It’s 12:30 am and I can’t sleep because I’m so shook up over what happened to me a couple of hours ago. I never want to go into my garage again. Like, ever.
Before I get into that, let me just say that a few days ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did some hardcore research on DIY mouse traps since the ones Brent purchased seem to be doing jack nor shit for our little problem. I got my information and fool proof mouse trap plans on Youtube. From what I saw, Youtube is the leading industry for redneck mouse trap plans, and if you ever need any information on how to build your own, there is a wealth of information there right at your fingertips.
The mouse trap in particular that I chose to go with is the 5 gallon bucket variety. Very few materials are needed. All you need to catch those little furry bastards is, a 5 gallon bucket, water, a dowel rod, a coke can, or a soda can for all you non Texans, and some grub to smear on the can to entice the mice.
This is what it looks like once it’s all put together.
Now the idea is simple. Rodent smells food on the walk way. Rodent eats food up the walk way and realizes that there is much more where that came from on that can. Rodent then steps on the can, and BLOOP! Can spins causing the rodent to fall into the water, where they continue to do the breast stroke for a minute or so until they drown.
I saw video after video on Youtube, so I know that this set up works. I just knew that we would have a bucket full of mice after the first night. I even sprinkled the peanut butter with bacon just in case they were into that sort of thing.
Night one. . . Crickets.
Night two. . . Crickets.
Then today Brent mentions that there are two. I was all like Thank YOU JESUS! But before I could celebrate, Brent broke the news that we didn’t actually catch them. He just visualized two of them when he was out in the garage. He answered my 130 questions about how they visually appeared. He made them sound cute, and I briefly felt guilty about trying so hard to kill them.
I decided to change tactics and catch them with something everybody likes.
Brent moved his shitty store bought traps to the last location he saw them in, and I smeared Nutella all over them. I also re-baited my redneck setup in the hopes that somebody wants to go for a little swim.
Before bed, I thought it would be a good idea to see if our traps had done the job. I decided to go out there by myself. I had barely stepped into the garage and looked around the corner before I saw this massive fucking thing slowly saunter under my car.
That’s when shit got real.
People, we aren’t dealing with mice. This thing I saw was a rat! My fucking former farm boy husband doesn’t even know what a goddamned mouse looks like. This fucking thing was a HORSE! It was so big it couldn’t even run, scurry or whatever the fuck those things are supposed to do.
I even reenacted what it did after I could calm down enough to tell Brent why I was screaming like someone was killing me in the garage. It literally, like, galloped under my car. And it had a really long tail and it was beyond terrifying and gross. What the fucking FUCK man? I have obese rats in my garage. Probably got fat off of my pancake mix, so I’m the only one to blame, but still.
Then as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, the horrifying thought hits me. There are two of them at the very least in the garage. If they are opposite sex, the really fat one could actually be pregnant, and I could be living with whore rats and their offspring in a matter of days.
If the Nutella doesn’t do the job tonight, we are calling the professionals tomorrow. I’m not sure what I was thinking letting Brent run this operation. This dipshit can’t even correctly identify a fucking rat after running into them in the garage twice now.
Did you know rats can chew through concrete and they bite over 45,000 people a year?
I do, because I googled that shit. That’s also why I can’t sleep. They’re probably working a underground railroad tunnel into our bedroom as I type this. Hopefully Brent’s snoring will deter them from gaining access.