Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Times They Are A-Changin' (Blogger Idol finale)

Guess what? We (as in me and you) have finally made it to the last round of Knucklehead's Blogger Idol. Thank you all so much for sticking with me and voting week after week. I can never thank you enough. By the way, my competitor is under the impression that I'm honestly going to post naked pictures of myself if I win. I'm fairly certain that my readers are smart enough to know a joke when they see one, so let me just state for the record that I will NOT be posting naked pictures of.... myself.

Moving on.

Today's topic will be writer's choice, so lets do this thing, shall we?
There comes a time in your life when you know that you're ready to embark on "the journey". This grand journey that I speak of is indeed life altering, and it is one that has abundant highs and lows, and many times, while very rewarding, can seem never ending.

That being said, this journey is most certainly not meant for everyone. It's especially not meant for those of a selfish nature, or for the faint of heart. Oh, and if you are the type of person who enjoys a full night's sleep?? Fagettaboutit!

What am I talking about?

Now I don't particularly have the time to get into all of the ways that having children will rob you of your youth and beauty, steal your soul, financially ruin you, make your ass wider, your feet bigger, your boobs drag to the floor, and make you say things that essentially turn you into your Mother, consequently making you want to reach into your throat and rip your very own larynx out.

However, I will touch on the one thing that WILL inevitably happen to you once you have chosen to hop on the offspring bandwagon. Many times it starts out innocently enough. You have your beautiful child (at least YOU think so) sitting next to you on the couch. You're emotionally barren, hungry, completely fucking exhausted, and if you have to listen to that loud, obnoxious, deafening noise that is emitting from the ginormous pie hole of that thing you call a child for one more minute, you will surely hang yourself with your very own milk stained nursing bra.

Then it happens. As you mindlessly flip through the television channels, you accidentally land on something that catches your little monster's eye.


Silence. . .

No seriously, it's as if you have installed a MUTE button on that kid of yours, and they're just sitting there not making a sound. They seem to be completely and totally mesmerized by the characters bouncing around before them on television.

Now I absolutely remember being a naysayer before I had my children. I recall my sister letting her boys watch Barney, and the ration of shit I gave her because of it. "Are you serious?" I would ask. "This is the best you can do? A homosexual, purple dinosaur with a lisp? Really??? You should be ashamed of yourself. Craig and Dylan are SO going to get their asses whooped!"

Well guess what, kids? Now I get it. I totally do. I eventually went on to have my own children, and I caved to the likes of Sesame Street, Stanley, Dora The Explorer, The Wiggles, Lazy Town, Thomas and Friends, and The goddamed DoodleBops just to name a few.

While I was somewhat forced to watch these ridiculous programs with my children, I will say that they weren't all bad. However, Sesame Street did annoy the hell out of me. As you well know, they like to focus on diversity, which I'm totally down with. Unfortunately, when my kids began pointing out that the only white kids on the show were either mentally challenged, parentless, in wheelchairs, or blowing Oscar the grouch for spare change behind his trash can, I began to steer them towards other programming.

Stanley, on the other hand, was pretty cool. I learned all about animals from his great big book of everything, and his talking pet gold fish was a total smart ass, which I could relate to. Dora The Explorer, while being left alone to her own devices given that her parents were rarely around, was also not the worst possible thing to watch. Truth be told, I learned more Espanol from that bitch than I ever thought about learning in both of my Spanish classes in high school. Oh, and The Wiggles? Totally lame, but one of the guys was half way attractive and didn't come across as a pedophile. Besides, who am I to judge someone for singing "Toot toot chugga chugga big red car"?

Then time went on, and things began to get just plain weird. Thanks to some jack offs in Iceland and Canada, educational programs like Lazy Town and The Doodlebops came on scene. Perhaps some of you are familiar with this crap, and if you are, I'm so sorry. For those of you lucky enough to have missed out on them, please familiarize yourself by viewing YouTube videos or googling them. Only then will you appreciate my disdain for the crackheads who came up with this high quality television programming for children.

Luckily my kids are of the ages where these types of shows are no longer a concern of mine, and if they do have momentary lapses in good judgement, I simply send them to another area of the house out of my eyesight and earshot in which to view them.

