It's American Idol time again

I just want to start this post out by expressing my joy that Billy Bob oil rig is off the show finally. To put it bluntly, he sucked balls! To be quite honest, I think that I could do a better job farting in tune. It's true! I got mad skills, yo. Anyway, THIS is AMERICAN IDOL... (What they really wanted to say)


Candice- Dude, Usher you ain't. You fixed the shiny upper lip issue that you had last week, but you kept doing the Billy Idol "I just smelled a fart" face. Not cute!

Randy- Yeah Anoop dawg, I wasn't feelin' the fart face, baby. It was one of those silent killer joints too, I could tell. I had a few of those last night fo realz.

Paula- Are tranquilizers supposed to make you this sleepy?

Kara- I think the song choice was a little odd for you to be completely honest.

Simon- Speaking of things being blown out of your ass, that performance was another example. Horrible!

Kara- You totally picked the wrong song again this week girlfriend. You may as well pack your bags.

Candice- Sweet baby Jesus, that was awful!! Please. Go. Home!

Paula- wipes the drool from the side of her mouth and begins to speak incoherently You know what will keep you here? A stool. Sit that ass on a stool and sing. Yes. That will make all the difference.

Simon- You know, I used to want to bone you, Megan, but now I just really want to wrap my hands around your throat and choke the living shit out of you.

Randy- Yeah baby. What Simon said. Can I watch?



Kara- That was great. Very emotional song that you totally made your own, and I felt goosebumps during your performance. I'm also a little wet.... *wink*


Simon- What Kara is really saying is that she feels sorry for the person that has to sing after you. Are you familiar with the saying say it don't spray it, Danny boy?

Randy- Yeah homie. You remind me of that old school Twisted Sister video where the pissed off Dad goes into the kid's room and begins yelling and spitting everywhere. It's gross and unnecessary. Keep the spittin' in check, yo.

Paula- I'm so excited right now. I know you can't tell because my face is, like, totally frozen in one blank expression due to the bad Botox/Restylane job, but really, this is excitement!!

Candice- Much better than last week.


Candice- Allison, look, we all know that you can sing. However, you apparently aren't very good at multitasking, because playing the guitar while singing at the same time? Uh yeah. Not your thing. Oh and here is something else..

Bozo called.. he wants his hairstyle back.

Randy- Aw yeah, Bozo fo sho! What in the hell are you wearing though?

Simon- I agree with Randy. You look like a bloody moron.

Paula- It doooesnt mattter what ssshe wears thimon. She's ingenous to the fact for masterful effortless delivery Digorno pepperoni pizza. What??? hiccup!

Kara- Allrighty then...

Simon- Just curious. Have you ever considered wearing dark sunglasses like Stevie Wonder?

Candice- I think you should also consider placing a gag in your mouth.

Kara- Candice, that was rude!

Candice- Go fuck yourself, Kara.

Randy- Woah! Let me dodge those F-bombs baby!

Paula- I'm diggin the new look and the pasted down afro. It's hawt!

Paula- I know I'm high and drunk, but I didn't like your performance. I'm sorry.

Simon- I agree. It sucked.

Randy- Yeah. Not good baby.

Kara- You need to stay true to yourself, Matt. Stop switching sides and just be you.

Candice- Screw all of you aholes! I love you Matt. You also just so happened to sing one of my favorite songs. I really hope you live to see another week.

Candice- How many horse tails had to die an early death to make all of your various weaves? Seriously...

Simon- A bit of advice, SPANX is your friend.

Kara- Might want to double or triple up on those bad boys.

Randy- I have never in my life, seen an ass like that, yo. Smack it up. Flip it. Rub it down. Oh noooooooooo.

Paula- I would like you to sing a younger song. You know, something fun, like Baby Got Back.

Candice- Okay, so last week was a fluke. I dislike you again. That is all. Actually, no it's not. I really HATE it when you stick your damn tongue out when you sing. It's annoying, and I find myself secretly wishing that you would bite that fucker clean off.

Randy- Yo Candice, you got the rage inside baby. Simma down now!

Simon- Well I happen to like the tongue.....

Paula- Can you say LATENT?

Kara- cocks head to the side Huh? I don't get it.

Kara- Well done! Best performance of the night!!

Paula- I second that!

Candice- Well, I actually couldn't watch you sing because you have that gross I'm about to jizz all over the place face when you sing, but you did sound pretty good.

Randy- Jizz schmizz baby, that was off the chain!!

Simon- Randy, once again in English ya big donkey!

Until next week~

By the way, I hope that Megan or Scott will be packing their bags tomorrow. Who do you want gone?

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Move over Stephen Spielberg

That's right. There's a new directing sheriff in town. Fear this..

So I spent the better part of last night on xtranormal.com directing my new "film". I just want to thank Jiggety Jigg for introducing me to this fantastic time suck of an activity. When I have bags underneath my eyes later, I'm going to blame it all on you.

Go grab a beverage and some popcorn, and get ready to be totally amazed at my superior movie making skillz.



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Dear Vizio repair man

Hi there. First let me apologize for looking a hot mess when you came by unexpectedly today. You see, when you called to get our address straight (you apparently have dyslexia, by the way) I had only been awake about an hour or so, and that time was spent screwing off on my laptop. So if you are wondering why I looked like I had been rode hard and put away wet, that's why. I also feel the need to address my shit-storm of a bedroom that you witnessed, again, because I didn't have enough fucking time to clean it up. Brent states that he told me last Friday that you would be showing up today, but since I never pay attention to anything that passes his lips, it's really not that surprising that I forgot. Anyway, I'll slip you a c-note assuming you NEVER tell anyone what you saw.

Now on to the meat of the matter. You came to supposedly fix my damn TV, and what ended up happening? You fucked it up worse, just like "Rosie O'Donnell" did to our other TV. You even told me that I shouldn't turn the mother fucker on because "It has a faint electrical smell to it now". WHAT?!?!? I can't even watch TV in the living room OR my room??!?!?! Right now I want to kick you in the nuts with steel toed boots so bad I can almost taste it. Then I want to take you to my nail salon so that bitch can rip that sorry ass excuse of a moustache right off your upper lip! You stupid fucking asshole! The television in my room wasn't even that screwed up. It was supposed to be a simple freaking repair! I most certainly never viewed the damn thing as a fire hazard, which it apparently is NOW after you've "repaired" it.

You know, instead of taking all of my anger out on you, after you left I called my husband and totally ripped him a new asshole. I think I'm going to bill YOU for his therapy and medical bills. You are a complete and total sack of shit that has single-handedly fucked up my television viewing. I hate you. I hope you end up with some kind of rare off the wall penile discharge that can never be cured. I hope the discharge smells all funky like my room does now that you damn near caught it on fire. You fucking tool! Where in the hell did you and the rest of the Vizio butt plugs get your education? That's what I want to know.

I also think it's important for you to know that I'm not a very understanding person like you apparently thought I was. I can just fake it well. I really wanted to tell you to take my television that YOU screwed up beyond repair and shove it up your fat ass. . . sideways! I just told this to the woman that called to see how my repair went. Just FYI.

So now I need to figure out how to talk my husband into going to buy me a new Panasonic flat screen television that I should have purchased in the first fucking place. Cause there ain't no way in hell I'm going without television for a few days until you assholes send some other god damned part that isn't going to fix anything. Now that I think about it, I doubt that I will be letting you aholes back into my house. You fuck things up when worse when you come here.

I hope you have a great day watching your television that is most likely functional.

Eat shit and die!

Love,

Candice

P.S. - I wasn't kidding about the penile discharge part.

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Ding Dongs... Get your Ding Dongs right here folks!

Well well well.. Let me just say that when I started this blog less than a year ago, I never envisioned myself having any sort of giveaway, much less a giveaway that would potentially help someone else get their orgasm on. I was just here to rant, rave, bitch, moan and vent. That's all. Turns out I can do more. I can touch lives and create miracles. I can bring couples together.. or not. I can make toes curl and raise roofs. I can also improve the world one AA battery at a time. So I'm going to throw caution to the wind and do it.

Are you ready for it?

I present, once again, Eden Fantasys

At first I was unsure as to what I wanted to give away. Do I give away a ginormous vibrator? Some sensual massage oil? How about some edible panties? By the way, they SO taste like stale fruit rollups. At least they USED to. Anyway, I decided that since everyone beats off to their own drummer, I figured that I would just go with a $50 dollar gift certificate. That would allow you to get what YOU want.

This place has everything you need for a good time. From the naughtiest to the tame, surely you can find a sex toy, massage oil, or candles that will appeal to you or a loved one.

