Well, summer is drawing near and you know what that means. If you have kids, they will soon be out of school and at home annoying the living shit out of you. Most people would find that to be somewhat of a depressing thought. However, I’m fucking ecstatic about it, and I’m about to tell you why.
First of all, let me state for the record that I love teachers… most of them. I have friends who are teachers, and I have family members who are teachers. Fundamentally, I think what they do for a living is hard work. I say that because when I attempt to explain something to my kids, and they don’t get it the first or second time around, I have have a notion to get really snippy and somewhat short. Hard to believe, I know…
Teaching is an extremely noble profession that I highly respect, and I’m thankful that there are people out there that can teach my children what I can’t. Even when I used to play teacher as a little kid, I sucked at it. I chastised this make believe kid, Henry for being such a tool on a daily basis. Henry hated me, and I hated him because he was stupid and never understood my lessons. Not to mention he always talked without raising his hand, and he disrupted the class often. Looking back, he probably had ADHD and just needed to be medicated. His parents were also assholes because they never brought me teachers gifts.
Which oddly enough, brings me to my main complaint. I’m not sure if it’s the location in which we live, or if times are a changin’, but I’m considering pimping Brent out to help cushion the yearly teacher gift giving fund around here.
You see, every year it happens. There is this one persistent and annoying room Mom that gains access to your email address, and then she will continue to suck you absolutely dry of all your money throughout the year for various things.
“It’s Thanksgiving!! Let’s show so and so how thankful we are she’s teaching our kids.”
“It’s Christmas- Let’s make so and so feel special because it’s baby Jesus’s birthday!”
“Hey, it’s Valentines! Throw so and so some dolla dolla bills, y’all! We LOOOOOVE her!”
“Okay folks, it’s veterans day. So and so isn’t a veteran, but fuck it, seems like a legit excuse to give her a gift anyway!
“Hey, it’s so and so’s birthday next month. If you would like to pitch in on buying her a gift just let me know! I’ll reach out to you all again every 1.5 days until you fucking crack open that wallet, bitch”
“Oh hey there, we know you already paid for your child’s school supplies at the beginning of the year, but if you can pitch in and purchase these 50 things so we can re-stock the classroom, that would be great!”
“Hey, it’s teachers appreciation WEEK!!! You know what that means. . . $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$“
“Hi again, Mrs. so and so has been constipated lately, and consequently her asshole is the size of a manhole cover. Can we all pitch in to buy her some tucks pads, proctofoam, a Block Buster rental card, and a gift card to Whole Foods so that she can buy organic greens to increase the roughage in her diet? Anything you can contribute over $50 would be greatly appreciated”
“Hi everyone. End of the year is drawing near, and I think it would be nice to get so and so a gift for her to enjoy during her entire fucking paid summer off. How about it?”
I think you all get my point.
I clearly went in the wrong line of work, even given the fact that I have zero patience with most children, but more importantly, “challenging” children. I find that most children who aren’t MINE to be challenging, by the way.
Even so, I’m beginning to think that I could fake it for all the free shit I could accrue throughout the school year. I figure 23 kids per class, equal a lot of decent shit even with the few Mom’s that strictly bring in failed homemade Pinterest el’ cheapo gifts that I would automatically throw in the trash.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a frugal person who’s opposed to doing nice gestures for someone who’s educating my children, but as we near the end of the year my thoughts on the subject are enough is enough. All of this tomfoolery is cutting into my god damned nail polish fund! more on that later
Anybody remember that old movie where the kid is riding around on his bike while stalking the same people, saying “I want my two dollars!!” Well, that’s essentially how I see the room mom. If summer means never hearing from her ass again, then bring it on!