As fate would have it, the other day as I was flipping through the channels, I accidentally happened on one of the best kids shows EVER! All I could do was sit on the couch in a catatonic state, unable to believe what I was seeing. It was essentially a one eyed ribbed for her pleasure vibrator, a cute little butt plug, and a hopelessly flamboyant DJ that was clearly a dildo of some sort, dancing around on the screen singing songs to the little children of the world and whatnot.

One eyed ribbed for her pleasure vibrator

A cute little butt plug

The hopelessly flamboyant DJ lance

I think it was called Yo Grabba Dildo, Yo Gabba Gabba or something equally lame. I really can't remember. All I know is Nick Jr has some major issues.

Then again, I do have to ask myself this question. If my kids were young enough to be mesmerized by such crap, would I let them in the name of peace and quiet, my sanity, and all that is zen and harmonious???

You bet your sweet ass I would!

Oh, and now that I think about it, I do have one more question. Can these Yo Gabba Gabba things be purchased in stores? Preferably with AA batteries included? I mean, for the kids of course...

Alright! This is my last entry for Knucklehead's blogger idol. It's just me and Mike fighting it out for the title. Don't let me down, please vote vote vote (for me!!) Spread the word to all of your family and friends with internet access! ;)


MODG said...

man i was JUST thinking this morning how I really want my kid to be into SNL and Dexter.

Nomad said...

they put shows like this on the air and wonder why kids are snorting coke at recess and becoming gayer that elton john at a celine dion concert.

otin said...

I always thought that Spongebob Squarepants would be a great name for a femine product!

blueviolet said...

Your take on life is completely and utterly fascinating and hilarious!!! Your vote is cast! ;)

Candice said...

MODG- Start 'em out young! That's the only advice I can give you. I like to watch Super Nanny with my kids. That way I can point out if they EVER act like those kids I will not hesitate to beat that ass. ;)

Nomad- Tell me about it!

Otin- Hey, if the absorbancy was right, I'd use it!

blueviolet- Thanks so much!! :)

Salt said...

So THAT'S what Yo Gabba Gabba is! I have heard many of my mom friends talk about how great it is and now I can see why.

My 4 year old nephew is complete batsh*t over Thomas and I have watched countless episodes of that and know all the songs and dance with him when the theme song comes on and catch myself whistling it in stores, etc etc...

But really Thomas scares the crap out of me. I hate his creepy facial expressions and secretly hope that he will go away by the time I have a child so that I don't have to have any related toys in my house.

Mrs. L said...

I'm voting for you because you spelled "larynx" correctly.

Candice said...

Salt- The Thomas shows were sort of creepy. The fact that their mouths never moved always annoyed me as well.

Aidan was so train obsessed at one point that when I walked into my bathroom, he was sitting in the floor with a box of my tampons all opened and lined up pulling them by the strings and pretending that they were trains.

Yes, I was mortified. Why do you ask?

Mrs. L- Whatever works. Thanks for your vote. :)

Ken said...

Oh hell yes you can get them right here and a little jewel I call a rabbit all come wuth batteries. just send me your account number and routing number and I will send them off in the next shipping day.

Jaime said...

is that how you got so many votes in this competition - by claiming you'd post some nudes? i love you and you have my vote, but if you really are going to start posting THOSE pics, i may have to rethink both those statements ;)

my son's totally obsessed with the movie cars these days. it's all he wants to watch. i suppose i should be happy it's not barney, right?

Jay said...

"let me just state for the record that I will NOT be posting naked pictures of.... myself."

Well thanks for ruining my weekend.

When I was a kid we didn't have all this wholesome programming. I usually just watched late night movies on Cinamax and read books like "Helter Skelter" and turned out just fine. ;-)

Tracie said...

I was trapped in the church nursery today watching Barney. He is still as annoying as he was 5 years ago.

screwdestiny said...

Kid's shows are such utter tripe nowadays. I remember the good stuff when I was little. Sesame Street (when they weren't on their "we hate white people" kick), Mr. Rogers, Arthur, even Spongebob Squarepants was cool. But now? I couldn't stand being a parent and having to watch all that crap.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Nice to meet you Candice! I gave you an award on my blog.
I see we have a lot of the same friends.

