Over the past couple of days my lovely offspring have been trying to outdo one another by seeing which one of them have the least amount of brain cells.
Exhibit A
That's right. My 9 year old has decided, without any input from her dear old Mom I might add, that it was time to shave her legs. Ah yes, it's basically a rite of passage that every girl goes through eventually. I just sort of assumed that I had more time.
I got the news delivered by, you guessed it, a text message while I was at work.
Brent- "Yeah, so YOUR daughter decided it was time to shave her legs tonight. We're out of band-aids by the way."
Me- "You're shitting me?"
Brent- "Nope. She'll be needing skin grafts tomorrow. Oh, and she also shaved her arms as well.
Me- "What the fuck? Who does she think she is? Michael Phelps? Jesus!"
Brent- "No worries. The bleeding is under control. She asked me if you were going to be mad. Now she's concerned that you're going to laugh at her."
Me- "Yes. Because she now has flesh and 9 yr old girl hair in my new Venus razor and yes. Absofuckinglutely. Gotta go. Morphine to dispense."
Exhibit B
So the next afternoon when I woke up, I was fully prepared to have a little chit chat with my leg amputating 9 yr old, but first I was greeted by my son who had apparently taken it upon himself to write on his own freaking forehead "I'm going to Will's house". Nice. Since when did he start printing out his itinerary on his head, you ask? Hell if I know.
Make me feel better. Those of you with kiddos, feel free to tell me about something they've done that made you question if they were switched at birth in the hospital.
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25 comments:
It should be refreshing to know that it was your daughter instead of your son with the leg shaving thing...not that there is anything wrong with that.
btw - I am impressed that all the way out there in Dallas, you are reading the Washington Post.
We here in DC appreciate your help with their circulation numbers.
Look on the bright side - she still has eyebrows.
David- That's true. Although Aidan did let me know that he has tried shaving his face like his Daddy. He used his toothbrush though....
Brent- Yeah, but we could have had my mom send Taylor her fake stick on eyebrows. That could have been pretty damn funny.
My just-turned-17-year-old got her first speeding ticket night before last. Why? The gas light came on and she wanted to make sure she got home before she ran out of fuel.
Jack- It could be worse. She could have just ignored the gas light, continued to drive on an empty tank for 3 days after said light illuminated, and then act surprised when she finally ran out of gas on the side of the road.
I did that last year.
I too am a nurse and was blessed with 6 darlings (the last three were triplets). I worked nights because the daycare costs were too staggering to work days. Anyhow, working nights, I had an arsnal of
"Barney" tapes that I would pop in and secure the area for an hour of shut eye about mid morning. Usually the tape ran out and they'd jump on me and off we'd go in the stoller for a walk (and to wake me up for the rest of the day). The day came that they broke down the two barriers and got into the bathroom. I discovered the three of them enjoying "tea" in the toilet with the Fisher Price tea set! Yummie!
Donna- That is hilarious, but also very gross. Hopefully your little angels preferred their "tea" with no "lumps" if ya know what I'm sayin'.
My oldest two boys karaoked to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun yesterday at a family picnic. I should have the video up in the next few days.
I will also have them up for adoption soon.
I had to come visit because my wife (another suburban mom) was reading this (on the other computer; yes, we're dorks) and she was laughing so hard she could barely breath!
Darling Boy likes to tie himself up and put himself in the dog crate. One day Princess Persistent developed her fine motor skills enough to lock him in the crate.
Shaved her arms? Poor girl!She sounds like she is going to be one hell of a teenager!!! And your son writing on his head is awesome! I bet he thought about it for a long time and decided it was a very smart thing to do.
Since I do not have kids I will tell you somethin stupid I did. My friend across the street had a school yard right behind her house. One night we found a laser pen and shined it into the school yard. There happened to be a cop car there who hurried and shined their big light on us. We all scattered and hid on the tramp while the police looked for us. 12 was a fun age!
I have Ethan as a son...nothing shocks me anymore.
But atleast I have the Autism to blame it on.
I asked my daughter the meaning of life and she replied with "dah!" and proceeded to drool on my shirt.
This one time, I shaved my testicles with my mother's razor and ripped my nuts open, spraying jizz and blood all over the damn place. Hurt a bit, as you can imagine.
On the plus side, my mother's best friend was present and after administering enough chloroform, she helped me to clean up my mess. Good times.
Sue- I can't wait to see that. I know you must be so proud.
Hubman- No worries, my husband and I are dorks as well. We've communicated by text in our very home. Anyway, I hope you were able to administer CPR.
ASM- We should really get our offspring together for a playdate some time. ;)
Diego and Sam Jo- Yes, I did some stupid crap when I was 12 as well. Life just wasn't fun unless we were running from the cops.
Shannon- Well, if nothing else, I guess I could blame it on Brent's half of the genetic split? Hell yeah!
Beau Horner- She's going places. I just know it!
Jesus H Christ- You know, I'm really disappointed in you Jesus. I figured since you were all high and mighty, you wouldn't even have to use a razor. You could just say...
LET THERE BE NO HAIR ON THY BALLS!!
And it would be so?
Why ya gotta to and almost chop your nuts off Jesus? Why?
Sorry Candice, but my son is perfect. Just ask his Algebra teacher under whose tutelage he will be repeating said subject when he goes back to school in August. Cheers!!
Matt- I'm shedding a tear or two for your son as we speak. Math BLOWS!!! Go easy on him.
"Why ya gotta to and almost chop your nuts off Jesus? Why?"
It was a pseudonym. You know, a mark of anonymity. Also, I like the feeling of a well shaved scrotum.
When my daughter was around 4 or 5 she had the habit of asking anyone anything, producing the kind of awkward moments that make you want to have a fatal aneurism on the spot.
“Excuse me, why are you black? Why is your friend blacker than you?”
“Why are you so big, did you eat too much ice-cream?
“Why do you have spots all over your face?”
Yep, all kinds of fun questions to strangers like those! She grew out of it within a couple months but I was afraid we were going to have to put her in exile or something.
I'm gonna go with the time he shit in the backyard.
Okay, the FOUR times he shit in the backyard.
so, since there was no mention of odd behavior on his part, youre implying the family dog is the genius of the bunch. good to know!
body hair blows. the longer they can put of shaving, the happier they'll be. I should have bought stock in fucking Gillette.
Nope my kid was perfect! So I guess she was switched at birth. But I love her anyway
I was in the car with Tori the other day about to take off when I looked at her legs. "Jesus Christ! Did I raise a frickin monkey?" Tori: "what?" Me: "When's the last time you shaved your legs? Easter?" Tori: I'll shave them tomorrow before swim club."
Yes, the girl has been attending swim club every single morning looking like a fucking hippie at Burning Man.
Charles Manson- So do I, Charlie boy. So do I.
Scott- That's absolutely hilarious! Damn kids...
Sassy Pants- Is he trying to be like the dog or what?
Nooter- He is!
Uli- I think I'm going to stop shaving all together. You know, just sort of let the shit fly freely in the breeze and whatnot. Think Big Foot with boobs here.
Ken- Consider yourself lucky.
Tallulah- Sweet! She'll probably shave a good 13 seconds off of her time.
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