I made the long journey upstairs to check on the kids one last time before I decided to turn in for the night. I think this ritual comes pretty much standard with motherhood since I've done this almost nightly since both of my children were babies.
I made it to the second floor and I saw a soft glow coming from Aidan's room. Scratch that. I saw his reading lamp that was attached to his bed 2 inches from his face, bright as fuck by the way, searing his retinas as he slept. If it weren't for my motherly instincts checking on her young and whatnot, he would have surely sustained a 15 degree burn by morning. Or at the very least, he would have developed a bitchin' case of melanoma due to the fact that his father apparently thinks it's appropriate to place a 900 watt light bulb in his reading lamp. Seriously, I could grill chicken on that thing!
So anyway, I began to admire what amazing DNA that I evidently posses as I gazed at my adorable sleeping child. I turned off his BBQ lamp, and then I kissed him goodnight on his soft cheek. I also verified that he was in fact still breathing, because I'm sort of neurotic like that even though he bypassed the SIDS high risk window like 6 years ago.
Eventually, I made my way down the hall to Taylor's room. She had managed to cover herself in 5 comforters, one throw blanket, 1 sheet, and 2 fat ass cats who seem annoyed that I was disturbing their sleep. I looked at the cats and gave them a glare that let them know without a shadow of a doubt that they could feel free to suck it if they were that put out by my presence. I removed the 321 layers in order to find my sleeping beauty, I smelled her clean damp hair, and then kissed her goodnight on her sweet freckled cheek.
All was well in my world until out of the corner of my eye, I glanced over at the hermit crab habitat. What. The. Fuck????? Oh hell no! (cue creepy music here) I walked slowly towards the dresser where Taylor kept Mr. Crabs. I could feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
Terrification set in. I'm fairly certain that I just made up a word. I really do kick ass... Anyway, I saw that the shell that the crab once called his home was flipped upside down, and this THING was in the sand next to it. It was dark in the room, so I wasn't sure exactly what I was seeing, but I knew it was evil. I immediately flipped on the light, proceeded to scream, and then I woke Taylor up to ask her if she knew what the hell was going on with her crab.
Nevermind that it was midnight, I needed to know exactly what we were dealing with here.
Me- "OH MY GOD!!! Taylor!!! Wake up!"
Taylor- "The light! It burrrrns!"
Me- "Have you seen this!? What the heck is going on with Mr. Crabs?"
Me- "He's freaking me out! He's out of his shell, and he looks all cyanotic and evil. He doesn't look at all what I envisioned a crab to look like. We've got to do something about this."
Taylor- "He's MOLTING Mommy!"
Me- "I think he's dead, or worse......"
So I calmed myself down and went back downstairs to bed. Well, not really... I decided that it was time to wake up Brent to tell him the latest development with the crab. (shaking Brent violently) "Houston! We have a problem." I said matter-of-factly as I pulled the blankets off of him. "We've reached the danger zone with the crab thing, and frankly I don't feel comfortable with it living in this house any longer."
After meaningless banter back and forth, I was able to (threaten him with his life) get him to march his ass upstairs to go and see exactly what I was talking about. This thing was vicious, and if left to its own devices, there was no telling what this crab was capable of. I had to convince Brent of this.
So he looked into the crab shack and turned around to me and says "Yep. It's a crab. This is what you called me up here for? You woke me up for this??"
"Look at it! It's totally out of its shell, and it's WHITE for Christ's sake! Just yesterday he was a completely different color! So I guess we have the Sammy Sosa's of hermit crabs, and that's all of the sudden normal to you? Look, this is not what I signed up for. Frankly, I find it disturbing as hell. And just look at it! It doesn't look like any crab I've ever seen. Those assholes at Petco went and sold me some defective, psycho freak crab."
So to prove me wrong, Brent came up with the brilliant idea to poke it with a pencil to see if it would show signs of life by moving it's legs. I'm really not sure of the outcome of his plan since I ran off in the opposite direction screaming like a bitch, but needless to say, it was fun for the whole family.
So we decided to go back downstairs to get some sleep, and then about 4 minutes later Taylor came busting through our door with a look of fear on her face. She automatically climbed in our bed and got between us while staring intently at the ceiling.
Me- "What do you think you're doing?
Taylor- "I'm going to sleep."
Me- "Uh, not down here you're not. This king size bed is barely big enough for me given that I like to sleep like a capital X. Nevermind you, your father, and the dog. . . "
Taylor- "But I'm scared?"
Brent- "Good job, Mommy!"
Me- "What?!?! Taylor, you're scared of your crab? Seriously?"
Taylor- "But I looked at him and you were right. He does look evil." she beings to cry
Brent- "Way to go. Now she's terrified of her own pet. . . "
Me- "What?!? Stop looking at me like I'm Hannibal Lecter. That crab is rather disturbing. I was only stating the facts. Plus, I think it's dead anyway. "
Taylor- "I think it is too. Because DADDY was poking it with a pencil!!"
Me- "Ha!!! Yes, Daddy WAS poking it with a pencil wasn't he?"
Long story longer, Brent was forced to go back upstairs, duct tape the lid on the crab's habitat just in case the body blows with the pencil weren't enough to do him in, and he finally transported Mr. Crabs to an alternate locale called the guest bathroom on the opposite side of the house.
Surely this would keep us all safe.
Or would it?
Stay tuned for part 2 whenever I get around to posting it.
Oh, and please don't forget to vote for your girl over at Knucklehead. Voting ends on Wednesday!!
The Pumpkin Man Hates Madison Avenue
3 weeks ago