Sunday, January 31, 2010

Blogger Idol round 5. Would you? could you? In a tree? Would you? Could you? Please vote for me?

Then there were 3.

That's right, thanks to you all, I've made it to the Semi-Finals in knucklehead's Blogger Idol! All I can say is, you people must really be into naked chicks, Jeffery Donovan, strategically placed produce, and 3 legged dogs. For that? I'm extremely grateful.

This week the post is supposed to be written in the style of Dr. Seuss, which will be a great challenge for me since I hate Dr. Seuss. Seriously, I never read him as child. I wouldn't. Couldn't. I was too proud. What's up with this dude? Was he hitting the bong? I couldn't bother to read that shit. It was just SO WRONG!

Okay, so let's get right down to business. Shall we?


Candice Takes A Trip

Candice needs to take a trip.
Would she? Could she? Take a ship?

Or maybe she would go by train?
No, of course - She'll take a plane.

The flight schedule - It truly sucks.
Gotta get up earlier than fuck

She got to the airport feeling quite dead.
Soon she saw an old lady with a cat on her head.

Okay fine. It wasn't a cat.
Instead, it was a horrible old wig that looked really wack!

So she continued on to security, to meet the TSA guy.
Just last week he was cooking fries.

A mere two weeks in government school...
Now he will protect us. Me and you.

He will check your balls. He will check your shoes.
The man's no fool. He reads the news.

She ran through security, and down to the gate.
She got checked in , not a minute too late.

Oh. My. God. What's that sound?
It's a ginormous family with 7 little assclowns.

Finally, It was time to board the DC9.
All the obnoxious children joined in line.

Sitting on the plane, and something's amuck?
Somebody farted. What the fuck?!?!?!

Finally the airplane hits the ATL.
Is this an airport, or personal hell?

This place makes Candice want to be a serial killer.
Jackasses wandering around like the zombies from Thriller.

She walked through the airport for what seemed like weeks.
And purchased overpriced food that left her unable to speak.

Seriously? Atlanta bread Company, thanks a bunch.
Charging her an outrageous price for her substandard lunch.

She got to the gate to catch her next flight.
The man picking his boogers in front of everyone gave her such a fright.

Please dear God. Don't let him sit next to her.
If he does, she will definitely NOT concur!

She finally made it to VA, and what did she win?
Some stupid bastard hit her in the head with the overhead bin!

"Watch it, dumbass!" she yelled with a glare.
"You hit me in the head. You messed up my hair!"

She ran off the plane, got her bags, met her friends.
And this is where her story ends.

Well, that's not quite true. There was more to this trip.
But if I told you what it was, you would have to pick up your lip.

So instead I will probably just go back to bed.
But first I want to tell you to visit Knucklehead.

There are 3 of us left, but one will have to go.
And I'm banking on your vote to win this show.

So would you? Could you? Vote for this chick?
I wish I could come up with something that rhymed with..... chick.

Wow, that was painful. ;)

You know what to do by now, right? Head on over to knucklehead and make your voice heard!

Final 3, baby! We want to go ALL... THE ... WAY!!


Julie said...

I just happened to run across the lady with the cat on her head.......

She must have stopped at Walmart after getting off the plane. Bitch stole my bandaids.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Dr. Seuss himself would be particularly proud of your use of the word "assclowns."

Nice work!

Mama Wheaton said...

I think you did very well considering you are not a fan. I would like tohear about your trip to VA though.

Brent said...

Note to wife: When you start writing professionally, do NOT start with children's fiction...

My understanding is that assclown is on the "do not use" list at most publishing houses.

Secretia said...

You got my vote, Candice!


pegzhere said...

You are right Brent. I am also pretty sure that they don't really approve of using the word "fuck".

Fragrant Liar said...

Um, dick lick?

Guys, I'll bet Dr. Seuss was DYING to say fuck and assclowns, but his contract prohibited it. That, or he's rolling in his grave right now.

Nice job, Candice.

meredith said...

ahahah... going to vote now!

Mike said...

I can't stand Dr. Seuss. Or NBC's Kieth Morrison because he sounds like he's Dr. Suess reincarnated. (I could just hear him reading your post out loud)

So I thought of withholding my vote out of protest but couldn't do it.

Danielle said...

Now if Dr. Seuss would have wrote like this, I would have read him. Kudos!

Ken said...

Well you were way out in front when I was over voting, like the other 2 have a chance......

