Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Fun with scrotal sacks.

To be honest, this has absolutely balls to do with scrotal sacks. I like attention getting titles that draw the reader in because I know what people want, and by God if scrotal sacks can't do it, then what the hell is wrong with you people anyway?

I know I've taken somewhat of a writing hiatus, or sabbatical, if you will. It really was for your own good. It isn't that things haven't been happening around here, but more so that I've been far too lazy to actually give a shit writing about them. But I do want you to know that my heart really does throb for you all in the most inappropriate of ways.

Things are about the same around here. In addition to having a newish baby (that is still cute as can be by the way) I have been keeping a grueling work schedule of around 30-50 hours a month, like a boss. Mama gotta get that paper, know what I'm sayin'? Speaking of work, do your co-workers indulge in only the finest of edible dick delicatessen? Mine do, and that’s probably why we all get along so well. I'm not sure if they spit on theirs prior to ingesting it, but I would hope that is the case.

Anyway, when I'm not working like a fucking slave, I'm here at home trying to poison my kid with freshly made organic green beans.

 

 

Actually, I think I gave birth to a fruit bat because he has that sort of reaction to most veggies that I cook up for him, but little homie loves him some fruit, so my handy magic 8 ball thinks that the chances of him becoming a fruitatarian are high.

The older kids are also doing well. Taylor wrapped up Volleyball, and now she’s playing basketball. I’ve been trying to teach her some old tricks that I used when I played back in the day. The main one being that If you rebound with enough intensity that you nonchalantly break a nose or some teeth out, the other players will eventually figure out that they don’t particularly want the ball as bad as they thought they once did. She still has a way to go, but I’ll get her where she needs to be by high school for sure.

As for Aidan, he definitely took after his Dad. Needless to say, he doesn’t have an athletic bone in his body. No need to worry though, because where there may not be brawn, there is most definitely brain.

Aidan came home recently and let me in on his latest business scheme venture at school. You see, when the teacher rewards their good behavior, they end up with tickets that they can use in order to get a free homework pass,  wear pajamas to school, or if you’re really a moron, you can choose to use your ticket to be line leader for the day (who gives a fuck about that?)

Well, Aidan decided he would sell his used bubble gum wrappers with the brilliant selling point that they in fact, wait for it… smell like bubble gum.

Yeah, you read that right. He sold not gum, but merely the empty wrappers, and the window lickers that he goes to school with actually “bought” them with their tickets that they earned for good behavior.

That being said, Aidan hasn’t actually had to do any homework for the last 3 months. Genius, I tell you.

Oh yeah, Brent is also still kickin’. I still haven’t been able to talk him into letting me apply my breast pump to his balls yet, but I know with your thoughts and prayers, anything is possible.

Anyway, he’s still hard at work in conference calls most of the day, so I do sweet things in order to try and lift his spirits like teabagging him in the face with actual teabags. He doesn’t think it’s as funny as I do because he’s an unfunny fuck, but whatever.

Anyway, enough about us. How are YOU doing?

23 comments:

Linda said...

Glad you are doing great.
Video doesn't work.
Happy New Year!

MiMi said...

Wow, Aiden IS a genius! But it sounds like the idiots at his school would make Jerry's Kids look like geniuses...
Yeah, I'm gonna quit now, because I'm pretty sure I just offended about 8,000,000 different groups of people.

Mike said...

See, I knew you'd get to the good stuff at the end. You could probably get a viral video with Brent and the breast pump.

Mrs. L said...

I saw "ball sacks" and didn't even have to check who wrote it.

Bobbi said...

That kid IS a genius! He's going to make a shit ton of money someday!
Brent is NO FUN! Just do it in his sleep and see what happens!

Eva Gallant said...

That boy has a brilliant future ahead of him! I thought my kid was a genius when he started buying hot balls by the case and selling them individually at a marked up price to his classmates! The principal didn't appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit, but today, he is the CEO of his own online business that did over $3,000,000 in sales last year!

Kristi said...

I'll admit, I am a new reader because of this title. This is my first visit, but I think I am going to stick around now because I love that you have a 12 year old boy's sense of humor! Yay!

FIREBIRD said...

OMG! I am so glad to see you back! I was getting really worried. Totally loved your update. Can I buy stock in Aiden? And tell Taylor not to forget she has hips! Refs seldom notice a bump and run! And now I'm off to put a stick in my eye to try to unsee your breast pump on Brett's ummmmm.... you know! [waaaaa - the video is private]

Happy New Year and WELCOME BACK!

Candice said...

MiMi- I'm thinking he has a future as a corrupt business man or perhaps a car salesman.

Mike- Great idea. I'll try that after I roofie him tonight.

Mrs. L- You know me so well. ;)

Bobbi- Probably not the wake up call he's looking for...

Eva- I only hope Aidan has such a bright future. He does scare me with how he thinks, but in a good way. P.S. what the hell are hot balls, other than the literal definition?

Kristi- See? I knew it would work. Welcome! ;)

Firebird- Thanks for letting me know. I changed the settings, so it should work now.

Candice said...

Linda- Sorry I missed you, seems blogger sent me your reply out of order. Anway, try the video again. It should work now. Happy new year!

MiMi said...

The video works now! Okay, that is adorable, you shithead.
I had to add shithead because adorable seems like a weird word to use on your blog.

Fragrant Liar said...

Candy Candy Candy. It's ball SAC. So when you say SACKS, I picture you lopping off Brent's boys and dumping them in a paper bag, perhaps depositing them in someone's mailbox for shits and giggles. Hey, that's kind of more exciting than the breast pump experiment, I'm thinking. Think he'd go for it?

Yours in Editing Glory,
FL*

the late phoenix said...

the scrote's no joke.

you haven't lost your writing bite one bit <----see what i did there?

um, what else? well, never trust spitters, only swallowers, that's just good old-fashioned advice, y'know, from the old country

happy Year 2012, the final year before the earth explodes

mac said...

I bet Aidan has already tried the breast pump on the nads bit (remember the fountain!). He's now working on a way to sell the service to his classmates.

You probably should sterilize that pump before you use it again ;-)

foxy said...

Girl....I've missed you!!! I'm also in the "too busy and/or lazy to even think about blogging" world, but I have missed the Candice shenanigans. Yeah, I just used that fucking word. Sweet baby....but you already know that. Take care woman!!! Peace out!

FIREBIRD said...

The video works - and it's hysterical! Would YOU put that green stuff in YOUR mouth! I love his expression - I laughed so hard the tears ran down my leg!

Denis Verdecia said...

So if you remember, you had this clown that would comment often called JokerSATX. Well, the make up is off and I am out in the open, for better or for worse....

Glad to see that you are still blogging!

hotpants™ said...

Teabagging is the new black.

Rob said...

Glad to see you back!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

My dog Suzie was barking like crazy at your video. I think you guys frightened her. Sooo glad to see you back. You kill me.

Wesley said...

Hooray! You're finally back!

That son of yours is a genius! Quite the business man!

Nurse and Hospital Stories said...

Love the attitude of your kiddos, especially Aidan.haha. His a genius!

Cheers,
Peny@nursing uniforms

The T-Dude said...

I'm fine, thanks for asking. I also think the tea bagging with actual tea is hysterical.