Friday, October 23, 2009

I crapped myself today for the first time since infancy.

If you are a long time reader of this blog, you may remember that I'm no fan of spiders. They are disgusting. I mean, I really hate them with a passion.

Anytime I see a spider, I have this immediate physiological response to them. My heart races, my respirations increase, I scream in fear, I run around like my ass in on fire, and finally, I come close to pissing myself. It only just goes downhill from there.

I'm not sure where this intense fear of spiders came from exactly, but I do know it has caused me to be trapped outside my house recently because there was one hanging outside of the garage door. Once I got my 6 yr old to kill it, could finally enter my home again. At warp speed nonetheless... While screaming and cursing uncontrollably. After that particular episode, I finally realized that I have spider fear induced Tourette's Syndrome. I really impress myself with the amount of shit just that just flows out of my mouth in the presence of spiders. I've MADE UP new expletives, people. The kind of imaginative things you just can't fathom. I would tell you what they are, but I don't want anyone else getting full credit for the filthy brilliance that I spew, other than myself. I'm a selfish little bitch like that.

Anyway, over the past few months I've tried to improve on my arachnophobia. I've been doing this by engaging in a little immersion therapy almost daily. You see, a little spider had set up shop in between the window and the screen in Brent's office. So I would make sure that I would take a walk by the window and try to look at the spider, because I figured eventually this behavior would help me become more comfortable with them. Of course, every time I would look at the spider, I would scream like a little bitch and plead with Brent to call a freaking exterminator. This didn't bode well during his work conference calls, by the way. I was told to "stop looking at the damn thing" and then I was schooled on how good spiders are for the economy. Or was that the environment? I can't even remember which now because I was heavily involved in my spider-induced psychosis at the time.

The above behavior went on for MONTHS. And during the course of time the spider became sort of a like a pet. The kids even named him "Larry" for christ's sake! Larry was a predator. He would hang out in the corner and sleep during the day, and he would make his way to the middle of his well woven web at night in order to kill his prey. I think Larry was a serial killer, because he killed his own kind, which I thought was kind of cool.

Over time Larry became one big motherfucker. His legs were long and scary, and If he happened to move when I was doing my daily immersion therapy, I would damn near drop a pantload. I continued to beg for extermination, but Brent is a giant asshat that refused to call, so I began praying that a brown recluse would bite him on his sack it never happened. Then one day the rain came. I'm not talking a little sprinkling rain either. I'm talking Noah's Ark type shit that went on for days and days. I continued to do my daily check on Larry, but he was nowhere to be found.

Hell yes, I thought!!! Out came the rain and washed the spider out!! I checked every day for several days, and still no Larry. Did he pack up shop? Was he finally dead? Regardless, I was able to breathe again. He was gone, and out of my life forever.

Or so I thought...

Then eventually out came the sun, and it apparently dried up all the damn rain, because today as I was in Brent's office having leisurely conversation, I happened to glance at the window to see this GINORMOUS FUCKING SPIDER CRAWLING ACROSS THE WINDOW SCREEN!!!!! And then I screamed as though I was being raped by Michael Jackson (the alive version, not the dead one), and I began to have heart palpitations. Then I lost all ability to speak, and when I was asked what my problem was, I was only able to point repeatedly at the window making grunting noises like a 2 yr old, or a cave woman. Take your pick.

So yes, the bastard is back and larger than ever!!! I don't know where he went, but I think he took a sabbatical and went to the Golden Corral or something, because homeboy is STACKED!

I'm currently planning my move to a different location. One that has plenty of pesticides in every nook and cranny, and is spider free.

Larry, you and your creepy long legs can officially suck it!


Lucas said...

PUSSY! One shoe and it's all over. Larry would be toast. You have ALL the power Candice. ALL. OF. IT.

Brent said...

I don't like slamming my nuts in a car door. So I don't do it. Similarly, if you don't like looking at spiders...

Candice said...

Lucas- I don't kill spiders. I get someone to do it for me. I'm calling the god damn exerminator tomorrow myself!

Brent- You clearly don't get the point of immersion therapy, now do you? School yourself on it big boy.

By the way, I think slamming your nuts in a car door sounds alot like fun to me.

Ziva said...

Screw immersion therapy, what you need is a flamethrower. And if Larry (if that's not the name of a serial killer I don't know what is) moves when you get close to him with the flamethrower, don't risk it. Go outside and burn the entire house down with the spider in it.

Senorita said...

That is one big motherfucking spider.

I am not scared of spiders and have no problem killing them.

Had I been around, I would've been your knight in shining armor and killed that bitch with my shoe.

Candice said...