I'm so glad my kids are a bit old for Yo Gabba Gabba. I had to endure Barney with #1 Son and SpongeBob with my girls.
Laugh out loud at Otin's comment! He might be on to something. Maybe a million dollar idea? The cartoon would be ruined forever though.


Candice said...

Ken- Your enthusiasm is overwhelming. ;)

Jaime- I'd watch Cars over Barney any day.

Jay- We didn't have Cinemax growing up. I feel so sheltered now.

Tracie- That doesn't surprise me in the least.

Screwdestiny- Not all kids shows are bad these days. Sponge Bob, barnyard, phenius and ferb, and that penguin show are all decent. I mean, I'm not going to DVR them anytime soon, but I can tolerate them.

Green eyed momster- Thanks for stopping by, and thanks even more for the award. :)

Shanners said...

I was laughing at this and about half way through thought "Damn, Candice would shit if she saw 'Yo Gabba Gabba'!"....bwahahahah...

Although, nothing is as cute as Kaylee singing "I'm so sorry" from the show.

Yo Gabba Gabba has to be thought up by someone who drank the bong water a few too many times!

Debbie(singlemom;complicatedworld) said...

What a different take on children's programing!! Hilarious to to cast my vote now!!!

Fragrant Liar said...

Isn't that what Fred Flinstone used to say as he ran through the house? Gabba grabba dildoo!

Eva Gallant said...

I read this post after spending the afternoon watch Yo Gabba Gabba, Wow Wow Wubzy, and Sponge Bob with my 3 year old grandson! lol

Eva Gallant said...

Ihave to add, I must really be getting old because dildos and butt plugs did not come to mind as I watched Yo Gabba Gabba! lol

Gigi's Consignment Closet said...

All I can say is THANK GOD my kid never got into Yo Gabba Gabba. I watched it one time and felt a seizure come on.
Now mine is into Spongebob and icarley. And you may read on the news soon about mom that kills husband for buying a box set of 100 SB episodes and forcing her to repeatedly watch them.
I'm just saying. :)

You hilarious Candice and you have my vote.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

This made me laugh my ass off - I was hoping you'd get to the Yo Gabba Gabba part. My friends children are OBSESSED with this show and I had NO idea what it was. It's hard enough to understand her youngest - she's adorable but often calls things like Shrek, "COCK" and I'm not always sure she's speaking to me in appropriate terms... comical - you bet your ass but at the same time a bit uncomfortable when you have a small child saying COCK to you vs. Shrek! At least my boyfriend's little sister could say "DRECK" when she meant Shrek.

In any case they love this show. But I love your description even more.

I'm not above sitting my kids in front of the TV to give me some peace and quiet. I grew up on Dukes of Hazzard and Wonder Woman and Mr. Rogers and aside from my love for sweaters, switching my shoes, yelling YEEEEE HAW and spinning wildly in my underoos over and over I think I turned out OK. I never robbed a bank or went in a scheme with Boss Hog so I think I'm OK! ;)

Awesomeness said...

My girl watches Yo Gabba Gabba...when I'm not home. She also watches Barney, The Teletubbies and Wow Wow Wubsy (or whateverthehellit'scalled) when I'm not home.

Otherwise, I instill an appreciation for high-brow, educational entertainment.

We watch Looney Tunes. Kill da waaaaaabit!

Candice said...

Shanners- Or someone who is clearly a fan of sex toys. Maybe even both.

Debbie- That's how I roll. ;)

Fragrant Liar- Nice one!

Eva Gallant- I give you my condolences. I bet you never look at yo gabba gabba the same way ever again. ;)

Gigi- I've got Sandy's Texas accent down pat!

Kelly- Shrek and cock, huh? Me thinks some little kid is just repeating what Mommy is walking around saying.

Aidan used to say cock instead of CLOCK. He also said fuck instead of truck. Needless to say, I never took him to public places as a small child. ;)

Awesomeness- I used to LOVE looney Toons.

usedtobecute said...

