Billy Mays, the really annoying guy in most of the infomercials, is now a goner.
Anyway, I got a message today from another pretentious woman with a fake valley girl accent saying that my eye wear was in, and ready for pickup at my earliest convenience. Sweet! I could see myself rockin' my new shades (who really gives a crap about the other pair) while I yelled at Brent and the kids to respect my AUTHORITAH! It was going to be awesome!
So I reluctantly went to pick them up. I say reluctantly because it's hotter than fuck outside here in Texas and not only is it hot, but it has been humid too. Those two things and me? Don't mix well. I kind of turn into a bigger bitch than I already am. So to keep bitch Candice at bay, I tend to lower the AC down to 68 when I can get away with it, and stay naked indoors. Okay, so I'm really wearing winter clothes, but still. I'm cold and happy. Then Brent turns all Al Gore on me and complains about the AC bill, but I can tune just about anybody out when I feel like it. Especially when I'm almost comatose due to hypothermia.
Anyway, I practically deep fried my ass out in the heat to go and get what I thought were both pair of glasses. True to form, people continue to prove to me that they are complete idiots that can't even follow simple instructions by letting me know when my whole order is complete. Turns out my Cartman shades aren't ready and won't be for another few days. I politely told the lady a few things that probably indicated that I wasn't necessarily happy with her lack of ability to read a goddamn note, and I left knowing that I would have to brave the heat on yet another day.
Like usual, instead of directing my anger at the person in which it should have been directed at, I release my anger towards my dear husband in the form of text messaging. By the way, have I ever told you fine folks how much I adore text messaging? It's perfect for people like myself who really dislike talking on the phone. Anyway, read on.
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Me- "That stupid fucking BEEP! (rhymes with runt, stunt, shunt, blunt, and Helen Hunt. You figure it out) My sunglasses aren't even ready. She said she would call when they were BOTH done. Why are people so motherfucking stupid?"
Brent- trying not to add fuel to my fire "You're halfway there I guess. So when do you get your sunglasses?"
Me- My fire still burns bright "3 or 4 more days. That's not the goddamned point. I don't feel like coming all the way back here afuckingain!"
Brent- "Uh, it's only 15 minutes away. I understand you are annoyed, but it's not the end of the world. Frankie says: Relax."
Me- "No. Frankie says: Stab a bitch in the eye with those new fucking Prada's!"
Brent- "Frankie suggests Valium. Stat!"
Me- Frankie. Go fuck yourself."
-----------------------------------------------I'm going to blame this little diddy on heat intolerance.
For my blind readers, that is an empty aquarium with a picture of a fish drawn on it and taped to the front. The name of her drawing? Wait for it.....
Wait for it....
"Fishy".
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, when are my kids going to sprout an imagination when it comes to naming things? Shouldn't that have happened by now? I mean, what if it never improves before they go on to have kids of their own? They will be the ones naming their kid "Whitey" or some shit equally stupid. I'm serious, this has got to stop!
Anyway, just what am I supposed to deduce from her new room decor? Is it time for me to start cleaning sludge again?
She is also a real professional when it comes to cleaning the furniture. In fact, if you give either of my kids a wipe of some sort, they will clean for days. So here's a big shout out to the person who invented the leather cleaning wipes, glass wipes, granite wipes, dusting wipes, etc. My kids have never worked so hard in their lives. They have even taken up calling me Kathy Lee Gifford.
Little dude can even be persuaded to work as well. Although he's a little more demanding than his sister. He was negotiating various household chores in exchange for a new set or two of Batman Lego's. The nerve!
Then she arrived and you were even better than I had imagined. You were in this with me 150% and you did everything you could do with the exception of breast feeding. Trust me, if I could have found a way for you to do that in the middle of the night, I sure would have!
You've always been her hero. A strong male figure in her life that she can look up to. As far as she's concerned, you are the coolest guy in the world, and I think that's pretty darn special.
You will always teach her to reach high for her dreams, and she will do it because she trusts you implicitly.
She will see the world through her Father's eyes and be a better person for it. By the way, yes, those are your hideous "Chester glasses" from back in the day, and yes I know I couldn't cut her bangs worth a shit. Shut up. I never claimed to be a hair stylist. Thank you jeeezus!