So how about we get this party started, shall we?

***HOW TO ENTER***

After you peruse the Edens Fantasy website, leave me a comment and let me know what you plan on getting with your presumed winnings assuming you do win. This will get you ONE entry.

If you write a post on your blog about my giveaway, linking back to my site, that will get you an additional THREE entries. Just be sure and leave a separate comment with the link so that I can take a peek.

I don't know what the hell Twitter is, but if you twat or twitt this contest, leave me a link to it in my comments section and that will get you ONE entry as well.

Oh and by the way, if you are a follower, that will get your ass one bonus entry. Holla!

So let's get this straight. I'm giving you a total of 6 potential entries. It's just that easy. Even if you aren't into the sex toy thing, enter anyway. Many of the toys found at Edens Fantasys would make a great conversation piece. Some may even look nice on your mantle. If all else fails, you can donate your winnings to the needy.



This fabulous giveaway will end on April 5th at 3:00 p.m. I will then pick a winner using the random generator thingy. (Note to self. Figure out how to do that.) At that point I will let the lucky winner know who they are, where they will be emailed a gift code to use at their leisure.

Stock up on the batteries, bitches!!!! Costco is there for a reason.

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I'm always able to find that silver lining

I haven't worked a 12 hour shift in a LONG time. I quit doing that a while back because I think 12 hours in an ER setting is way too fucking long. In fact, I think that doing anything except sleeping, or having amazing sex with Jeffrey Donovan for 12 hours straight should be highly reconsidered. So when I went from full time to PRN, I began working what some refer to as "princess shifts", which are namely 6 hr, 8 hr, and 10 hr shifts. Basically whatever strikes my fancy. It's been fanfreakingtastic.

So I had the brilliant idea to switch shifts with a co-worker of mine. I got her 12 hour shift and she got my 10 hour shift. Trust me, 2 whole hours can make a HUGE difference. I've been dreading this particular shift for the better part of 2 weeks now. Brent has also had to hear me whine, bitch, moan, and complain about it for the better part of those 2 weeks.

I can't BELIEVE I will be stuck there for TWELVE hours! OMG can you believe that? It's going to suck! Don't you feel sorry for me? Don't you want to wrap me up in your arms and never let me go? I mean, it's tragic right? I will be exposed to all sorts of things for TWELVE hours! I will most likely go without a break, no food, and only get to piss once in 12 hours. . . I'm an idiot for switching shifts voluntarily. I know I'm going to pay for that with my very soul. I SO deserve something good for my Mother Theresa like skills. Don't you think so too? Aren't you going to miss me? Think of how quiet it will be around the house while I'm gone. How will you survive? My very presence will cease to exist around here for 12 hours! Actually more because of the commute time and all. Is that a tear streaming down your face? I know baby. I feel that too. Wait. That's not a tear? Well fuck you then!

Brent's response?

"Most people work 5 days a week, dear."

My response?

"Well you are all fucking idiots then! Oh, and by the way, I don't consider rolling out of bed in your drawers, sitting down in your comfy office chair, and talking on the god damned phone all day, work. Wipe my ass. Clean my puke, medicate me constantly while I verbally and sometimes physically abuse you. Now multiply me by 5. That's work. Deal with my asshole family X 5. THAT'S work."

crickets

"My job pays the bills now doesn't it?"

Clearly I will be getting no sympathy from him so screw it. Anyway. I was dreading my shift last night because in my world, when you switch shifts or do someone a favor by covering for them in any kind of capacity, you will have the shittiest shift of your life, making you totally reconsider what you do for a living. There have been some shifts where I thought being a cashier at WalMart would make for a much happier existence for me. Now that's saying something right there.

So work last night? Yeah, it sucked. It was crazy busy. People were pissed, co-workers were getting kicked in the nuts by their bat-shit-crazy patients. I urinated ONCE, I barely sat down in 12 hours, and I never got to eat. Welcome to fucking Walmart, how can I help you..

The silver lining in my shit-storm?

"HEY CANDICE!! Come in here now!!" I heard a couple of coworkers calling out to me.

"If this involves poo, I'm totally not going in there!" I thought to myself.

So I walked into the room that had no patient in it and looked up at the television that my two male coworkers were staring intently at.

Then I saw it.

It was dildo's and vibrators R us on the television infomercial style.

What. The. Fuck????

Note to self. Set the DVR timer for the Oxygen channel at 0300. They sell good shit.

Want to know who else sells good shit for both the gents and the ladies???

http://www.edenfantasys.com/

That's who. Might want to take a peek. There are some lovely things there for men and women alike, and yours truly will be giving something away in the next day or so. Do some peeking around and figure out what you want. Consider it my silver lining in YOUR day.

Yo mom, don't judge and don't bother calling me. I won't answer the phone. ;) Just enter when the time comes. If you win and don't want it, you can send it to me.

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American Idol - A quickie

Okay folks, I'm not going to have time to do the typical Idol post that I normally do because I have to workout, eat, screw around, shoot the shit with Brent, make dinner, etc. I have to do all of this before 3:00. I'm guessing that eating and shooting the shit will be cut from my list. Regardless, here are my thoughts on last night's show.

Matt- I love Matt. I love a man that can play the piano and simultaneously sing well. I love a man that resembles Justin Timberlake. In fact I would lay odds that Matt was a giant douche in High school. Probably didn't run with the popular crowd, and most likely wasn't the stud that got all the chicks. Look at him now. I know I am. I really hope that he makes it to the end. He's got some comp though.

Kris- This dude annoys me. He looks weird while he's singing, and I don't know that I can get past that. I still can't look at John Mayer while he sings for the same reason even though I love his music. Actually, anyone that looks like they are taking the biggest shit of their life while they are singing, pisses me off. Kris isn't exactly as bad as John Mayer, but he still sings out of all sides of his mouth, so the annoyance factor is still high. I hope he gets eliminated pronto.

Scott- Oh boy. This is going to come as a total shock to most of you, but this dude is way out of his league. I think he can sing and play the piano decently (by the way,I don't love this particular man that plays piano. Okay. Just making sure you know that) but that doesn't mean that he's right for this particular show. If he wins, he would never have the popularity of Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood. However, I think the sympathy factor is wearing thin. He actually got 2 negative comments last night. It's about fing time. He sucks compared to the rest of them, in my opinion.

Michael- How in the hell did he make it on this show again? I'm fairly certain that he's not the best of the best. He's average. He can probably kick ass at a karaoke bar, but that's where it ends. Buh-bye.

Megan- I used to like this girl a little bit. Now I can't wait until she gets the boot because she blows that bad. Seriously, don't cry for her even though she's a single mom with a little one at home. I'm sure she will take Playboy up on an offer to let it all hang out, because she is very attractive. I'll give her that. The singing thing though? Not so much. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And the God awful dancing is enough to make me want to poke my eyes out with a tampon.

Lil (big ass) Rounds- I like her. She's got a big ol voice with an even bigger ass. The question of the night for me last night? I wonder how much longer the fringe on her dress had to be in the back compared to the front? Seriously, she's got ass for days. Is there some type of ass reduction surgery she could have? I mean, she should consider it if so. There are many women walking around with no ass to speak of, (we are talkin straight up and down like 6 o'clock!) that would clearly benefit from a Lil Rounds ass transplant. Give to the needy biotch!

Danny- Oh Danny boy, I used to want to do things to you, and now I feel myself pulling away. I'm sorry. I still think you can sing, but you just don't do it for me like you used to. I think it was that fucked up white jacket you wore last week. Sorry, I'm fleeting like that. I hope you understand. Good luck with everything.

Anoop- Exactly what did you take before you stepped on stage, Anoop Dawg? You looked very laid back and almost comatose. You did sing very well. However, I was focused more on your sweaty upper lip for some reason. It was shiny, and I can sometimes get distracted by shiny things. Sorry. I think you'll be around for a while.

Allison- This girl has got it going on vocally. I'm thinking that she will for sure be in the top 3. Regardless of how she does on the show, I believe that she will go on to make music and sell plenty of CD's. I'll buy 'em!

Adam- Wow! That's all I could say after his performance last night. I haven't like this guy at all thus far, but after last night, he may have swayed me into his corner a little bit. He got rid of the nail polish, jacked up hair, most of the eye make-up and lipstick. He still had enough foundation caked on that he looked like a corpse, but I won't fully go there. He looked like a young Elvis with his hair slicked back, actually. I really liked young Elvis. Anyway, he sang a great song and he sang it beautifully. There were no goofy fuck me faces, stroking of the mic stand, or anything like that. He just sang well. I actually had to watch it twice, and I may, for the first time, download an Idol song off of itunes. So as the great dbag mathmatically challenged Kara would say... Three words - I loved every minute of it!!!

