Tuesday, October 27, 2009

How about a friendly tip for my male readers.

Why don't we cut the bullshit here boys, shall we?

I'm specifically talking about the way some of you go out of your way to act like you don't even notice other women in the general vicinity when you and your significant other are together. I witness this all the time, so I sort of feel like an expert on the subject. Allow me to spew my wisdom upon you.

You know exactly who you are. You're the one that can zero in on a hot little ass in a pair of True Religion jeans from 5 miles away, yet when you are caught staring, you pretend you were looking at something totally harmless. Like a cooing baby, or some shit like that.

Do you think we are stupid? Don't answer that Do you think that we even care that you are looking? Nope Do we find it extremely laughable that you are staring at a woman that you most likely have a snowballs chance in hell of boning anyway? Yes In fact, we most likely were looking at her as well, and we've noticed a few things. She looks nice from across the street and all, but she's probably a nasty anorexic whore... with herpes... and I bet she most likely has an anal fistula as well. Trust us, we know these things. Her boobs are fake and they look about as soft as the granite counter tops in the kitchen, and her teeth are all jacked up. Think of the damage she could do with that grill. So while you're sitting there with a rise in your Levi's, fantasizing all of these extraneous things she could do to you, imagine her turning your one eyed midget into 8 oz of ground round with those protruding uneven razor blades that she calls teeth. Sexy right?

I thought that Brent learned his lesson the hard way when we were dating. I would see some girl that I either thought was pretty, hideous, had ginormous boobs, etc and when I pointed her out, he had the nerve to pretend that he had no idea who I was talking about. This pissed me off. Especially when the girl in question had boobs the size of a billboard and every man in a 50 mile radius was checking her out. So we had a little lesson in how shit was going to go down. When he stopped pretending not to see hot women, I stopped pretending that I thought he was gay for not noticing them.

The point I tried to get across is that I'm not really the jealous type. There is a big difference between normal gazing (hello! It's only natural!), and being a total disrespectful dick about staring someone down in my presence. Did I mention that chick he was staring down probably had most likely seen more penis than a urologist? Seriously... like throwin a hot dog down a hallway, if I were guessing. So he could keep on lookin'. I couldn't care less.

Over the past 12 years of togetherness, I figured we had made some progress. I mean, he did manage to point out naked boobs on the beach in Punta Cana, so what more can I ask for? However, we managed to slide back in all of the progress that had been made this past weekend.

We took the kids to the Halloween store to pick out their costumes. When we went to check out, I was practically smothered by mammaries. We're talking Goodyear blimp type shit. What did Brent do when I excitedly pointed out the monstrous boobs? If you said he acted like a blind person without a clue by stating "WHERE?" when he clearly knew EXACTLY who I was talking about, then give yourself a pat on the back.

Now I ask you this. Can YOU find the jugs? I know it's really difficult since they are so small and all. Not to mention there is a creepy Tales From the Crypt guy in the way that's distracting from the main subject of the photo. However, I'm confident that you will be able to find them with ease.

I feel as though this is like Where's Waldo or I Spy, but the boob edition.

By the way, someone should totally tell that slut that more than a handful is a waste. ;)



Scott Oglesby said...

I found the boobs; what do I win?

I do look, it’s only natural. If I think a girl is hot (especially on TV, it’s much safer; I’ll even tell my wife.) I mean marriage is a friendship too right? Personally, I like smaller boobs, now that we aren’t 20 years old and all. The bigger ones either fall like a sub-prime lender as soon as the bra comes off, or are as rock hard as Madonna’s biceps. Neither of which is attractive to me personally. If I want to play with gristle, I’ll eat a badly cooked pork chop.

Secretia said...

Candice, that is a wonderful essay. My BF does the same thing, but I know it's killing him not to stare directly at the girls! I laugh at him about it.

Your blog is great, I'm putting it on my blogroll for more exposure for you! at (Secret Story Time)

Thanks, Secretia

Ziva said...

Yikes, something went horribly wrong when those boobs hit puberty. Could also be she's just stuffed her bra with two bald toddlers, it's hard to say.

Beth said...

Right on! I could be your sister in solidarity on this topic.

