If you are a long time reader of this blog, you may remember that I'm no fan of spiders. They are disgusting. I mean, I really hate them with a passion.
Anytime I see a spider, I have this immediate physiological response to them. My heart races, my respirations increase, I scream in fear, I run around like my ass in on fire, and finally, I come close to pissing myself. It only just goes downhill from there.
I'm not sure where this intense fear of spiders came from exactly, but I do know it has caused me to be trapped outside my house recently because there was one hanging outside of the garage door. Once I got my 6 yr old to kill it, could finally enter my home again. At warp speed nonetheless... While screaming and cursing uncontrollably. After that particular episode, I finally realized that I have spider fear induced Tourette's Syndrome. I really impress myself with the amount of shit just that just flows out of my mouth in the presence of spiders. I've MADE UP new expletives, people. The kind of imaginative things you just can't fathom. I would tell you what they are, but I don't want anyone else getting full credit for the filthy brilliance that I spew, other than myself. I'm a selfish little bitch like that.
Anyway, over the past few months I've tried to improve on my arachnophobia. I've been doing this by engaging in a little immersion therapy almost daily. You see, a little spider had set up shop in between the window and the screen in Brent's office. So I would make sure that I would take a walk by the window and try to look at the spider, because I figured eventually this behavior would help me become more comfortable with them. Of course, every time I would look at the spider, I would scream like a little bitch and plead with Brent to call a freaking exterminator. This didn't bode well during his work conference calls, by the way. I was told to "stop looking at the damn thing" and then I was schooled on how good spiders are for the economy. Or was that the environment? I can't even remember which now because I was heavily involved in my spider-induced psychosis at the time.
The above behavior went on for MONTHS. And during the course of time the spider became sort of a like a pet. The kids even named him "Larry" for christ's sake! Larry was a predator. He would hang out in the corner and sleep during the day, and he would make his way to the middle of his well woven web at night in order to kill his prey. I think Larry was a serial killer, because he killed his own kind, which I thought was kind of cool.
Over time Larry became one big motherfucker. His legs were long and scary, and If he happened to move when I was doing my daily immersion therapy, I would damn near drop a pantload. I continued to beg for extermination, but Brent is a giant asshat that refused to call, so I began praying that a brown recluse would bite him on his sack it never happened. Then one day the rain came. I'm not talking a little sprinkling rain either. I'm talking Noah's Ark type shit that went on for days and days. I continued to do my daily check on Larry, but he was nowhere to be found.
Hell yes, I thought!!! Out came the rain and washed the spider out!! I checked every day for several days, and still no Larry. Did he pack up shop? Was he finally dead? Regardless, I was able to breathe again. He was gone, and out of my life forever.
Or so I thought...
Then eventually out came the sun, and it apparently dried up all the damn rain, because today as I was in Brent's office having leisurely conversation, I happened to glance at the window to see this GINORMOUS FUCKING SPIDER CRAWLING ACROSS THE WINDOW SCREEN!!!!! And then I screamed as though I was being raped by Michael Jackson (the alive version, not the dead one), and I began to have heart palpitations. Then I lost all ability to speak, and when I was asked what my problem was, I was only able to point repeatedly at the window making grunting noises like a 2 yr old, or a cave woman. Take your pick.
So yes, the bastard is back and larger than ever!!! I don't know where he went, but I think he took a sabbatical and went to the Golden Corral or something, because homeboy is STACKED!
I'm currently planning my move to a different location. One that has plenty of pesticides in every nook and cranny, and is spider free.
Larry, you and your creepy long legs can officially suck it!
2 weeks ago