However, my favorite part of last night's show? When Simon gave Paula a dirty sanchez with the black marker. I laughed my ass off actually!

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My inability to follow directions has become a pain in my ass

When we moved back to Texas almost 2 years ago, we were Television free. You see, I thought it was a good idea to basically shitcan all of our possessions from our old house and buy everything new after we moved here. So that's what we did. I had the mother of all garage sales in Virgina prior to our move, and I posted all of our furniture on Craigslist. Yes, people do actually use that site for things other than skeezy one night stands.

Anyway, once we landed in the big D, it was clearly time to go shopping for electronics. Was there a better person more suited for that task than myself and my mother? Absolutely. Did we do it anyway? You bet your ass. That particular shopping extravaganza was penis free, which was odd since we were going to by a couple of televisions... I digress.

Brent did some research (go figure) on which flat screen would be ideal for us to purchase.

"Panasonic and Sony has pretty decent reviews and they are a reputable brand. I doubt you can go wrong with either of those." He said.

Fine. We can do this. So off to Conn's we went in search of an over sized flat screen Panasonic OR Sony. So we got there and I was distracted by the bright and shiny front loader LG Tromm washer and dryers. Finally I got back on task and made it to the television section where there was a metric assload of TV's to choose from that ranged from cheap, to who in the hell would really pay that much for a damn TV.

Now there is one thing about me that you may not know. I tend to spend money freely and with reckless abandon from time to time. However, there are those moments when frugal Candice comes out to play. Those moments in question would include any purchase that doesn't necessarily benefit me and my interests. I know, I'm a selfish asshole. Noted.

So as I was scanning the prices of various televisions I began to get pissed off.

"Why would I buy THAT little Sony or Panasonic flatscreen TV, when I can get that 42inch Vizio for the bedroom at a much better price? Seriously, what jackass would do that?"

So my mother agreed with me and we told the fellow that was helping us out that we wanted the 42 inch Visio for the bedroom and a 50 inch Vizio for the living room. I figured that Brent would surely bow down to my superior shopping skills when he hears how much money I saved him by not buying the brand of television that he initially wanted. I was damn near getting 2 TV's for the price of one. In fact, I should really go and reward myself with a new handbag or a pair of shoes because I'm so damn good.

So we got home and I specifically remember him saying "Uh, that's not Panasonic or Sony."

"Well no shit, but do you want to hear the best part? I practically have money falling out of my ASS because I went with Vizio. Now what?" I said matter-of -factly.

Well, you know that old adage you get what you pay for? Yeah, it's totally true.

About 2 months into things, the tv in our bedroom began making this annoying buzzing sound. At first Brent couldn't hear it.

"WTF? You hear that, right? Are you fucking serious? You can't hear that?"

"No. I can't. You have the hearing of a God Damned bat, apparently."

I do have pretty good hearing, but Brent is immune to annoying sounds. Anyway, I would continually get out of bed and examine the television to see where the noise was coming from. I learned that If I would squeeze the frame hard enough it would stop. Punching it from time to time would also work. I told this to my deaf husband. Instead taking the damn TV back to the store, he decided it would be better to put fucking weather stripping in between the frame and the screen, because you know, rigging it up ghetto style is certainly better than having a brand new TV that works properly. Finally after hearing me bitch about the TV that continued to buzz even after it had been blessed with Brent's fine ingenuity, he called Vizio help support. He really hates to do this type of shit, because he is fairly technically inclined (with computers anyway) and he knows that most of the technical support people are total douchenozzles.

So after being on the phone 90 minutes and doing random things that technicians are scripted to say like "Turn the TV off and wait 2 minutes and then turn it back on again." "Unplug the TV from the wall, turn around 3 times, fart, and then proceed to scratch your nut sack while plugging the TV back into the wall." he finally got fed up and said some smart ass remark to the poor person on the other end of the phone. Viola. We could expect our new TV in 5-7 business days.

So the new TV gets delivered and I'm excited to hang out in bed and watch some quality reality TV program on my weather stripping free TV. Then it happens...

bzzzzzzzzzz

What the?????

bzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well I'll be damned!! Son . Of . A. BITCH!! Oh, BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!!!!!

Turns out all of this was my fault since I got the wrong damn TV. Well maybe it was, but he wasn't supposed to remember that. So I let the little TV noise go because if I didn't then I would have to admit that I screwed up by buying the pieces of shit that I did.

Fast forward to the last few months. The 50 inch TV has been screwing up too. It's buzz free, but there are little red dots that outline pretty much anything on the screen. So once again, Brent had the pleasure of spending half of the day talking with some highly knowledgeable person that told him that some random part would be ordered so that a field technician could come and repair our problem with our less than 2 yr old TV. A lady came by to replace the part. I'm not even going on comment on that.... Guess what? The fucking problem is much worse now than it was before little Miss Rosie O'donnell came by to fix it. So now I'm stuck in my room watching TV like some damn bedridden individual. That's not that big of an issue except I get sleepy when I'm in my bed, and then it ends up taking 3 hours to watch a 1 hour program.

"I like the way you purchase low end televisions, and I get to spend days on end dealing with the aftermath." Brent says

Ah, C'este la vie.....

My advice, for what it's worth? Never buy a Vizio. EVER! They blow. Their technicians blow, their repair parts blow worse. Turns out that they are at the bottom of all of the reviews for a reason.

So now we are to expect 2 new (refurbished I'm sure) televisions that will also most likely suck! I'm basically stuck with a 42 inch and a 50 inch turd with an electrical cord coming out of them.

Fuckers!

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Apparently I'm not the only one in Dallas with road rage

So I was speeding into work yesterday, listening to some tunage so loud that I will surely be deaf by 35, when all of the sudden this asshat in a Suburban fails to see my rather large vehicle in the lane that she's about to merge into at a very high rate of speed.

I think to myself....

1. Surely she is aware that I'm here and she's not going to run into me.

2. Hmmm, if she does run into me, I bet there will be enough damage to the vehicle that will warrant getting a new one. Brent will totally fall for this! It's a wreck. It wasn't my fault. My vehicle is now all jacked up. Hell, we will be at the dealership this time tomorrow filling out the paperwork. Boo-yah!!

3. Then again.... I am doing 80 mph and she's going much faster than I am. How cute will I be all disfigured driving a new vehicle? My luck, the only thing I would be driving is one of those tongue operated wheelchairs that the quadriplegics' use to get around, and that's assuming I even make it out alive. Not to mention, I would probably get transported by EMS to the very hospital that I work at, and then they will have to cut all of my clothes off because I would be a trauma 2 activation and all of that nonsense. To top it off, I'm not sure if I even have cute underwear on, and I know for a fact that it's been 2 days since I've put a razor to these legs.

On second thought, turns out my idea was absolutely horrible!

So I snapped back into my reality as it was at the time, and I did the only thing that I could do in the situation. I sat on the horn, slammed on my breaks, said several undignified and vile things about the person that just cut me off, and I did all of the above while simultaneously giving her the universal go fuck yourself sign.

Turns out my lady friend who was concentrating more on her cell phone conversation than the road, wasn't too pleased with my actions because after cutting me off, she decided to flip her own bird in return. So I "waved" hi to her again because I'm totally mature like that, and all of those Dateline stories haven't managed to scare me straight yet. Plus, I wanted her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she was free to go and fuck herself at her earliest convenience. I mean, it was REALLY important to me that she know that.

Well that must have pissed her off, because she not only used ONE hand to flip me off, but she used her other hand as well. Great. So now this idiot who has already proven that she can't drive for shit, is now driving with her knee at 80 + mph. Go ahead bitch, wreck and see if I render aid. Then she started doing some weird shit with her hands. At this point she began speeding up, so I wasn't sure if she was making shadow puppets at me, or if she was flashing me some sort of gang sign. Then again, maybe she was deaf and she was just telling me off in sign language.

Regardless, it was funny as hell so I began to laugh at her stupidity. Pay no mind that I was engaging in similar behavior. Seriously, is that really what's important here?

-So what I learned is that-

1. I always need to be sure that I'm wearing cute underwear.

2. I need to shave daily.

3. And I apparently can go from pissed off, to being highly amused in 10.4 seconds.

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One year closer to the nursing home

Well, it's the old man's birthday today. By old man, I really mean Brent. I went out of my way to mention that I knew it was coming up yesterday in the event that I forgot about it today. I didn't want him to think I was unaware.