OMG! you are too funny. My niece watched Barney and I swore my kids never would and they didn't. They did however watch Dora, Blues Clues and Stanley. Your take on the newer stuff is hilarious! I can't stand Lazytown with the plastic people and the gymnast hero. What is with that? Anyway, your blog is my favorite and you get my vote. Thanks for making me laugh!

Danielle said...

What ever happened to the smurfs or strawberry shortcake?

Cagey said...

That Sesame Street stuff may drive you nuts, but it's highly effective for teaching very young kids some basic shit, like counting to 10. I still occasionally get flashbacks of The Count when I'm inadvertently destroying innocent walnut board stock in my shop. "Three! Three stupid moves! One stupid move, two stupid moves, three stupid moves! Uh-Uh-Uh! I love to count!" Fuckin' OCD if there ever was a case [grin]

Mariann Simms said...

I just watched that "ribbed for her pleasure" one-eyed guy on a commercial for the Super Bowl driving around in a Kia (or something) with a sock monkey. I was wondering what the hell it was (honestly I just thought the same people who did H.R. Pufnstuf found their old stash and smoked it again). Thanks to your blog I now know what it is. "Yo Gabba Gabba Hey!" back atcha!

Jen said...

Lazy Town made me want to vomit and feed my kids junk food, just to prove I was still in charge. We grew out of those shows just as Yo Gabba Gabba hit the scene but they have some awesome guests.

As for shows created while taking acid, you forgot to mention the show with the baby sun and all the rabbits, I can't remember the name but there were four of them and a vacuum, one of them was named Po. This is gonna bug me.

Candice said...

Usedtobecute- Yeah, the gymnast hero and plastic people freaked me out a little bit. Thank goodness that show was short lived around my house. Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it!

Danielle- The Smurfs finally died of blue balls because Strawberry short cake wouldn't give it up. It's a tragic story really.

Cagey- I guess at some point I figured that my kids knowing how to count to 10 was really overrated. ;)

Mariann- I just love it when I'm informative. :)

Jen- It was the freaking Teletubbies! Yeah, we didn't get too hooked on that crap around here. I couldn't manage to view that shit.

"Uh Oh!!!"

yeah.. Go fuck yourself Po.

tallulah said...

Yo Gabba Gabba is a total mind fuck. It's especially so are not of sound mind.

I am so in love with Sponge Bob and The Simpsons. The great thing about those programs is that the kids love them even when all of the adult humor goes over their heads. In fact, we are watching one now as Bart says, "When I grow up, I want to go to the Betty Ford center." The hell with Dora...Sponge and Simpsons are the shit.

Brandy said...

I voted! But I didn't read the rest b/c that Gabba dude scares me. He ain't right.

mac said...

Barney is gay?
That might well explain those weird phone calls I've been getting from some anonymous dinosaur?

Worst ever? Teletubbies! Those fuckers creeped me out... and it pissed me off that I agreed with Jerry Falwell.

I told my kids they were wimps for liking these guys. Give me Foghorn Leghorn anyday :-)

Mike said...

Where's my comment?! Oh wait! I was going to come back after I voted. Oops. But now I'm glad I forg... waited. I saw the big orange thing on TV. I saw all the bumpy things all over it. I can see you smiling.

Candice said...

Tallulah- I know exactly what you mean. I can appreciate the kid shows that throw in a hefty dose of adult humor.

Brandy- No, he most certainly isn't. What the hell does a dildo need teeth for anyway? Walrus teeth at that!

Mac- I second that notion.

Mike- Like I said, ribbed for her pleasure.

Scott Oglesby said...

While this was hilarious, and you definitely have my vote (I told you I got your back) I have to adamantly disagree with a few of your statements….

I had a child, a beautiful, baby girl; and my ass didn’t get any bigger at all. And my pecs and feet are still the same too.

Secondly, I actually got into Sesame Street. That show is ghetto fabulous! I was shocked to get to see such special guests as Jessica Alba, Tyra Banks, Sheryl Crow, and Tony Soprano to name a few!

They get better guests than Letterman.

Good luck hun….but you don’t need it!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Hey, I didn't you I was under the impression you were going to post naked pics of yourself. I said many of your readers were under that impression. Now they're going to be disappointed. But I don't think it's going to keep you from totally kicking my ass in the voting. You've been WAY ahead in every round.

