I knew Larry was about to go down. I was going to be free of his ass once and for all.
Just a few observations before I post this video.
1. I suck at recording videos
2. Editing blows.
3. It's long as hell. This spider killing went on for about 25 minutes, and I was able to edit it down to less than 8. I take back what I said earlier. I fucking rock!
4. Aidan was holding the can of Raid, but he never actually participated in the killing, nor would I have let him. Unless Brent was out of town or something, in that case I would have given him extra allowance to kill the damn thing.
5. I apologize for the language... sort of. I mean, I do feel guilty for my verbal diarrhea, especailly since Aidan was around. To be honest, I was so freaked out that if the Pope would have been in my house, the same F-bombs would have flown freely. I'll say some Our Father's tonight. It's all good.
6. My throat hurts. You'll see why.
7. I'm calling the housekeeping service that we have used in the past, and I'm setting up and appointment tomorrow. You'll also see why.
8. I'm scared of spiders.
9. I need help.
That is all.
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At first, I thought the web was on the INSIDE of your house. But, then looking further, it was on the OUTSIDE. (Thank God b/c you and I would be freaking out).
Dear, sweetheart. I am deathly afraid of spiders, too. But, just calm down and let the guys take care of the "outside stuff". You don't need to upset your psyche w/ the spiders. They are really good at keeping flies and mosquitoes away! Exp mosquitoes that have West nile!! -- best defense against those suckers!!
So-- relax a little-- don't let the outside come in-- and rest assured that they capture the flies and skeeters!! Yep you are crazy :) T
You’ll be honored to know that I usually save my best blogs to read with my breakfast. You’ll also be honored to know that I’ve had to wipe hard boiled egg bits off of my screen twice. Once around the time of your first ‘fuck,’ and the second time when your son explained that you were only swearing because you ‘had hit some puberty.’ That my dear is an instant classic.
The only time I’ve heard a reaction that loud was first time that we went to Costa Rica. We had just gotten inside our bungalow after a puddle jumper flight and a crazy van ride, so my wife really had to use the toilet. Just after she sat down, a ginormous toad leapt out between her legs (I’m refraining now from the obvious jokes. Although I didn’t at the time) This thing was huge. It sounded like a nuclear bomb had went off with her reaction. I only wish I had it on tape!
Keep coming with the videos! That was hilarious!!
I can't believe Stephen Spielberg is sleeping that well these days if this is the level of competion.
You do realise that the only thing worse than an spider is a ghost spider. They can walk through walls, windows, sheets etc... and you know Larry will becoming to get you ......
Excuse me a second I'm just going to put in some ear plugs. I have a feeling that I am going to hear your screams here and I live in the UK....
Larry is dead, long live Larry 2
I couldn't see the spider for half of it... WTF? Sorry you're so afraid of spiders... it's cockroaches and snakes for me. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. Thankfully I only lived in the God forsaken south west for one year. Jesus help me... I lost several of my lives over those nasty buggers. I also think people who own tarantulas and snakes are weird. WEIRD. ICK.
Sidenote, it's odd to hear your voice. I suppose just because I'm just used to reading your words... but I love the accent! :)
An acadeny award is due to you for that priceless video. Candice, you're amazing!
Secretia
I see you have your very own Blair Witch project going on there. Very funny and loved the subtitled comments.
"This is the worst day of my life."
Best quote ever.
I hope Larry's friends don't find out that you ordered a hit on him.
This video certainly puts your previous posts in perspective. Your fear of spiders is LOUD and clear.
Oh my gosh, you are crazy! There is no way I would have gone near that thing!!
That was the funniest thing I have ever seen!! That is like me with roaches. Spiders I can handle. I always get the raid that shoots up to 15 feet, so I can stand way back and spray until they are drowned!
best post of all times...
Who can focus on the death of a spider while listening to your adorable little drawl, sweetheart? You are just too cute, well, apart from all the screaming that is.
T- Oh no. There would never be a web INSIDE of my house. That big web was where the first Larry resided until he died. I thought he came back, but this new guy never returned to that web. He was also substantially larger than Larry. That's why I referred to him as Larry 2.0.
By the way, I can SO handle mosquitos and flies. In fact, I would rather sleep with a damn mosquito net around my bed than have to deal with spiders. Even if they are outside.
Scott- Oh, is that what Aidan meant with the puberty comment? I had no freaking clue. That does make sense now that I think about it. Thanks for getting my kid better than I do. ;)
BlackLOG- A pox upon your house for that shit. ;) I kid! I did have a dream about spiders last night!! UGH!!!
Chelsi- Let me just state for the record that I don't normally sound like a hick. At least I really didn't think so before I heard myself on that video. Maybe being scared shitless brings it on thick? I have no idea.
Then again, I have lived in Texas the majority of my life, with a short 8 yrs in Virginia thrown in for good measure. Hmmm, maybe I really do sound like a hick?