Me- "Sooooomebody's having a biiiiirthday tomorrow..."

Brent- "Yep."

Taylor- " How old are you going to be, Daddy?"

Me- "37"

Brent- " Uh, 39..."

Me- "HOL-Y SHIIIIII... Shut up! Are you really going to be thirty freaking NINE?!?!?"

Brent-"I was born in 70. Do the math. "

Me- "Did I really marry someone does some simple math on my fingers... 7 yrs older than me? My God you are almost 40!"

Brent- "Astute observation young grasshopper. You are just now figuring that out?"

Me- "Jesus...... It's time to trade you in for a younger model."

So what do you get someone who has all he could ever want? ;) I was really wishing he would want a corvette or some other type of fast sports car, so that we could share it. Shouldn't he be going through a mid-life crisis by now? Maybe he could find himself a nice bimbo and she could come and clean the house, do laundry, and cook all of our meals.

Wishful thinking..

Anyway, I just want to wish my elderly husband a very happy birthday. He's currently at work, probably sitting by the dude with the chronic nasal drainage problem. sniff... sniff. sniffsniffsniff... sniff. If I were guessing, he's probably really wanting to beat his ass right about now.

You've got things to look forward to when you get home though!!! The CAKE, pervert..

I love you!! Even if you are old :)

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ER fodder - Words that make me haul ass

So as you all probably know by now, I work in the ER. I see lots of random, interesting, disgusting, and odoriferous things. It's a job hazard that I knew going into it, but I thought you know, what the hell...

Everyone has that internal switch inside that takes them out of their normal everyday mode, and throws them into hyper speed holy shit MOVE!!!! mode. In the ER I've got a specific phrase or situation that will throw me into that mode.

Code blue? Uh, not really.

"I'm bleeding to death over here!" Apply firm pressure. You'll be alright...

I can't breathe!! Okay, let me call respiratory. By the way, if you're screaming, then you can breathe just fine.

Sure the above situations can all be very serious, however, none of those will get my ass sprinting like saying the words "I think I'm going to be sick". You see, I HATE puke. I can barely deal with it. I can't even handle my own kids barf. If it has chunks in it, then it's all over. Seriously, I have to go to another place in my crazy brain to deal with someone else's gastric juices and partially digested meal. I also have to breathe through my mouth in an effort not to smell *gag* anything. I know for a fact that I deserve an Oscar for keeping a straight face while dealing with puke. It has taken much effort on my part, but you try dealing with vomitous that's not your own, while keeping a straight face, and simultaneously keeping your own esophageal sphincter clinched so tight so that your own partially digested meal doesn't spew forth, and you'll see where I'm coming from here.

So last night I worked, and it basically sucked balls. I took report from the other nurse and walked in to see my first patient. He's a Spanish speaking man that does understand some English. Well, apparently not efuckingnough, because he failed to tell me that he felt like shit when he clearly looked like shit. He was sweaty and pale. Those things never bode well for a variety of reasons, but when I asked him over and over how he felt, he said okay. He didn't complain of pain or anything else for that matter. I even sprinkled my questions with some Spanish just to make sure he understood me. I used to be exposed to Dora The Explorer on a pretty regular basis, so I know what the hell I'm talking about. Comprenday? Okay then. Moochas grassyass.

There is something about male patients... They are afraid to admit when they are nauseous. I can't tell you how many times I've asked my ADULT male patients how they feel, only to be told "fine" "okay" "great" etc, and then moments later I find puke all over their floor. I personally think that we should have a hospital policy that states if you are too much of a pussy to tell your puke phobic nurse that you are nauseous, and then you throw up all over the floor, then YOU have to clean it. Seriously, we have medications that can help you out with that gdamnit!

So anyway, back to "Ricardo". After asking him numerous times how he felt, only to be told "I feel okay", I had myself cornered in his room getting his vital signs when he looked at me with this strange face. Uh oh By the time he THOUGHT about raising his index finger to his mouth, my ass had already hurdled over his 4 yr old kid, and ran halfway down the hall to get an emesis basin. I peaced out just in time too, because it was at that time that I heard him wretch and then the forceful splatter hit the ground. He had hurled chunks all over the floor, his kid, and his wife. My reaction?

HOUSEKEEPING TO ROOM 24 STAT!!!!!!

There was no way I was cleaning that up. I grabbed some towels to place over the carnage on the floor, but other than that? Fuck no. My main priority was getting some medication for "Ricardo" so that he never. did. that. again. I didn't want to create a "Stand By Me" moment. If I had to clean up that puke, it would have caused a chain reaction like no other. Trust it!

So anyway, he was my FIRST patient of the shift. You always know it's going to be a great night when your first patient encounter sucks. Nevermind when Pt number 2 and 3 are in the process of throwing up their toenails as well. At least they were chunk free.

I realize that everyone has a downside to their job. What's your puke equivalent?

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Nail salon fun. Let the torture begin.

I was in need of a tad bit of maintenance yesterday, so I figured I would go and get a mani/pedi to fulfill my pampering needs. I also brought Taylor along to get her nails done. I've been trying to get her to come along for years, and she finally said yes. SCORE!! So off to my favorite nail salon/spa/torture chamber we went.

We walked through the door and I introduced Taylor to the wonderful world of language barriers.

Random lady "Hewoo, how ca I hep u?"

Me "I need a manicure and pedicure, and she just wants her nails painted."

Random lady "Okay, pick u cula"

*Taylor looks at me confused*

Me "Okay baby, we need to pick what color we want now."

Taylor "Oh. Okay....."

So we sat down and I began reading a Cosmopolitan magazine. On the cover it said that there were 101 sex hangups that men have that women didn't know about... until now. Well, I wanted to find out what all of those things were, but then all of a sudden "Laura" walked up to start my manicure. By the way, I seriously doubt that was her name, but whatever. Anyway, I was able to see what the first 2 hangups were before I began to get embarrassed reading that particular article in front of "Laura"

Turns out Men worry about 1. the size of their schlong and 2. they wonder if we compare their sexual encounters with the encounters of others that we have had before them. (Ha! Ahem, no boys.. Never! Your penis is the biggest we've ever seen, and by the way, it's alllll about YOU! We promise!!)

Wow, Captain obvious Cosmopolitan is at it again. I'm so glad I was blessed with that small portion of info. I was really chomping at the bit to find out what the other 99 hangups were, but if I were betting, I could rattle them all off without reading the stupid article.

Anyway, "Tina", the lovely lady that was doing my pedicure began asking if I wanted extra services such as an upgrade to the spa deluxe pedicure. Pay an extra 15 bucks so you can rub a seaweed clay mask up to my knees? Suck it. No thanks.

Tina "You litta gurl want flowa painted on her toe nawl?"

Me "Uh, I don't know. Taylor.. would you like a flower painted on top of your nail polish?"

My daughter the mute *shakes her head no*

Feeling bad for turning down all of the extras, I threw "Tina" a bone.

Me "I do need to have my eyebrows waxed."

Tina "Oh yes, we do dat fo u."

Finally my nails are finished and I'm being walked to the back in preparation for "Laura" to pour hot ass wax on my face, and rip the hairs above my eyeballs out by their roots.

*rip rip rip rip rip*

Tina "U want yo uppa lip wax too, right?"

Me "Uh, I wasn't planning on that. "

Then I began to get paranoid. Do I look like Burt Reynolds or Groucho Marx or some shit?

Me "Are you saying that I NEED it?"

Tina- "Oh yes. I see da hair on yo uppa lip."

Me "Jesus!! Well, rip it out then!"

Let me just say that I've never had my "uppa lip" waxed before. Let me also say that it hurt like a mother fucker. It felt like she poured some hot grease on my upper lip, and then she put some cloth over it. I clinched my eyes shut because I knew what was about to go down.

RIIIIIIIIIP!!!!

I took this opportunity to teach "Laura" some of the more colorful and fun words of the English language.

Me "Are we done here!?!?"

Laura "No ma'am. We have to do otha side now."

Well horses ass!

So she repeated the boiling wax, cloth thing and then proceeded to rip the flesh from my very bones on the other side. Now I look like this, but with much better WHITE teeth.

"Laura" "What else can I do fo u?"

Me "Oh, nothing. Seriously, I think we're good here."

"Laura" "U should be good for anotha 6 month or so fo yo uppa lip."

Me "Laura, I will look like Rip Van freaking Winkle from here on out because I will NEVER do that again. I can assure you. "

"Laura" "Oh, you don't like?"

Me "That hurt like hell!"

"Laura" "You get used to it."

Me "No."

