Why don't we cut the bullshit here boys, shall we?
I'm specifically talking about the way some of you go out of your way to act like you don't even notice other women in the general vicinity when you and your significant other are together. I witness this all the time, so I sort of feel like an expert on the subject. Allow me to spew my wisdom upon you.
You know exactly who you are. You're the one that can zero in on a hot little ass in a pair of True Religion jeans from 5 miles away, yet when you are caught staring, you pretend you were looking at something totally harmless. Like a cooing baby, or some shit like that.
Do you think we are stupid? Don't answer that Do you think that we even care that you are looking? Nope Do we find it extremely laughable that you are staring at a woman that you most likely have a snowballs chance in hell of boning anyway? Yes In fact, we most likely were looking at her as well, and we've noticed a few things. She looks nice from across the street and all, but she's probably a nasty anorexic whore... with herpes... and I bet she most likely has an anal fistula as well. Trust us, we know these things. Her boobs are fake and they look about as soft as the granite counter tops in the kitchen, and her teeth are all jacked up. Think of the damage she could do with that grill. So while you're sitting there with a rise in your Levi's, fantasizing all of these extraneous things she could do to you, imagine her turning your one eyed midget into 8 oz of ground round with those protruding uneven razor blades that she calls teeth. Sexy right?
I thought that Brent learned his lesson the hard way when we were dating. I would see some girl that I either thought was pretty, hideous, had ginormous boobs, etc and when I pointed her out, he had the nerve to pretend that he had no idea who I was talking about. This pissed me off. Especially when the girl in question had boobs the size of a billboard and every man in a 50 mile radius was checking her out. So we had a little lesson in how shit was going to go down. When he stopped pretending not to see hot women, I stopped pretending that I thought he was gay for not noticing them.
The point I tried to get across is that I'm not really the jealous type. There is a big difference between normal gazing (hello! It's only natural!), and being a total disrespectful dick about staring someone down in my presence. Did I mention that chick he was staring down probably had most likely seen more penis than a urologist? Seriously... like throwin a hot dog down a hallway, if I were guessing. So he could keep on lookin'. I couldn't care less.
Over the past 12 years of togetherness, I figured we had made some progress. I mean, he did manage to point out naked boobs on the beach in Punta Cana, so what more can I ask for? However, we managed to slide back in all of the progress that had been made this past weekend.
We took the kids to the Halloween store to pick out their costumes. When we went to check out, I was practically smothered by mammaries. We're talking Goodyear blimp type shit. What did Brent do when I excitedly pointed out the monstrous boobs? If you said he acted like a blind person without a clue by stating "WHERE?" when he clearly knew EXACTLY who I was talking about, then give yourself a pat on the back.
Now I ask you this. Can YOU find the jugs? I know it's really difficult since they are so small and all. Not to mention there is a creepy Tales From the Crypt guy in the way that's distracting from the main subject of the photo. However, I'm confident that you will be able to find them with ease.
I feel as though this is like Where's Waldo or I Spy, but the boob edition.
By the way, someone should totally tell that slut that more than a handful is a waste. ;)
I Don't Like Following My Nose
1 week ago