Fuck! Or would that be Fuuuuuuuuuck?
Anyway, in the beginning of the video the spider was at the very bottom, so it's difficult to see. Then when Brent first misted him with the raid, he scurried off to (my) left window corner. AFTER Brent said he was dead, and I have my second major freakout, you can see his big ass crawling up the very left side of the screen where all of that web is. Then he crawls up higher on the window.
He's like the size of a damn chimpanzee, woman! Look again! ;)
Secretia- I knew I was going to be somebody some day.
Mike- I'm more like that crazy animal dude that got an sting ray barb through the heart, just with more screaming. I can't think of his name right now, and it's annoying.
Homemaker Man- It's been a pretty rough life. . .
Kys- My Mother pointed out that Larry and Larry 2.0 could have been lovers and there may be babies in all of that web mess. Babies that would be small enough to find their way inside. So today Brent will be cleaning all of that shit out of the window. The creepy Halloween effect will be gone, but that's okay.
Matty- Ha! I wasn't lying to ya'll.
Mama Kat- I could have stayed away and let Brent deal with it, but I had to make sure it was really dead. Had I not been there, the hit wouldn't have been carried out correctly, as I'm sure you noticed. Then it would have just grown immune to Raid, and it would have been pissed that we tried to kill it in the first place. Once his wits returned about him, he would have put out mass calls (cause he's got 8 legs, which mean 8 cell phones) to all of his homies to come fuck up our world. I'm guessing that It would have been spider gang land up in this bitch. As you can see, it would have gone downhill from there.
That's why I had to monitor the situation.
Lee- I know. For some reason Brent got the other kind. The kind that you have to stand an inch away from what you want to kill, in order to have some hope of merely spritzing it. I was thinking more of a high powered stream or something like the firefighters use to put out house fires. I suppose that would have been too logical.
Carlos- I just showed you my udders the other day, and THIS is the best post? ;)
Lucas- Note to self, must work on drawl.
LOL! Why didn't your husband remove the screen and squish it? Problem solved!
Christy in Seattle- Because he likes to do things the hard way I guess.
Jesus H ! You really are scared of spiders...........
Nice accent, and beautiful house you have !
geeez, youre such a girl.
you shoulda put it in a jar with a piece of candy and placed it by the door for halloween. tell the trick or treat kids if they reach in and get the candy they can keep it.
It's off to Hollywood for you. You can be the girl that the ax murdered chases down in the woods and kills. You could make a fortune.
Senorita- Yes, I'm only slightly afraid of them. ;) Thanks girl!
Nooter- You are evil!
Mike- I don't think my scream is high pitched enough. ;)
Candice, Candice, Candice....
Girl, you are fucking hilarious! I wish with all that is holy, that I could have met you before I moved out of Texas.
ROTFLMAO....you're an idiot!! The first time you said fuck was funny but after like the umpteenth time I was almost pissing myself!
Thank you oh great one for the best laugh I have had in like forever and a day!
Stacy- I promise I don't say fuck that much on a regular basis. Only when certain situations warrant it. :)
Carlos sent me over here...and boyyy did you make me laugh (amongst the skin-crawling), lady! Love the accent, the subtitles, and the screaming was perfect. I would react the exact same way. Nothing brings out my girly hysterics like a good hairy spider. K, I gotta go check my windows now.
I can not believe how much you were screaming over that. You do have a huge fear of spiders! You should have left the house while they dealt with it!
Oh. My. God.
You may want to consider the Witness Protection Program.
Candice,
Amazing video! I don't know if it is bloodcurdling screams or the ease with which you spew profanity, but I love you. Maybe it is the way you say "Fuck" that endears me to you. I dont know, but I am thinking of moving so I can stalk you.
Brent - next time, use fire. Can of starting fluid and a lighter. POOF. Larry dead in one beautiful fireball.
TC- Do yourself a favor and DON'T check your windows. Stay far far away from them.
Blueviolet- I know I should have left the house, state, or country while Brent dealt with it, but I had to see with my own eyes that it was dead. One of those seeing is believing things.
Beth- No shit.
Scott- It's probably NOT the blood curdling screams. Trust me. By the way, I'm a little hoarse today, and I have no idea why. ;)
You were right to make sure the little bastard was well and truly dead. Spiders aren't insects, they're arachnids. Whole different critter. Raid rarely does much more than make them sick enough to play dead. If you want them deader'n shit just by hosing them down with something, you need a special license for the kind of poison it takes. You certainly aren't going to get it in a can at WalMart, no matter what the label says.
Good move getting the kid to handle the hit, though. You never know with spiders. Sumbitch might grab you and put you in a double suflex, then whaddaya gonna do? Yer fuct. Ya gotta tap out, and go get a weapon. .308 oughta do. Kids are wiry little fucks, though. Spider grabs him, it's like grabbing a greased kitten with the strength of a baboon. Kid'll just wrangle out and put the smack down. Don't need a license for that. Spider guts all over the place.