So after the torture was over, I looked in the mirror and to my horror I looked like a fucking freak with hot pink skin above both eyebrows. To complete the look I had a hot pink "Dirty Sanchez". I asked "Laura" if she had a bag I could place over my face so that I could run out of there without anyone seeing my hideous mug. She laughed, but I don't think she understood a word I said.

I went to the bathroom to assess the damage more closely and I hoped that the hot pink color of my skin would just immediately disappear so I could leave and go home, but I knew I had a good couple of hours before I looked somewhat normal again. So I walked out into the main area of the salon again with my hands covering my mouth, because let's face it, now it REALLY wasn't noticeable.

Taylor took one look at me and her eyes bulged out of her skull.

"Uh, what happened to your face?" She asked

"I had hot wax poured on it and the hair ripped out. Sounds like fun right?" I said

"And you did that why?"

"So I don't look like Andy Rooney. Duh."

"Who's Andy Rooney?"

*sigh* "Nevermind Taylor...."

Have you ever been tortured in the name of beauty? Tell me about it.

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American Idol- Country week. Come get some

Alright folks, so it's my favorite week on Idol, y'all! Country week! Please note the sarcasm. Anyway, it's also Ryan's favorite week as well since his favorite past time is sticking spurs up his ass sideways, with no lubrication. Anyway, on with the show.


Candice- You suck it raw, Michael. Please go back to the oil rig and sing for the good ol boys.

Randy- Yeah dog, you on salmonella watch, yo. Better bring the heat next week or it's ovah!

Simon- That was average.

Kara- Now that was a tongue twisting kind of song. I'm impressed with your lingual ability even though your vocals blew. *wink*

Paula- Country is definitely your genre. Stick with it.


Simon- Once again, very impressed with your performance. Good job.

Kara- You could sing anything and it would sound great!

Paula- Pssst.. Forever Your Girl jewelry is on sale at QVC this week!!

Candice- 16 my ass.

Randy- Bozo be bringin' the heat again this week baby!! That's what I'm talkin' about!



Paula- I love that stripped down version of Garth Brooks. I still want to tap that ass, by the way.

Randy- Yeah baby.. Tap tap tap. Paula, that's what's up!

Simon- I know this is going to sound odd coming from me, but I thought it was bloody wonderful!

Candice- Woah now, Simon. Down boy.

Kara- I'm impressed. I thought you did much better this week.


Candice- You typically kick ass, but that was just weird.

Randy- Big Booty Rounds fell a little flat tonight, baby.

Simon- Yee Haw! NOT. The dress was dreadful. The singing was bad. The hairdo makes you look like a man. Just awful all the way around, really.

Kara- That was SO not the right song choice for you.

Paula- The dress could be jazzed up with some fantastic jewelry from my Forever Your Girl jewelry line.


Candice- Oh Adam, why am I not surprised that YOU, of all people decided to "sing" Ring Of Fire? Seriously. . . Your rendition of the song was amazing... I mean, amazingly BAD! I bet I have an idea as to what gave you inspiration to sing that song.

Oh, and by the way, do you have a little gnome hidden in your pants that squeezes your nuts on cue in order for you to hit those high notes? Because I think it's odd for anyone that theoretically has average testosterone levels, to be able to hit notes that high. I'm just sayin'.

Randy- Ouch dawg! That joint in the back will definitely contribute to that ring of fire, yo. Betta lube it up baby! KY Yours and Mine fo shizzy! Well, KY yours. We can leave the mine out of it. Recognize!

Simon- Ugh, once Kara is done with it, please stick that extra large dildo in your mouth so we never have to hear that flaming turd again. Thank you.

Kara- muffled noises... Yeah, that was just strange, Adam. The song... Not the dildo. I'm a fan of the dildo.

Paula- Well you can stick it up your butt in a hut while petting a mutt for all I care. I thought you were great and stayed true to who you are, and just made the song your own.

The rest of the panel stares at Paula as though she's fucking crazy. Perhaps because she is. Then we were all distracted by the noises coming from back stage. It was Ryan Seacrest whacking off at 100 mph unaware that his mic was still on. All of the dildo talk proved to be too much for him.

Clean up on stage left.. cue commercial break.

Paula- I think you had a solid performance, but I really want you to come out from behind the piano and shake things up a bit.

Candice- glares at Paula ????????

Simon- What the fuck, Paula? He's BLIND for Christ sake! What exactly do you expect him to do? Line dance?

Randy- Yeah fool! Son is blind, yo. Show some respect!

Kara- Oh boy...

Randy- Oooh baby, a little pitchy for me.

Simon- It was just okay.

Candice- I went to take a leak during your performance. Sorry, big h2o day today. Forgive me?

Kara- You need to dirty it up more. I love it when you're dirty. *wink*

Paula- I think that Forever Your Girl jewelry would really give you that "dirty" look that you strive for.

Candice- Dude, what the hell are you wearing? Are you channelling the Michelin man or what?

Simon- I second that. The white coat is abysmal.

Paula- Oh Simon, you wear the same v-neck shirt each week. What do you know about fashion?

Kara- He knows not to wear a v-neck shirt that shows off his sagging tits, much like you are doing tonight, Paula.

Randy- Randy J likes him some mammaries, yo. Keep em hangin' low baby!

Randy- Anoop dawg back in tha house, yo! That was hot!!

Candice- Wow, I loved that, Annopie!!

Simon- You delivered a bloody great vocal this week. Great job!

Paula- Anoop, I'm leaning over while I give you this critique so that you can enjoy my old tits. What do you think?

Kara- Paula, you need help.

Randy- Good job, baby. You did the damn thing even with the flu.

Candice- Keep coughing so that you get those sympathy votes. Works well for the blind guy.

Kara- Great song choice for you. You'll be here next week.

Paula- You look so beautiful tonight. The only way to improve on your beauty is if you were wearing some spectacular Forever Your Girl jewelry.

Simon- I love your perky boobs. It's a nice switch from staring at Paula's droopy hag bags.

Kara- I LOVE you man!

Paula- The authenticity of your authentic performance really brings authenticity to this whole competition.

Candice- Paula, I hope you choke on your cleavage. Seriously.

Simon- Yes, it would do us all a favor for sure.

Randy- I wanna see that, yo!

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My Tuesday Tribute to my weak ass willpower

Remember this post where I said that I was giving up my 3 favorite things? Ice cream, frozen yogurt and pizza? Well, I have a confession to make, and it isn't pretty. I know what you're thinking. I mean, I tried! I really did. I went almost a week without ice cream/frozen yogurt. That's got to count for something, right?

How was I supposed to know that by ordering a mudslide at the bar, that I would end up with a massive globe (probably had a half gallon of Blue Bell in that bitch, no lie) of frozen goodness? To be honest, I figured that there was a slight possibility of that particular beverage containing my forbidden treat, but I also knew that each establishment probably had a different recipe. However, it became clear very quickly as to what was in it. I knew I was in trouble when Brent took one look at my drink and said "Good God woman! There goes that whole Lent thing I guess, huh?" I think I responded by glaring at him in an evil manner, while whisking my drink away from the bar. Then I said something brilliant like "Fuck off". Seriously, kicking me when I was down like that? I couldn't just NOT drink the damn thing. There are starving kids in China for goodness sake! Don't hate.

I did feel guilty, just in case you are wondering. For a few minutes until the buzz kicked in anyway. Really, who came up with that tasty drink? Had to have been a woman for sure. Who else would have the bright idea to get drunk off of chocolate, ice cream, and random other ingredients that aren't important because the ice cream trumps it all? Hells yeah! Hair of the dog fool! Keep those comin'! My ass is NOT lactose intolerant. Although, I wish I were now that I think about it. I could ingest, and then turn around and immediately crap it out (please don't visualize this), thereby not absorbing all of the fat and calories... Hmm....

So anyway, I thought it was just a slip. I would repent and just start all over the next day, and all will be forgiven. Well, I forgot that my parents and Sister were in town to celebrate Aidan's birthday. What kind of mother would I be if I just had cake with no ice cream? A shitty one, that's what! So I had a little, teenie, weenie bit with the kick ass cake. It was only a serving size, which = not worth the freaking effort. Totally beats what I typically do, and that would be taking the entire carton in front of the TV and just eating from it, hoping that I will eventually stop. I usually do when the waves of nausea kick up.

