The only problem is that I'm sort of embarrassed to use it. So I kind of have to sneak it out of my wallet all spy-like so that nobody figures out that I'm a mathematically challenged tard. By the way, don't hate. We are special, and we need love too! The other issue is that I still have to do math, because the damn card only goes up to a certain amount. I mean, that's automatic addition right there if you spend over $50 bucks!
So today the receptionist gives me my total, and then she lets me in on the fact that since I'm using my debit card, I will incur a 4 dollar service fee of some sort, so next time if I don't want to incur that fee, I need to pay with cash or check. Do they even MAKE checks anymore? Seriously, what the fuck?
Anyway, I was all trying to glance at my stupid "Hey you're a big dumb ass!" card to figure out how much to leave my new girlfriend, but blabber jaws was busy trying to distract me by telling me I just got slightly finger banged for 4 dollars for simply using my god damned debit card for some reason that I still don't fully understand because I was trying to simultaneously do some simple addition in my brain! (phew... run-on much?)Then it happened. My mind went blank and I panicked. Blabber jaws told me again what the total was, and then her eyes began to glare into my very soul. Then I tried to distract her by cracking some joke, thinking that would buy me more time to figure out my long and drawn out mathematical equation, but instead I just blurted out a number that sounded good.
This is nothing new. I've done it many times before, and it's another reason Brent got me that damn tip card, because I've never once UNDER tipped using my freak out method.
So after I left, the following text conversation took place between Brent and myself.
Me- "So yeah, I'm just gonna throw this out there. What would YOU tip on a $170.00 bill?"
Me- " You know... hypothetically speaking."
Brent- "$25 or $26"
Me- "Motherfucker!"
Brent- "?"
Me- "I went slightly above that."
Brent- "????"
Me- "$50"
Brent- "Jesus woman."
Me- "Should I go back and try to get some cunnilingus out of the deal?"
Brent- "Got two words for ya. TIP CARD."
Me- "It's embarrassing! I did look at it, but wasn't able to add that fast on the spot. It's too much pressure."
Brent- "That's it. I'm sending your ass to the Math-NAY-sium. By the way, she's going to feel screwed next time you give her a regular tip."
Me- "She can suck it!"
So there you have it. My weakness has been thrown out there for all of you to see. I hope we can just look past this so we can move on. I mean, I'm totally willing if you are.
What I really want to know is this, what is YOUR weakness? I mean, besides hookers and smoking crack of course.
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39 comments:
My weakness? Tipping attractive women way too much. And before my nutrition tightened up I used to order Outback just to get to flirt with the Outback delivery girl at work.
The tip card, good one. There's also that handy little feature on my cell phone, usually my hubs is the one doing all of the calculating. I waited tables through college so I remember it all too well.
People that are crazy-talented writers (you know, like you and I) tend to suck harry balls at math. I think it’s a right brain/left brain type of thing. Or wait; is it top brain/bottom brain type of thing? I suck at directions too.
I know one thing; you are making me want to use my degree from Pitt to wipe my ass the next time I drop the kids at the pool. I think I’m going to get into the exciting and rewarding career of cosmetology and beauty! Damn, they make plastic surgeon money. I over-tip too, because I’m a gambler and I think it’ll bring me good luck or karma.
I have many weaknesses, blondes among them. But the first one that pops into my head is agreeing with the Spanish. My Spanish still sucks, and they use a really guttural dialect around here. So when they are trying to tell me something of importance I just nod my head and agree. I think I may have accidentally sold my car for a bag of almonds yesterday. It beats having to say ‘no entiendo.’
My own two feet- Niiiice. I bet you aren't the only one that's ever done that.. ;)
Theta Mom- That's my excuse for not knowing how to calculate tips. Brent always does it. It's his fault!
Scott- Hmm, I've never really thought of myself as a "writer"
I wonder if I can convince Brent to let me quit my day job so that I can go to Fiji or some place equally cool so that I can work on my new book?
Would you buy my memoire? ;)
Candice.. I would buy your memoire! As long as I didn't have to tip anyone! I'm with you here, I pretty much suck at math.
Whenever I have to leave a tip at the bottom of a mastercard receipt I panic! I usually go with like $5-$10. (I rarely spend more than $20 while out eating) but for some reason I always like to round it up so say my bill was $6.23 I would want to leave a tip so that the bill would be $10. I don't know why I do this, but I do. So I would sit there for a few minutes trying to do the math before I realize it's $4.77 or is it $3.77? SEE! Gets me every time! HA
You've just inspired a similar post for me! I'll have to get started on that!
I usually double the tax. I have no idea if that's appropriate, but that's what I do... unless the waiter/bartender is hot. Then I decide how much money the dude deserves for flirting with me all night.
And great new picture on your banner... you're a smokin' hottie!!
I would buy your book if I had to. But I won’t have to considering that I’ll be your ghost writer in Fiji. By ‘ghost writer’ I mean I’ll surf, lie out in the sun, drink, and get you refills on your Mia Tia’s. And maybe occasionally think up new and exiting words for asshat and lady wallet. That should definitely earn me a complimentary copy!