Then Aidan came along. After I got over the fact that we weren't going to have another baby girl, I was thrilled that you would be a Daddy to a little boy. Not because of all of the time you two would spend bonding over sports. Ha! We both know you are no jock. I was just glad that the world would have a little clone of you.
I'm really proud of the strong sense of self that you have instilled in our little man. Aren't you happy to see that he's not afraid to tap into the more feminine side of life from time to time?
But never fear because he will always be a ladies man. Or a giant dork. Either way...
The thing I love most about you is that you have never parented out of convenience. You have ALWAYS been there for our kids no matter how tired you were, how much work you had to do, or what you really felt like doing in your spare time. You've picked up my slack. You've gone to the birthday parties at that place that I love to refer to as Hell on earth. Chuck E fucking Cheese. You've been to the play dates with annoying Moms that I didn't feel like hanging out with. You've changed a million diapers and cleaned puke off the floor when I couldn't even stand to look at it. I could go on, but what's the point? You've done everything I've done and then some, and you've never once complained about it. I appreciate it, and the kids appreciate it even though they don't know how to verbalize that yet.
Why do I think all of this is important?
Because some day Taylor will grow up and search out a man that has the same exact qualities as her Daddy, just as I did with you. She will have you to draw from, and it will change her life. Not all little girls grow up with such a strong influence in which to guide them, but she has you. She is lucky.
Likewise, Aidan will grow up knowing what it's like to be a honest, hardworking, funny, and caring individual, because he saw those exact same qualities in his Daddy as well. He will make someone very happy some day. I just know he will.
I want to truly thank you for these two beautiful, sweet, well behaved, and hilarious children. You are the absolute BEST Father in the world to them. I couldn't have asked for anything more.
I had an eye appointment this morning, so my major plan was to go and enjoy reading (or not) some small letters, and maybe later if I was really lucky I would have an awkward close encounter with a creepy Optometrist while he gave my eyeballs a blow job with that annoying ass glaucoma tester eye pressure thingy. By the way, I'm pretty sure that's the correct technical term for that particular test. Miss Perky- "Your eyes are stunning, but this stuff is going to just push them over. the. freaking. edge, girl!"
She shoves the mirror back in my face to show me her work. I struggle to see the difference between the before and after.
Me- " Wow!"
Miss Perky- "Hold on sister. Now I'm going to do your brows. You have a nice arch, but you need them to be filled in a bit more, and this Brow Zing is the perfect product for you." dab dab dab smudge..... GASP! "I'm so excited for you! Your eyebrow looks so hot it's GROSS!"
Me- "Wha?"
Miss Perky- she begins to yell again "TINO!! TINO!! Come over here and check this out!!!! Aren't her eyebrows like totally sick??"
Other shoppers begin to turn around and stare.
Son. of. a. bitch! I begin to think to myself.
Me- "You sure are enthusiastic."
Miss Perky- "Well, the transformation is just so off the hook sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed. hehehe" Pause "SO, what products are you interested in that we've used today?"
Me- "Uh, aren't you going to do my other eyebrow so I don't walk out of here looking like I'm really excited only on the left side of my face?"
Miss Perky- "Hello?!?! We sure don't want that now do we?" dab dab dab smudge...
Me- "No."
At that point I just wanted to get away from her. So in an effort to do so I bought everything but the Benetint to go on my "pout". Frankly, Covergirl lip stain in Everbloom kicks way more ass than the Benetint stuff did, but I didn't want to give Miss Perky a heart attack by telling her that. Then I was free to go and get the other two things I needed that ended up being actually more like 16. Damn you Ulta!
So I continued on with my shopping and before long I get a text from my main man Danny Gokey, asking how the eye wear shopping was going. I told him my shopping plan had taken a turn for the worse after I left my eye appointment. I explained my harrowing tale about being ambushed by the Benefit counter girl and how I was practically taken to the register with a gun to my back and Oh La La jabbed into my throat.
His sympathy was underwhelming. Let me tell you.
But at least when I walked through the door he didn't take one look at me and state "Nice brows" like he did the time I came home with his Mother after she decided to have a makeover at the Clinique counter. To be fair, she did look a little like this...
Uh, Danny Gokey called. He wants his damn glasses back! What. The. Fuck?