Anyway, so there you have it. I've failed miserably at that, but guess what? I still haven't touched any pizza! 1 out of 3 ain't bad! Taylor had a sleepover last night and pizza was ordered. I was afraid of what I might do. I told Brent not to order any because I didn't trust myself, but the kids insisted on pizza. Really, what kind of mother would I be to deny them pizza just because I'm a pizza whore? A shitty one, that's what. I had Brent tie me to the bed like he usually does, but this time it was so that I couldn't leave the room. ;) There were left overs and everything, and while I looked at it longingly, and salivated a little, I didn't have one. solitary. bite. So I will sit here and celebrate my pizza sobriety. It's been 18 days since my last slice. Don't I get a chip, or a coin, or maybe a new handbag for that?

Go and check out Jay and Deb for more Tuesday tributes.

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How not to wake me in the morning

It's really no secret that I'm not exactly a jolly, happy-go-lucky, sunshine beaming out of my ass, raring to go morning person. In fact, the only reason I like to be up early, is if I'm about to go to the gym to sweat a pound or two off, and let's be real, I haven't managed to do that for a long time because I've decided I'm a lazy piece of crap.

Anyway, I've always been a grumpy cow in the mornings. You can ask my mother. I was a beast to wake up for school as a youngster, and I was almost always a first class bitch. My Mother eventually got smart and began to make my Dad wake me up. I suppose she grew weary of the verbal abuse. This must have been before they figured out they could just buy me an alarm clock and be done with it. Now my Dad had this unconventional way of waking me up. He would get right by my head and meow like a damn cat in my ear until I wanted to punch his teeth down his throat. By the way, this did nothing to help with that grumpiness that I was alluding to earlier.

So the years passed by and I got married. I also managed to toss out a couple of children. At that point I had to resign myself to the fact that early mornings were going to be a way of life, at least until the offspring were old enough to withstand being bound, gagged, and duct taped to the walls. Yes, that last part was a joke.. With time, my morning attitude has subsided somewhat, yet it still remains buried deep (okay, not so deep) only to emerge and let loose it's wrath on all who happens to be in close proximity. This morning it just so happened to be Brent.

First of all, I didn't sleep well last night. I kept having some weird up dream about my teeth falling out, and then I was at some wild party with my boyfriend and a bunch of gay men. So then I began to wonder why my boyfriend took me to some swanky party with a bunch of gay men. Was he on the down low? Don't get me wrong, I love gay men. In fact, I've been searching for one to do my hair in a fabulous way since I moved here, but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with one. And lets just forget about the fact that I'm married, and I'm at a party with my boyfriend and his 302 gay friends. Seriously, that's why they call it DREAMING. The most annoying part was that Billy fucking Vera "At this moment" was blaring in the background the whole time.

Then all of a sudden BZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ followed by some loud ass tune began to shriek from Brent's blackberry. This caused me to be rudely tossed from my dream, complete with heart palpitations from being scared shitless from all of the bzzzzing. Not that being awakened from my dream was some big deal, because frankly, it sucked. However, I was about to ask my boyfriend if he secretly liked it in the butt right before I completely destroyed the CD player with my high heel. Now I'll never know if my boyfriend was gay, and I'll be singing * what would you think... I would dooooooo at this moment* all.fucking.day.

So lucky for me Brent got up and turned the alarm off, only to reset it so I could have a second heart attack 30 minutes later. Then he got up and took a shower for like an hour. I don't even take a shower that long and I've got things to shave. What the hell does a man do in the shower for an hour? I mean, other than whacking off? That doesn't take that long either, so I'm not buying that. Okay, so finally he must have ran out of hot water, sent all of his unborn swimming into the sewer, or he finally shriveled up into a God Damn prune, because he decided to end the shower and get dressed. But wait, he forgot to grab his underwear, so he had to open the door and all of the light fell directly on my face like it does in the movies. Except they don't get all pissed off as if the light burned a hole into their flesh, in the movies do they? No. They don't.

"I guess you couldn't have grabbed that prior to going into the bathroom, huh?" I sneered Jab number 1

So he went back into the bathroom to finish getting dressed. I'm humming At this moment, still wondering why my fucking gaydar didn't go off on my boyfriend. Seriously, am I that blind? Then Mr. Man emerges from the bathroom, this time light off and navigating by the light of his BlackBerry, (smart, smart man) only to then rummage through his fucking sock drawer for 30 minutes in an effort to try and find socks that matched his outfit. I bit my tongue for as long as I could. Probably about 30 seconds if I were guessing.

"Why don't you just turn the fucking light on and get this over with. I feel like I'm watching a God Damned burglar looking for socks over here. It's retarded." Jab number 2

He didn't listen to me. I think he really didn't want to see my head spinning 360 degrees. You know, an ignorance is bliss sort of thing. So here I am, up before the kids on spring break. His saving grace? He surprisingly went and bought them fresh donuts so that I didn't have to make them breakfast. His nuts will survive another day.

If... I could juuuuuuuuuuuuust hoooooooooooold you aaaaaaaaa-gaiiiiiiiiin

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Kicking it oldschool -- vintage Candice

So imagine my surprise when I get an email from my best bud, Nakia. Remember her? The one with the tongue that could rival Gene Simmons? Yeah, that one. Anyway, she sent me this lovely picture from back in the day.


Now upon first glance, I didn't even really notice what a douchebag that I looked like. My initial thought was what in the hell had happened to this poor picture. It has all kinds of crap all over it! Is that really any way to properly take care of an oldschool photo of your best friend? Ha! I think not!

Then I had to re familiarize myself with my surroundings. Oh. my. God! That is my old house, in my old room. Look at those panelled walls! Wow, the person that had the bright idea for those things should tortured. Anyway..

Then I needed to get a time frame for this picture because it most definitely wasn't when I was in High School. I knew that because I never had that shitty picture with the Victorian Era woman looking ever so slightly over her shoulder hanging up. Not to mention there is a lack of empty bottles of booze used simply as decor hanging around. No mom, I never drank underage. I just REALLY liked those glass bottles. . .

So I ended up chatting with Nakia, and she told me a little bit of the back story that went along with this photo.

Nakia- "I remember taking that picture of you like it was yesterday."

Candice- " Oh yeah? Why is that?"

Nakia- "You were wanting me to take it so you could send it to some guy you were crushing on."

Candice- "Oh bullshit!"

Nakia- "It's true! You specifically said that you wanted it to look like a "natural shot"

Natural shot?!?!?!? This is the best I could come up with? First of all, the backdrop is absolutely stunning. Really. If you are wanting to impress someone I recommend getting your best friend to take a picture of you standing in front of a panelled wall, pretending to mess with your piece of shit boombox, while looking ever so slightly over your shoulder like the fucking shitty piece of art on your wall right above your head! Yeah, that would be the "natural shot", all right.

Then I focused in on myself. I don't look THAT bad I suppose. I mean, other than the shitty pose and all. Then I noticed it....

Candice- "What the fuck is going on with my boobs!?"

Nakia- "What?"

Candice- "I mean, am I even wearing a bra? Oh.my.God! No, surely I am. It must be a really cheap bra from the Dollar Store or something. Look! I've got missile tits!"

Nakia- "Yeah, North Korea would be in fear of those. Fire missile number one!"

Candice- "Son of a bitch!"

Nakia- "Fire missile number two!"

Candice- "yeah, yeah..."

So with the backdrop, the horrible pose, and the overall appearance of my tits at the time, I bet some lucky dude spent all of his mid-twenties (I've always been into older guys.. don't judge) masturbating his penis to a nub, with the help of my awesome photo alone.

Thank goodness my game improved with my age. That's all I've got to say about that.

Do you have any funny, or in my case, embarrassing stories to share of your own vintage photo collection?

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Genius.... Pure genius

I've given birth to, and have proceeded to raise some intellectually superior beings, let me tell you. Today's after school activity has led me to this conclusion.

I was in my room doing something that I've been putting off for about a month or so. That would be hanging the clean clothes up in my closet. Yes, that is the Sanford and Son's music you hear in the background. So what?

Anyway, all of the sudden I hear Taylor and Aidan having some type of serious conversation. This involved Taylor doing alot of her loud whispering to her brother. These loud whispers were actually orders that Aidan was to carry out, and it sounded quite serious. I ignored it and continued on with my task thinking that they could clearly work it out on their own. You know, life lessons could be learned and all of that crap. Suddenly I hear what sounds like is a herd of buffalo stampeding upstairs. Then I hear Taylor loud whisper yet again...

"NOOOO! Aidan, go to the front left corner of the GUEST ROOM and DO it again! We've totally got this!"

Got what? I thought.

