Unless you are starting out your Monday morning by going to your OBGYN so that you can (die of boredom)wait in a waiting room with 50 knocked up women and their sex deprived husbands, who just so happen to have roving eyes, so that you can get your vagina and boobs felt up by a stranger with an advanced degree, please don't bitch about your "shitty" Monday. Because I can promise you that mine is going to start out shittier than yours.
Know why?
Basically because I said so.
Oh, and the fact that you probably won't be leaking KY out of your nether regions all day is another pretty good indicator of that. I won't even mention the part of having to be placed on the scale like some huge slab of beef. Now really, what the hell does my weight have to do with the health of my lady wallet anydamnway? How bout we just focus on the freaking issue at hand?
And just for the record, if the nurse points out that I weigh more than I did my last visit a yr ago, I'm most likely going to beat the bitch to death with my handbag. Hopefully I'll make the news so that those balloon hoaxing assholes from Denver can fall back into obscurity, because I'm seriously tired of hearing about it, and if I were guessing, you are too. So yeah, you're welcome.
T-minus one hour.
Yippie!
It's times like these that I'd much rather pack meat. Turning and coughing really is where it's at.
Regretfully,
Candice
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31 comments:
ooooh - have fun!
Feel for ya,just did mine last week..I think there ought to be a required test for men where they get their penis smashed in a vice grip so that they can understand how a mammogram feels..
haha oh the many joys of being a woman!!
& while yes, your monday does seem pretty shitty, I'd rather do that and have it over with than work all day, cram for an exam I have today and then do homeword that was due last Friday for my online class & study for another exam I have tomorrow.. fun fun ..NOT!! As you see, my day blows too! Plus I still have to clean up my house from Ace's party
OH & I have something for you on my blog =)
Do you have one of those really big purses to beat her with?? I always get on the scale backwards after stripping down to my skivvies because my ponytail holder might weigh an ounce.
I freaking hate that appointment !
I hate that cold rod, and I hate being felt up, and I hate feeling like a hairgel dispenser.
I remember the first appointment I had. My grandma died that day, and the lady doing the exam messed up and I had to get prodded with that metal rod twice.
Love the post!!!!!
but...
I kind of feel that women and their OBGYNs have it easy...as you'll be able to see here and here
At least you are used to having your boobs gropped and things inserted into your ...'womanwallet'
Good stuff though!!!
Hope it all goes well.
Lady Wallet....LMAO
Have fun! and if it makes you feel ANY better, I have a freakish leftover suture trying to escape to the outside world, poking OUT of my VaJayJay.....I would rather go for the normal poke session than deal with this stitch constantly. Ouch.
Just saying.
Joy! Look on the bright side, it can only get better from there...
I thought women became more bothered women mens eyes no longer roamed in their direction?
I guess there is a bright side there for you.
The other bright side is that you do not have to go often.
I need to change my major from Phys Ed. to Pre-Med with the goal to become an OB/GYN. I am not a breast man. I prefer the downside of a woman :)
I'm thinking like you are, let's save the KY for the good dtuff, tonite!
Secretia
Another day of hilarious-ness (if thats even a word, oh well).
I hate going to the doctor too, that doctor anyways. That KY is horrible. I will be thinking of you today.
And... I won't begin to complain about my Monday ;)
Orah- It was a party. A party in my vagina. Whoo-freaking-hoo!
Snugs- Now I like that idea!
Shanni- Okay, so fine. Your Monday sucks worse than mine. ;)
Lee- It's big enough that I could totally knock her out with it if enough force is applied.
Senorita- Hair gel dispenser! That's a pretty good way to put it. Very accurate!
Tentcamper- Nice posts. ;)Sorry about your ass.
Denise- Do I even want to know why you have sutures in your Vah-hee-na?
That One Mom- Damn straight.
Tom- True. Once a year is plenty. Of course I'll be leaking KY until then, so I still have the right to bitch about it. ;)
Chris- That would be the perfect job for you then.
Secretia- I come pre-lubed these days. How's that for enticing?
Queen Mama- Thanks for the thoughts. I survived and I remain intact. ;)
I can beat you hands down but won't bore you with it here. Suffice it to say, though, that my day started roughly the same as yours although i was warm and cozy in happy dreamland when the poking and prodding started here. Why TF does being in the same GD bed mean it's OK to wake us up when the mood strikes?
