AGGGGGH!!!!"
"OOOOOOH. AHHHHH!!!! UGH UGH."
"AH. AH. AHHHHHHHHH. UGH UGH"
So I looked (glared, actually) over at him just to make sure I was hearing what I thought I was hearing. You know, cause in times like these I never really know for sure. I was just thinking to myself, is this dude over there whacking off, or is he spinning, because really, WHAT. THE. FUCK? I just wanted him to shut up. And I know what you're thinking. No, I didn't want to kick him in the balls or anything. What I really wanted to do was lean over to the side and Billy Blanks his bitch ass with a roundhouse kick right in the head. That's right. No focus on south of the border today, baby. It's all about the kick to the head, specifically the mouth region.
After I visualized laying a beat down on hottie neanderthal, I then looked across the room longingly at Mrs. Funky. I saw all of the peace and (quiet) harmony over there, and I was more annoyed with myself for the crap decision I had made. Sure she had a PePe le Pew smoke cloud emanating from her body, but I didn't give a damn at that point. She was quiet. Period.
One more annoying thing about HN is that he was sweating like a hooker in church. It was pouring off of him. Literally. He also didn't have a towel, so when class was over there was a huge puddle all around his bike. I know this because I damn near busted my ass in it. GAG!
So my next spin class I will wear a freaking slicker suit and earplugs.
Humor-Blogs.com
Posts
28 comments:
Awesome for you getting to the gym. An hour? spin class? Ga! I barely ran 20 min on the treadmill today. Almost enough to to burn off breakfast of dry toast:) Effing sucks.
102 pounds is quite the ambitious goal...you may want to reconsider that lipo thing. I understand the new saline procedure is a huge improvement.
I'm a spin junkie, I started in January and I've lost 30 (yeah, it's sad that I had an extra 30lbs in the first place - gag!!although, 15 of those were from the baby we lost, so techinically I'm not that much of a fat ass) pounds since then!! I'm there 4 times a week at 6:00a.m. Anyways, long comment I've got going here, I totally hate it, I mean HATE it, when I'm next to someone who grunts, groans or thinks were in a damn karoke bar and starts singing along to the music!!! AHHH!! Shut the hell up! Luckily our instructor cranks the music, so most of the time it's all good...
You kick ass girl! I can't run to the corner let alone get on a bike and have an instructor yell at me while she plays shitty music. No thank you very much. And to think you had a grunting Gary to boot!
102 pounds in 43 days. You got this. That's only a pound a day. Wait. Carry the three, divide the numberator into the denominator and subtract the radiator... sh*t, maths ain't my strong suit. But I still think you can do it!
Or get a real bike and do some real riding? Its the best!!!
Linda- Yep. I made the mistake of spending a half hour on the stepmill prior to that. I know. I'm a fool.
David- Ye have little faith, my man. ;)
Heather- Isn't it a great workout? Back when we lived in VA, I went spinning almost daily, and sometimes twice a day. Once at the ass crack of dawn, and again in the evening.
Back then I had an ass and legs that you could bounce quarters off of. Trust me, we did it daily. Also, when friends came over we used my ass to play beer pong. Okay, so that last part isn't true, but whatever.
My point is that over the last 2 years I haven't been very focused on the whole working out thing. It's on now!
Tallulah- Her music wasn't that bad actually. It just needed to be WAY louder.
Jack- I'm only about 3 good shits way from my goal. Well, I'll probably need to add in some hard work and sweat. . . Possibly a lot of blood loss as well. Totally doable!
Ken- We don't have hills here like you do in your neck of the woods. Not to mention I can't really kill myself on a spin bike. I mean, I'm sure it's possible, but not as likely as me riding my real bike.
I'm motivated to lose a few by Aug 1st, which is when I go to the beach. But I'm shooting for about 1/10 of your goal (10-15 pounds). Even that might be an unrealistic goal. Eh. If I do, great. If not, jump off a bridge. :) I'm kidding, of course. I hate when people are loud in a class. You should hear some yoga people with their ujiya breathing with intention and what not. I've even heard people fart in class. I'm not even kidding. Anyway, I hope you reach a reasonable weight loss goal (read: not 102 pounds)if that's something you really want. I'm rooting for you with a caveat: please be safe. And if you don't reach your goal, don't sweat it too much. I think you're beautiful inside and out, Candice. For what it's worth.
