To be honest, I tend to suck at it.
I envy those parents that have their shit together enough to manage to have the time to follow through on family traditions. You know, the ones that your kids will grow up to remember forever.
Around here, the tooth fairy is a deadbeat fairy and really sucks at her job. Most of the time she’s late picking up teeth because she has been re-routed due poor visibility from volcanic ash or some other natural disaster. This tends to get expensive around here because each time she is “re-routed” she tends to give out triple the amount of money per tooth.
The Easter bunny is another fine example. He stopped bringing his magical Easter bunny grass/baskets around the time I found some mixed in with one of Aidan’s shitty diapers back in the day. It sent me into such a paranoid tailspin that now he only leaves big chocolate rabbits stuffed with peanut butter. No grass. . . Like EVER.
And I’m still pretty positive that Aidan has an Easter grass bezoar that will make its presence known any day now.
If you really want to know, the only tradition that we’ve stuck to with any success is our snowman pancakes on Christmas morning.
Here is Brent with a tan face and a sausage penis.
I’m here today to tell you that I want to get better with traditions. There. I’ve put that shit out to the universe, so it will be so.
I want my kids to grow up and reminisce on the fun things that we did during certain times of the year. It basically puts another notch in my parental belt, and it ensures that I’ll at least have somewhat of a suitable nursing home someday. That’s why this year I plan on doing Elf on the mutha fuckin’ shelf.
Now in past years I’ve dreaded Christmas due to this little bastard alone. People would post pictures of their elf doing all sorts of mundane things all over Facebook. They would blog about it. They would tweet about it.
This year, I will play along my way.
He’s here to keep the Christmas spirit alive. He loves to drink, smoke, and take long walks on the beach with some bitches sportin’ a donkey booty.
He’s also addicted to porn.
I like him. I think this is a tradition we can keep.