Naturally, it sort of annoyed me that he was doing nothing while I was busy, so I nonchalantly mentioned that the garage was a fucking pig sty. How's THAT for nonchalant? I also made him aware that if he rearranged some things, I could pull my vehicle up a little more so that I'm not having to Flat Stanley myself between the bumper of the car and the closed garage door every time I go out to grab things out of the spare freezer. (which is quite often since there are fudge pops out there!)
So he basically said that cleaning the garage wasn't in his plans for the day, so Bitch Candice had to make an appearance. Now there are many different faces of bitch Candice. There is one face that will bust into defense lawyer mode, and I'll argue every point that is thrown in my face, and then I'll have my opponent seeing my point and eventually apologizing that they ever disagreed with me in the first place. This side of Candice doesn't have to come out very often unless you are an asshole.
Then there is ghetto Candice. She may be white, but she can head bob, eye roll, and finger point with the best of them while simultaneously giving a stern verbal lashing. She tends to show up more when alcohol is involved. Holla!
Then there is the silent but deadly face of Candice. No, I don't go around the house blowing ass in order to get my way. I'll just ignore you. Now many of you are probably asking yourself what's so bad about that? I have no idea, but it works like a charm, so I use it. In fact, I used it today for the garage incident, and within an hour Brent was outside cleaning the garage.
Now he's hanging his lip because I "made him clean the garage when he was ill". Here is a snippet of the convo we just had.
Brent- "I hope you're happy now."
Candice- "I am. It looks great out there. Don't you feel better now that it's all clean an organized?"
Brent- "Uh no. I'm ill, and all of the dust that I stirred up sweeping has made it difficult for me to breathe."
Candice- "Oh. You are still sick?"
Brent- "Are you kidding me? Am I living with Helen fucking Keller around here? Haven't you heard me coughing my lungs up for the past week?"
Candice- "Yes, and to be quite honest it's annoying as hell. Is it strictly necessary to cough that damn loud?"
Brent- "Let me get this straight. I cough too loud now?
Candice- "Yes. Like a goddamned seal or something. To be honest, I've daydreamed about clubbing your ass all week."
Brent- "Whatever."
So anyway, the garage is clean and I can pull my car up farther than I did previously, allowing me to not have to shimmy my fat ass between the car and the garage door. All is now right in my world.
Oh, and I'm also hoping to get rid of more crap on Craigslist. Hopefully I'll have as good of luck as I did this time, and that time. Here is my latest ad.
Large dog crate/kennel for sale. Unfortunately husband has outgrown it - $50
Are you tired of your husband giving you lip? Is he not taking out the trash, picking up after himself, or does he forget to flush the toilet after giving birth to the remnants of his last meal? No worries, just crate him!
This wire dog crate is in great shape, and has obviously come in handy on plenty of occasions. My husband states that it wasn't all that comfortable for him, but it should be fine for your dog assuming that's what you plan on doing with this thing.
The dimensions are as follows. 30Hx30Wx48L.
Trust me, it has taken me 5 different attempts to get those measurements straight. I eventually realized that this crate wasn't built for a camel or a giraffe, and I was finally able to get it right. I'm very proud of myself.
Anyway, if you want to come and pick this up for $50 cash money, feel free to contact Candice at the anonymous email link above. What? I've got to protect myself against all of you serial killers out there.
P.S.- And no, I won't be shipping this to Nigeria even if you do offer me 10K in a cashiers check to do so.
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25 comments:
HAHAHA. I am so impressed with your whip-cracking skilz. I am happy you have a clean garage and that your hubs finally made it happen for you. :))
Hey I just replied to an ad for a large wire dog crate on Craigslist. I'm supposed to go see it tomorrow Want to send me yours instead?
You are far more patient and tolerant than I. Men in my life don't even get to stay long enough to have their own crate! ; )
Thanks once again for the laugh!
Fragrant Liar- Luckily I don't usually have to crack it all that often. He can be a pain in my ass off and on when he wants to be though. Especially when he's on his (period)death bed from the whooping cough.
Peg- GASP!! You actually crate your dog? Bailey might have to get dressed up from time to time, but his lazy ass sleeps in the bed! ;) I think we used that thing once or twice when we moved from Va to Tx.
By the way, I would let you have it but it's already SOlD.