Enter herd two of the stampeding buffalo upstairs. Finally I had enough, so I went in the kitchen to find out what exactly they had ruined, screwed up, broke, etc

Allow me to introduce you to "juicy frog" (and friends)

This lovely thing is what Aidan brought home from school today. He actually paid a dollar for it at the spirit store. I would like to tell the owner of said spirit store that they sell a bunch of shit, but I apparently don't have much school spirit. Anyway, this thing is as gross as the name that he acquired. He is "juicy" and "sticky". As a matter of fact, every piece of dust, dirt, hair, germ and unexplainable crud has ended up on this thing in a matter of hours since Aidan has gotten home with it. Juicy frog even sticks to various items. The wall, the floor, underneath the kitchen table, his sister's face... Oh, and there is also one other place Juicy sticks to.

The kitchen ceiling! Apparently Juicy really enjoys the warm ambiance of the kitchen lights so much that he decided to hang out for a while after one of my children accidently threw him up there. Whoops! He sticks to shit!! Who knew?

This is why Taylor had the bright idea to send her brother upstairs to create the faux earthquake so that Juicy would remove himself from the kitchen ceiling before I would find out. I then told her that she wasn't nearly as clever as I was at her age, because I would have just gotten a broom stick and gently knocked it down. It is fast, effective, and a helluva lot less noisy so those pesky parents can't hear what's going on. It was a light bulb moment for her I think.

I guess I'm just glad that all I had was a gross frog attached to my ceiling. Last time those two were in cahoots, I ended up finding out about a fing hole in my wall.

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American Idol - Top 13 critique

First of all, let me say how glad I am that we have finally narrowed the field to 13 contestants. It's time to get this show on the road, if you will. Before we get to the critique portion of this program, let me just say how much I would like to stick a cattle prod up Ryan Seacrest's ass! I mean, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind anything being shoved up his ass and all of that, but I know I would really enjoy lighting his back side up with some no holds barred voltage. Bzzzz THIS! IS bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz AMERICAN bzz bz bzzz bzzz IDOOOOOL! smoke rises from his ass crack... I know you probably think I'm a little on the cruel side, but Ryan really annoys the shit out of me with his fake tan, perfect teeth, the way he talks like he's chewing his face off , and let's not forget his school girl crush on Simon.

Anyway, on with the show shall we?


Randy- Aiight!! Big booty Lil (huge) Rounds in the hizzouse. You brought the heat. That's how we do on American Idol season 8 baby baaaaabay!

Kara- Lil, you are an amazing vocalist. One that deserves much radio play. Great job!

Paula- pffftt... I agree pfft plah plah, with Kara!

Candice- Paula, how about you get those turkey ass feathers that are glued to that hideous dress of yours, out of your mouth so that you can give a God damned critique.

Simon- I'm fairly certain that you sounded great, but I was too busy being mesmerized by your enormous ass that you are hauling around. You can serve tea on that bloody thing.



Kara- Scott, I'm telling you now that I have a rise in my Levi's. That was brilliant! You go boy!

Simon- Well, I'm telling you, Scott, that my knob has responded in the exact opposite. It has crawled inside never to be seen again. I thought it was horrible. We are on to what you are trying to do. Blind as a bat and singing Keep the Faith.

Candice- Jesus Simon, that was harsh even for you. Listen Scott, It's no secret that I'm not a fan. Frankly I'm pissed that you made the final 13. Everyone knows that Danny's friend should SO have had your spot, but you are handicapped and got the sympathy vote. By the way, how do you keep your fro so manageable and in place? Aquanet? White Rain? Freezeit? Share your secret.

Randy- Yo Simon, you goin' to hell for that, son.

Paula- pauses from taking large gulps out of her Coke cup Simon, you are an asshole. Even Scott can see that! Anyway, keep up the good work. I know you will be back here next week. Especially now that everyone saw in your package that your sister is also blind. Double sympathy vote. Holla!!!


Randy- Bringin the heat like sexually transmitted meat, yo! That was fiya baby!

Kara- I couldn't agree more! Trust me, I know all about sexually transmitted meat and heat. Randy is spot on!

Candice- Y'all are both fucking retards.

Simon- Danny, you were brilliant minus your seizure dancing activity that you had going on. Well done.

Paula- I loved it!!



Kara- I would love to give you my review, but this big ass bow collar is tied around my neck so tight that it's cutting the circulation off to my brain.

Candice- Oh, sorry about that... Bitch

Simon- This show is getting pathetic. Can it be more about the talent and a little less about the sob story? You grew up without a daddy. You are just a well meaning parent trying to give your child what you didn't have growing up. Oh, and you have a shitty ass job. Join the fucking club.

Randy- Yeah, join the club, yo.

Paula- Well, I bought the sob story hook, line, and sinker. You rock!


Randy- Alright, yo Jazz. Check it out. It was a little pitchy for me in spots, but you worked it out anyway.

Paula- You did great tonight. You look fabulous and your weave is absolutely flawless.

Candice- I agree with the weave part. Might want to hook your Mom up though, if you make it big and all. Her hair looks like it was stolen straight from Chewbacca's ass.

Simon- Chaka? Chaka Khan?

Kara- No, CHEW-BACCA you English bastard!


Paula- I think you did a great job, Kris. I also think you might be the contestant that I want to have sex with this season. You down?

Ryan has hissy fit at this point

Kara- You had some pitchy spots throughout, but it's okay since you were helping everyone else out with their songs. You know, that tid bit of info might score you some brownie points with the audience.

Candice- I'm not sure about your hip hopping around onstage with your guitar as though Ryan was standing behind you giving you a prostate exam. Seriously, that was weird.

Simon- Hey, those prostate exams are no joke!


Candice- Red, I like your voice. Looks like all of those Marlboro's have come in handy.

Randy- I was feelin' that, yo! Red hot fire, baby!!

Paula- You have an amazing talent for being such a young girl. When you are up on that stage your confidence really shines through, and it's an amazing sight to behold..

Simon- Another amazing sight? When Paula's big fucking mouth shuts for longer than 5 seconds.

Kara- Keep doing what you're doing up there. It's working for you.

Candice- whispering to Simon And she was added to the judging panel, WHY again?



Candice - Anoop, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for you. My advice? Never. ever. try to dance again.

Paula- Oh Anoop, I agree with the brilliant Candice here. It really was that bad.

Simon- No it wasn't.. It was absolutely horrific.

Randy- Anoop dawg, yooooooooo. You in da dawg house for that one, yo.

Kara- I was really wanting to hear your range. I felt all disconnected with you as an artist, man.

Simon- Buh-Bye.

Candice- Oy... Not good. pssst.. pluck that shit!

Randy- I got mad love for you baby, but you picked the wrong song, dawg.

Kara- Yeah, I'm not sure what happened, but that song just wasn't working for you.

Paula- Well, eye brow down before you, because you deserve to be here. I hope you are here next week to prove that you are worthy.

Simon- Tight red dress? check Boobs popping out? check My tally standing at attention? CHECK

Candice- Pretty good job. One question though. What the fuck is that little hip move thing that you do? You look like a double hip replacement patient. Not cute!

Randy- Yeah dawg, not cute. I'd hit that two times though!

Kara- I thought it was a great performance. You killed it, even if you can't dance for shit.

Paula- I used to be a choreographer like 100 years ago. I can show you some new moves if you'd like.

Candice- Dude, I really can't stand you. Unfortunately you will be around til the end, I have a feeling. That thing you do where you stick your tongue out when you sing, makes me want to kick you in the nuts (vagina??) repeatedly until you fucking cry. Eat shit.

Simon- That was fabulous. You are definitely a front runner.

Randy- Yeah, a front runner dude. You in it to win it!

Kara- Absolutely amazing. By the way, I find the tongue sexy.

Paula- Ditto! I LOOOOOVE me some Emo tongue.

Candice- Mmm... I'd let you play piano for me anytime. I'm a fan!

Randy- Check it yo, that was the jump off. You did the damn thing!

Simon- Solid performance after following that complete D-bag before you.

Paula- You are just authentic and sexy and wonderful, and great, and nice and sexy. Oh, I already said sexy?

Kara- You need to 1. lay off the booze and B. get laid.

Randy- You closed it out baby! Yeah!! That was dirty fo sho!

Kara- Wow!

Paula- Watch the screaming. It was good other than that.

Candice- Uh, what the hell do you think Adam does, Paula? Does she not stick her tongue out far enough for you, ya hag?

Simon- More tongue. We need more tongue.

Until next week

Humor-Blogs.com

So it's true

Brent was right. I really am where electronics and other technology goes to die.

