I realize that my view on baseball may make me Un-American. Luckily I’m okay with that.

I remember telling my Mom what kind of man I would marry some day when I was a young girl. There were many criteria, but top on my list were

1. He can’t be a sports fanatic. There will be no ESPN on in my house.
2. He’s got to pay the bills, but making all the money would not be a requirement, even though I would be okay with that as well. I just simply wanted him to literally pay the damn bills. Paying bills is something that falls underneath the “shit work” category in my opinion, therefore it must be delegated to someone else like a husband, or an accountant.
3. He’s got to be nice and respectful of his own Mother unless she’s a bitch, because if he falls short there, he’s most likely a giant asshole. *Keep this in mind single ladies*
4. He’s got to have well aligned teeth, and a big, uh, smile, and good hair.

They say what you put out there in the universe comes back at you, or something ridiculous like that. Regardless, it seems to have worked in my case because Brent has never watched a sport in person, or on TV all of the years that we’ve been together. ESPN hasn’t ever been on in our house. He pays the bills. He’s nice and respectful to his Mother. He’s got all of his teeth, hair, and his equipment is reliable and functional.

All of that, and I don’t even think he is gay.

Unfortunately everyone else around me isn’t quite as cool.

In Dallas, people start gathering around in large circle jerks around August to begin celebrating the pathetic excuse for a football team they call the Cowboys. Finally people are starting to catch on to the fact that they are overrated, and actually suck.

As luck would have it, they can now turn their attention to the Texas Rangers since they’ve managed to squeeze out a few wins this year.

So the other day as I was perusing Facebook, I noticed a very annoying trend. Instead of just doing one thing, and doing it well, there were people updating their status with damn near every play of the Ranger game. They were using Facebook as some sort of a twittering device as they watched baseball, as though the rest of us really gives a shit about their every thought on such an inane sport.

It’s what I like to call extreme douchebaggary at its finest.

So I decided to turn the TV on to the baseball game and see what the big deal was. Was I missing out on something?

Turns out, not so much. In fact, I was repulsed by what I saw.

Men that play this sport are nothing but vile, ill-mannered, arrogant, tobacco chewing, nut scratching, ball juggling, assholes who all seem to suffer from hypersalivation judging by the way they are constantly spitting shit out of their mouths every 5 seconds.

Can I just go back to the self fondling for a bit?

I suppose it’s ironic how these men decided to play a sport where they get to grasp at wood and play with balls for hours at a time. However, there needs to be a fucking line drawn somewhere.

Is this?

Dude on the left clearly smuggled a small child in his pants. Jesus! Sa-wing batter batter!

and this strictly necessary?

Latent?

One thing is abundantly clear to me. There are either some serious jock strap fit issues in baseball as a whole, or these bastards just have a fetish with their own genitalia.

Like the hind catcher, for example. Is it impossible for the pitcher to make his own mind up on what kind of ball he will throw, or is it mandatory that the guy behind the plate has to fiddle his scrot a million times before every goddamned pitch is thrown? It’s disgusting.

Regardless, this kind of crap doesn’t hold my attention well.

However, since we now apparently have a team in the running for the world series, I can’t even watch news without having THE CLAW and ANTLERS thrown in my face.

Allow me to explain.

Just when I think that baseball couldn’t get more retarded, the Texas Rangers, and more importantly, their FANS prove me wrong.

Apparently there is a “true grassroots idea” going on with this team and their fan base. They are so creative that they decided to put antlers on top of their heads when a member of the team runs fast, steals a base, gives an extremely timely reach around, etc.

Because I’m to understand that deer are fast? Right?

Not the ones I’ve seen. Not only that, deer are fucking stupid. They frequently walk into shooting range while loud, obnoxious, and drunken rednecks that are all horribly camouflaged up in a tree, proceed to pick them off one by one.

Would it have hurt these jackasses to actually push their boundaries and be slightly more creative than a 1st grader? What about a signal for a cheetah or a jaguar? They are way faster and more impressive than some old deer.

Hell, even the universal sign for jacking off would have been less embarrassing for everyone involved. That too, is quick, no? It's certainly more applicable.

Now lets move on to the next bold, and kick ass Ranger signal.

The Claw!

You put your hand in the air, in a claw like fashion. Like you’ve got carpal tunnel, or you’re having a very flamboyant moment.

Sounds scary, right? Well, it is. It’s scary stupid.

You apparently make “the claw” as a long distance, arthritic looking high five.

Newsflash, they totally ripped that off from Lady Gaga and her little monsters, but no ball scratching, snuff spitting, assclown is going to admit to knowing that.

Finally, I’d like to close this bitch up with my own interpretation of “the claw”

Choke on it.