Tuesday, December 4, 2012

It’s that time of year again…


To be honest, I tend to suck at it.

I envy those parents that have their shit together enough to manage to have the time to follow through on family traditions. You know, the ones that your kids will grow up to remember forever.

Around here, the tooth fairy is a deadbeat fairy and really sucks at her job.  Most of the time she’s late picking up teeth because she has been re-routed due poor visibility from volcanic ash or some other natural disaster. This tends to get expensive around here because each time she is “re-routed” she tends to give out triple the amount of money per tooth. 

The Easter bunny is another fine example. He stopped bringing his magical Easter bunny grass/baskets around the time I found some mixed in with one of Aidan’s shitty diapers back in the day.  It sent me into such a paranoid tailspin that now he only leaves big chocolate rabbits stuffed with peanut butter. No grass. . . Like EVER.

And I’m still pretty positive that Aidan has an Easter grass bezoar that will make its presence known any day now. 

If you really want to know, the only tradition that we’ve stuck to with any success is our snowman pancakes on Christmas morning.


Here is Brent with a tan face and a sausage penis.

I’m here today to tell you that I want to get better with traditions. There. I’ve put that shit out to the universe, so it will be so.

I want my kids to grow up and reminisce on the fun things that we did during certain times of the year. It basically puts another notch in my parental belt, and it ensures that I’ll at least have somewhat of a suitable nursing home someday. That’s why this year I plan on doing Elf on the mutha fuckin’ shelf.

Now in past years I’ve dreaded Christmas due to this little bastard alone. People would post pictures of their elf doing all sorts of mundane things all over Facebook. They would blog about it. They would tweet about it.

This year, I will play along my way.

Meet Treyvon.


He’s here to keep the Christmas spirit alive. He loves to drink, smoke, and take long walks on the beach with some bitches sportin’ a donkey booty.


He’s also addicted to porn.

I like him. I think this is a tradition we can keep.


Wow, that was awkward said...

Thank you for this blog! I don't have my kids on Monday nights and I forgot to move the stupid elf. I am picking the boys up soon and now I have time to go home first to move the little fucker. I owe ya one for the timely reminder!!!!

Mike said...

Donkey booty, that's a new term for me. I think I like it.

MiMi said...

OH HOLY CRAP. I was reading along and then I saw the word Treyvon and lost my shit. LOL!!

Darlene http://adventuresofamiddleagemom.com said...

I am not a fan of the whole Elf on the Shelf. That said, your Treyvon has potential...

Kelly @ turned UP to ELEVEN! said...

Just wanted to share with you some wanna-be's they ain't got shiz on Treyvon!


mac said...

The Elf on the Shelf has some potential.

I can imagine a few other, related, traditions:

The gnome on my gnads
The dwarf from the wharf
The pixie in dixie
The sprite is outta sight
The runt in your... well, maybe none of these are fit for children ;-)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

There's no doubt in my mind that your Elf will be the coolest, most badass, most gangsta, most incarcerated Elf of all the elves. :)

FIREBIRD said...

Merry Christmas, Lady! Thanks for all the smiles this year! *clink*.... well, NOT this early in the morning - we should probably wait until sunrise! Have a grand day!

PorkStar said...

hahaha totally cracked me up... I showed this post to a friend and she was totally shocked. However, coming from you, I am not surprised at all...