That one mom- Well consider yourself lucky then. When I hit my midlife crisis, I'm totally becoming a lesbian.
OMG! Girl you crack me up! If I send you wine will you write a CraigsList ad for me?
Linda- How about a scarf instead? I'm not a fan of wine, unless of course, it's Boone's Farm.
Will you take trade for the crate? Cause I will give you my husband for it. He lives in the garage, so this may help you. That is the only place that he keeps clean. I may even pay you the $50 as incentive.
LOL C! He's 8 months old and never been crated. He's at a training camp with a pro right now and needs a place to "kennel up" when he comes home. I have no idea if he'll use it or not but the little (big) shit was tearing up the garage last few times he had to go in there. We wouldn't deign to emasculate him with a costume though. Bad enough we took his balls.
Danielle- I think I'll pass on your offer. One husband is pretty much all I care to handle at this point. Unless he's extremely well endowed. Then I might reconsider. ;)
Peg- So in other words, he's a bad ass dog? ;) I wish you still lived in Coppell. I'd personally bring it to you, and we could indulge in a tasty libation or five.
Yep, the silent but deadly treatment works like a charm on me as well. I like arguing because it means we’re both assholes, but if my wife’s all passive aggressively quiet, it makes me feel like I’m the only asshole. Which I probably usually am.
I personally prefer to go into lawyer mode and argue my case point by painstaking point, until my wife either gives up, or goes into the silent treatment mode.
But to make him clean the garage when he’s sick, and football is on, and it’s Sunday….. that’s just not nice. Sunday should be off limits.
When I come here and read your amusing pieces two things typically happen...
1. I laugh.
2. The relief and good feelings I have about no longer being married are reaffirmed.
Cheers Candice!!
I love how you told Brent his coughing was pretty damn loud and annoying....
Also love the ad for the dog crate. I bet you'll have takers lined up in no time.
Don't you feel better now, Brent? Of course you do... Candice feels better, so in turn, you feel better, right? RIGHT?
Scott- He doesn't watch football any day of the week, so Sunday is totally not a day of rest around here.
Matt-I'm so glad that I could reaffirm your confidence in the sanctity of marriage. You know, if I can reach just one person with my blog, then it has been well worth it. ;)
LMB- It will be out of my garage in another hour. Craigslist rocks! Unless you are among the unfortunate that has gotten yourself killed due to the site, then it sucks!
Foxy- I'm super excited that it was swept out. I just know there were like 20 lb spiders just hanging out in the dusty corners waiting to KILL.
How about a scarf instead? Ha! Name your color Girl!
bully.
Linda- Can it be two colors or just one? Pink and grey could be nice if you're doing two colors. If not, make it hunter green.
You rock!
Nooter- And don't you forget it!
Um, Helen Keller was blind so even if you were HK then you still would have heard him coughing like a seal.
Just sayin'.
poor brent...
Brandy- Well, HK was both deaf and blind. That was Brent's way of insinuating that I just don't pay attention period. I can't argue with that, however.
Carlos- It's tragic really. Would you like to adopt a poor abused husband? For only $583 dollars a month, I'll allow you to do that.
Candace, you are a hoot. I am going to make sure to come visit daily. I am sitting here just cracking up!!! Thanks...that is making my sorry ass feel a bit better today. NOT better enough to go deal with my garage (which...not even ONE car will fit in)...but maybe better enough to go dead-head some rose bushes. That is a bit more up my alley today......chopping...
Greta- Want me to work my magic on your husband? You'll be able to fit 2 cars in that garage by the end of the day!
Will you come here and whip my husband into shape for me?
I've never understood why women think giving us "the silent treatment" is a weapon. We may PRETEND it bothers us so you think it works and therefore, keep using it. But puh-lease! No, honey, please, not the silent treatment. I LOVE when you go on and on about things!
Kyslp- Hmm, maybe I can parlay this into some kind of business venture. ;)
knucklehead- Well, it works well for me. I think Brent is so not used to be being quiet,that really throws him off when I am.
In his mind, he's probably all like "Man, I miss her witty retorts to everything I say. I don't know if I can go on living in this life of solitude. I'm just a shell of a man at this point, and the only ray of sunshine is when she opens her mouth (shut up perverts). I must wise up and do what she suggests that I do. So I can live again. So I can breathe again."
Yeah, I bet it's totally like that.
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