So, all's well that ends. For future reference, any pest is only there for the beer and chips. Get rid of their food source, and they'll leave you like a cheap date. If there are bushes too close to the house, or an untended garden/lawn, etc. the insects will love you, and spiders dearly love insects. $20 or $30 to the ChemLawn folks every 6 weeks or so to hose down your property is a Good Thing. Trust me - I'm a murderer from way back [grin]
Pulling out the screen and killing the spider only sounds like a good idea. I have to live with this woman. If I'd pulled out the screen and the spider had run off into the mulch, I'd be shopping for a new house today...
Wanted him mostly dead before we thought about removing screens...
Cagey- I totally agree with you. It's always imperitive to use at LEAST (hear this Brent...) a half a can of the bug killer of your choice. Wait until it's curled up like a fried shrimp, and THEN you stomp on it to ensure that death has occured. Then drink yourself into a stupor to forget about the terror that you just went through.
By the way, we also use chemlawn, truegreen or one of those services, can't remember which one. Obviously that shit isn't working on our insect issue.
Brent- Ya damn right!
You do need to work on your dousing technique though.
2 words for ya. CONTINUOUS SPRAY.
Good to hear you're taking advantage of better living through chemistry, but you gotta watch those rascals close. The concentrations they spray are often low enough to mix drinks with, and then the lazy fucks that spray the shit will barely give the place a lick and promise. They want to get their house count done for the day so they can get back home where they spray the real deal and enjoy their pest-free decks. On the plus side, they beat the hell out of nothing. Fucking bugs are rapacious, voracious little bastards, and will take over your world with no encouragement whatsoever.
But, you might consider that for as much trouble as it is, you'd be further ahead to do it yourself. It's 20 minutes out of your life every six weeks fer crissakes, and you can really lay waste to the insect population. Crank up the mixture until your hose glows. And as long as you have the hose out, you can do the weed'n'feed thing, too.
Cagey- Ha! That would require Brent to do some work. Fat chance of that happening. He's pretty much anti-yardwork since we moved here. Odd since our yard is pathetically small compared to our yard in Va.
Yes Candice. You really do need help.
Tallulah- Oh I'm well aware. ;)
I am still laughing. Yep, still laughing.
MDubs- I just want to state for the record that the window has been cleaned of all of the webage that was there during that video. I also spent the day vaccuming all of the window sills because they were pretty much disgusting. Oddly enough, shit collects there if you don't clean them. Lesson learned.
omg - i cracked up. you are hilarious. your heavy breathing was a crack! loved the *f* bomb drop. totally understandable.
jme- Which f-bomb drop ;)
OMG!!!! This is the funniest thing I have ever seen.
Candice... The spider is outside.
I can't stop laughing at you.
Love ya
Danielle- It doesn't matter! I freak out if I look at a freaking PICTURE of a spider. Seriously.
By the way, I get most freaked out by spiders when they move. For some reason their legs totally make me want to piss myself. I mean, I freak out regardless, but if I see them move it's game over.
That's why I kept telling Brent to wait before he sprayed the fucking thing. I knew it was going to cause it to move, and I needed some damn warning! Naturally Brent knew that I would keep stalling for hours, so he did it without telling me.
That's also why he's cut off.
You are freaking Hi-Larrry-ous! You and my sister were seperated a birth. OMG! BTW: Fastest way to kill a spider? With a shoe. Saves the Ozone too:)
Too, too funny!
Linda- I can assure you that If Brent would have taken that screen off, "Larry" would have bolted and then I would have lived in fear. I probably would have never gone back in the front yard. Like ever.
At least now we know he's DEAD.
I'm the same way about lawyers. I wanna scream like a little girl and squirt a half a can of Raid in their face every time one comes near me.
Jack- ;)
OH GOOD LORD! I finally got to watch this video and it was fucking HILARIOUS. I was laughing out LOUD at your blood curdling screams.
First of all, "What. The. Fuck?" at the end was too freaking much! I about spit my wine out on that one. What in the world was he trying to say? And the comment up there referring to it did nothing to help my understanding.
Second, you have that same hick TX accent that i do... which totally makes me laugh. I'm gonna hear that voice every time i read your posts now... ha.
Third, poor Larry. Sorry, but this isn't ALL about you.
Fourth, next time i come to DFW, I'm totally looking you up for a beer. You are a riot! ;)
Foxy- I think he's warning people that when they reach puberty, they shouldn't do the things that "we" do.
I mean, he's an expert on puberty since he's 6 and all.
Look me up next time you are in DFW. We can go to a strip bar. Or perhaps church or something. Fun times!
You and my wife need to hang.
Case in point.
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