Thursday, October 29, 2009

It doesn't happen very often, but perhaps I was wrong ...

As you may remember in my last post, we recently made a family trip to the Halloween (YO, why don't you stare at my ample tits) store to get costumes for the rug rats. What I failed to mention is that I also got a costume for myself.

Yes, I know it's ridiculous for an adult to buy a costume, right? I would have thought so before I moved to this neighborhood as well. I mean, we were in Va for 8 yrs and I never saw the parents dress up. However, when we moved back to the great state of Texas, I observed an alarming trend. The parental units dress up when they take their kids trick or treating. I thought this was pathetic as hell until I realized what was really going on. Those sly aholes were drunk! That's right. Apes, clowns, sexy vampires, cops, etc.... walking around my "hood" with booze, just sipping on gin and juice while little Timmy walked up to the door and took my precious chocolate like a thief in the night.

So while we were picking out costumes for the kids, I began to reach deep down into my inner child, and I figured what the hell, if you can't beat 'em, drink with 'em! I will say that it was very difficult to find an adult costume that was child appropriate. Just about all of those that I really liked would have gotten my ass kicked up and down my block, and CPS would have most likely gotten involved as well.

So what did I do? I settled. That's what I did.

I went with something soft and sensual. Something erotic. Something that screamed sex appeal in the nicest, most child friendly way. I really hope that my neighbors aren't going to be jealous when they see me prancing around in my hot outfit, but they probably will be. I mean, I would totally be jealous if I were them, but whatever. I guess they will just have to deal with their insecurities on their own, because I'm not going to let it cramp my style. Basically, if they can't handle all of this sexiness, tough shit!

Got one word for ya....


So fierce in fact, I changed my mind about dressing up. I wasn't sure if I should show all of that action off in my neighborhood. Especially without a mask being involved to cover up my face. So I called Brent and we had the following conversation.

Me- I need the receipt for my Halloween costume.

Brent- Why?

Me- Because I just do. I'm fairly certain that I've changed my mind about dressing up. I don't think we have enough booze that would lower my inhibitions enough to make me put that damn thing on and not feel like a complete jackass. Plus, I seriously doubt the kids are going to want to be seen in public with me with my udders all poking out and whatnot.

Brent- Too late.

Me- Why is that?

Brent- Because what you failed to notice that day at the registers, you know, while you were looking at Miss Wonder Tits and all, was the SIGNAGE that read, due to the seasonal nature of the merchandise, NO RETURNS ALLOWED.

Me- Oh.... Well damn!

Brent- Yeah... damn. So it looks like you're stuck being a bovine after all. I'll hit the liquor store before Saturday and stock up on some tasty libations.

Me- Asshole!

Brent- Moo-Hoo.

So perhaps instead of looking at the titty factory that day, he really was doing more important things, like reading fine print.

In closing, I must ask you all one thing.


Brian O'Mara-Croft said...

That costume is the Cow's Tits!!! Is hubby going as a bull?

Tamis said...

I saw someone wearing that same costume while we were at the pumpkin patch. Why would anyone wear a costume to pick pumpkins? not enough booze on the farm for that. You should have seen the guys looking at her... My kids Grandpa had a big grin on his face...Geesh, Dad you are disgusting!

My bet is you will be popular and get lotsa feedback! Just make sure to use your biggest travel mug. That is what I plan to do! well that and the fact I will be loaded before I even walk out the door. Gee, I hope we don't get lost.

Candice said...

Brian- Brent is going as a jackass this year because he's refusing to dress up. Kill joy!

Scott Oglesby said...

Damn Candice, you shouldn’t do that to your faithful male readers. That was like telling a guy you’re going to bring him a steak and then bringing him a ….well, a hamburger. If you were going to go the comedy route, I was going to tell you to buy an astronaut costume, and some adult diapers, and carry a fake taser. Then Brent could’ve also worn an astronaut costume but with a t-shirt on top that said, ‘don’t tase me bro!’ Then you would have gotten two hilarious news stories for the price of one.