This has been a banner week for me folks, let me tell you. First I tripped over my laptop cord, narrowly escaping my own ass busting event, but that's not the important part of this story. The important part is when my laptop fell, in slow motion no less, 5 ft off of my dresser to the ground below to it's tragic death. After I regained my balance I ran over to assess the damage thinking that it probably would be no big deal. Uh, not so much. The hard drive was intact, but the screen wasn't as lucky. I notified Brent of the good news, and that's when the conspiracy theories began.


"Is this your way of getting the new pink laptop that you wanted?" He asked as he glanced at me sideways and shook his head.

Needless to say, he ran off to Best Buy in search of a new life line for me. He said that he knew how unfit to live with I would be without another computer. I think he overreacts sometimes, but nevertheless he is a smart man.

Anyway, that crisis was averted and I have a new laptop. I've been extra careful with it so we will see if I can make this one last longer than a year or so.

Fast forward to today. My family is in town for Aidan's birthday so we decided to take all of the kids out to do something fun. You know, like ice skating. I'm practically Tonya fucking Harding over here, so why not? I know what you are thinking. You think that I busted my ass while on the ice doing my triple axel - triple toeloop combo while landing on my phone that was in my pocket, right? Well, you'd be wrong. I didn't bust my ass at all, but I did want to bust this bitch in the knee cap in the center of the ice. She would get annoyed when anyone would skate in the middle of the rink because she was doing her little ice dancing jig, all showing off and what not. Well, guess what. It's free skate bitch. Deal with it.

Anyway, after the festivities were over I took my purse with me to the bathroom and tried to hang it up in the stall as to not get nasty bathroom germs all over the bottom. Well, the purse slipped off the knob, and again, fell about 5 feet to the nasty ass ground. All survived except my Blackberry. Well, it still works, but the screen is cracked in the corner. I knew that as soon as I told Brent he was going to have some kind of smart-assed remark, and sure enough psychic Candice and friends was right. I seriously need my own 800 number or something. Luckily I have insurance on this bad boy, but it's still pretty damn annoying.

So as it's been pointed out to me, I've essentially pissed away over a grand in one week on broken personal technological items. I've been warned that if I break anything else it's my ass.

Help! I've got some bad Karma going on.

Have you completely screwed up anything lately? If so, what?


Humor-Blogs.com

American Idol recap - What they all wanted to say

Randy- Yo baby, much better than the auditions fo real. More singin' and less yellin'. It was sort of bangin' for me.

Paula- I think you did a great job. Your inner light just shines through and radiates...

Simon- Uh, so sorry to interrupt Paula, but I need some waders for the amount of bullshit I'm sitting in now.

Candice- I totally agree, Simon. Hey Vonnie boy, I'm really not a fan of yours in the least, but I am totally digging The Something About Mary spooge hair. Keep it up... literally.

Kara- Uh yeah, good job.

Paula- I love that you sang an Alicia Keys song. I thought you really carried it through very well, and I love the tone of your voice. By the way, you look stunning tonight.

Candice- Paula, you can stop kissing her ass now just because she's wearing an anal bead necklace that is straight from your Forever your Girl jewelry line. It's desperate.

Ryan Seacrest begins to beg Taylor for her anal bead necklace..

Randy- Yo! Anal beads. That's the jump off right there. I'm feelin' the anal beads baby!

Simon- Can we get back to the singing please? Anyway, that was mediocre and that's about all I have to say about that. Ryan, give the poor girl her anal beads back!

Kara- Why am I on this show again?

Candice- Alex, Alex, Alex... What. the. fuck. was. that? Based on THAT spaztastic performance, it's a given that you are never going to be getting laid. Ever!

Simon- That was bloody atrocious. The singing, the dancing, the weird movements. All of it. You were gyrating around as if Ryan's gerbil made a quick hop from his ass to yours. I don't get it.

Paula- You were very entertaining in a Jerry's kids kind of way. I loved it!

Kara- It's almost as if nobody cares about what I say.

Randy- Yo Alex, you need to NEVER dance again dude. That was not aiight for me at all, yo.

Simon- Arianna, that was akin to a prepubescent boy having his tallywhacker caught in his trouser zipper. Seriously, it was that bad. Your vocal chords should be set ablaze to save us all from hearing that again.

Candice- That was rough! Once again, I agree with my main tool bag, Simon.

Paula- You're beautiful though!

Randy- It was alot pitchy for me.

Kara- Why am I on this show again?

Randy- Diggin' it, baby! You did the damn thing!

Paula- I really enjoyed your performance. You've got alot of potential.

Candice-You actually put an R&B spin on Plain White T's? Mad props!

Simon- I wish I could have heard you sing, but unfortunately my ears are still burning from Arianna's horrible performance.

Kara- My input means nothing.

Kara- Is anyone listening??

Simon- No. Look, Kristen.. Your singing is "okay", but the real point I would like to make is that I would totally shag you if you weren't dressed like my grandmother.

Paula- Yes, the look is a little outdated. You need to vamp your look up. Add some FYG accessories while you're at it, you can purchase them off of QVC.

Candice- You can also get an up close and personal experience with the FYG anal bead necklace once Ryan Seacrest removes it from his ass. I would imagine one straight from the store would be less slippery and dull.

Randy- Yo man, LOVE the anal bead necklace. It's on and poppin!

Candice- Hey Nathaniel. Wait, may I call you Nate? Good. Look Nate, you need to stop trying to channel Olivia Newton John, and lose the fucking weird ass headbands. Seriously, you couldn't look more like a knob if you tried.

Randy- Let's get physical baby! Yo, that's what's up!

Simon- The circulation to your brain was cut off by that ghastly headband. Pathetic!

Kara- Hello?

Paula- Hey Kara, want some of my drink? It will help you feel better.

Paula- That was simply amazing! Well done..

Kara- I agree! not that anyone cares

Randy- Yo! Way to give a dog a bone, for real!!

Simon- Speaking of bone, you've put one in my trousers. *wink*

Candice- Down boy!

Paula- I'm so amazed by you. You can't sing very well at all, but your blind, so you will be getting my vote.

Kara- Sympathy vote from me as well!

Randy- Yeah dawg, I hated it, but you you can't see shit so it's all good in the hood.

Simon- Your stage presence lacked something. Can't you move around more or something? You just stayed in one spot the whole time. Booooring.

Candice- Simon.. he's blind you fucking idiot. Go give him a high 5 while you're at it!

Randy- I'm diggin' the country vibe thing you got goin' on.

Paula- I think you've got a future in the Country music industry.

Kara- I'm a douche.

Simon- Fancy a ride on my mule?

Candice- Nice hair.

Paula- You did so well getting rid of your accent. Kudos to you for singing like someone you aren't!!

Kara- Yeah, what she said...

Simon- I thought it was quite good.

Randy- Yeah, it was good, yo.

Candice- Not too bad, but I couldn't stop staring at your abundant eyebrows while you were singing. Why don't you donate a portion of those fuckers to Locks of love or something? Seriously.



Paula- One word - That. Was. Brilliant!

Candice- That was 3, jack ass.

Randy- That was blazin' hot flowin' lava, right there!! You in it to win it, baby!

Kara- ....

Simon- Might as well end the competition now. You're going to win.


Until next week.

humor-Blogs.com

Big whoop!

So Aidan went to yet another glorious birthday party, and he came home with one more worthless parting gift that is somewhat typical of events such as these. You may recall this particular party favor that he brought home that I damn near accidentally ingested. At the time, my life flashed before my very eyes, and I had visions of shitting a 10 lb triceratops sponge after it soaked up all of the contents of my GI tract. Alas, it never happened due to my superior gagging skills. Fear them.

So what did he come home with this time? You guessed it. A whoopee cushion. I've never seen anyone so obsessed with an object that makes disgusting farting noises in all my life. It's constant background noise around here, and I think it's quite possible that Aidan will give himself an aneurysm blowing the damn thing up before it's all said and done. Finally, it had to be taken away and placed in a secure location before I went all bat-shit crazy and killed some folks.

Meanwhile, I will sit here and wish hemorrhoids on the parents that thought it would be cool to pass these fuckers out as party favors to a bunch of 6 yr old boys.

I actually considered putting a pair of scissors to that whoopee cushion in an effort to end my nightmare set to flatulent background music, but then I came up with a diabolical plan. . . It would be the PERFECT thing to make Brent's conference calls more fun as he works from home. They all sound so damn miserable on the phone talking about shit that doesn't make any sense. It's time to blow some fun their way, so to speak.

Speaking of fun. Check this video out. This was almost like my gym experience that I posted about a while back, except the gas was silent and the fallout managed to melt the paint from the walls. I wish there had been a hidden camera in the gym to catch my facial expressions at the time, because I was SUPER PISSED.

Humor-Blogs.com