Yes, I know it's ridiculous for an adult to buy a costume, right? I would have thought so before I moved to this neighborhood as well. I mean, we were in Va for 8 yrs and I never saw the parents dress up. However, when we moved back to the great state of Texas, I observed an alarming trend. The parental units dress up when they take their kids trick or treating. I thought this was pathetic as hell until I realized what was really going on. Those sly aholes were drunk! That's right. Apes, clowns, sexy vampires, cops, etc.... walking around my "hood" with booze, just sipping on gin and juice while little Timmy walked up to the door and took my precious chocolate like a thief in the night.
So while we were picking out costumes for the kids, I began to reach deep down into my inner child, and I figured what the hell, if you can't beat 'em, drink with 'em! I will say that it was very difficult to find an adult costume that was child appropriate. Just about all of those that I really liked would have gotten my ass kicked up and down my block, and CPS would have most likely gotten involved as well.
So what did I do? I settled. That's what I did.
I went with something soft and sensual. Something erotic. Something that screamed sex appeal in the nicest, most child friendly way. I really hope that my neighbors aren't going to be jealous when they see me prancing around in my hot outfit, but they probably will be. I mean, I would totally be jealous if I were them, but whatever. I guess they will just have to deal with their insecurities on their own, because I'm not going to let it cramp my style. Basically, if they can't handle all of this sexiness, tough shit!
Got one word for ya....
So fierce in fact, I changed my mind about dressing up. I wasn't sure if I should show all of that action off in my neighborhood. Especially without a mask being involved to cover up my face. So I called Brent and we had the following conversation.
Me- I need the receipt for my Halloween costume.
Me- Because I just do. I'm fairly certain that I've changed my mind about dressing up. I don't think we have enough booze that would lower my inhibitions enough to make me put that damn thing on and not feel like a complete jackass. Plus, I seriously doubt the kids are going to want to be seen in public with me with my udders all poking out and whatnot.
Brent- Too late.
Me- Why is that?
Brent- Because what you failed to notice that day at the registers, you know, while you were looking at Miss Wonder Tits and all, was the SIGNAGE that read, due to the seasonal nature of the merchandise, NO RETURNS ALLOWED.
Me- Oh.... Well damn!
Brent- Yeah... damn. So it looks like you're stuck being a bovine after all. I'll hit the liquor store before Saturday and stock up on some tasty libations.
So perhaps instead of looking at the titty factory that day, he really was doing more important things, like reading fine print.
In closing, I must ask you all one thing.