Blogger Idol Round 3. A Parody of Marie Claire.

First of all, I would like to thank to all of my wonderful readers (that would be YOU) for dropping by Knucklehead's blog and making your presence known by voting for me in Blogger Idol. As you probably guessed, we've made it to round 3! Excitement abounds!

While I do appreciate all of the support that you've given me, I do want to make sure that you know it's important to read ALL of the other contestants entries prior to voting. (for me) I mean, that is REALLY imperative, people. The whole point here is to hopefully introduce you to other bloggers that you might enjoy reading. I know I've found a few blogs that I would have never read otherwise, so I think it's a pretty cool idea.

That being said, I also think it's really important that I mention all of this so that when I DO end up kicking everyone's ass and taking home the grand prize, a former contestant can't come back and say that I only won because my loyal readers were just blindly voting for me without "following the rules". Sure, that's a vagina-ish thing to say, and I doubt anyone would play that card, but hell, you never know. ;)

Anyway, round 3 rules state that I have to write a parody (Why God? Why??...) So what' s a parody? It's where I have to take an existing song, story, character, etc. and write my own twist to it. Sounds fun, right? Not so much. I actually suck at doing stuff like this. In fact, I've spent the better part of a week trying to figure out what in the hell I was going to write about.

Then one day while standing in line at the grocery store looking at magazine covers because once again I picked the slowest cashier on the face of the earth, the light bulb went off. All thanks to the ridiculous subtitles in Cosmo magazine. They were so selflessly willing to give me ideas on "how to get a healthy and sexy vagina". That's right. Lucky for me, I had the perfect "Hoo-Ha" handbook right there in Kroger. It was a life changing moment for sure.

So without further ado, here is my parody of the oh so informative articles that women actually pay to read in Marie Claire, Cosmo, etc.

10 Awesome Ways To Get Him To Masturbate Instead.

At Marie Claire, we know that women today have a lot on their plates. With working full time, motherhood, keeping the house clean, doing laundry non-stop, etc, it's no wonder that at the end of the day, the last thing you want to do is climb on top of your man's baloney pony and ride off into the sunset.

To help you out, we've come up with a list of 10 sure-fire ways to get your man to spank it instead. Follow these tips and you'll need to dust the cob-webs off of your junk prior to your next penetration.

1. Wear panties that look roughly the size of a king sized sheet with an elastic waist. Shit in them, and then walk around the house with your skid mark fully on display. We guarantee that he'll never want to hit that again.

2. Bitch and complain all day about his inadequacies and short comings. Especially the "short comings" part. It's difficult for a man to sport wood in your direction if he hates you.

3. Dress like his Mother.

4. Tell him that you're menstruating constantly now. Be sure and mention that your ass is bleeding as well, or at the very least fake diarrhea. Some men have their back door "loop holes" as a fall back plan during that time of the month. At Marie Claire, we want to prepare you for anything.

5. Fart constantly. For the majority of men, this will be a huge turn off. The rest of you? Good luck with that.

6. Cut your hair extremely short. Kind of like a man. Studies show that men are more attracted to women who have long flowing hair, and who also don't happen to look butch. Make sure there are no paper bags in the house that he can use to place over your face. Yes, it happens.

7. Stuff a halibut down your pants. Smelling like rotting fish is sure to keep your man at bay.

8. Forgo brushing your teeth and showering at all costs for obvious reasons.

9. Quote the bible constantly. Thinking about Jesus right before he's about to get a piece will make his noodle go Al dente right before the big bang event. Amen!

10. Walk around the house scratching your nether regions constantly. Then show him the nastiest STD picture you can find on google, and explain how your vagina now looks exactly like the picture. Ask him if he thinks it's normal. Chances are he won't touch you with a 10 foot pole, much less anything else.

Have other great tips on how to get him to "bate"? Send them in to Marie Claire. You may be featured in a future article.

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Okay, you know the deal by now. Head on over the Knucklehead's blog, READ THE OTHER CONTESTANTS ENTRIES, and then vote for the one you think is best. His poll will be up in his sidebar by 9 AM Pacific time today.


Wish me luck!!



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