Ziva- Now you totally get it! Praise you for understanding my spider fear. I'm just waiting for that bastard to find a way to get inside. If and when he ever does, we will need a carpet cleaning service as well as an exterminator, STAT!

Senorita- I hope you have big feet. He's a biggin' fo sho! See, I would have killed him a long time ago, but the kids had to go off and get attached to his big ass. Then they named him! Now Brent refuses to kill him, like that makes him some kind of fucking father of the year or something.

His days are numbered. I may have to get some Hot Shot tomorrow and douse his ass from across the street or something. Larry has officially worn out his welcome.

Secretia said...

I can't sleep in anyplace where bugs or spiders are, just can'y sleep knowing that might come near me during the night.

Thanks for visiting Secret Story Time!


Scott Oglesby said...

I wanted to help you therapeutically so I kindly brought you this link……
Just look at it (especially the 12th one down) for about 5 minutes right before bed each night and you’ll be healed in no time!

You’ve definitely got the award for Best Use of ‘Itsy bitsy spider’ in a Blog all wrapped up this year…congrats!!
I think I’d scream louder if I were being raped by the dead MJ than the alive version!

Hilarious Candice!!

pegzhere said...

That is a big MFing spider!!!! I'd have to call someone, too - or maybe spray him with some storebought poison stuff so you don't have to go near? Hell you surely have enough hair shit you could spray on him that's poison - no need to buy bug spray. DO it while the kids are at school. And it's raining - they've already seen him disappear on a rainy day...

tallulah said...

Sorry to hear you are a pants-crapper.
We have a giant house spider in our garage so huge that it looked furry (like a tarantula and about the same size). On further inspection, the furry was actually hundreds and hundreds of babies.

We love them and will name them all.

Matty said...

Ok, after reading this post, and the others you linked to ( yes, I actually read all of them.....I think the weatherman video was classic ), I get the impression you don't like spiders.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

My roommate in med school, who was in the navy, once woke me up to come kill a spider in the kitchen. He was terrified of them.

Mike said...

Hopefully Larry is a boy and not going to have a gajillion babies. You may have to burn your house down to kill them all.

Obese Swan said...

Bwahahaha Sorry but my garage alone would leave you catatonic. I almost want to go take pictures of the spiders around my house for you.(Inside and out) I live in FL with many trees around us and the spiders seem to LOVE our house. I could go walk around the house and if I looked in the right places see at least 3-4 spiders. I don't love them but as long as they stay hidden and keep other bugs out I let them live. Dh is a pussy about spiders and screams like a bitch when he sees them and he has my 4 yr old son doing the same thing. My shoes get lots of use around here LOL

oh I think I still have the pic of the bid ass spider I killed a while back that could be your dudes twin. Let me know if you want to see it and stop breathing. LOL

Candice said...

Secretia- You and me both!

Scott- I hope you don't take offense to the fact that there is no way in HELL I'm going to click that link. Sorry!! :)

Peg- hairspray would mean that I have to be close enough to him to douse him. If I buy that Hotshot spray from 50ft away shit I might be okay.

Tallulah- Oh. My. GAWD!

Matty- You are a good boy for getting all of the assigned reading taken care of. A+ on the observation as well. ;)

Grumpy, M.D- Don't hate. Even the biggest bad ass (me, for example) can be deathly afraid of spiders.

Mike- Oh damn! What is Larry is actually a girl, and instead of her sabattical at Golden Coral, she was actually whoring around the neighborhood?

Obese Swan- I have a pretty good imagination, so pictures really aren't necessary. I promise!;)

Nooter said...

wheres moe & curly? under the boxspring mattress? inside a pleat in your shower curtain?

betcha look there every day for a week now, hee hee hee!

(private note to brent: get a fake spider, place it in the medicine cabinet, tie a thread to it and tape the other end of the thread to the inside of the cabinet door. get the video camera and ask her to get you some aspirin please. post the results!) (snicker)

Beau Horner said...

I for one love slamming my nuts in a car door...

At least you're doing something about your fears...even if it IS screaming and jumping around.

Maybe you should invest in a blowtorch. Practice on the one's that are NOT against your house first.

Candice said...

Nooter- He knows better! He would live in fear if he did some shit like that.

Beau- Thanks for acknowledging my progress. I think so too.

FYI- I looked for Larry this morning and he's gone. WTF did he go???? How in the hell am I supposed to kill him when he's not home? said...

I wanted to have a boy so badly. Reason being, an automatic spider and insect squasher.

Leeuna said...

Bad spider. Bad! Hopefully with winter coming on he will soon freeze to death and you'll be free of him. In the meantime close the blinds.

Candice said...

Nancy- Boys do come in handy from time to time. Then again, Taylor isn't really afraid of spiders, so she would have probably killed it if I needed her to.