I know what you're talking about when it comes to giving in to TV. We even bought the kids individual DVD players for the car. We're bad parents. I really used to enjoy that show with the Tiggy Winky character, or whatever, though. It was like being on heroin or something (I imagine). Very calming and surreal.

Southern Sage said...


You lost me at no naked pics.

Good luck!!!

foxy said...

You know, I saw that red dildo thing on a super bowl ad last night and wondered why he seemed so familiar. Huh.

I'm sure you'll win because you rock, not because you promised naked photos. But that would be a nice way to say thank you.

Sonia said...

OMG, 'Yo Grabba Dildo' ?! Thanks for renaming it, that's gonna stick with me! I recently talked about that show with a friend..... I've never dropped acid or hallucinogenic drugs, but I would SWEAR that show is what an acid trip looks like. FU-REAKY!

Cassie said...

It's amazing what children's progrmming a woman will put up with for her sanity and silence.

Sonia said...

Oh, and the show that I CAN stand my kid watching, is The Upside Down Show. It doesn't make me want to scratch my own eyeballs out. The Teletubbies freaked him the fuck out, which was FINE with me! Now he's into Wall-E the movie, and that 80's movie Short Circuit. Probably because the two robots are so similar? Dunno, but I can handle his maturing taste in TV and movies. The few times he's watched Yo Gabba Gabba, he was immediately in a catatonic state. Depending on the kind of day we were having, sometimes that was fine, know what I'm saying?

Candice said...

Scott- I totally remember when Tony Soprano (sorry, I can never refer to him as anything else) was a guest. I was hoping he would wack everyone on sesame street.

Mike- I think you buying the kiddos their own individual Dvd players makes you a wise parent, not a bad one. Beats the hell out of listening to them argue over which movie they will watch first.

Southern sage- I might have something for ya!

Foxy- well aren't you sweet ;)

Sonia- it is Fu-reaky. I never thought I would see the day where small children would be entertained by singing
dildo's and butt plugs.

Cassie- so true.


Brent said...

The DJ's name is LANCE? Seriously?

Candice said...

Brent- were you expecting something more catchy like DJ Ben Dover?

handstowar said...

You somewhat beat me to the punch on this post. I've been working on a post about Yo Gabba Gabba... but you just pretty much stole my whole idea... although I hadn't thought of Muno as a dildo... but whatever.

The Wiggles should all freakin' die too BTW.

The T-Dude said...

As a parent, I'm always amazed at what I learn. Check out my latest post about my enlightenment from a nine year-old and a dead parakeet.

Roschelle said...

Good luck to both of you. You and Mike are awesome writers :)

TentCamper said...

I voted for you!!!!

That post was spot on and ....funny as shit!! Those kids shows make me want to vomit...for the most part!!

Candice said...

handstowar- Sorry dude. I think you should go ahead and post about it anyway. Spread the word about the sex toy show for kids! It's too awesome not to share.

T-Dude- I did, and I loved it. RIP bird...

Roschelle- Thank you :)

TentCamper- I appreciate your vote. Damn, do I sound like a bullshit politician or what? However, I really mean it when I say thank you. :)

~Shelley~ said...

So incredibly funny!!!! Excellent post! I'll vote for you..because as a mother of 3 kids...I know for a fact that you speak with truth!!!!!!

Yay you!!

~Shelley~ said...

Oh...and how could I NOT become your newest follower?! You rock!

Found you on MBC! Love for you to come visit me sometime!

~Shelley @ Shelley's Swag

Dalia (Generation X Mom) said...

I will never see Yo Gabba Gabba the same! Thanks for this incredibly funny post! Love it! Found you on MBC and you got my vote.

Candice said...

Shelley- Thanks so much for stopping by and voting!! I'll be by your place soon!

Dalia- Sorry, I hope I didn't ruin it for ya. ;) Thanks for your vote!

Keith Wilcox said...

I hear ya! For a long time my kids were into the backyardigans. I don't know any of the infant and toddler shows on these days because now my boys are into x-men and star wars and stuff. I would not want to be the parent who has to choose between silence and peace and that DJ lance guy! :-)