You do look hot in black and white though. The 4 inches of you that I can see.

SupaCoo said...

The costume is... interesting. Any way you can fill the teats with Bailey's or something and "milk" yourself all night?

I think there should be trick or treating for adults where you hand out little airplane bottles of liquor. Yeah, I'm pretty much a genius.

Secretia said...

Very fun blog to read today. Have fun at the walking trick or treat party, drink lots of the good stuff!

Adult costumes are the best! The sexiest!


Cassie said...

Rock out with your udders out !!!!! Hellz ya !!!! posted pics of my Michelle Duggar costume, Pop over and check them out :o)

Donna said...

As the proud owner of a cow, I just want to say you've set bovines back at least 1,000 years.

Another Suburban Mom said...

Love the costume. Bravo for not going the slutty route. However, couldn't you just wear your scrubs and carry a whip and just be you.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

You know what they say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free....moo hoo....LOL!!

God said...

Rad nips. Make sure they don't get chapped.

(I always use some chapstick on mine, a little trick I learned from growing up on the farm.)

Sometimes Sophia said...

Just don't be suprised when your kids don't come home for a while.

My son would have looked at me once and firmly stated, "I don't know you" before walking out the door.

If you have second thoughts, maybe you could pop the udders inside out and use it as a candy basket... and tell the kids you're a dalmatian kangaroo. ;)

kys said...

That pic is kind of cow porn-ish with you fondling your teats like that.

Fat Daddy said...

Show us your teats!!! Oh I guess you cow slut you.

You have young kids. My two oldest (the teenagers) would have died had my wife worn that. they would pull out all the stops to prevent it.

Like threatening to make her a grandma asap, or turning to drugs. The power of embarrassment is really something. You will need it later on, so take lots of pictures that include your kids and you.

Candice said...

Tamis- I don't think I own a travel mug that large. Perhaps I'll just walk around with the blender instead.

Scott- Brilliant idea for the Halloween costume. I'll try and remember that one for next year.

SupaCoo- Halloween would officially be awesome if alcohol was the treat of choice for adults. I'm sure some GHB would be thrown in for good measure from time to time depending on what neighborhood you lived in, but I would look at that as merely a sleep aid and nothing more.

Secretia- That's why I choose that particular costume. Nothing oozes sex appeal more than a cow.

Cassie- You are a dead ringer for MD!! Complete with the bad 80's hair. Good job!

Donna- Ha!!! I hope your cows are a little more useful than I am. I don't even produce milk.

Another Suburban Mom- Nah. I really wanted to change things up a bit. Moooooove out of my comfort zone, if you will.

Lee- Ain't nuthin' free about this milk honey child. ;)

God- I've got plenty of Udderly Smooth. I should be aiight.

Thanks for keeping my tits in your thoughts though.

Sometimes Sophia- Well, when I asked Taylor if I could go trick or treating with her, she stated "Uh, I've got other plans."

Luckily Aidan said that I could go with him. However, there were stipulations. First I can't dance. Like "at all." Then I'm not allowed to touch my "boob thingies". And finally "Maybe I should ask my friends first..."


Kys- Hopefully it made you hot.

Fat Daddy- Oh, I'll take some pictures alright. Believe you me.

By the way, what in the hell does "believe you me" mean anyway? My Mom used to say that shit all the time and I thought it sounded retarded. Anyway, I thought I'd bust out with it so that I could sound retarded too.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

I think you are utterly ridculous!

You have a good time trick or treating, drinkin and acting like you have mad cow disease!!!


Happy Halloween!


Candice said...

Owl- Thanks! I'll see what I can do. ;)

snugs said...

totally not what I was expecting from you!

Amber D. said...

Dayum, all the boys at the farm are gonna go WILD over that one. I guess it's not too different from what slutty grown ups wear out to bars on Halloween... both costumes have ample nipple hanging out. I admire your bravery.

Lucas said...

If you can make the booze come out your teats, I think you'd be the hit of the block and I'd line up first for some of that action! Kids be damned!