Okay, in comparison, my Monday doesn't seem as bad.
Should I assume you were there for an annual visit, or do you have news to share with all of us reading your blog?
Leaking KY the rest of the day is right... that's the worst thing about that appt!! Well, for me anyway. Maybe that's because my dr is a hottie. :)
Well if I have my vagina poked and prodded any morning I'd have bigger problems.
Stories like this make me glad my wallet resides in my pocket, and I haven't had to cough since I played sports in high school. I also decided to sleep in today.
Gyno visits are the worse. Besides the leakage you mentioned I hate, HATE when they make me scoot down more on the paper.
"Scoot down."
"A little more."
"Just a little more."
"Ah that's it now that you've torn the 'sanitary' paper and have your ass hanging in the air."
...okay so I made up the last sentence but all the rest is true.
You win. Your Monday sucked far more than mine did.
Y'know... it occurs to me that you're a nurse. You of all people should appreciate the value of preventative maintenance, if for no other reason than you're constantly exposed to what happens without it. So, quitcher bitchin'! [grin]
What I'd like to hear are some of the funny stories about your patients. Or, at least the stories around the water cooler between the girls. I know the last time I was in for a lengthy stay, when I wasn't pissing them off for pulling wires/tubes off or out, I was a great source of amusement to the nurses. Between the near-hypoxia and the wicked drugs they were giving me, I had a whole different perception of reality that none of my high school and college experimentation prepared me for.
I have a friend who almost came to blows with the nurse at her gyno's office because she refused to get on the scale.
It's stories like those that make me feel fortunate to be a man. I'll never loathe a Monday again.
And that's reason #32 in my upcoming book "Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not a Chick".
Wait, is your handbag the same thing as your lady wallet? Cause if you are going to beat someone to death with it, you should really get that shit down on video. You know, for posterity. And maybe for sale??
You poor thing. I don't like ANYBODY poking me "early in the morning". They might get an eye scratched out.
But don't you feel better now that it's all over...just asking.
I actually do own a vagina wallet--bought it on Etsy. It doesn't see much action these day either.
It really is better than a finger up the ass though. :)
PS - I tagged you on my blog!
Peg- Because he can, that's why. Shut him down a time or two. Perhaps even chomp down on that shit and claim you were still dreaming. That might put a stop to that bullshit.
Ron- I thought you said anal visit at first, and yes, I was there for my anal visit.
Foxy- I'm anti-male OBGYN for some reason.
Mike- Ha. I bet.
FreakSmack- Now you know that you should have a physical every 2 years, right? Don't make me get all health wise up on your ass. Do you at least feel your testicles monthly? For lumps, I mean?
Brandy- I'm a good girl and just go ahead and scoot my ass all the way off the table the first time. ;)
Beth- Good. I'm happy for you. ;)
Cagey- I know, I know. Haven't you heard that nursed make the worst patients though? It's pretty much right on the money.
By the way, I've got some ER stories in the works for ya.
kys- I thought I was going to get away with it yesterday. I made it to the room before the MA relaized she didn't weigh me. I told her to just write down what I weighed last visit, but that shit didn't fly.
Mike- Good boy.
knucklehead- Let me know when it's published. Can't wait!
Scott- Ha! No it's much bigger than my lady wallet. Cost alot more too, since my actual lady wallet lost it's value after having kids. However, I wouldn't hesitate to beat a bitch down with it if need be.
Leeuna- Yeah, I feel fabulous. That's assuming I don't hear back saying I have cervical cancer or some shit like that.
PEFL- I know! I remember that post with a picture of it. Hilarious!
Sassy Pants- What's wrong with that? ;)
No, my day was worse than yours.
After a lump? was found on physical exam, I went for a mammogram, a bilateral ultrasound. Then they call me back on the 19th Oct for another 2 mammograms (the 1st not being clear enough) then another ultrasound and then to top off my 6 1/2 hour day at the womens centre, a biopsy. By the end of that, I was starting to think about a full blown panic attack. Not from the chance of breast cancer, but from being trapped by the tit, multiple times.
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