Friday, January 25, 2013

Is that a baby’s leg sticking out of your gut, or are you just happy to see me?

We took the kids to the zoo last weekend and had the most wonderful time. I actually have a love/hate relationship with the zoo. I mostly hate the people that go there, but since it was wasn’t crowded at all, we really got to take our time and actually enjoy watching the beautiful creatures held captive in some small shitty mock landscape environment that is almost as good as the real thing in Africa or Asia.

Now the zoo typically has a plethora of teaching opportunities for the kids, but this day in particular was spectacular, if I do say so myself.

As I was walking past the zebras not really giving a shit about them because I really wanted to photograph a big cat, Brent shouts out to me to hurry back to where he is. “You’re gonna want to see this.” He said.

Boy was he right.



There he was… In all his erectile glory. Letting it all hang out. I had imagined he was doing it purely on my behalf, and I was happy about that.

“What’s that?” Asked Aidan

“It’s weird how his stripes extend to the ground like that.” said Brent

“God damn!” I said

Taylor just stood there in stunned silence, watching the phallic structure as if it was going to suddenly snap off, run over to us, and begin beating her over the head repeatedly.

Blake obviously didn’t give a shit.

“Well?” Aidan asked emphatically “What is it?”

“It’s a built in leg scratcher, Aidan. What do you think it is?”

About that time, the lion across the way began to roar and it was a nice distraction from the giant zebra dick. For the kids anyway…

I was honestly so impressed with it even a week after I saw it, I decided to make a rap about it. Just in case any gangster rappers or their “people” read this blog, don’t get any funny ideas. I gets PAID fo mine!


Click the picture to see an impressively tack sharp Zebra penis!!!

I title this… “Zebra spit"

I’m a fuckin zebra and this is my rap. I’m tired of that bitch ass question, am I white or black? Take one fuckin look at my tallywack, fool!  I’m black. I’m black. I’m black. BIAAAATCH

Man, they got me roamin this fake ass pasture looking like African welfare. People be passing me by all day like they just don’t care. I’m a zebra mutha fucka, I can’t carry a glock. But  what I got that you don’t, is this monsta zebra cock.

slap you in yo face. slap you, slap you in yo face.

I’m about to get busy in this zebra ho. She be ova here workin’ that booty fo sho. If you get queasy easy, it’s about to get live. I’d recommend that you hide yo kids and yo wives.



Furry Bottoms said...

THAT is a penis?!

Tami G said...

Ohhhhhh Emmmmmmm GEEEEEEEE!!!!
I just laughed out loud.... LMAO at your RAP! wow.
I find horse/zebra penises absolutely HORRIFYING!!! They honestly FREAK me the hell out!!! I mean ..... ohhhhhh emmmmmm geeeee! What can you DO with that THING!!?
((don't answer that!))

Shelley said...


Wow, that was awkward said...

I can't wait for all the freaks googling zebra penis to end up on your blog.

Mike said...

That looks like it would get stuck. Are you sure some zoo keeper wasn't playing a practical joke? (so he says to himself, check google) There are videos. And they can wave them around.

Speaking of videos. I found another (same)baby seat video.

FIREBIRD said...

OMG! I just sprayed wine all over my computer screen! I swear that thang looks like some medieval weapon! I cannot STOP laughing!

Misty said...

Yep, people are totally going to get to your blog searching for big black cocks and/or zebra dick.

Also, HOLY SHIT! It's huge and way bigger at the end. My insides hurt. Is this what it feels like to be a Kardashian?

MiMi said...

Yeah, I was totally going to say supposedly black is bigger. Guess it's true!

Eva Gallant said...

Yikes! Great rap, though!

Sometimes Sophia said...

Ha. Love it. Great photo, Candice. Still smiling.

Kelly @ turned UP to ELEVEN! said...

HOLY DICK BATMAN!!!! That's insane, and I especially love that it inspired you to write a rap about his schlong!

mac said...

I have but one thing to say:

Elephant, prehensile schlong.

Allyson said...

I believe you should absolutely pass that demo off to JayZ. Zebras got it goin' on anyway. As they say, once you go black....

Thanks for stopping by! I've got orgasm on a fork and you've got dick on a stick. I'd say we're on to something...

Chelsea Richards said...

O-M-G ! ! ! This is totally too bazar for me… XOXO:D

Susan W said...

You missed your calling, Candice! Holy crap!!!

Hey, I am reading a book right now that I thought you might like; the sarcasm totally reminds me of you. (And I'm sure you've got a shitload of time available for reading, what with three children, one of which is a baby still.) Anyway - it's called Baby Bumps: The Almost, Barely, Not-Quite-True Story of Pregnancy, Bed Rest and One Batshit Crazy Family. It's entertaining and a really easy read.


PorkStar said...

This is the funniest thing I've ever read LMFAO... and right on with the rap song there hahaha

Oh man, i seriously could not stop laughing for a while, so damn funny! lol

Glad I decided to blog again catch up on yours first :)

Dee said...

Lol that's disgusting but the rap is hilarious!