I suppose I should cut him some slack because this is a huge improvement over his glasses that he had when I met him. It took me a while (about 2 weeks) to get up the courage to let him know that he looked like Chester the child molester when he wore them. I mean, they were really, REALLY bad. So bad that I feared for the little children in the area when he put them on. I also got to the point where I refused to be seen in public with him when he wore them. Seriously, I would have crawled around on all fours and offered to be his seeing eye bitch before I walked hand in hand with him while he sported those hideous things.
So when faced with Danny Gokey glasses or frames that scream I want to fondle your kid??? I'll go with the former. Thanks.
To get these
From left to right- Buster (aka- fat bastard) and Samuel (aka- fucktard)Uh, yeah, I can't really think of anything else positive.
Now for the main reasons why I want them out of my casa.
They eat too damn much. Fat Bastard and Fucktard have "weight issues" to the point we had to stop filling up the cat dispenser with food. Apparently they thought they should stand at it roughly 23 hrs a day to feed. Now I get to play fat cat police, and they get a small bowl of food a day in an effort not to have the first cats that need gastric bypass surgery. I do believe they are pissed about this, and they are still plotting all of our deaths over that little decision. I'm terrified that one night I will wake up and find Fat Bastard sitting on my face, suffocating me with his large pendulous pannus. Then again, I'm not sure he can go airborne long enough to jump on the bed so I'm probably safe.
They snore when they sleep. Need I go on? I mean really. Brent snores, the dog snores, and now the cats have followed suit. Somebody's got to go, and since the felines don't respond to "DUUUUUUDE. Shut the fuck up already!" the cats are a good place to start.
They shed. It's annoying. I wanted to shave them both with clippers but Brent said no. Asswipe. He is a total fun squasher sometimes.
Recently they have decided that they are too fucking lazy to cover their own shit. The first time I discovered this, I thought it must have been an accident. Maybe someone disturbed them mid crap, so they just jumped out of the shit box without covering their turds. Well, that hasn't been the case. I'm sure they are just not wanting to be wasteful in these tough economic times. Trying to stretch the litter as far as it will go and whatnot. I really appreciate that and all, but I'm over walking down the hall to the scent of freshly uncovered cat shit in my laundry room. I even asked Brent if he took a dook in the litter box as a joke because it was so foul and, uh, buff. I briefly thought of writing Purina to tell them to lay off the damn fiber in the cat food before my cats' split themselves in half, but then I remembered that they would be dead at that point, and I'd no longer have to scoop shit at home.
I think I've made my case here. If you are in need of two furry assholes (they must go together since they are lovers) then contact me pronto!
So anyway, I'm excited that my big bro will be getting hitched. I give it 4 years tops.
I KID!!!!!!!
In other news, I made the trip home sans kids in 5 hours. That is a record for me ladies and gentlemen. I shaved a good hour off my time by doing these simple things.
1. I didn't travel with children.
2. I threatened Brent with his very life if he thought I was stopping for him to take a piss.
3. I limited my own intake. In other words. I was pissing dust by the time we got home. I've got the bladder the size of gnat condom, so you can see why I would limit what I drink.
4. I made those Nascar hicks look like complete fools with my precision driving skills. Seriously, they should be feared. Not only that, but I managed to get flipped off just once, but that was only because some ahole who clearly doesn't have the "Candice's rules of the road guide" thought they would blow by me in the right lane only to realize why I was in the left lane to begin with. Then they were all annoyed that they were now stuck behind the slow moving 18 wheeler going uphill, and apparently I was the asshole because I wouldn't let them back over in my lane and essentially cut me off. My response? The fuck you are... SUV trumps car the size of a golf cart. Have a good day. While you're at it, stop driving like a complete dildo.
5. Not only do I not stop to pee, but I also don't stop to eat. I got a long way to go and a short time to get there. Use those reserves baby!
So there, that's it in a nut shell. I recommend you all rush right on out and get my book "Candice's rules of the road guide". If everyone would abide by my rules there would be no traffic congestion at all. Slow people would keep to the right. Those who don't are immediately shot, or are blown to bits by my hood mounted close range rocket launcher, and they will eventually get out of the way. This will open up the proper lane for those of us who like to go the speed limit and beyond. There are many other tips and suggestions, but that will have to wait for another day. Why blow my wad all at once?
Brent "There's an awful lot of extra fabric here don't you think?"
I'm not even going to comment about my confusion as to why someone who wears a 3x would have an "Athletic Department" logo on their shirt.
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