Friday, February 8, 2013

Pretty sure we made Rodentia our bitch

I want to start this off by saying that I really hope this is the last post where I drone on and on about this disgusting problem. I’m sure you do too. However, I would be remiss to leave any of you hanging in case you were truly concerned about the Godzilla rats living in our garage.

I last left off with high hopes about my self-made bucket trap. I saw many drowning rats on YouTube with this very design. I’m convinced that we aren’t dealing with your average rat. I think that the US Government released some really smart lab rats in our area, and those motherfuckers found their way into our garage, because we didn’t catch shit. Not with our old fashion snap traps. Not with our new age snap traps. Not even with a $50 dollar electronic rat zapper that is theoretically supposed to be top notch. Not with peanut butter, nutella, OR bacon. NOTHING. Those rats were all like “sweet, here come the idiots with our food trays again. Bon appetite!”

At this point, we were throwing our money on the ground and sharting all over it as far as I was concerned. It was time. Time to call in some reinforcements.

So our pest guy comes, checks the place out. Takes one look at my bucket trap setup and seemed genuinely impressed. He told me he had never seen anything like it before. At that time I questioned what kind of Dollar Store crack head pest control man we were really dealing with. I had low hopes of our problem going away, and I voiced those concerns with Brent. 

The pest control guy suggested glue traps, which I was highly against when we first realized we had a rodent problem. He also wanted to put poison that was safely housed in a container of some sort, not only in our garage, but around our property as well. I told Brent that I think we just sharted on an additional $250 bucks, especially after the damn pest guy said “We will have them by morning.” Famous last words, if I remember correctly.

Since we had glue traps in various places in our garage, I would no longer go out there without Brent casing the joint first. This was “a pain in his balls”, but I knew that shit would get bad if I saw a rat in a glue trap.

Day 1. Nothing

Day 2. Nothing

In our garage at any rate. . .

It was day 2 when I noticed something as I drove down our alley. It was something I’d never seen before in the almost 6 years of living here.



It was a dead rat!!! I took this picture in the safety of my vehicle just in case it was taking a nap in the rain water. Maybe it was having a relaxing spa day? I wasn’t taking any chances.

I’m almost positive this was the EXACT rodent that I saw in our garage that fateful night. It has the same exact color fur, and that tail looks the same as well. If you look closely, this rat looks like it could even be slightly gluten intolerant, which would explain why he/she chewed through 2 bags of my gluten free pancake mix, which I’m still bitter about, by the way.

So the real question is, did this rat die of natural causes, or did it eat some of our tasty poison? We have yet to catch any in actual traps, but Brent was confident that our problem was gone.

He did a through cleaning of the garage last weekend, and we have yet to see any new rat scat. I’m not 100% sure they are gone. I still walk out in the garage with my game face on, ready to scream like a bitch and run at all times. I’m convinced that there is no new shit because the rats are merely constipated. Only time will tell, I suppose.

On what I think is a related note, but everyone else in my family seems to think I’m a hypochondriac I was recently diagnosed with pneumonia a couple of days ago. I’m also convinced that this is just ARDS in its early stages related to being exposed to Hantavirus from all of the rat shit. So if you don’t ever hear from me again, please tell Brent “I TOLD YOU SO!”

Much love,



MiMi said...

I swear, the govt is totally bombarding you with rats. You live in Texas right? Yeah. They don't like Texas. ;)

PorkStar said...

That look like a NYC rat. However the difference is that those here are much fatter and some barely have a tail anymore. Usually get chopped off by a train since they love to jump and cruise on the rails in the subway system or chewed off by some kid.

In any case, i hope you feel better by now.