No good comes from exercise! I hope you choose a better riding partner next time, because...EEWWW!
Gwen- I've totally heard a bitch fart while doing yoga and pilates. It rendered me pretty much useless for the rest of the class because I was laughing so hard. I tried so hard to just forget about it, but everytime I would think about it I would crack up again.
Farting whore.
Anyway, I do have a slightly more realistic goal. If I lost 102 lbs I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. You can't really enjoy a vacay dead, now can you? ;)
Best of luck to us both!
Mom- Trust me, I'll be going with the ennie, meenie, miney, moe method next time. Serves me better than actually making a decision on my own.
You pick your bikes like you pick your WalMart cart. Or WalMart cashier lane, for that matter.
Good for you on getting to the gym.
I feel bad for you with grunty man.
I don't know which is harder to ignore, annoying noises or bad smells.
B-dizzle- All of the Wal-Mart carts suck. So do all of the Wal-Mart cashiers for that matter.
Another suburban mom- Tis true. They both make me want to go apeshit after a while.
If you think the spinning class is bad, you should hear the weight room. Every fat bastard trying to bench press 15 lb’s screams like he’s shitting out Lou Ferrigno.
And don’t even get me started on the female tennis stars! I don’t care how hot some of them are; I don’t know a single guy who could get it up after hearing a girl make that horrific noise.
Now Candice, you know no diary of your work-outs is complete without pictures.
When you do hit the beach, I expect pictures of you, your striped thong two-piece bikini and suntan oil. Maybe even do some foxy boxing or oil wrestling at some college co-ed event.
You are a glutton for punishment. Good luck. Take a clothespin next time you head for spinning. And maybe a roll of paper towels. :)
There's a foul smelling girl at my gym, too. If she gets on the treadmill beside me, I'll immediately get off and move to another one. I'm not even subtle about it anymore.
So he was annoying and unsanitary...ewww. You might want to add a nose plug to your list - that way you can sit next to anyone & not hear, smell or feel a damn thing.
Oh, hell no. No spinning for me unless it is the other kind of "spin" ;)
Ready for a couple of drinks and a game of beer pong yet"
You kill me!!!!!
You can do it! 102 lbs in 43 days ain't no thang. I just can't believe you're doing the spinning... i like to be able to actually feel my lady parts.
mmm... salty sweat...
lick, lick, lick
Grode!
And you started off your diet with a spinning class? That's pretty ballsy.
A spin class is one hour?! Damn, I'm impressed.
Keep working on it. And take some skinny pills. You can lose that 100 pounds in the next couple of weeks!
I think I'd rather be next to Groany McSweatsAlot than the smelly lady. You can always put earplugs in, but there is no defense against a bad case of BO.
Groaning and Sweating...Reminds me of when I have sex. As for the beach picture?
Why would you want to look like that? Your head is way too big for that body. You'd be freakish looking and scare the kids. Cheers!!
I don't know how I stumbled here but I'm glad I did. I needed a coffee snort-worthy moment this morning.
Spinning, though, you are brave indeed. My husband's a fan, me, I would die after 30 seconds.
I am so glad you picked the hottie ecen with the grunting. I always pick a machine and the same smelly lady comes and uses the machine next to me. Does not matter that 10 are open next to me. I have to look away from her so I can breathe. And its not like I am breathing soft! I am gasping for air on the eliptical!!! It makes me wanna throw up just thinking about it!
I am very proud of you for getting back to your exercise even though you are probly only a size 4. We can shed pounds together across the country!
This is a hilarious post! The cute little guy that cleans off the equipment at my gym told me the new woman's only area is open if I wanted to use it, I said why would I want to miss out watching the sweaty grunting men, they are so entertaining! I am spinning twice a day, 5 am and 5 pm, its taken 2 months to drop 10 pounds, good luck with the 102!
Post a Comment