Tweet THAT, biatch!

Sometimes I surprise myself by thinking about something totally random and off the wall. Then I will spend more time wondering if I'm the only one who has thought of this particular off the wall thing. You know, because who else would spend time and energy thinking about something so stupid!?

Are you following me?

So this exact scenario happened when I got home from work this morning. I did my usual decontaminating with my wire bristle brush and scalding hot water in an effort to scrub all of the nasty hospital germs off my body. While I did this I thought about how comfortable my bed is, and how good it's going to feel to be comatose in it. I was also thinking about this guy.



As I lay my head down upon my pillow (which just so happens to be a flat piece of shit. Note to self. You need a new pillow!) and settle in for a nice long nap, it happened.

What's that?


Tweet ta tweet tweetle tweet tweet tweet. Chirp.

You've got to be freaking kidding me?

Chirp cha chirp chirp. Tweet ta tweetle tweet!

Well I'll be a son. of. a bitch!

So I got up out of my warm cocoon of blankety goodness and I stormed to the door that leads to our back patio, and I opened it to see if I could figure out where the offending bird was. Then I slammed the door in an effort to hopefully get it to fly off and finally shut the fuck up. I really was wanting to be a card carrying member of the NRA at this point because popping a cap in his ass was on the top of my agenda. NOBODY messes with my sleep. NOBODY!

Tweet ta tweet tweet. Chiiiiiiiiiiirp cha chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirp.

Yeah, so clearly my door slamming technique didn't work.

It was obvious to me at this point that I was going to have to dust off the trusty ear plugs. So I popped them in and I was pissed because now I could hear myself breathing, and I could hear my own heart beat. I was essentially annoying myself. Perfect.

Then I started thinking what kind of retarded bird stays up in the middle of the night? Do birds not need their sleep too? What kind of point was this asshole bird trying to get across? Was this particular bird a dude? Was he trying to impress all of the lady birds? You know, trying to get a little bird ass perhaps? Maybe a bird booty call type of scenario, if you will?

If I was a girl bird I would not have been even the slightest bit impressed. In fact, I'd spread the word to all of my bird girlfriends to NEVER have sex with that particular douchebag bird due to the fact that he likes to be the only goddamn bird to make all kinds of noise in the middle of the night when every other logical fucking bird is asleep! I'd also spread the word that he's desperate and a male bird whore. . . and he has small wings. You know what they say about a bird with small wings right? Yeah, I thought so. His reputation would be ruined. I would ruin him! He would think twice before he opened his big ass beak before the crack of fucking dawn again!

Then he would be a lonely bird. He would have no lady bird friends and he would spend the remainder of his life masturbating on the telephone wire, and all of the other birds would point and laugh, er, tweet. The only birds that would even consider giving up the booty to this assclown would be the transvestite birds who were missing half of their feathers and infected with Avian flu.

Ha! Sucka!! Tweet that shit!

Ya know, I could have continued on with this train of thought, but I knew that I had to get some sleep. And finally, sleep I did, with the help of my trusty ear plugs.

Now tell me this. Have you ever thought of something so off the wall, or do I need some type of counseling?


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