"like throwing a hotdog down a hallway..." Hilarious!

Another Suburban Mom said...

Hubman and I both look. If he appears to miss an outstanding rack, I am sure to point it out to him, only to have him mention that he did not miss it.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am laughing!! My hubby really doesn't notice those things...it's always amazing to me how out of it he is, also annoying!

pinky said...

Reminds me, I should put up pictures of sexually transmitted diseases from my nursing text. That would be an interesting post.

pinky said...

And yes, I found the boobs. How can you not? They are on display!

Brian O'Mara-Croft said...

I can't see the boobs, Candice. I just CAN'T! And EIGHT OUNCES of ground round? Good Lord, everything really IS big in Texas!


Grumpy, M.D. said...


Matty said...


In defense of hubby, you are missing the point.

There is an unwritten rule about this stuff. It's like a game. You notice the pretty girl. We notice the pretty girl. You know that we notice. We know that you know that we notice. We pretend not to notice. You know that we're pretending not to notice. We know that you know that we're pretending not to notice.

And the nice thing about it all is, that everyone knows. The cards are all out on the table. There are no secrets.

Plus, as a sign of respect to our wives/girlfriends, we pretend not to notice. For if we made it obvious that we did, it would be an unspoken signal that we're actually attacted to someone other than YOU. We don't want to hurt your feelings or somehow give you the impression that we aren't attracted to YOU, so we pretend not to look. So, you see, it's all a game. Everyone is playing, everyone knows the rules, everyone understands how it works.

Oh, and there is one other unwritten rule to this game. We pretend not to notice because we want to get laid later that night/that week/that year.

Sometimes Sophia said...

oooooh! Candice's razor wit at work... You do make those lovelies sound tempting. Not.

"like throwin a hot dog down a hallway..." Hilarious. You really crack me up. I think you should submit some of your posts as letters to the editor at Maxim. Get them published, my dear.

Tami G said...

OMG - I loooove your blog!
freaking Hilarious!!!!
NOT that I have a boyfriend.. or husband...or anything remotely close to that nature! ha ha
but I love to read all the stories from those that do........
and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm more blessed or cursed by being alone ;-)

and i'm with Beth - "throwing a hotdog down a hallway" HILARIOUS!

Senorita said...

I agree with Matty, he was trying to be respectful in a sly, slicky vanilly sorta way.

Those boobies are effing ginormous !

Fat Daddy said...

Luckily never a hangup for my wife. She notices...I notice...and as long as I don't leer longer than say 3 hours, she is pretty much OK.

and stop with the chick we'd have no chance at ever boning bit! In our world...they all want us. It's that kind of delusion that keeps us men happy.

And a hotdog down a hallway? We're back to the vag quota again. That counts totally!

And I could not seem to find the ginormous boobs either...Could you post a zoomed in shot to help those of us with poor eyesight? Appreciate it.

Jay said...

I guess you wouldn't have accepted the "Yeah I saw them and they're GROSS!" answer either?

Looking is fine. Pretending to be buying feminine care products for the wife so you can check out the teenage girls in their Daisy Dukes? Not so much.

Mike said...

LOL thanks for the mammaries. I was like that when I was married. "Notice what?" However my ex was the jealous type. You'll be happy to know I don't do that any longer mostly because I don't date the jealous type anymore.

kys said...

Good Lord! I'm pretty sure those are illegal in my state.

Brent said...

You might recall that we'd split up, one kid each, while we were looking for costumes. I hadn't actually seen her/them until you mentioned it...

There's a difference between noticing and running a grid pattern through the store with binoculars.

TentCamper said...

I think that looking is fine...staring is a bit rude, staring and rubbing yourself is totally out.

I look and comment to Mariah about people, but I have found that I don't think about 'being with' that person...just admiring a nice ass or rack. The good thing is Mariah looks too. We enjoy each other and respect the natural tendency to look.

foxy said...

I don't think anyone could miss those things... they're really up and out there!! DANG.

Danielle said...

You said it all girl. They are just loading up their spank bank so that when we cut thier asses off, they will have something to fall back on.

Kelz World said...