Leeuna- I'm not sure it gets cold enough here to kill off monster spiders.

Karen said...

I'm plagued with a bit of arachnophobia myself, however, if one vanishes on me and is nowhere to be found?
I convince myself that he is everywhere that I am; in toilet, under pillow, in the oven.
I'm not content or relaxed until said Larry-sibling has been smooshed to a unrecognizable mush.

p.s. Damn you for hoarding your brilliant verbal curses from the rest of us.

kys said...

That spider is effin gi-normous!! I would tell Brent that it's Larry or you. Stay in a hotel untill he mans up and kills the mutated thing. That is the stuff that horror movies are about. (Shuddering)

Fat Daddy said...

Not a big fan of spiders myself. Youwould have died if you had seen the big MF's I ran into on my hunting trip to Florida.

Snakes are pretty much on the same page with me as spiders. This past week I had to dodge snakes that were sunning myself on the path I run on.

Talk about stepping lively.

I hate bugs so much I spray shit on the house that is sure to take at least ten years off my life. We're talking highly toxic. Like birds die when they fly over my house...but no bugs!

Candice said...

Karen- Well, I've been keeping a close eye out around here, trust me. I just hope he never gains access to the indoors. I would need to be hospitalized for sure.

Kys- Well now there's nothing to kill since Larry has gone MIA. I wonder if he heard through the grapevine that I had a hit planned for his big ass?

Fat Daddy- Fuck the birds. That's what I say. As long as you have no bugs, that's the important thing.

Cagey said...

Funny stuff, and I sympathize.

I was terrified of spiders for most of my life. I mean, to the point where I studied up on the subject. The Art of War and all, y'know? Know thine enemy?

But, about 10 years ago I suffered a major head trauma. Damn near killed me. But, through the miracles of modern medicine and some strategically placed additional holes in my head they managed to relieve the resulting subdural hematomas and I live to terrorize again.

One of the side effects of getting whacked so hard, though, was some serious retrograde amnesia. I'm not talking about not being able to find my keys, I mean I didn't even recognize my own mother when I came out of the coma. Made the poor woman cry, and I hate when that happens.

I lost a lot. 30+ years of guitar lessons and computer programming, etc. But, on the plus side, whatever ancient childhood memory that instilled an unnatural fear and loathing of spiders was gone. I see a spider now, and I don't shit my pants - I remind it that it should have been paying attention when I said stay the fuck out of my house just before I squish it deader'n shit. I don't even care if it gets on me.

So, I know it's a mental thing. There's no reason to be afraid of spiders. It's true that they're too damn smart for a bug, but they're still just bugs, and they ain't that smart. They're easier to kill than a boner reminded of Janet Reno [grin]

Candice said...

Cagey- So what you're really saying is that I need a traumatic brain injury in order to get over my spider fear?

Lovely ;)

Derek Bowles said...

I had a brown recluse in my bath tub last night.

And the other day I had a giant wolf spider staring at me from the door way. I forgot how fast them things are.

PorkStar said...

Holy shit yo, that's one fucking humongous hairy thing with legs.


Looking at that pic made my weiner grow waaaaaay smaller just now. (or the past 33 years)

No, really, that shit needs to be shot, hacked into pieces and picked up with a shovel.. and then sent to the National Geographic or some shit...

Brian O'Mara-Croft, Lost in the Hive said...

Don't fret. Spiders make me shriek like a teakettle, too. I love your blog...I hope you don't mind, but I mentioned it on mine.


foxy said...

GOOD LORD, that thing is HUGE! Or is it just reeeeeeeeally zoomed in?

Sometimes Sophia said...

Get your son to catch Hairy Larry in a jar. Maybe you can sell him on eBay or Craig's list. (Also, it's not great when spiders go missing. A zero-tolerance policy is better. Squash the bastard.)

TC said...

Lol...feeling your pain. I take my life in my own hands when I ask hubman to kill a spider for me. Check this scenario:

Me: Honey, quick there's a spider on the ceiling! RIGHT ABOVE OUR BED!

Hubman: What? Oh, can't you get it?

Me: *slight hysterical note enters my voice* Have you MET ME?!?

Hubman: *heaves a very put-upon sigh* Oh, ok.

Me: *watching him poised with a rolled up magazine, ready to make the hit* Wait! Be careful! You really gotta hit it hard. Don't let that fucker bounce and fall down onto the bed!!!

Hubman: I won't! *proceeds to whack the spider, which then falls down onto the bed and DISAPPEARS*

Me: *in full hysterics* OH MY GOD! It fell on the bed! Where is it?! WHERE IS IT!??!!?

Annnd then I slept on the couch.