Shanni ♥ said...

I may have pee'd just a little bit when I saw that! haha

You make that cow look GOOOOD!

Jay said...

I see you just can't keep your hands off your udders. That's kind of sexy.

Senorita said...

Haha, that's awesome !

You're a very pretty cow.

foxy said...

Nice! When I first saw the title to this post, I was all whaaaaa?? Candice is NEVER wrong... wtf?

Those udders are HAWT.

Candice said...

Snugs- See, I'm not against making a total fool out of myself.

Amber- I think I'm going to go all Janet Jackson and pain a few nipple rings on my udders for effect. I want people to notice them. Think that will work?

Lucas- Yes!! That's a great idea. I would be the hit of my neighborhood for sure.

Shanni- Thank You.:)

Jay- My udders are soft and smooth. What can I say?

Senorita- I'm Mooooo-ved. Thanks! (okay I won't do that anymore. . . I promise!)

Foxy- You're right. I'm really never wrong. I'm full aware that Brent both noticed the humongous tits AND the sign. So what if I was more focused on the tits? I can't be perfect ALL of the time.

Mike said...

I say you make that thing functional. Attach some baby bottle nipples to the teets and fill it up with beer. You'll be the most popular girl at the party.

Mike said...

It's utterly adorable. I love dressing up for the holiday. It's true some areas don't dress up as much as others. We use to dress up in NY and you're right I don't see as many do so in VA.

Danielle said...

You really moooved me with this one.
But I agree, they can't make a beverage strong enough to sport a costume around.

Your boobs do look marvelous though.

That One Mom said...

Amazing. Udderly amazing. You're a damn hot cow, my friend.

The best part about where we go trick or treating is that each house is passing out parent friendly beverages to keep us warm. It's beautiful!!!

FreakSmack said...

I'd like to start off by saying. I really like Mike's idea with the beer filled utters.

In defense of Brent for yesterday, I would like to say I have been falsely accused of that very crime. Most times we are looking yes, probably 99.9% of the time, but sometimes there's something shiny that catches our eyes. No man can withstand shiny.

Candice said...

Mike- Good idea. I can do Udder stands as well. Similar to keg stands, but slightly different since they will be sucking on my udders.

Mike- What does that say about adults in Va???? Hmmm

Danielle- No shit. I'm pretty sure I'd die of alcohol poisoning first.

That One Mom- Maybe we need to mooooove? (shit!)

Freaksmack- Alright, fine. I'll cut you dudes some slack.

Queen Mama said...

Yet again, you never fail. I absolutely LOVE the costume. It don't scream nasty obscenities, but I am sure there will be some man in your 'hood that says to himself, "I'd like to suck on one of those"

Ha. Have a happy halloween!

Candice said...

Queen Mama- Hopefully he'll keep that thought to himself, if so. ;)

Cagey said...

Sooo... is this some back-handed sort of way to tell us you're a "Furry" now? And if so, why a cow? Of all things furry and sexy, you should be a rabbit or a mink, right? Maybe a cat? Cows are kinda blocky and beefy. What Janet Reno would be if she(?) were a furry.

I gotta say, I'm confused. Even the big udders don't fix anything. You've been in women's locker rooms. You know what super-size udders look like in real life. Not attractive, unless you're looking to start an IV line and can't find a candidate in the extremeties [grin]

Knucklehead said...

That's an udder cowtastrophe.

Candice said...

Cagey- I feel like a cow half of the time, so I just went with it. ;)

Knucklehead- Ha! Nice one.

Cagey said...

I don't think I've ever met a woman who didn't think she felt like a cow at least half the time. Most of them, though, I don't think have ever felt a cow. It's nothing to write home about. Pretty much a non-event.

I'm sceptical of those who say they feel like shit, too, although I don't offer to test their opinions like I do for those who say they feel good. I'll be the judge of that.

Candice said...

Cagey- I feel how I would IMAGINE a cow would feel on a good day. ;)