Here is a good way to figure tip.
Take off the last number and double what is left.
If bill is $10.00 take off the 0 and double the 1 so your 20% tip is $2.00
If bill is $170.00 take off 0 double the 17 and you have $34.00 tip.
Also - most cell phones now have tip calculators in them.
:-)
They seriously charged you $4 to use your debit card?!?!? WTF! Ever heard of cost of doing business people! I would totally bitch, but that's me!
"Once I had to leave the mall looking like a drowned rat because I refused to pay extra for someone to blow me..."
I've had the same experience. ;-)
I pay $10 for a haircut. Well, $8 for the haircut, and $2 for the tip.
And $4 to use a debit card is highway robbery! Who is their bank? The Mafia Savings and Loan?
isnt there an app. for that?
Weakness? I over-tip everyone. Not because I can't do grade school math, but because people that need to be tipped don't make ass for a living. And there is also that teensy problem of people under tipping because they can't do simple math or they are fucking tight wads. I'm hoping I can do my part in life for making up for them.
She's gonna be SO HAPPY when you come back again!
Yeah, and the $4 debit card fee - COMPLETE HORSESHIT. WTF is that about?
I don't care how good she is. $170??? It isn;t like she has to recreate the whell - she has good material to work with with you. $170 should be what it would be to fix up the lady who lives under the bridge or something. That and the $4 debit card shit would have me pissed off enough to leave & never come back. Surely YOU of all people have a cool cell phone that has a tip calculator on it. Look in the "TOOLS" section. You should be familiar with that ;)
Did you see my video I e-mailed to you on FB? Thought of you instantly when I saw it :)
Oh we are SO of the same Mathless Gene Pool! I have that very same Tip Card in my wallet and have had that very same panic attack at the salon! GAAA!! I HATE math!
Dont you have a tip calculator on your cell? I made a shortcut to mine so I just flip the phone open and press one and there it is.
Shit....my wife needs to start charging more for a cut and a color.
You can get a tipping application for most phones so you can make believe your checking your phone.
Yeah I hate to pay extra for someone to blow me too. ;)
What the FUCK does she do for $170??? I mean, holy. shit. I pay $50 for highlights!
I don't really think you over tipped your hair dresser too much... I'm not sure where the idea that 10% is a GOOD tip ever emerged. Search any good tip etiquette guide and 10% is for shit service. 15%-20% is for good service. If you were that excited about your freakin' hair, why not tip more? Brent's advice of a tip would have been less than stellar. The douche's that actually believe that hairdresser got to keep a good percentage of the $170 you spent... are just that, douche bags. I suppose it's easy for me to figure tips since our taxes are around 8%. I just double the tax shown on the receipt. That is if the service was good.
Glad you found a good hair stylist. They're hard to come by!
I love this story, it really made me laugh out loud. "Charge $40 to blow me" hahah, brilliant.
Check out my blog, I just got into this whole world!
http://harlemshaterade.blogspot.com
Uh, Chelsi, for $170, 15% is $25.50. If 15% is for good service, I'd say my estimate of $25-26 was pretty much right in the ballpark...
Ok. Lemme get this straight. The woman charges you $170 for some kind of hair work, and then you feel like you need to tip her?
I would feel the need to call the police. Unless, of course, that comes with a new pair of shoes and a violent orgasm.
Every day of my life reminds me I went into the wrong business.
I am going to simply ignore the temptation to respond to the "pay extra to blow me" line.
Honest, I am.
Nice article abouthigh priced ass-raping salons. That does sound painfull, slow and easy is a lot more fun. Tipping always freaks me a little too, I understand.
Nice blog too, I'll follow you!
Secretia
Brent,
You're right. Apparently I either can't multiply, didn't take the time to on my drive home last night, or am a complete dumb ass. Whatever the case may be... I see now that your figures match up. However, if Candice was so utterly excited over her fan.fucking.tastic new hair do, 20% should have been in the cards to start with and 15% would have been less than stellar. Acceptable and appreciated, hell yes. But, not stellar.
Ok, glad we were able to clarify things. :)
We probably don't want to start the discussion about a tip amount being "acceptable" - a tip/gratuity is a voluntary payment and is in no way required at all.
How and what the colorist gets paid is between her and the salon owner - I'm not a party to that conversation. If either party doesn't like the deal, they negotiate a new one or walk away.
Do you tip your cashier at Walmart?
I try to avoid tipping situations whenever possible.
Look at it this way, you found a hair lady you really like and I'm sure she really likes you now. You'll have good hair days the rest of your life and that's something you can put no price limit on.
Maybe I need to become a hair dresser. I've never, not even once, gotten a tip - much less been over-tipped.
You're right. We probably don't want to start that discussion. We probably don't want to talk about Wal Mart either.
Shanni- Now that's what I'm talkin' bout. I've got one potential buyer that isn't related to me. SCORE!