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

That was awesome!!!

Debbie(singlemom;complicatedworld) said...

as a preschool teacher I read these words in the rhythm of Dr seuss! WITHOUT the 'potty' words of course, of course!!!:) you did awesome!!!

Awesomeness said...

Big C
Little c
What begins with C?

cat wig lady looking wack
couple with an assclown pack
Candice talking smack


Linda said...

We want to see the trophy you win from Idol Blogger. Is it anything like the Dancing with the Stars ball?

Candice said...

Julie- Well, the lady I saw in the airport looked just about as ridiculous.

Chris- I figured he would be. Thanks!

Mama Wheaton- I fully intend to tell you all some day.

Brent- Don't worry, I don't plan on writing books for children. I think I'll stick with adult drama for now. ;)

Secretia- Thanks!!

Peg- That's what's wrong with children's books. Need more fuck!

Fragrant Liar- I'm guessing the latter. Thanks :)

Mike- You better not hold out on me!!

Danielle- Ditto!

Ken- Hey, ya never know. Rock the vote! :)

Kelly- Thanks girl!

Debbie- Thanks a bunch. It was a total ass yank, and a difficult one at that.

Awesomeness- I should have recruited you to write my post, but I'm guessing that would have been against the rules. Great job!!

linda- I honestly have no idea. Should we put in requests?

Cagey said...

Well, I spent a little time trying to come up with a Seuss rhyme for you and couldn't. I'm afraid my inner infant is profoundly retarded. But, I as a result I truly appreciate how much work you must have done to come up with yours, and must congratulate you. Kudos!

Naturally, my vote is yours.

screwdestiny said...

*gasps* Dr. Suess was my FAVORITE as a child! This may cost you a vote.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

For somebody who hates Dr. Seuss (and that just seems wrong if you love writing, by the way), you did a very nice job with your poem. I think you even managed to use a little trisyllabic meter, which was his trademark.

I'd vote for you if I wasn't voting for myself! Good luck!

Scott Oglesby said...

How could you not have loved the good doctor? Maybe your parents weren’t blowing enough weed smoke in your face?

I loved this. Any children’s literature that included a serial killer, hell, bastards, dumbasses, zombies, jackasses, assclowns, balls and an omitted dick….is pure comedy gold. Gold Candice Gold!! You have my vote.

SupaCoo said...

I would, I could, I DID cast my vote
I didn't even take a boat!

Big City Dad said...

Great job you mental patient ;) You have a sick talent. Got my vote.

Unfinished Rambler said...

I was wondering how you'd include those four-lettered words of which you're so fond. I guess I didn't need to worry. :)

Buggys said...

Found your blog through knucklhead....this is some funny stuff! I think Dr. Seuss would be rolling or having a stroke, either way.

otin said...

Very funny! Someone farted! What the Fuck! LOL!

foxy said...

I have to say, I'm quite impressed with your mad rhyming skillz.

tallulah said...

Wow Candice! You really suck at Dr. Seuss rhymes. Then I went to the other two you are up against and read theirs.....I stand corrected. You kick ass! You've got my vote.

By the way, I think that was me on the plane with the 7 little brats. I didn't even recognize you (maybe it's coz your hair was messed up and you had a concussion.)

mac said...

In this endeavor you do shine.
Yours is a fabulous rhyme.
I'm sure you'll win this time.

Yes, I voted for you.
Now call off the roids, and the blisters too.

Candice said...

Cagey- Well, I appreciate the effort. That's really what counts, right?

Screwdestiny- Can't win 'em all!

Mike- Thanks buddy!

Scott- I don't recall my parents reading to me as a child period. I also don't recall any weed smoking. To be honest, I'm not sure where my disdain of the good doctor came from, but it's definitely there!

Supacoo- You're a natural! :)

Big City Dad- Thanks so much.

Unfinished Rambler- Nah, that should be one thing you don't ever have to worry about.

Buggys- Thanks!

otin- That was a true story btw. Why people think that they can fart of a fing plane and get away with it is beyond me. It's a god damn seat cushion. Not charcoal underwear! The smell WILL escape eventually.

foxy- Brent told me to think of it as a rap song. It didn't take long before my rhymes started to flow after that piece of advice.

Tallulah- I was about to take your strap on that you won in my giveaway back! Then I kept reading....