You crack me up! When i am having a bad day i click on over to your blog and i laugh, i mean snorting ugly face tears laugh. im blog stalking you but im out now, please dont hate me, LOL. ive had a rough last few months and i swear laughing at this blog has made some of it not so bad! Go check me out im not nearly as funny as you but im here!

Candice said...

Scott- You win the "Scott is so cool and super observant" award. Congratulations!

Secretia- Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. :) btw, Brent never even points out the hot chicks on TV. What the hell?

Ziva- 2 bald toddlers... Thanks for cracking me up!

Beth- We should start a group or something.

Another Suburban Mom- Nothing wrong with looking, that's what I always say.

Lee- Of course he doesn't look. He proabably never masturbates either. ;)

Pinky- I was looking through similar pictures at work the other day. GAG! Yes, post them!

Brian- Okay, probably more like 1/4 oz ground round. You know I suck with numbers!

Grumpy, M.D.- How would you like to assess them babies?

Matty- Here is the deal. I WANT Brent to notice. I would prefer he notice, than be a lying tool and act like he didn't notice. I'm fully aware that I'm not the most attractive woman that roams this earth. In fact, I could easily be outmatched anytime we go out in public. I'm okay with that. I don't even take offense to it. It's just the way shit works. I would also be a moron if I thought that he wasn't attracted to anyone else.

I think we all know I would screw Jeffery Donovan 29 differet ways to Sunday if I were given the chance. See, I lay it right on out there, now don't I? Just the way it should be. :)

Sometimes Sophia- You don't think they would frown upon my man bashing at Maxium? I'll have to look into that. ;)

Tami- Go ahead and consider yourself blessed. Seriously....

Senorita- I get that he's respectful and all of that shit, but sometimes I don't care about all of that. I swear I'm more inappropriate than he is and he's the one that's supposed to be raunchy. Isn't that embedded in male DNA?

Fat Daddy- Leering for 3 hours is totally appropriate. I think it's considered stalking after 5 1/2 hours. If you want a zoomed in version, I can email you one. You'll have to supply your own KY though.

Jay- I would have accepted the "they are gross" comment primarily beause they WERE gross. I damn near threw up in my mouth when I almost got a glimpse of her areola.

Mike- I agree that you should stay far away from the jealous type. That would pretty much suck.

kys- They should be illegal in all 50 states.

Brent- Okay Stevie....

Tentcamper- At least wait to rub on yourself until after you get home. That is totally acceptable.

Foxy- I wanted to ask her where she got her titanium reinforced bra.

Danielle- Spank bank!! Love that.

Kelz- Thanks for coming out of the blog stalking closet. I'm so glad that you did. :)

Anonymous said...

what an ugly-hearted woman you are

Wow, that was awkward said...

I can't really comment because I barely read this. I just come here too look at your pictures. So do you have an anal fistula (that was my fave part, by the way)?

Okay, I read it. I guess I have never had tact. I am usually the one to point out these things.

tallulah said...

So many men pretend not to look because their wives are jealous....I mean crazy freaky jealous and if they catch their man looking, he won't be having any anal fistula for a long, long time. You know what I'm saying?

Me on the other hand, I could care less. Hell, I wouldn't even care if Bubby leaned over the counter at the Halloween store and grabbed them. Mine are WAY less than a handful.

Candice said...

Anonymous- After reading your comment, I figured that I could have replied back to you in roughly 100 different ways. However, they were all rude and disrespectful, and would have totally proved your point that I am indeed an ugly hearted woman. So I'll just leave it at this...

Fuck you.

Wow- No fistula here at the moment. I'm also disease free. Bonus!

Tallulah- I suppose you are right. I will tell you that I had fun watching other husbands pretend not to notice. Eyes were darting all over the place. It was crazy.

Mike said...

((clapping)) for your response to the anonymous commentor.

That One Mom said...

I hear you on that!!! I lived with 5 guys in college and they ALWAYS notice! I don't care what any man says. They ALWAYS notice!

Cagey said...

Don't kid yourself - all guys notice. Every tit in the room.