Amber- A few of my friends double the tax also. That's still having to do addition, so to me that idea blows. I'm going to check and see if my blackberry has a tip program thing because I'm lazy like that.
Scott- If you refill my drinks like a good boy I'll give you a 2 complimentary copies. One for you, and one for the wife.
tjames- Huh??? ;)
Yeah, I really need a tip program where I can just enter in the total bill and hit a 20 percent button. Voila!
That one mom- No shit. I'll be paying in cash or check next trip for sure.
Jay- You must go to the same place Brent goes to get his haircut. I will also be inquiring about their 4 dollar take it up the ass charge next time I go in. I'll let you know.
Nooter- I'm sure there is.
Tallulah- I always tip well even when I'm able to do the math. ;) The only time I don't is when the person doing their job sucks balls. I'm sorry, but just because they have a shitty job, I don't think it's my duty in life to tip them well when they go out of their way to be a total dick to their customers. That's just my opinion.
Foxy- Well, she better learn to enjoy a smaller tip, but She's not going to get that much from me again unless it's around Christmas time or something. I ususally go bigger around that time of year.
Peg- Refresh my memory on the facebook vid.
By the way, I can't even find my tools folder if that tells you anything.. biotch! ;)
Linda- We must be related. :)
Anon- I need to check. I have no idea. It's a blackberry so I would think that it would have one.
Uli- She definitely should.
Mike- ha!
Sayvandalay- I think it has alot to do with the area that I live in. She doesn't do much more than what you could imagine any hair stylist doing. I didn't pay that much for my hair in Richmond Va. It wasn't cheap, but it wasn't quite as much as I pay here.
Chelsi- Good to see that I'm not the only one that blows at math. ;)
Harlem's A Hatin'- Thanks for reading. I'll stop by and check you out as well.
Cagey- Tell me about it. I give people euphoric drugs and wipe their asses, among other things and I don't get a damn tip! Where's MY fucking tip?
knucklehead- You did very well. I'm proud of you!
Secretia- Yeah, it wasn't the slow and easy type. That's for sure.
Chelsi- Well, she got well over her 20% tip from me. Oh, and she's also the OWNER of the salon so I'm pretty sure she's not scrounging for scraps or anything even if I did give her a lowly 15%.
Brent- I'm usually shitting my pants when my chasier at wal-mart is able to check me out in under 30 min. So sometimes I do feel the need to tip them. ;)
Sue- That's true. Unless she's like many of the people that I go to around here that do a flawless job the first time I go to them, and then they suck ass and make me look like a retarded hooker the following visits.
It remains to be seen.
Whoopsie! That sucks! The $4 charge is horseshit as someone else says. The cc companies charge them fees and they are not supposed to pass on the fees to you the consumer (against the TOS they signed when getting charge machine) but some places do.
My hubby does the math normally so I don't have to. LOL We typically do 20%. If your bill was 170 then 10% would be 17.00 then double it and you have your tip of $34 (for the 10% you can just move the decimal over to the left one space as well) That is how I do it.
Since it was your first time nothing wrong to tip extra for a job well done. I think I would tip $4 less of my 20% or so in future and tell them why though as that surcharge they try and pass on pisses me the fuck off! :)
You don't need a tip program if you have a calculator. Just multiply the dollar amount by .20 and the answer will be 20%.
170 x .20 = 34
Or, multiply by .15 to get 15%.
170 x .15 = 25.5
Some would say for poor service you should only tip 10%
170 x .10 = 17
but I say for poor service your tip should be to inform them they're in the wrong business.
Actually, you don't need the trailing zeros, but it might make it easier to remember.
Obese Swan- Trust me, the thought did cross my mind to subtract 4 bucks from the tip I was leaving due to the outrageous surcharge, but that would have required me do even MORE math. So I said F it. ;)
I am a little late to this party, but have to say. YOU PAID FOR THE BLOW job my dear. $170.00! You should have been blown by every person in that damn salon!!!
A registered nurse who can't add? Tsk Tsk. I suspect that with an RN degree, you are better than you say.
But, I digress. A simple way of quickly figuring out a, let's say 20% tip, is to multiply the 2 in the 20% times the first two numbers of the bill, 17. You get 34, or $34.00 tip. Same applies to 10% tips. That's always easy because there's no multiplying. Just move the decimal point over for 10%. For a $170.00 bill, the decimal goes over one place to the left, and $170.00 becomes $17.00, and that's your 10% tip.
And no, I'm no math whiz. I got C's in school in math.
This way you can "ballpark the tip in your head while they are watching and waiting, without pulling out that cheat sheet tip card.
Got it?
Cagey- Your idea is probably the easiest one for me to remember to be honest. Although I'm sure I'll forget about it in 4 weeks when I go back. ;)
Danielle- I was blown and didn't enjoy it? WTF??
Matty- Okay, so I may not be QUITE as bad as I let on, but it's pretty close. ;)
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