Consider yourself lucky. Very lucky. ;)

Mac- Thanks for the vote. Now I won't have to kick you in the scrot.

HAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Damn I'm good.

Salt said...

You never fail to impress the pants off of me. I was never a Dr. Seuss gal myself. This was AWESOME. Especially the way you worked "assclowns" in there.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That was hysterical!! I wish I could come up with something that rhymed with chick too!

PorkStar said...

ROFLMAO... this is probably the best post ever!!!! I'm still laughing at this... good job, hot stuff.!!!

I must see nakedness so I'm definitely voting right now. Surely because of the writing skill my dear.

Good job!

Ken said...

What rymes with "Chick"... Well hello "Flick" and then there is that other word........

Spaz said...

I'll go to knucklehead's place and vote for you because I'm pretty sure you have a better rack than the guy at too many mornings.

Well, that was the tie breaker between your entry and his anyways.

Candice said...

Salt- I agree that my poem was way cooler than anything Seuss ever dreamed of putting out there.

Would you? Could you? On the grass?
Would you? Could you? Tap that ass?

See? Pure freaking genius right there.

Lee- It's a very difficult word to rhyme with. Almost as difficult as xylophone.

Porkstar- Thanks a bunch! :)

Ken- Tick? Stick? Slick Rick?

Spaz- I dunno. I've seen some guys with pretty impressive man boobs. Don't count him out. ;)

drollgirl said...

bahhaha! hilarious! traveling is MURDER, and you have summed it up quite well here!!!!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Note Spaz and Candice: I have a fabulous rack! Not super large, mind you, but firm and perky. Acutally exotic, if you don't mind me saying so. Vote for me.

AnnQ said...

"Just last week he was cooking fries"

F-ing awesome. And SO true!

Candice said...

Drollgirl- I agree. It's all about the destination sometimes. ;)

Mike- I doubt your moobs are vote worthy. Nice try though. ;)

AnnQ- Thanks.

Mike said...

One more day left to vote and a clear pattern is developing. You better have saved the best for last.

Southern Sage said...

Thats the silliest shit I ever read..
I'll be voting for you on Knucklehead..

I'll send my girls to your aid..
for it I'll never get laid or paid..

but for you, Candice, so sexy and great..
I'll send my girls, your case to state..

Via email, phone, train or boat..
for your blog they will surely vote..

a debt to me you do not owe..
keep sending the pics! I'm for them, you know!!!

You have a hotness thats second to none..
We will vote for you so you can Get Er Dunnnnn!!!

Good luck sexy!

Southern Sage said...

how do you whisper on here? Do folks use () to whipser? Or * or what?

(every chick that comments here is frickin hot, you should send em to your good buddy Sage! Sage digs hot chicks)

Roschelle said...

Wow, you and Mike did an awesome job. So glad I stopped in to check it out. ER nurse and moonlighting blogger here too. Look forward to reading more!

Realliveman said...

Nice Blog. I will be back for more!

blueviolet said...

That was so funny and cute!

The score is really close this week but you've got my vote!

Doc said...

You have my vote for sure!

Candice said...

Mike- And what pattern might that be? ;) I'm sure I can yank something out nowhere assuming I even make it to final 2.

Southern Sage- That was brilliant. Thanks. I'll see what I can do about pimping out my hot commenters to you. ;)

Roschelle- Thanks for stopping by! Always nice to hear from a fellow nurse :)

Realliveman- Thanks. Come back any time.

Blueviolet- Thanks a bunch!

Doc- Hey, I appreciate it. :)

Gigi's Consignment Closet said...

I will never look at that book the same again. Funniest thing I've read in a while!!

Sometimes Sophia said...

Yup... Painful. I'm only voting for you because of our shared history. I want you to WIN!!!

jam said...

i've voted. my husband and i went to a wedding a couple of years ago. the couple did there vows in dr. suess. it was great. good luck, love.

Tracie said...

Any post that includes 'assclown' is pretty friggin' fabulous.

Is assclown the new asshat?

Maha said...

You got my vote for that brilliant poem alone. Assclowns alone was enough!

injaynesworld said...

Seuss has nothing on you! Dropping by because Lee, the Hot Flash Queen, told me to and well, you know... the bitch scares me.

Seriously funny piece, Candace. Guess I better get my ass on over and vote for you, but I'll just stick my tiny head in your sidebar first.


Existential Waitress said...

Came here from Lee - you're hilarious! Now following.