It's not "boob radar". It's just inventory, pure and simple. Of course, Some take longer to count than others, for obvious reasons. Still, the older you get, the better you get at counting and categorizing, to the point where you can take an almost instantaneous strategic snapshot of the room, then go back for more detailed reconnaissance later.

We could be more obvious about it, but few people really enjoy being ogled. Plus, there are some of us who have or have had in the past relationships with women who didn't feel quite as confident and secure as they should. Few things are as big a pain in the ass as a jealous, insecure bitch.

Jaime said...

boobs? i don't see any boobs... you didn't show all of skellator there - maybe the boobs are down around his waist?

Anonymous said...

that was hilarious
thank you

Knucklehead said...

Any irony in the fact that the first guy to comment on this post was a guy named "Oglesby"?

Candice said...

Mike- *taking a bow*

That One Mom- They sure do!

Cagey- Oh I'm not kidding myself. I'm fully aware about your perverts. ;)

Jaime- I didn't notice skeletor's boobs. I was too focused on the nip slip I almost saw at the register.

Anon- It was my pleasure.

knucklehead- Ha!! Nice observation. ;)

SupaCoo said...

HA! (This is going to make me sound a little nutty, but I'm going to proceed...)

When I was a single tyke of the age my grandmother considered "old maid-ish" I read a self-help book about getting a man to be head-over-heels for you. In that book it said men didn't like to get in trouble for appreciating other women's beauty and that if we saw someone hot and pointed it out, it took some of the pressure off the man. Cause, duh, of course HE noticed. So then I started pointing out the hotties, and my bf (now husband) thought I was bi for the longest time. I guess that is a way to snag a man, too.

Obese Swan said...

Hahaha WHOA that is some boob pictures there! *I* usually notice the racks before my husband. I will often point out a particularly large or nice pair even. His eye sight is crappy and he never wears his glasses so I am the one going "Over there, by the rack of chips, the chick in the blue shirt and jeans! Look at her rack!" LOL Then he thinks it is hilarious to tell his lesbian coworker that I notice good boobies before he does and she high fives me Haha

Danielle said...

Can't stop laughing at your response to anon!!!!

Carlos said...

scary mask!

Candice said...

SupaCoo- I'm the author of that book. ;)

Obese Swan- I'm pretty sure even men with shitty eye sight can spot a nice rack from a few miles away. It's innate, I tell ya!

Danielle- I thought it was fairly polite given that I'm a cold hearted woman. ;)

Carlos- I know!

Candice said...

My bad, UGLY hearted woman.

Sassy Pants said...

Is that the damn cashier?!

snugs said...

you rock!

AnnQ said...

Oh, man....those things are HUGE! Sometimes something's SO shoved in your face you can't help but notice whether you're a man or a woman - like those bad boys. ;-)

I never understood WHY any woman would WANT that kind of attention. I had Implants for three years (small D's) and hated (HATED!) the gross attention. It's not "good" attention....it's nasty, piggish attention. So many guys automatically think you're easier than if you have smaller breasts.

So again....I SO don't get why someone would want that ick-factor attention. Ew.

Candice said...

Sassy Pants- Yes, yes it is.

Snugs- Thanks :)

AnnQ- I have no idea why she wants that attention either. What I will say, is that I'm sure she has a hard time hiding those sum bitches regardless.

Mike said...

"....protruding uneven razor blades that she calls teeth. Sexy right?

I thought that Brent learned his lesson..."

When I first read this I thought poor Brent, he got shredded to teach him a lesson.

Candice said...

Mike- Nah, I've got a decent non-shredding grill. Good for a good maiming in other ways, but shredding? Not so much.

Gwen said...

Oh Candace, how I've missed you. I'm like you in that I could give a shit if my husband is staring at another woman.

Candice said...

Gwen- I've missed you too! I know you've been busy growing twins and all, but stop by more often or I'll kick your pregnant ass. ;)

Tamis said...

Have you ever seen the pictures that look like cleavage but turn out to be ass crack? Her rack looks like a very plump ass crack if you ask me.

I would be afraid a baby might look at me like I was dinner if I were her.

Candice said...

Tamis- Yes, I've seen that. I'm pretty good at telling the difference too. :)